Relationship Is this just how it goes? 5 years of dealing with abandonment ptsd

[Fadeaway]

There's seriously something else wrong with him on top of ptsd. Don't confuse the PTSD symptoms with the other symptoms that indicate other disorders.

 

[dubliner38]

hi. sounds to me like you need to make a stand. treat me right and get help and I will stay here true it whit you or you blame me on it all and leave. I would try well I should say I do try not to lose my self control it gose to hell when I do, if you can stay calm and point it out that ha I aint yelling why are you. he cant blame you take that power away. he may never see that he is wrong. he may be afraid to dig in to his past. I am myself. I dont have ptsd or anything like it just feel like my marriage cant have two of us unstable from our past pain at the same time. I was told that I was going to be killed when I was 16 had people not ran the attackers of I dont remember any of it. bin told diffrent things now bin over 20 years no still nothing still pain and fear at times

p s dont trust him have somebody there when you do it. I dont like how you make him sound he could get violent in my eyes at least

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... the lashing out and aggression. That is not OK. The PTSD may cause feelings of rage, but it is his decision to act on them.

You do not have to take it just because he has PTSD. You're allowed boundaries. It wouldn't matter if he had PTSD, a brain tumor, devil possession, AND and arrow in his brain... he still does not have an excuse to call you names, yell at you, or get aggressive.

You have to decide what you will or will not tolerate. When you decide what you will not, then set your boundary. That is your limit. Your line in the sand. Boundaries are about controlling your behavior, not anybody else's. For instance, it's not "you can't call me names", it's "if he calls me names I'll will disengage and leave the room/hang up the phone/not continue the conversation." Your partner has no say in your boundaries. They're YOUR boundaries, they don't get to decide what you will or will not tolerate. Only you. They can choose to respect your boundaries or not, but if they don't, then they have to deal with the consequences.

Once you set a boundary you have to communicate it clearly, then enforce it. If you don't 100% mean it, don't say it. For instance I do not tolerate cheating. It is a deal breaker for me. If my vet cheats (which includes physical contact with another woman, sexting, and trolling for or participating in online relationships), I will leave in a hot-ass heartbeat. We've been together for years, but I would have no second thoughts or doubts in my mind. I could never trust him again, and if I can't trust him I can't love him. Game over, your belongings will be on the curb and you better get them before the garbage man does. He can choose to cheat or not... but that's what will happen if he cheats on me, and he knows it.

You can set boundaries for lashing out as well. You do not have to stand there and listen to him yell. When my vet yells or lashes out, I stop him "I love you, but I'm not going to be yelled out. I will talk to you when you're ready to talk like a civilized adult"... then I remove myself from the situation. I do not discuss. I do not escalate. I leave. And I do it consistently every time he hits a certain point.

 

[Abstract]

I realise the answers you have received are possibly very different to the ones you thought you would get and that may be overwhelming. Don't be frightened off. Its OK to discuss this and process it slowly. You won't be the only person in this situation.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @faithful welcome,

I am really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is putting you through a lot of stress.

He sounds abusive to me too. I just wanted to suggest a couple of books to you ~ Patricia Evans, the Verbally Abusive relationship and Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Both books are ever so helpful when you are in a relationship with someone like this. (I have been too) best wishes x

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He was raised in a cult with sexual violence.

As was I. And, yes, I do explode (now more contriubuted to PTSD then BPD as they are caused by pure anxiety and panic and hyper arrousal) but that is my behavior that I must control. My therapist taught me how to feel it coming on. To feel the anxiety rising before the kaboom but either way, it is my reaponsibility to control my behavior. I must find something (leaving, deep breathing, changing the subject, hanging up, ignore, go into another room, DBT therapies, or anything else) to control my behavior. It is not up to anyone else to put up with it, take the blame, direct my thoughts, or anything else. A sufferer won't get help or be helped unless they want to be and enter therapy willingly. He's a big boy. He doesn't need to be tricked into therapy. I was forced into therapy (go or get out) but I willingly went and continued going. But nothing on this planet excuses my abusing another human being. You can be having an anxiety/panic episode that causes an explosion and beat a dog or a child and beating the dog or the child is still wrong and you will still go to jail for it no matter the reasoning. You are still reaponsible for your behavior no matter the reasoning for said behavior. If not then all murders that murderer due to some weird snap would not be charged but they are. Because everyone is still responsible to control their behavior and treat others with the same respect that they want to be treated with.

I have blind rage explosions and I say you are being abused and you need to get out of this relationship in my opinion!

 

[shimmerz]

Same, though. CPTSD doesn’t cause abuse.

True, but if it is trauma that was part of his developmental years things that look like intentional abuse may actually be him replaying what he learned about human interaction. Not saying that is okay, but am saying that it could be ignorance insofar as not knowing how else to act. Regardless, he needs to know about the dysfunctional behaviour and work on it with a T. In the meanwhile, if the behaviour is abusive, I would say to the OP that they need to not be involved.

 

[JM318]

Hello all, I've been with my guy for 5 years and he has all the symptoms of PTSD. Not from combat, bu...

Your story and mine go hand in hand, word for word, we live the same life. Except it’s been 4 years for us. I’m currently sleeping on my friends couch, and I’m so tired of this shit.