Childhood Attachment and grieving

[Deleted member 46621]

I am in awe and admiration of all of you for being the survivors you are.
I have a few questions:
Does anyone have any experience with "Attachment Focused Family Therapy/Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP)".? I looking to learn from your experience pls share or private message me.

You see, I'm a lovely 44 year old female but had a very complex relationship with my mother. I for years was seeing therapists about "abandonment, rejection" of a mother because she abandoned me and left my father without any prior warnings which changed the course of my life - when I was 17. I have had bouts with depression a few times at 17, 30, 36. And currently have to take a few different meds to stay emotionally regulated.

My mother one year ago passed away after 8 months of being in the hospital due to heart and lung issues. I was trying to save her. Found the right doctor for her to get a second opinion for a vascular surgery, but she didn't want to listen and 2 days before the consult at John Hopkins Medical Center, she went under the knife of an unknown surgeon. From there, she had a heart attack and got close to death a few times. I personally watched her get close a few times. No matter how much I tried to convince her that her course of treatment was wrong, doctors, hospital... she wouldn't listen. But my brother and sister had full control over her. My brother bullied me for the entire time using his "Point of Contact" rights to hold me back from seeing her or talking to the doctors. Didn't stop me. I watched her slowly die in front of me and felt helpless. Apparently she had amassed a lot of jewelry and my siblings tortured her in a cheap hospital until she realized she is really dying, my brother discharged her from the hospital without me knowing took her home as she openned the SAFE and gave him everything. Soon after my siblings transfered her out of that hospital. I was with my mother the last weekend she was there. I knew my time was limited and that she wouldn't live. So I wanted permanent permission to come to the next hospital, but my brother didn't allow for me to go. My heart broke again. After a huge fight, I said my goodbye. I didn't have the heart to be mean to her. Instead, I thanked her for everything and left - we both knew she wasn't going to hang around much longer. And to save her life, I had to stay away so the fighting between my siblings and I would stop. EVERYTHING I was telling them we were doing incorrectly for the course of her treatment they would do the opposite. Since I was right, I thought it was best to let the doctors talk sense to them. I live with these horrible tramas all the time. I have flashbacks all the time. My mother went into coma and that was when my brother allowed me to see her. I thought all along as he would put it, he was "protecting" her - what a bad person I had been. She was in coma and I stayed in the room, held her hand until she left us.

I want to reiterate - that I have had doctors look at my mother's medical records and even those that do not have a background. The general consensus is that I was right all along. My personal belief all along - since it started was that she was misdiagnosed, had she allowed for me to help her, she would still be alive. I genuinely believe it.

If I was to explain how hard I worked to save her for 8 months, you all would be in shock. The fact that I had had issues all my life with her - and she with me made me feel ever more guilty all the time - and I was relentless. I live in NYC and she was in Washington - in 4 months I drove 8000 mile. I deposited large amounts in her back account to make sure her bills were being paid. Yet, I was constantly door-slammed, bullied by my 35 year old brother putting fear in me that he would call Hospital Security and prevent me from seeing my mother. My siblings too access to her medical portal away from me. Her email password which I had for years my sister changed. I would find ways to get information about her health but the amount of times I heard "your mother has told us not to give you information" are far too many to count. And those 8 months each step was like using a hammer and nailing it in my head one at a time. When she died, my brother started to act weird. Told his friends not to speak to me. My mother had a jewelry store which he was managing and he soon said the store was his. Her Safe at home my siblings which are both jewelers claimed she had lost the combination to it but I had seen the Safe door open - as my childhood jewelry was in there. I went on a pilgrimage to save my own life soon after - a backpack, hiking shoes and my faith - for 33 days I walked 500 miles. I then got suspicious and found my mother's jewelry being sold on E-Bay which literally broke my heart. How was that possible? Here I was the least loved child that was pushed away for 44 years trying to save her mother, but the "chosen son" was busy plotting for her death and her jewelry. For months, I was going through this horrible grieving... finally one day, when I was speaking to my therapist, I said to her that I think my issue is not around abandonment, but around "attachment"... the theory that adults with childhood trauma by a parent(s) don't develop the most basic "developments" to deal with their feelings of trust, attachment - and in adulthood it turns into PTSD of sort. The truth is that my mother emotionally de-stablized me since I was a baby. All the time over various things until I was 17. When I went away for college and I would visit her once a month she would push my buttons and we would have a huge flight - when we were alone. She would call my brother (9 years younger than me) to come to her home and bully me (not physically)... this went on all of my life.

I wrote this long story - apologies - but I needed to share the backstory - my question for all of you is - what happens to the adult (ex-child) when the parent that hurts them all their life dies. What will they grieve? What will they carry on? How can they development "attachment" so they can have a full life? Or is it not possible? That the fear of getting hurt "again" makes them stay at home watching Netflix as life passes them by?

Has anyone dealt with a situation like mine? How have you sought treatment?

