Relationship Where's the line?

[caligirl03]

As a PTSD supporter, it can be extremely difficult to understand where the line between demonstrating empathy and simply tolerating abuse is. I intellectually understand that a loved one can't help their condition while also being told that while PTSD may be a reason, it is never an excuse. I just know that in a similar relationship dynamic with someone without PTSD, we wouldn't hesitate to say this person is a highly abusive asshole, plain and simple. So by this logic, it does seem like the diagnosis sort of justifies a lot of the behavior. I don't know about anybody else, but this is a major mind screw for me, and I constantly find myself wobbling across that tightrope.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... in a nutshell.

 

[Esterio]

It can be very difficult to understand what is going on with your survivor. While PTSD is maybe the cause you are right it is never and excuse to treat someone badly. I am a survivor and I know getting along with me has many challenges and not many come around me. I have chosen to stay away from most people, I have a few places I go and interact but for the most part I stay away then I don't have to worry how I may act out. In the fight or flight response mine is always to flee.
I think you are right in a situation without PTSD the person would be an abusive asshole. Put Ptsd in the mix and he may be even more of one. Still it is no excuse. You need to have clear boundaries. It is no good for you to be walking a tight rope. That will hurt you.
I send you strength and compassion for this journey. Is your survivor in therapy? It may also be good for you to find some therapy to help you understand more.

Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[Chris-duck]

I'm a sufferer, so I don't know if what I can offer is relevant really. But I wouldn't want any of my supporters to put up with anything from me that they wouldn't put up with in another relationship to be honest.

 

[ILoveLife]

What @Chris-duck said.
The line of what you should put up with is up to you to decide.
I don't abuse no one, but don't want anyone with my crap on their shoulders either, no matter how much they want to help it always feels like they can't get it.

 

[Sighs]

For me personally, the line is waaaaay back over there behind me. These days I can barely see it. I'm the boiling frog. The abuse started slowly and increased slowly and now I'm so used to it that it takes someone else pointing it out for me to realise it. :oops:

 

[shimmerz]

simply tolerating abuse is

Chunking that post down a bit I am going to say that the PTSD'ers perspective doesn't matter when measuring this. Yours only because you are on the receiving end of it.

I am going to suggest that if the behaviour you are measuring isn't something you would be able to watch your mother/daughter/son/father go through then it is, in fact, simply tolerating abuse.

 

[Friday]

I just know that in a similar relationship dynamic with someone without PTSD, we wouldn't hesitate to say this person is a highly abusive asshole, plain and simple.

There you go. Right there.

So by this logic, it does seem like the diagnosis sort of justifies a lot of the behavior.

Nope. Not at all. It means you’ve been using it to excuse abusive behavior. Not that it IS excused by it, much less justified.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can the line move?

I mean as the sufferer heals and the reactions decrease, can the expectations increase?

I’m not saying that abuse should be tolerated.

Just kind of thinking out loud...