What shall i do when my wife dissociates into a child

[J Kanobi]

Hey there,

It happened a handful of times since I met my wife 6 years ago. And I guess it only happens when she is extremely stressed or distressed, or having a flashback: She talks like a cute little child, only remembers me from previous times when she was in this state and believes that the place we are in is a place that she remembers from her childhood. She asks me with curiosity if I am always there (like a child trying to figure out if her imaginary friend is real or not). She looks usually very relaxed and free from all the pain, headaches and stress which she can't get completely rid off in her adult state. Sometimes she is a bit worried and cautious and tells me that I have to be very quiet so that nobody can hear me, as if she was afraid that her parents could discover.

The first times this happened I was very confused, then once or twice I was very scared that she would not come back to "normal" and so I cautiously and kindly asked her if she could remember some actual facts. She reflected and seemed a bit confused but couldn't explain it and tried to make sense of it creatively. Sometimes this lead to a headache which I knew was the sign that she would close her eyes soon to fall asleep for a shorter or longer period of time and usually wake back up as an adult.

She does not like to talk about these episodes, she hardly remembers them and seems to try to deny them. She does not go to therapy anymore, because the therapists were not what she thought she needed and she is certain that she needs to have a stable situation first with friends to support her after she comes home from therapy. She worries about not being able to fulfill her role as a mother while going through a tough time in therapy.

I would like to know if anyone here is familiar with this situation. I would like to start a discussion about what I should do when she goes into the child state.

 

[Justmehere]

Perhaps ask her when not in this state what her therapist would recommend would be helpful for you to do when this happens.

 

[EveHarrington]

She is a danger to herself and thereby putting her children in danger....

She needs to be in therapy, like yesterday.

I know that if she’s in the USA and someone catches wind of these dissociative episodes, you all could have CPS knocking at your door because she cannot take care of herself, let alone her kids.

I say all of this to stress just how serious all of this is.

Wanting a strong support network before starting therapy? A nice idea, but no, just no. Given how serious the consequences could be, she needs a therapist NOW.

Perhaps ask her when not in this state what her therapist would recommend would be helpful for you t...

Agreed, this is “ask your therapist” territory, not “ask strangers on the internet” territory. It’s too serious for that.

 

[Justmehere]

I'd like to also add:

She does not go to therapy anymore, because the therapists were not what she thought she needed and she is certain that she needs to have a stable situation first with friends to support her after she comes home from therapy. She worries about not being able to fulfill her role as a mother while going through a tough time in therapy.

Good trauma would first help her stabilize. If what is happening in therapy is leaving her to be so unstable she can't be at home alone or care for children, then she may need specialized inpatient care to process the trauma. But it's also possible to do work in therapy that isn't about processing trauma, and risking stirring up symptoms, but all about how to manage dissociation, regression, and other symptoms.

But, you can't force her to go to therapy.

If she is ever an imminent harm to herself, or others, or unable to feed and clothe herself, then she could possibly be hospitalized against her will - but that doesn't quote sound like that kind of situation. (Is it?) Short of that kind of situation, if she is not willing to go, then she is not willing to go. Don't try to be her therapist or her parent. You can't really be either, and it wouldn't be appropriate to try to be.

You can set boundaries, which are about controlling your behavior, not hers, when she goes into a regressed state. What those boundaries should be, especially with kids in the mix, with someone who is refusing help... I don't know. It's a complex situation to be sure, and my heart really goes out to you.

Since she won't go to trauma therapy herself, would you be willing to consult with a trauma therapist yourself about how to handle the situation? That would be totally appropriate. It's ok for supporters to ask for professional support for themselves in how to handle things like this at any time. If you ever feel overwhelmed or unsure how to evaluate a safety issue, you can also call a crisis line and ask them for in the moment advice.

 

[Swift]

I agree with everyone else, this is nuclear-level stuff.
The reason we're all freaking out a bit is this is a symptom of something underlying and serious.
Like, if you have a headache, it's probably not a stroke, but if you're paralyzed down one side of your body, even if it's only intermittent, that's a really massive indicator that you need to see a professional, like, yesterday
I hope that makes sense. The symptom, in and of itself, isn't too terrible. But it does indicate that things underneath aren't right, and will get worse and more dangerous, possibly life-threatening, without treatment.
Sorry to kind of bring the heavy.
This sort of thing can end very, very badly - with hospitalization, harm done to people, and suicide, just to name a few.
That's probably not what you wanted to know, and for that, I'm sorry.
do you mind if I ask a little more about the context of your relationship?