I must emphasize that in my family we don't have any history of physical abuse. This is all mental abuse.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Fadeaway]

Technically we can't diagnosis any one here, but based on what you have said, you do not meet the criteria for PTSD.

Attachment issues develop in early childhood. Being abandoned by your mother as a young adult is distressing but far from traumatic in the types of of trauma that cause PTSD.

Not trying to compare, but my mom committed suicide when I was around the age your mom left. So I understand parental abandonment.

I deleted alot of my post, but I know myself and others find it distressing when people want to have PTSD who clearly don't have it. Alas, I need to keep it civil.

 

[Rumors]

You covered a lot in your post...especially the fact that you were right and everyone else was wrong. Sometimes being right isn't being right... that has been a hard lesson for me to learn. It sounds as if your mom's health was terrible and your brother, who was charged with caring for your mom, did what he felt was best. Your mom apparently was in good enough mind to make health decisions for herself by having surgery. I don't know what your expectation might be, but it sounds as if you spent a lot of time bucking everyone instead of spending time with your mom and trying to make peace. Perhaps that could be one reason why you still question her ending?? The "I'm right and you are wrong" mentality often leaves us empty bc there is no closure. Although it is too late to garner peace with your mom, you may be able to have some closure to a difficult story with your siblings... just good for thought. Good luck

 

[Friday]

@Greenapple007 ...Please log into your account in order to reply/post.

 

[EveHarrington]

It makes me wonder when people say they have ptsd of sort, or a kind of ptsd. Is this what your therapists tells you? The diagnosis is pretty straightforward in that there aren’t many different kinds of ptsd. You can have delayed onset ptsd, but that just means you had a bit of time between the trauma and symptom onset. And there is a dissociative subtype as well, but that means you have significant dissociation in addition to meeting the basic ptsd criteria. Are you familiar with ptsd criteria? I don’t doubt that you are suffering, as I know you’ve been through a lot. You’re dealing with so much grief and it may take you years to work through it.

To me it sounds like you want to blame your brother and sister for everything when the reality of the situation is that your mom didn’t really care about you. Your fawning behavior sounds a little insane, even stalkerish. I think it would be good to work on your fawning behavior as it will likely be a hindrance to having healthy relationships. I speak out of experience.

What do you grieve? The loss of the mother you never had.

 

[Deleted member 46621]

What a great observation. To me, PTSD isn't a direct criteria of whether I fit into the "boxed" criteria. Its post "trauma" - period. There are many different types of trauma. Childhood abuse and disassociation which leads to not living a full time to me is caused by "post-trauma" - Thats just my opinion. I take medication similar to mood-stabilizers, yet I am NOT bi-polar. The dis-regulation of emotions is "post-trauma" - which impacts everything in my life... fear, anxiety, depression, etc.

I think the grieving is on so many levels - as you point out. But I don't agree with your evaluation of stalkerish. She was my mother. And in this world we only have one mother. And when I could witness she didn't have the right doctors, care and medications which her condition was worsening right in front of my eyes - a child does everything to save their mother. And that I had a nasty sister that constantly would badmouth me to my mother - as well as my brother to due ulterior motives just made me determined to find other ways to try to influence it. Ultimately, my mother LOST her life because as you say politely "my mom didn't really care about me". And that has all of the 43 years been the core of the issue. And its very painful. Very truly painful. She had her own psychological issues and took it out on me. Her brothers were the same way. BUT - if my siblings were true "siblings" which she would raised to not get "attached" to me, they would have had separate meetings with me outside the hospital, or after she was gone, not to systematically go against me. After she died, the hurt didn't stop.

I don't think I grieve her kindness - because she was never kind to me. Or caring. Nor did I allow her in my own way. BUT BUT BUT a child's emotions need to be developed and when a mother constantly doesn't do that, that to me is a form of "emotional abuse". I think a big part of the grieving is the "loss of the opportunity/possibility to never achieve the love I deserved". Keep in mind that a child sees how her friends are treated by their parents and craves for that. So she/he knows something is wrong.

But the other point about grieving is that had she listened to anything or "allowed" me (after witnessing my stalkish behavior) to speak to the Doctors or get access to her medical records... she would be ALIVE. But she thought she was going to live and wanted my sister and brother to get the "credit"...

