How do i let go of the past? i'm i crazy for thinking there should be some universal justice?

[Deleted member 8714]

My T and I had some of this discussion on my last appointment: Have I sufficiently integrated my past into my life? I can't let go of my past. I can't separate it out from my life and set it on a shelf or hide it in a closet or discard it in the trash. It's part of me. :wtf::eek::wtf: Tough reality to bear and stomach at times.

Does my past bother me? Oh hell yes.
Does it bother me to need to integrate this into my life? Yep.
Have I struggled with integrating my past into my life? One thousand and more times.
Do I wish my bioFather would get arrested and go to prison? Ah huh. Yeah. Will it happen? Don't know. I think he'll be one of the serial killers the authorities never find, and he'll die of old age before he's ever arrested.

 

[TruthSeeker]

My T and I had some of this discussion on my last appointment: Have I sufficiently integrated my past...

I wish I were at a place where I could even have that conversation with my T! Way to go!

 

[MrMoonlight]

As a child I was taught rules. If you follow the rules, you will be a good person and people will like you and you will have a good life. This is basic values 101. I tried so very hard to follow them. I learned the basic 10 commandments..

I feel cheated and lied to if I were to be honest. I followed the rules too, like you I still do. I guess there is honor in that but but I'm more inclined to believe it gets a person nowhere in life. I'm trying to think of when being a good guy got me anywhere.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I feel cheated and lied to if I were to be honest. I followed the rules too, like you still do. I g...

So, I think I have my integrity and work constantly at it.......I think that honor and integrity are at the heart and soul of who we are. Those of us who cling to it.....will endure forever and become stronger for standing apart rather than staying sick to fit in. You may see others (whom you consider friends and family) who manipulate, lie, and feel entitled....and have the skills to pull it off (and I do too, I learned from them to survive and fit in).....appearing successful but they are fake and often empty inside. I was so empty and lonely when I lived with them. They have no honor, no integrity, shallow feelings, no empathy or real caring. They were there for themselves. My family members didn't feel secure and their relationships are shallow and easy come, easy go. They don't have what I need, they can't fulfill my needs, and can't love me unconditionally. So.....I walked....so terribly hard to walk away.

I now look for others with integrity to hang with....life is so much more peaceful, and my good friends (just a couple) help keep me on the right track...no games or manipulations to deal with, and these are friends for the long haul....better than my family ….and I can count on them.

I can't say I haven't done this...be less than honest or manipulate (you live it....you do it to survive) but then I felt guilty......and then told on myself (I'm so dumb this way)...ensuing fight to come, yadda yadda....Toxicity.

.....but I try not to let my need for being with someone, even if they are toxic, get in the way of how I act now...and it can be a lonely road to travel, but I'm never doubting whether I made the right choice and it does free up the amount of guilt and regret I carry..... being more honest and authentic. When I was living amuck the craziness, I just dissociated a lot and hid in the bed to blend in and tried not to lie (maybe a white lie here or there to keep a low profile and only in the end a few bold face lies in the midst of a divorce). In that environment, I made myself a no one...invisible. I used to think they made me a no one....no, the truth is I did....to protect myself from their uncaring behaviors.

This past year, I turned my back on my crazy hurtful family and regained some of my self-respect. It was and is hard...but I'm feeling better....but I do wish it could be different....I wish I could have been a part of them.....I wish they were a loving healthy family.....who communicated positive feelings and acted like I was someone special.........and I wish all of us were functional and a healthy family. Yeah...well....that's not happening. A wake up call with the message....move on.

 

[HeadSpace]

@NotMike Use the minimum energy to make a proportionate and calm statement about the injustice. Do not let the injustice wind you up. Stand your ground as best you can calmly and walk away with your conscience clear. Pick your battles, and let the aggression of unjust people and systems wash over you. Sometimes if your job is on the line be more careful. Know your stress limits. Know your priorities. Discuss with family and friends. In my case saying nothing, doing nothing I feel like a door mat, so I always make a statement but if I get too annoyed or disproportionate it never ends well. Injustice sucks. It happens all the time but you have to pick your battles.

 

[Friday]

I feel cheated and lied to if I were to be honest. I followed the rules too, like you I still do.

I teach my kid to

- look at why a rule exists (does it keep you safe? Make things easier? What’s its purpose?)
- decide whether or not you agree with them
- to understand them -ideally- before breaking them

Rules are extremely fluid things; that change from place to place, situation to situation, group to group, person to person. Just because someone has made them up, or a lot of people follow them, doesn’t mean that they’re good rules, which should be obeyed... although it’s always important to mind them / be aware of what they are. Ignorance of the law is nearly never a valid excuse. Whether you’re standing in someone else’s house, or before a king. Know the laws of the land, but make your own decisions.