How much can we manage triggers?

[Nessa7]

The idea that we're entirely responsible for managing our triggers isn't one that I find to be all that helpful to me. For me, it's too simplistic and rigid. A lot of my triggers are things like your example with your friend. Managing those triggers for me are about establishing boundaries and holding people responsible for their behavior. Boundaries aren't something that you do by yourself.

 

[blackemerald1]

it's too simplistic and rigid.

Maybe the word 'boundaries' is not quite the right word. At least for me It does sort of imply some sort of barrier - physical - which I guess I can see in my head might be too rigid. But I also find there are boundaries or standards that just cannot be crossed no matter what. For example if someone tried to gaslight me or lied to me knowing it would cause me distress. I would not be able to ever accept that person as a truthful person again and highly likely I would avoid relying on that person's word and possibly I would dislike that person even. That is a very rigid stance but this is my self preservation that I need to think about. Other standards might be less obvious. Idk We all have standards don't we. Are these boundaries or something different?

triggers are things like your example with your friend.

But is that a trigger or a boundary that this friend crossed?

for me are about establishing boundaries and holding people responsible for their behavior.

Yes I'd agree if they knowingly cross or disregard a defined boundary. However do you tell everyone what might trigger you? What if one has multiple triggers and therefore many boundaries? Is it really reasonable to expect everyone to understand how triggers can adversely affect you or me? Are you meaning people in a close personal relationship situation or absolutely everybody? People generally have a lot of misconceptions about PTSD anyway. Isn't this a 'walking on egg shells' situation for everyone you interact with? I'm probably taking it to extreme's here. Idk.

Boundaries aren't something that you do by yourself.

But you know yourself better than anyone else does. You therefore know what boundaries are necessary and what follow through might be necessary if they are crossed. Where does this boundary setting become someone else's responsibility too. I don't understand this. Can you explain it further?

 

[Suzetig]

Boundaries aren't something that you do by yourself.

Boundaries tell us what we we’re able to offer others in relationship and what we’re prepared to accept from others, so my boundaries are very much something I “do” by myself. Those boundaries look different with different people in different situations but I still decide and if need be communicate them to other people.

I don’t think we’re meant to live in isolation so I don’t think recovery is a solo sport, but knowing what my triggers are, managing my response to those triggers and setting/maintaining boundaries are all my responsibility.

 

[Friday]

I just realized that the post above my responding to your post I compared it to diabetes. Thinking about it again, I can see what point you're making.

Exactly... it’s not about the thing itself being like PTSD or like being triggered; it’s the way I interact with others about those things, and the expectations I have, that are the same.

Like if I’m living in an apartment I expect my neighbors to be equally tolerant of my making noise (ie not at all) because I’m using my sports equipment, blasting my music, my kids are running around screaming, or I’m having a panic attack. No matter what the cause, that’s my life being loud, affecting their life. So when I rent apartments I either lease a space that is well insulated as to sound, or I make en effort to keep the noise down.

Conversely, I don’t give a good god damn what someone else’s opinion is in regards to things I do with my life / steps I take that aren’t what they do, and they don’t see the purpose of, think it’s a waste of time & money, think is an outright mistake, etc. because they’re not a parent, don’t need safety equipment, their stress doesn’t have a cup ;) et cetera. I don’t have to explain or justify choices that I’m making in my own life, because they’re best for me & my family... just because someone else doesn’t make those same choices in their life. And when those choices conflict? Mine “win” because they’re a high enough priority for me that I will take my kid and head home, or whatever the equivalent thing is. This? Whatever “this” is, is a choice I’m making about how I live my life. No, I’m not choosing to be triggered at a party, the same way I’m not choosing for my kid to spike a fever at a party. But I AM choosing to take us both home, no matter how many people disagree and want us to stay, and if they want to get forceful about It? I can get forceful right back. Other people don’t have to agree with my decision, because it’s not their choice to make. It’s mine. Yes, it affects them, but that doesn’t supersede the fact that this is MY kid, or my life. What I say? Goes. And, in this case, so do we.

So whether I’m asking someone to turn on the lights because I’m nightblind, get triggered by the dark, don’t want to step on a lego barefoot, or just simply like the lights on... the degree to which I’m willing to push the issue varies a whole lot, as does what I’m willing to do about it if they won’t turn the lights on. Or whatever. I’m the one who wants the light on. Or the music up. Or for them to move their car so we can go snowboarding. Or to be home by nap time. Or to order in rather than out. A million zillion things... where my life intersects with other people... and the common denominator is that it’s my life. My responsibility to go about living in the way I want to. Not theirs to cater to. I want it? I make it happen. One way or another.

 

[Nessa7]

Maybe the word 'boundaries' is not quite the right word. At least for me It does sort of imply some sort of barrier - physical - which I guess I can see in my head might be too rigid. But I also find there are boundaries or standards that just cannot be crossed no matter what.

It's the idea that we're entirely responsible for managing our triggers that I think is too rigid not boundaries. I think we actually agree about the stuff in this paragraph.

But is that a trigger or a boundary that this friend crossed?

Both. Something is a trigger because of how the PTSD part of my brain responds to it. It doesn't matter what that thing is.

Yes I'd agree if they knowingly cross or disregard a defined boundary. However do you tell everyone what might trigger you? What if one has multiple triggers and therefore many boundaries? Is it really reasonable to expect everyone to understand how triggers can adversely affect you or me? Are you meaning people in a close personal relationship situation or absolutely everybody? People generally have a lot of misconceptions about PTSD anyway. Isn't this a 'walking on egg shells' situation for everyone you interact with? I'm probably taking it to extreme's here. Idk.

I think we're framing the idea differently. To me, once an aspect of even just one trigger is unable to be entirely my responsibility the idea that it's entirely our responsibility stops being helpful to me. It doesn't mean that every trigger should involve other people. I don't find that absolute statements are that helpful to me when they involve my recovery.

I would say that there are some things that can be triggers that common-sense and empathy would say are things that people should not do. To use your example, gaslighting is bad. No one should need to specifically explain the degree that it would upset them for people to be expected not to do it.

My big example for me is that I'm triggered by people threatening to commit suicide to control others. I don't want people to think that I'm talking about people reaching out for help for depression. It's more like if someone were to say they were going to kill themselves to keep their partner that they have been abusing from leaving them. I don't need to tell people that it triggers me or about my PTSD for them to know that it isn't something they should be doing.

But you know yourself better than anyone else does. You therefore know what boundaries are necessary and what follow through might be necessary if they are crossed. Where does this boundary setting become someone else's responsibility too. I don't understand this. Can you explain it further?

I didn't say "boundary setting" was someone else's responsibility, so that question is difficult to answer. Boundary setting is only one part of the process of having boundaries. In that process, I think that everyone involved has responsibilities. Between communicating a boundary and following through if they're crossed, the other person has the responsibility to follow them. They should feel accountable for respecting that boundary. I should also feel accountable for respecting their boundaries. That part of that process is outside of our control, which I think is what makes this whole thing harder. If everything was entirely on me, I think it would be easier.

I think there are also some situations where the roles can get complicated. Some boundaries should be negotiated and involve compromise. Sometimes other people are needed to enforce a boundary or should feel a sense of duty to help. The example that comes to my mind first is boundaries that protect someone from their abuser. I think that there's a moral obligation to help keep people (especially your loved ones) safe, which makes it everyone's responsibility. Also, sometimes I don't put a boundary up in the right place. I've had boundaries that were outdated. I might have figured that out for myself eventually, but it would have taken me a lot longer if other people in my life hadn't felt a sense of responsibility when it comes to looking out for me and helping me.