What is love to you?

[lostforgottensoul]

So, this is something I've been thinking about. What is love? I cannot answer this question. All my life I thought love was sex and so I seeked sexual things from everyone as I thought that's what you're supposed to do. Even from family as nasty as that sounds. It"s just what I was supposed to do.

Now I know that sex isn't love but then what the hell is it? How do you learn what love is when you are 100% alone? There's no one to watch and learn from. I learn how to be by watching others but no one has ever loved me and I'm not sure I've ever really loved another but then how do I learn what love is and how to love and be loved?

I badly long for it but have no idea what it is. I have no idea what I'm longing for. So I thougt I would ask. What is love to you?

 

[Gs172003]

I have learned lately that love isn't a feeling as much as an action. Do unto others, that kind of thing. Put others needs before your wants. Right now I'm having a very hard time with that but I hope one day to get there.
I've always had love mean "I've done this for you now you owe me." It's taken me a long time to realize that's not how it works.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @lostforgottensoul.... I think love is someone who loves you with all their heart. Supports you... Takes care of you.., is there for you. Doesn't try and control you... Manipulate you.... Take you away from your friends and family.

Doesn't gaslight you.. Doesn't make you feel like shit. I guess love is the total opposite of any bad experiences you have had with love... From either childhood or relationships.

Someone who doesn't cheat on you. Communication is important. So is both people having there own lives... But come together.. At night.....

I also think that you need to be happy with yourself... Love yourself or at least like yourself....

 

[Juso]

I think love is appreciating and respecting someone the way they are without wanting to change them, even if you can not identify with some parts of them. It is the need to see them happy and the need to keep them safe. But it's difficult to find a definition for it, sometimes I kind of doubt it's really a thing because its so hard to grasp.

 

[scout86]

My knee jerk reaction is "love is a trick", but that's me, and it's not what you're looking for. LOL

Love is what you feel for Chopper. Love is valuing a person, place, or thing for what it/they are, the way they are, wanting them to be the best version of themselves, no matter how that works for you. I hear people can also feel that way about you, BTW. :)

 

[Mee]

Love is reciprocal. It’s putting each other high on each other’s agendas, but not to our own health. It’s thinking about each other in plans and decisions and actions and thoughts. It’s truth, gentle, but truth. It’s not questioning the last cookie is the others. It’s wanting to support them in their choices for them and trusting they support you in their choices for you. It’s trust. It’s feeling safe. It’s wanting and choosing them; not needing them. It’s knowing you can share anything with them and that you can listen to anything they need to tell you; but that you can not tell them stuff and they trust you , and you forgive each other natural reactions to information. It’s wanting to be the best you that you can be because you feel inspired (But not awestruck ) by them. Its acceptance of all of them, the bits every one might like and the bits some others might not; because it’s all part of them. It’s not trying to own their shit for them. But it might be standing guarantor on their shit mortgage sometimes when life is super tough.

Love is NOT getting everything right. But it’s the commitment to want to right the wrongs and not shift blame. Love is not a cure all Or the magic that makes every thing ok. But it is an amazing thing; and not to be taken for granted.

Shrug. I have a good marriage and I am very lucky my husband remains committed and supportive and loving through my ptsd during which time I admit I have been very absent as a wife. I truly am not sure I would be making the commitment to work hard for myself were I not in a good relationship.

 

[shimmerz]

I usually try to get to what something is by first determining what it isn't. Makes it easier for me.

Do you love your dog? If so, what makes that different than say, how you feel about your family?

No need to protect yourself around your dog?
He loves you no matter what?
You can pet him without fear of getting bitten or snarled at?

All sorts of questions to be thought of as to why you feel differently about him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you love your dog? If so, what makes that different than say, how you feel about your family?

That's hard to answer. Maybe knowing he won't hurt me. Knowing that he loves me even if I loose my shit around him. Maybe knowing that he won't judge me or abandon me. Won't abandon me is a big one as that's what my family and everyone else has done. I can be myself and I can be symptomatic and I know he will still come back and love me anyway and won't, say, hate me one day.

But isn't love for an animal and love for a human different?

 

[Mee]

That's hard to answer. Maybe knowing he won't hurt me. Knowing that he loves me even if I l...

Humans are animals :)

Perhaps it's worth referinv to the Greek model? The seven types of love?

Eros, agape, storge, philia, pragma, philautua and ludus?

I know I have want for some of these in my life.

 

[shimmerz]

But isn't love for an animal and love for a human different?

It can be. It is more complex with humans for sure.

I didn't realize, myself, how complex all of this stuff was (communication, respect, love, etc) until I started with my therapist her 'group sessions' where I get to interact with people who all have serious trauma issues. Fascinating and eye opening how immature my style of love was. I think that with PTSD where one has isolated, had to isolate due to symptoms etc, been socially ostracized, it is going to be important for you to get your social skills up and running again before even touching the concept of love in a meaningful way. For now, trusting in a kind of love is a great start I think. I am actually learning how to laugh and play again because of my cat. I can't do that with people right now. Not ready yet.

I know you have worked with your therapist for some time. I think you mentioned he was a he. I am wondering if he has any thoughts on whether you are ready for groups yet to hone your social skills?

Anyway, re love. I think the idea is to figure out what it feels for YOU to feel loved. Because I think most people define love as what they think love is to them, not to others. And you can start with that list that you just mentioned.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know you have worked with your therapist for some time. I think you mentioned he was a he. I am wondering if he has any thoughts on whether you are ready for groups yet to hone your social skills?

We tried group stuff pre this site which was also pre service dog and I couldn't even search for a group without freaking out. It's actually why he searched for an online group and thus found this site. Now, after a few years of work, stablization, and with my service dog (there is no way I can do that without Chopper) then maybe. Maybe I could find one and sit a bit away from the people at first as sitting next to people, even with Chopper, really freaks me out to think about. And that would be good training for Chopper anyway. To be a bit away from them at first.

The only issue is the only trauma groups I could find were closed and you had to email with the instructors first and they only met one night a week which was a night I had to work. Now a different job, different hours, and different days off, maybe can search for it again. My therapist is def pro group. He always has been. Anything to be around more people and less isolated is good in his book. Not sure if im ready but he would def give me the green light to try again. I don't even need to ask to know that.

Will think about it. Maybe google search to find the group again and go from there. Will need to advise I have a service dog as well. Not sure if a group like that can deny me based on that. I dont think so but i do try to give a heads up when I can. I refuse to advise of his breed. That doesnt matter. He's a service dog and my State gives an in training dog the same rights as a fully trained dog so his breed doesn't matter.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sorry that I've not replied in a bit. A lot to think about. Not been able to google groups. Each time I try I end up with a panic attack and then unwanted thoughts and urges and what not from the past. It's ridiculously hard. Have no idea why. It's just f*cking google.

These ideas of what love is, is so foreign and odd to me. My thought about humans is all they do is manipulate and hurt other humans. So hard to figure this out.

Anyway, just wanted to update. Still mulling this around in my head.