At the end of her life - the last night I was with her, sleeping in her hospital room, lights dim, I spoke to her how "she wasn't present" when her mother died - she was in another country - and her response for once was real... "she said, "oh my god, that was horrible"... then she understood what I was saying... she said, "But not all children need to be present when a parent dies". I knew that was going to be the last night I would see her. Don't ask me why - I just knew. In the middle of the night, as I was listening to music, to check on her breathing (she couldn't breath without a mask at that point anymore) I opened my eyes and I found her starring at me. Like she was saying her goodbye, a look of regret, a lot of sadness, embarrassment for how she handled me.... when she saw I could see her, she turned her face opposite me. A while later, 4 am, I woke up seeing 15 nurses and doctors at her bedside trying to regulate her heart - and I said, "Mom I'm here for you" - and she said OK. Afterwards, I left the room and went to the lobby hospital and sobbed - loud. Went to the chapel, took the bible - and sobbed. I knew it was "over" - she "too". In the 3 weeks after, though as per her iPhone, she was making calls and sending texts, she never called or texted me. She told my brother her last days that she "texted me to come" but my brother couldn't find a text ... yes, you are correct, my mother didn't give a shit about me... and even the last night when I reminded her about her mother... and even the next day when she had decided to ban me from coming to the next hospital... she knew that she could HURT me one last time.

I should be married with kids now... have a nice home, live a good life... but I am not. Am I?
Going back to my initial question - when a child doesn't develop emotionally and doesn't get attached properly, what do they grieve? How do they grieve?

 

[Deleted member 46621]

Technically we can't diagnosis any one here, but based on what you have said, you do not meet the crit...

Dear Fadeaway - I'm actually glad that I am NOT diagnosed with PTSD. I don't believe in these diagnosis. I have studied te brain and met people that are bipolar, etc... including my own cousin. Most then get diagnosed, they fall into the system... have to get monitored, are constantly told they are ill. Hence they never reach their maximum capacity for who they can be and get treated by those close to them as though they have mental issues.

I am truly and deeply sorry for what you went through about your mother. Part of me understands - but it took me years to learn to deal with it. I had vivid memories about each step I took when I found out on the phone... or what my Uncle told me on the phone, or how I broke the news to my father. This is a type of "photo-graphic trauma" memory which is hardest to cope with. There are techniques that are available to lessen the pain which worked for me. I highly recommend it.

 

[Fadeaway]

But what you are experiencing is not PTSD no matter what you consider to be PTSD. The types of trauma that cause PTSD are very specific. Just because you are suffering from distressing events in your life, doesn't make it PTSD

People with PTSD can have co-occuring attachment disorders and people can have attachment disorders without having PTSD. Forget professional diagnosis for a minute. There are plenty of people who have PTSD but haven't been diagnosed. However they still suffer from the symptoms. You suffer from a different set of symptoms. There are several diagnosis that share SOME of the same symptoms as PTSD but the cause of the disorders are different.

You can not have PTSD from emotional trauma. However, you can have other disorders as a result of what you went through. Just trying to stress here that PTSD doesn't come from just any trauma but very specific types of trauma.

Now, to your question. You very possibly could have attachment disorders as well as other issues, but it is important to distinguish between those and PTSD so that you can get the proper help. PTSD isn't curable but other disorders are, so that is the good news.

There is no right or wrong way that someone grieves. I personally grieve not having a good parent growing up, but it took 20 years to grieve her death.

There is also stuck grief where people can't move past the grief with out the proper health. The thing to do is seek out a therapist that specializes in grief counseling and attachment issues.
There are a few different types of attachment disorders so keep that in mind.

 

[Rumors]

I should be married with kids now... have a nice home, live a good life... but I am not. Am I?

Uh... your choice. At some point in time you need to take responsibility and stop blaming everyone for where you feel like you fall short. Personally, I think your post is whining. If you want to enact real change, go get a therapist and do the work. Don't come on a ptsd forum and tell those of us who suffer, and I mean truly suffer, that you don't believe in the diagnosis and then ask for advice from the very people you just doubted.
You seriously need to seek help but it isn't for ptsd. Blaming everyone does nothing except perpetuate the victim ideology and that will get you nowhere. If you want to grieve, there are lots of places that can help you do so n a manner that is therapeutic and not one in which you are feeling sorry for yourself. Good luck!

 

[EveHarrington]

But what you are experiencing is not PTSD no matter what you consider to be PTSD. The types of trauma...

Word.


OP, PTSD *IS* directly fitting into the check off boxes. This is how a medical diagnosis works!

This is not a disorder where you just feel bad after life throws you a curve ball.

Your mom told her doctors many times to tell you to stay away. This IS stalkerish and is an inability of you to abide by boundaries. I don’t care if she was your mother. No means no means no means no means no. I’m not surprised that your brother went to the lengths that he did. Your inability to understand “no” likely added stress to your mothers life!

Your opinions of the mentally ill are quite judgmental and far from the truth! Here you have a board full of people who are diagnosed (for the most part) and fighting like hell to get better. And, here in the USA a diagnosis is required in order for insurance to pay for much of the help we receive.

Your opinions are part of the problem that just adds to the stigma regarding those who have a mental illness!

 

[Friday]

@Greenapple007

You don’t have PTSD, don’t have qualifying trauma that even makes PTSD possible, furthermore don’t believe in the diagnosis... and have come to a PTSD board to tell people with PTSD what to do, using your made up definition of what PTSD “really” is.

That’s called trolling. Banned.