Dom Violence Pursuing charges

[dulcia]

Did you pursue charges? Did anything come from it? How did you feel during? How did you feel afterwards? Was it worth it?

Conflicted. Freaking out. Advice welcome.

 

[Sweetleaf]

You were just in my old thread where I talked about this, haha. I've changed since then though.

Here is where I'm at now:
I am absolutely too terrified of him to file a police report on -anything- that he did, despite the evidence i have and everything. After he contacted my therapist, tried manipulating her, and she read it to me... I realized from the content of that email that she read, and from the fact he was -not asking for ANYTHING- but just dumping a bunch of manipulative shit about me, my family, and like, it seriously has me scared as f*ck. I'm back to square one in regards to fear of him. Couldn't even sleep last night.

I do -not- want to piss him off more than I already have, because he is very clearly pissed and definitely has this -prominently- on his mind still. f*ck. He didn't move on. He's still obsessing on it, he reached out and got me in what was a safe space. It's so f*cked.

I am afraid he's going to be everywhere I go. Every time I go into a building EVEN MY f*ckING PDOCS WAITING ROOM FOR f*ckS SAKE! Like wtf!!!!!! Why the f*ck would he be there?!? It makes no f*cking sense! I feel fear creep up every time I approach the place -that I live-

I am not pissing him off by doing a police report. Its WAY too risky, and even if he got the book thrown at him, no amount of jail time he'd get, would be long enough to make me be safe forever.

I have basically gone from "maybe I will do it eventually when i heal enough" to "NOPE NEVER NEVER AVOID AVOID"

A huge part of my trauma was the fear for my life. He was a f*cking psycho. I am just trying to do what I think is going to be the most safe, because like - him killing me one day is an -actual- possibility at this point.

Like it's not an irrational fear, it's an actual f*cking possibility. Granted, it's probably far less likely than I -feel-

But I need to feel safe again, so badly. I was getting to a point where like, I wasn't so afraid of him coming to kill me, I was thinking "he's probably just gonna move on and go find a new victim and something and not give a shit about me and just go do his thing" before. Now, I -know- that he hasn't moved on.

That said, for other people: it's really all up to you. If you feel like it's going to be best for your healing to report them, and you feel safe enough to try, then do it. You don't have to rush to go do it either, you can think about it for a while.

You do -not- need to file charges, if you feel like it is going to be too stressful, dangerous, or hard on you, or if you're not ready. It's all up to you. There's no obligation to go do it. I know one problem with not reporting it, is the thought that other people might suffer if the bad person remains free - but that isn't your fault. It isn't your fault, if your trauma makes it too hard to report, or you feel too conflicted, or unsafe, or if it freaks you out too much to think about or do.

The way I see it for myself - my body is trying to protect me by keeping my away from my abuser - and that includes making me be too afraid to file a report about what he did. My body is like "avoid at all costs!!!!!!" because doing that would both piss him off and likely would lead to me having to be in the same room as him again, and my body thinks that's way the f*ck too unsafe.

Oh well.

 

[dulcia]

Two things that pushed me to do it:
1) Police were never involved before, so there would be no record if anything happened to me (or my property).
2) He reached out again recently on an anniversary for me (that he never cared about before), despite being told not to by PD, which just felt so freaking manipulative.

 

[SameBoat]

A huge part of my trauma was the fear for my life. He was a f*cking psycho. I am just trying to do what I think is going to be the most safe, because like - him killing me one day is an -actual- possibility at this point.

I'm in the same boat, haven't left mine yet but I've considered police involvement in order to be able to leave but just knowing him and his ability to hold a grudge to get revenge for whatever he feels wronged him no matter how minor or how long ago.. I know that going to the police won't end well. But then there's what you said about never feeling safe... i have the option to go stay with friends and family in other states and countries but I feel like nowhere is far enough.
Listen to your instincts I guess, if you have the feeling that he has the potential to be one of the smaller percent that does stalk and kill you are probably right and probably because he has shown that side to you before whether consciously or subconsciously. Mine talks about ways he would kill people for certain things, shoot them driving down the highway, accident in the woods etc...so ya he's got an F-d up mind and what can you even do with that?

 

[Sweetleaf]

Mine talks about ways he would kill people for certain things, shoot them driving down the highway, accident in the woods etc...so ya he's got an F-d up mind and what can you even do with that?

Yep, mine was much like that. He also talked about wanting to do shit like shoot up a church, or things like throw poisoned dog treats out on the trails, along with golf balls that have nails driven through them and are spray-painted green to blend in and be hard to see.

I'm in the same boat, haven't left mine yet but I've considered police involvement in order to be able to leave but just knowing him and his ability to hold a grudge to get revenge for whatever he feels wronged him no matter how minor or how long ago..

I saw your thread and was too triggered to post in it. That's basically how it goes for me with any such threads, where people are still being abused and trying to get out.

