How do i be more caring/nicer to my husband

[Gs172003]

It really bugs me that you all think I was trying to manipulate him by bringing him here and that I was intentionally hurting his feelings. That is not the case. I told him about the support here back in April and asked him if he would want to join. He said sure. So he did and only used it twice for a few minutes. Because of the way he usually is I figured he would not he back. So I stopped worrying about what I posted and starting posting as usual. Of course as luck would have it I posted something while upset and that would be the one day he would decide to log back on. I didn't expect it, and apologized. Now I'm not sure if I can stay. I don't feel like I can post freely anymore and now I feel very judged.

Dead Link Removed

It's a very good work...

I've tried. I've talked. And talked and talked.
I took him to therapy and it turned into marriage counseling.

 

[Suzetig]

You’ve posted a lot about your relationship - it’s not just been one thread - and much of it has been uncomplimentary. It’s your choice how you use the site and I’m not judging you - but if you want to have a healthy relationship, talking about it in a place he can read and know it’s you isnt the way.

Instead of deciding that everyone is against you (“everyone” didn’t challenge you, I did and one other that I can see, “everyone” didn’t say you were manipulative, I said I would feel manipulated if my partner did it to me) it may be worth taking a step back, reading what was actually said and think about what you need from here. You’ve been here a while now, you know how the site works and what it can offer. I know some of that has been valuable to and hopefully it can be again.

 

[barefoot]

It really bugs me that you all think I was trying to manipulate him by bringing him here and that I was intentionally hurting his feelings.

Fwiw, I don't think you have brought your husband to this forum and then posted to intentionally hurt his feelings. I don't think that at all.

And I don't think you're a bad person or something because you've encouraged your husband to come here, he's then joined and you've posted some negative things about him (before he joined and since)

What I think is that, because you are now both members here, you have potentially created a bit of a muddle for yourself and your relationship with your husband. Because now, this:

I don't feel like I can post freely anymore

You probably can't now post as freely as you did before your husband was on the site, because now everything you post is accessible to him, so you run the risk of him seeing something/reacting to something. So it's understandable if you now find yourself thinking you may have to edit/censor yourself a bit here. It's also possible that you might get slightly edited/censored responses from other posters here too if they are aware that your husband may also see their posts (especially if the topic pertains to your marriage)

On your other thread (the codependency one) you said you encouraged him to join here so he could better understand PTSD and so that he could get some support. This bit on this thread that Lost just quoted:

He said he wanted to come on this site to help me. He's barely been on it and when he has he hasn't read anything related to us.

does feel to me that, on some level at least, you have wanted him to read things you'd said about him/your relationship. Maybe you hoped that that would be a way in to try to work some things out between the pair of you? I don't know...

I think you both being on here has potentially complicated things in terms of your relationship.

it turned into marriage counseling

Would you be open to marriage counselling? Not necessarily with your own T in place of your 1:1 sessions, I don't mean, but maybe seeing someone new who might be able to help you both, together, with some of the things you've posted about recently?

I feel very judged

I'm sorry if you feel that some of us are judging you. I'm not judging you. But when you're asking on one thread how to be nicer to your husband while on other threads posting things that aren't very nice about him (whether you're triggered or upset or what or not when you write them) and he can potentially read it all...those two stances just feel poles apart to me and counter-productive. And that's what I was wanting to point you to. It genuinely wasn't meant as a way to put you down or to cause any upset. I don't see judgment from others either. What I see is that you inviting your husband to join here to help you/him/both of you may have backfired somewhat and hasn't achieved what you originally hoped it would. And that a few of us have pointed out that you both being here and what you want to achieve with him in your relationship right now don't really seem to be compatible as things currently stand.

 

[Gs172003]

That was from before I started posting freely again. That is why I felt like I could post. Sorry for the confusion.

The qoute didn't go through.

The part where you mentioned he didn't read my stuff. That had nothing to do with relationship stuff just that he hadn't read any of my posts so I didn't feel like it mattered what I wrote.

 

[blackemerald1]

I don't feel like I can post freely anymore and now I feel very judged.

Hey @Zoogal - Nobody is judging you, your husband or your relationship. We all give our 2 cents worth and you have to ignore what doesn't fit.

We only have our personal experience to relate to. Not yours. We can only comment on what you tell us and I think sometimes a lot can get lost translating from emotions to typed words. And all of our very own rather unique perspectives get added into the mix. It doesn't mean ideas etc will not be challenged because they will. That is not judgement though.

Nobody can know your relationship like you and your husband do. I think it is impossible to know everything going on in someone else's relationship whether it is here on in real life.

I think you are really struggling with work, therapy, relationship and just getting through the day to day stuff. I know you have wanted to stop work, found things your therapist has said challenging and are obviously worried about your relationship with your husband.

I'm concerned all this has been peaking for your in the last few weeks. I don't think it is a coincidence. It's like you are throwing your arms out in despair and depression.

