Wife lashing out, after end of maternity leave

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

So i've been back and forth on whether I my wife is emotionally abusive, but at the moment we're kind of in new territory. We had a baby who is almost 4 months old now. When her maternity leave ended, and she had to go back to work she had/is having a lot of trouble adjusting. I certainly can undrestand how it would be difficult going back to a job she hates after being joined with our son at the hip for 3 months. Some days are better than others, today is a bad day. She is lashing out at me over things I have no control over. Telling me I'm trying to take her kids in some way, and how everyone else in her family got to be a stay at home mom for a couple years, and that it's my fault that she cant. Is true that she makes way more than I do, and I have been trying to find a better job so she can cut back her hours, but I cant make it happen over night. She's been saying that she has to make all the decisions, and innitiate everything we do. She's also been equating me with her abusive x husband, because she had to go back to work after having my stepdaughter with him. I'm really not explaining it very well, but she knows how to push my buttons, and I've been really triggered. I almost broke down right in front of her today when she was telling me things I did wrong washing dishes, and that she has to do everything. I feel bad about her having to work the way she does, but shes triggering me more than she ever has before.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, I remember your posts....This is emotional abuse. I understand that she’s having a hard time adjusting, but she CAN control the things she says to you.

She’s got paranoia. Is she in treatment?

 

[abbynormal1929]

Refuses counseling, and any other medical treatment. She got OB care when she was pregnant, but she doesn't have a primary care doctor. She doesn't trust anyone. Says she hates people. Our son, and my stepdaugher have doctors, but she refuses for herself. I go through scenarios in my head of what would happen if I left her, and I just don't know what would happen with my son. As cliche as it may sound, I'm in love with him.

 

[Friday]

Most of this is in New Parents Top3 Fights. (Who works / stays home / is doing more / isn’t doing what they want while the other doesn’t do anything except what they want & what they don’t do right). :confused: :mad: :banghead: :cry: :arghh; :inpain:

I have yet to meet parents with an under 6mo old who haven’t had ^^^ that fight ^^^ usually several times.

Sounds like both your pasts / trauma histories are kicking it up a notch by being unable to sit down and work out a solution for now, because both of you are half in the past & reacting to the other like you’re each ofher’s Abusers instead of partners?

 

[abbynormal1929]

Deffinitely possible, but it's been a lesser version of this since before we officially moved in together years ago. I feel like i'm terrified of her without her ever raising a single fist...

 

[EveHarrington]

Oh good lord. She hates people? Now there’s a partner everyone’s clamoring to be with! She sounds pretty miserable. Why do you stay?

 

[abbynormal1929]

I'd love to say it was just my son, but he's not even 4 months old. As weird as it may sound, I was scared of hurting her, and that she's been through so much trauma in her life already, and thinking everyone will hate me. That being said, I am quite concerned currently about what would happen with my son, and legal stuff. We're surrounded by her family, mine lives over an hour away. I don't want to lose my son.

 

[somerandomguy]

So, part of the reason men stay with abusive partners is because they are trying to be noble. We're trained to be the "bigger person," to take what life gives us, to think about others over ourselves, to never show hurt or even discomfort.

You are going to have to overcome a lifetime of being told what men should do and should be like. You are going to have to leave her. You are going to have to do what's right for you and your kid. You are not in a safe situation, and you need to leave. You can't do anything about your kid until YOU are safe.

 

[Fadeaway]

An infant means sleep deprivation, combine that with post pregnancy hormones; and yes, those can be more brutal than pregnancy hormones; then add in a the exhaustion of working and having to be away from her child when bonding hormones are raging especially if she was nursing, I would say zhs is behaving normally.

Sorry for the run on sentence.

 

[EveHarrington]

An infant means sleep deprivation, combine that with post pregnancy hormones; and yes, those can be mo...

But, but, but...

The OP has already posted about pre-baby emotional abuse.

She doesn’t get a free pass to be abusive any more that people with PTSD get a free pass to be abusive.

So, part of the reason men stay with abusive partners is because they are trying to be noble. We'r...

Word.

 

[Fadeaway]

I haven't seen the other posts. Since he didn't quote anything specific, just the topics, it sounds like valid venting. I guess it depends on how she went about it.

It is hard to express frustration over the way dishes are done to men. My experience is that there is no right way without causing a fight or hurt feelings.

The only thing I think is iffy Is comparing him to her ex but once again it is wording issue.

 

[BlueAquarius]

It sounds like she might have post partum depression and her hormones are still adjusting. That being said, it's still not right to abuse anyone despite all of that and if the situation is unsafe for the children and she refuses help, the only thing that you can do is leave and fight for the kids. You know more than we do about the dynamic at home.

Also it is not healthy to be walking on eggshells in a relationship, regardless of how the other person suffered. Most abusers were not born abusers, most were victims first.