For mine, I abandoned him at the ER after he tried to kill himself, and then I turned in the paperwork for the restraining order the next day, and had the temporary protective order. At the end, he had been keeping me awake with horrible things - my mind couldn't take it - it broke from reality. I had a psychotic episode because of it - but that made me crazy enough to free myself I guess. The fear was too intense. I couldn't remain around him.

i have the option to go stay with friends and family in other states and countries

Just get the f*ck away from him seriously.
You have a way.
Easier said than done but... if yours is really anything like mine was, your life is in real danger around him.
The thought of you still being in that sort of deal right now... ugh.
That's why I avoid those threads. I wish I could help.
Hope you set yourself free soon.

 

[SameBoat]

Just get the f*ck away from him seriously.
You have a way.
Easier said than done but... if yours is really anything like mine was, your life is in real danger around him.
The thought of you still being in that sort of deal right now... ugh.
That's why I avoid those threads. I wish I could help.
Hope you set yourself free soon.

thank you so much for saying this, I know its hard for a lot of people to post, i've been lurking here for months before i finally typed it out and even then it was sooo hard. but i'm so numb to everything and i need some input before i tell my family and friends because i know they will freak out and want me out of immediately and want to call the cops and do all that stuff. which is why i'm kind of hoping to get away before it ell them what has really been going on.
I am SO happy that you were able to get out and sorry that someone else had to go through what i've been going through. It's a terrifying way to live and no one should have to. Thanks again you give me hope and inspiration!

 

[Sweetleaf]

because i know they will freak out and want me out of immediately

Yes! And that's a REALLY useful and good thing, because you can use that "freaking out" of theirs to your advantage. They can help convince you that you're doing the right thing - they can help get you and keep you away from him, and keep you safe. They can help you get the whole process of all this shit done, and help get you back on your feet.

I was numb as all f*ck, too. But for reeeeal - one thing that helped me get the f*ck out, was calling my mom that morning that I freed myself, and opening up to her about how abusive he was, and about how I wanted to get away from him and was really afraid of him. She knew he was abusive - she had tried to get me to leave him but she couldn't get through to me and get me out. But, when I came to her asking for help with getting myself free of him, she said a bunch of stuff that made me feel like I was doing the right thing and it really helped.

Then shit escalated, while I was waiting for her to have the chance to come scoop me up and help me deal with a suicidal as f*ck crazy person.

He got so upset about the fact I was barricading myself in a room out of fear, and avoiding him, that he tried killing himself by slashing his wrist. He also tornadoed the house pretty much. Like... holy f*ck. Broken glass and shit EVERYWHERE. Ugh there is so much more to that day but I don't feel like going through it all again.

 

[dulcia]

That's what bugs me about this whole thing. Since we broke up (6+ months ago), he keeps contacting me, but it's not threatening. It comes across as polite, like he's just still sad about the break up. So on paper it looks innocent enough, like I shouldn't feel threatened or nervous. But when we were together? Told me where he would bury me. Told me where he would bury my animals. Told me how he would kill them and then about exactly how he would display the body for me to find. So no, Mr. Officer, he's not threatening to kill me now....because he's smarter than that. But that doesn't make my anxiety over it any less real, or the weapons he owns any less real.

 

[SameBoat]

That's what bugs me about this whole thing. Since we broke up (6+ months ago), he keeps contacting me, b...

I think it was whirlwind who shared the Mosaic violence predictor with me (it won't let me share the link but its mosaicmethod com) I filled it out and it comes at the end with a really long reading about violence and relationships but it also has a great section on restraining orders and the pros and cons to getting one and how well they really work (or dont!) and who it works best for.. I wish i had saved it to read again but i don't have anywhere safe to keep it. Anyway it was really helpful and honest I thought compared to a lot of sites that make you think you will be automatically protected from one
Hope all is well, stay strong! are you able to block him from contacting you?

 

[dulcia]

I'll look into that. Thanks, @SameBoat. And yes, I've blocked him. He gets around it by using different email addresses or phone numbers I don't know. Or by creating accounts and apps and then sending invitation requests to my email, which makes it hard to block.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it would be a good idea to change all of your accounts and get a new email address. Yes, it’s a pain, but necessary when dealing with a sociopath. Don’t use your real name if at all possible.

 

[blackemerald1]

@dulcia I've got to suggest this. Idk the perp in your case of course. But the low key constant peppering pattern. Not enough to totally alarm you and get you to report him. But then again he is getting around you blocking him. It is all anxiety causing and he's doing it deliberately.

He must know he is causing you anxiety. He may be violent but now he is trying to manipulate and threaten you at a different level from overt behaviour?

Do you have a restraining Order/Intervention Order against him? It has been quite some time since you got out of the situation and still he is persisting with contacting you? I see red flags flying.

change all of your accounts and get a new email address.

^^^^This is very good advice.

Don’t use your real name if at all possible.

^^^This is great advice!

Also you can get apps that bounce emails & texts that make it look to the sender as if you have not been contacted. You could try this.

The only problem I have with these apps and changing phone numbers and email is it still doesn't get him out of your life. Just bc he is not threatening you to your face right now - doesn't mean he isn't a threat at all.

Stay safe.