If it is all PTSD related please go back to your therapist or make an appointment with a psydoc and tell them that you are really struggling right now. It might be time to look at medications and doing things differently. :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

I see my therapist today. I will ask her about destressing options.
I would love to go camping and just not have to deal with anything for a while. That won't happen.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Zoogal, I need at least 1 hour of alone time a day, every day. Two hours is what I usually take. Can you do this? It really helps me destress, and I feel I have a safe haven at 3pm every day. It makes a huge difference in my stress tolerance.

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal, I need at least 1 hour of alone time a day, every day. Two hours is what...

I can try that. Thanks

Thank you all. I'm feeling better about all this. The suggestions are helpful.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I know you're suffering and I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. I understand and wish you the best.

 

[Gs172003]

I know you're suffering and I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. I understand and wish you the...

Thank you

 

[dubliner38]

If you can see this in your behaviour, you can help yourself to behave better. It is only when we...

what I find i when she gets triggered all sense is gone she will lash out at me because I am safe.then I get hurt I confront her on it that makes it worse and it just rolls from there. its hard to stop it in the moment I belive we both try to stop it to protect our selfs from hurt.

Seriously? I’d stop posting about him in a forum where you know he could come across it. I’d feel...

my wife has a very hard time opening up to me I let her down in the past alot when she did. if she can open up on here to other people that is a step forward in my books given time and understanding from me she will open up to me agine and I want let her down like i did in the past. as what people on here do or do not think of me dont matter much to me. I am me and most days I am ok whit that I have bin down the dark roads of life wanted to kill myself more than once was going to a couple of times and came back from it. I stay away from it know

Even when triggered we’re responsible for our behaviour - if I beat my child after I was triggered, I’d still be responsible for abusing her and there would be a reasonable expectation

what about when your triggerd in to a fight or flee response how in-control are you then. I know from my past there are things I did that I wish I had done diffrent

one last thing I want to say. yes every body gives there 2 cents on here every body has there own story and things that have shaped there 2 cents. I go to group and see it every time I go. I know many of you have had a very painful life at times and I am very sorry for that. I ve had my own crap not nearly as bad as most of you all but all the same it shaped me none the less. my wife took alot of what was said to heart as that is her way put her down and she will eat it up that is what she was though that she was no good she struggles whit it alot I use to do it to her not really knowing what damage I was doing. even saying i was just joking. I stopped and it is rare that I slip up and do it but I do at times.

 

[Friday]

@dubliner38

People with PTSD often treat others badly... and that’s wrong, full stop. No, it’s not super fun to hear someone call you on it, especially if you’re not only not doing it on purpose, but pretty oblivious to it. Although it’s arguably the most dangerous and destructive when someone oblivious to it... because they aren’t even trying to stop. It’s hard enough to change a beavhior you darn well know is a problem. When you don’t even see it? When no one cares enough to tell you they see you crossing the line? People get hurt. And you’re the one hurting them.

Whether it’s physical violence, verbal abuse, emotional blackmail, mindgames, adultery, financial abuse, or flat out disrespect... there are a lot of common themes resulting from different kinds of trauma... that are absolutely NOT symptoms of PTSD. Lashing out? Is a symptom. But a person chooses their actions. Even if the choice is split second fast, or they’re not even aware they’re making a decision. Fight/Flight mode doesn’t turn us into mindless animals incapable of all self control. Even if it sometimes feels that way, in the beginning, or you’re brand new to learning self control. Just because a person wants to fight, or wants to run away, doesn’t mean they have to.

Rage & Fear are emotions. Not actions. The actions we take when we’re furious or terrified (or numb, or anything else) are our own. We choose them. We don’t choose the emotion, but we do choose what to do with it. Other people don’t make us do them. PTSD doesn’t make us do them. We do them.

put her down and she will eat it up

Being called on bad behavior? In PTSD-Land? Isn’t a put down. It means someone cares enough to say something.

There’s a big difference between saying something to hurt someone / putting them down, & saying something when you see someone hurting themselves or someone else / trying to help them up.

People go about doing that a lot of different ways.

One of the benefits of peer-support is you can have 10 people each call someone out on bad behavior (or anything else) in 10 completely different ways. Sharing our own experience/ strength/ hope, yeah? As we each see it, and know it. Sometimes a person isn’t ready to hear it, even if it’s exactly what they’ve asked for, and none of them will stick. Other times something just clicks, and what someone says makes sense, even though they’ve heard it a million times before. Or you come across a perspective you never even considered. Or something that feels like a punch in the gut on first read, you get a little distance, come back, and oh.... I see that now! Or not. Shrug. Other people’s opinions are just that. They may be right, they may not be. It’s very much a take what you like, and ignore the rest.

Asking for help and then using the answers to beat yourself up with? Is a way of avoiding the problem. The same problem they were asking about. There are a whole lot of cognitive distortions wrapped up in that (we have a few totally badass articles onnnegative thinking styles, but unfortunately they’re in limbo as the site is being prepared to upgrade).