I just can’t do life anymore

[Smile]

New York is going to kill me. The noise, the memories, the people, the CHANGE. My body and mind are totally out of whack and I can’t take the steps necessary to get “help”.

I’ve been fighting this for so long. I can’t anymore. There are so many beautiful bridges here & each time I drive across one, I wonder if it’s high enough to definitely kill me.

I don’t really want to kill myself, I just don’t want the life. Not for another minute.

I know that almost everyone else has had it worse than me and for that I apologize. I feel your pain. It’s become part of my own.

I wrote the below first, than realized I was rambling so started again. So basically the below is a partial explanation for why I wrote the above.

I hope I’m being clear... I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

I just posted the other day about how I just moved from my home back into my mom’s which is in my childhood hometown. And it’s been really hard so far.

A few hours after my post, I was driving to the airport to pick up some family members. I really didn’t want to because my head just didn’t feel right but I had to so I went.

On my way there I got into a car accident. Just a fender bender but I hit the guy in front of me.

The cops took over an hour to come so that gave my brain a lot of time to freak out. But I think I did a pretty good job of faking it. But how can I really know?? ‍

Anyway, my mother’s place is an apartment and the heat is not regulated properly so I feel like I’m burning in hell every moment. Sleep is terrible. I’m an insomniac so even though I have stuff that helps me fall asleep, as soon as I wake up from anything I can’t fall asleep again.

In general, while sleeping, I get panic attacks which cause hot flashes which wake me up. In my own home I can adjust the temperature etc. But here, I’m stuck in a tiny overcrowded room/furnace. So every single night I wake up from the extreme heat (I guess the positive side is that it doesn’t give me a chance to have it remember nightmares ) and of course I can’t fall back asleep.

Then I have chronic pain for which I’ve just run out of my meds. Great. The only other thing I have is my medical marijuana but that screws with the rest of my day. So I’m scared to take it.

I need a doc, T, P-doc but need to apply for health insurance... which I don’t have the head to do.

 

[littleoc]

I need a doc, T, P-doc but need to apply for health insurance... which I don’t have the head to do.

When I read this, I saw a plan for recovery.

Do you have a fan, or a window you could open in just your room that maybe wouldn't affect other residents?

Do you have a fan? When I've lived in places without air conditioner, I relied on small fans to keep me comfortable.

It's hard and frustrating, but you've been through more and survived. You can survive this too, and you'll have happy memories and new friends you'll be happy you met

 

[Smile]

I appreciate your message but it’s not the heat.

My life is nothingness. It consists of air & anxiety.

 

[littleoc]

I appreciate your message but it’s not the heat.

My life is nothingness. It consists of air & anxiety...

You can get through it, and there will be a lot more than nothingness on the other side.

Doing little things to make your life easier is extremely helpful. What can you do for yourself to make yourself more comfortable?

I was taught once in a bad moment that any time I wanted to commit suicide, I should consider how sad it would be to miss out on even the possibility of better days, meeting a new friend, getting a new pet...

Now days, I promise myself that I will only consider suicide if I'm having an absolutely perfect, happy time, because then I'll know my last moments weren't me struggling or suffering.

Once I was happier? I didn't want to anymore. It was a distortion -- an illness -- making me think I wanted to, but it turns out I didn't.

Keep that in mind. Do something for your comfort. You can get through this

 

[Smile]

You are kind.

There is NOTHING I can do to make things better. Not with my head not working properly. My thoughts are way too scattered. I think perhaps The lack of sleep is helpful in causing this but I try everything. Every night. To no avail.

And then the chronic pain for which I don’t have medicine for because I switched states and don’t have the head to do what I need to to get insurance. I can’t even get to a local doc who knows me from a few years ago.

I’m totally useless now and my family is mostly understanding but not constructively helpful.

Don’t worry about me, I’m sure you’ve had it worse than anything I can imagine. And if I’m not here tomorrow or next month, you won’t know and that’s ok. That’s the way it should be.

 

[littleoc]

Don’t worry about me, I’m sure you’ve had it worse than anything I can imagine.

I bet we've had similar experiences. You know, just being human being and all. It doesn't matter if my pain was caused by worse trauma or easier trauma.

And I am worried about you -- I would love to see you get through this and come out on top. If your family is supportive too? Then they would love to see you do well too.

Imagine what your death would do to them. Imagine the guilt and pain they would feel. I worry for you, that you haven't mentioned this.

Thank you for calling me nice -- but I wasn't saying all that to be kind. I was saying it because it would be sad to lose you

 

[joeylittle]

@Smile - please consider calling crisis services, or a help-line.

Suicidal ideation is hard. You wouldn’t be posting about it here if you weren’t looking for some kind of help or relief.

And it’s hard to do it alone.

Who can you reach out to, so you can connect with a 3-D person?