Relapse

[piratelady]

I haven't been on this site in years. It's amazing how much it's changed, and I'm thankful it's still here. I'm still trying to reacquaint myself with it, so I apologize if I've posted in the wrong section.

I have been doing great! I got married, I've almost finished my degree, I quite therapy a couple of years ago because I thought I had overcome my PTSD. It's amazing how quickly things change. Something triggered me, that I don't really understand and now I feel like I'm nothing, that I'm a failure.

I tried so hard yesterday to just get through the work day. I knew wasn't ok, so I reached back out to my old therapist and I'm going to see him on Monday. I still couldn't manage to calm down, so I came home and cut myself. It's the first time I've done that in years. Now I feel worse about myself. Calmer, but worse. It was the only way I could calm down. I just feel like a failure now.

 

[Freida]

Now I feel worse about myself. Calmer, but worse. It was the only way I could calm down. I just feel like a failure now.

I have a great ptsd guru (not a therapist) who has told me all along that ptsd is cyclical. It will pop back up even after I think its all done and handled. He said its like being on a diet --- I'll lose 20 pounds and then without even noticing it will creep back on. And I'll have to go back to the diet and back to the gym. Not a terribly happy thought but at least I'm prepared for the idea that even once I'm done with all this work I'll still have to deal with it again......ugh.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry you relapsed. Hug to you

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re not a failure, not in the least.

I think a change in perspective would help you. Instead of thinking you’re cured or that you’ve conquered PTSD, think of it as healing with the possibility of downswings when stressed. Knowing a symptom flare is possible keeps us from feeling like a failure when we go downhill again. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but given that there is no cure for PTSD, it’s a way of mentally getting through it without feeling like a failure. Yes, this is par for the course. The “overcome” mentality leaves no room for likely spikes in symptoms when we get stressed again, cue the failure feelings.

 

[piratelady]

I'll lose 20 pounds and then without even noticing it will creep back on.

It's funny you said that. I read this the first time and didn't think much of it. I've been on the forum more than I should today and was reading through parts of my old diary. It's interesting to see some of the same thoughts, fears, and issues as I had about 4 years ago. The bad part is the last time I felt this way I didn't cut myself like I did this time. I guess my coping muscles haven't gotten weak.

The “overcome” mentality leaves no room for likely spikes in symptoms when we get stressed again, cue the failure feelings.

I think maybe this is where I went wrong. Honestly, I haven't given a thought to having PTSD in a few years. I felt normal and happy. Then this all crept up and it's like being hit by an emotional bus and feeling like a failure.

 

[KwanYingirl]

What you have achieved is taking the steps you learned years ago to get back on track. That doesn’t sound to me as failure, but rather a plan of action. Just having a plan can be enough to get you through til you see your T. Welcome back.

 

[Innordinate]

Sometimes we just have bad days, or weeks. Sometimes months, and that's all it is.
You're obviously aware because you very quickly booked an appointment to help you stop the spiral before you go down farther.
You're allowed to have a bad day, a bad week. You're allowed to, without it meaning that you're a failure. You're allowed to screw up. Without it meaning that you're a failure.

 

[piratelady]

I don't know what it is, but what you said @Innordinate makes me uneasy and I think I disagree with it. How does one completely forget how to cope in a healthy way? I shed a few tears, well a lot of tears at work, and the only answer was to cut. Then that gave me a sense of shame and anxiety about having hurt myself, which makes me want to do it again. It's such a vicious cycle that I should have been able to prevent.

Now my husband will be back soon, he doesn't even know I have PTSD or that I hurt myself and I have to lie to him to keep my secret because I'm terrified about what will happen when he finds out. Then there is the fact that I'm deliberately trying to deceive him for the sake of hurting myself...something I'm not supposed to be doing in the first place.

I keep thinking about what will happen if he finds out. How could I let a man marry me and not tell him about this? How bad of a person am I? Pretty damn bad. It's like I trapped him into marrying a damaged person who can't even cope with losing someone she didn't even have a relationship with in the first place. I'm nothing to him, he's my Grandpa and I'm nothing. He's a blood relative and he can leave me, my husband isn't What if my husband finds out what a horrible failure I am, he has even less reason to stay, less reason to keep loving me. All because I can't cope with something that shouldn't bother me anyway.

 

[KwanYingirl]

In what way are you a failure? You have PTSD by definition, sufferers more likely than not, expect to die without ever telling a soul about their abuse. That is not failure. You are allowed to tell or not tell anyone your history. Having said that, breaking your silence, as scared as that seems, will allow those people who love you be the support they would be a part of your healing vs. adding to your anxiety of being found out, which in turns leads you to dysfunctional coping mechanisms like cutting. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.

 

[Freida]

Pretty damn bad. It's like I trapped him into marrying a damaged person who can't even cope

What if my husband finds out what a horrible failure I am, he has even less reason to stay, less reason to keep loving me.

Stop. You don't get to do this to him. And yes- I can say that because I've had this conversation with hubby and it is one of the only times he has REALLY been angry with me. Because I told myself these things about him -- and that hurt him horribly.
He asked me --- How could I have thought these things about him? Did I really think so little of him? What kind of a person did I think he was???!!!

When we met I had no idea I had ptsd. I had managed to block most of the things that happened. When it all came crashing back in I thought the same kind of things -- how could he even stand to be in the same room with someone like me? he could have done so much better - being with someone who wasn't damaged like I was. How could he even look me in the eye? And I wouldn't even tell him what I had done! Because I KNEW he would leave me if he found out. Because the things I did?? They couldn't be forgiven.

Admitting to him that I believed he would leave me over it? It's one of the only times I have seen him cry. And that hurt ME more than anything that had happened in the past.

Don't do this to him.

 

[Innordinate]

How does one completely forget how to cope in a healthy way?

P- is there anything in your life that you do perfectly every single time you do it? You have not forgotten how to cope in a healthy way. You had a reaction to a pretty big change in your life. A very meaningful one, whether you want it to be or not, or think it should be or not.
You goofed, or, you think you goofed. You might have, but this in no way means that you've failed anything. I know, this is a vicious cycle also.
It does not mean you need to go down that cycle.
I'm glad you contacted your therapist to work through it with.
I have so much more to say, but I am not good at saying the things I want in any way that is useful.

You are in that space that and not ready to hear, but I believe you will get out of that space again. Like you have before. Because you can. Because you have before. And in the future you will again.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks Inn, l appreciate your feedback. Mentally, I know what you are saying is correct. Emotionally, I'm not there.