VanVonNocturne
New Here
I promised a friend of mine that I'd drop this tonight and talk about it with her tomorrow, but she doesn't have C-PTSD, so she wouldn't experience the following situation like I am. -_-;
I am a maintenence man for a local grocery store near where I live. I work part time due to being on SSD, and I work 3 to 5 days a week, with shifts from 4 to 6 hours long. My duties include (but not limited to) bringing carts into the store, cleaning the bottle room (here in NY we can recycle cans and bottles to make some pocket change, for those who don't know what this is), emptying out the bottle machines, sometimes unclogging them if a bottle or can gets jammed, mopping up messes (including blood), cleaning out carts, helping customers with a variety of things, changing garbage cans, changing plastic bag bins, sweeping floors, and cleaning the customers bathroom. Often I'm alone on my shift, and I work the Night shift, which means that I'm in charge of bringing in all of the carts in from the parking lot (which can be a challenge in and of itself due to it being a hill) before my shift ends. I have a few challenges though; I have dissociative "brain fog" from my C-PTSD, chronic lower back pain, and a condition called plantar fasciitis. Despite all of this I manage to get my job done!
We have 4 managers, sometimes they're all there, most often only 1 of them are there while I'm working. One of them in particular-we'll call her KC, though it's not her actual name, I have a problem with. Out of the 11 months I've been working there she's been there for the past 5 months, however she's been working for the company for many years (managers are required to move around to different locations every so often).
Since she's been there she acts like she's out to get me, and I don't know why. KC is an older woman, but the way she speaks to me she acts like a snotty annoyed teenaged girl. For example; we have certain times that the trash compactor is unlocked for us to toss out our garbage from our respective departments, and the managers A) have the key, and B) they must be present while we use the compactor. I'll have 3 carts worth of garbage bags that must be thrown out, and it'll be the scheduled time for the compactor to be unlocked. I look for her, and ask her to unlock it when I find her. She'll look at me, tilt her head, and with an inceasing pitch in her voice ask "Do I look like I'm back there right now?", or "I can't go back there now. Come find me in 15 minutes. Just leave the garbage there for now." I'll ask her again in 15 minutes after I've brought some more carts in, and she'll sigh, roll her eyes, and say "Do I LOOK like I can unlock the compactor right now?! Go ask (manager name here) for their keys!". If KC is the only manager there, then the garbage usually sits by the compactor until either I can get it tossing it, or if my coworkers from another department have their own garbage to toss and they take care of it.
Another thing she does is she makes a big deal out of minor things. Example; if I'm working at Night during a week day, then my shift ends 1 hour before the store closes. I'm in charge of bringing all of the carts in from the parking lot, which can be difficult due to the parking lot being one big hill. We are required to bring 6 to 8 carts in at a time, and they like to go with the hill, so you have to have strong arms and hips to shift a long chain of the carts so they go UP the parking lot and into the store, and control them when they start to roll off to the side. By the time I'm done I usually have 5 minutes to run upstairs, punch out, get changed, and run to catch the last bus home (more often than not I have to walk due to sore feet). Since there are late Night shoppers, this means that there will be carts in the parking lot after my shift has ended-usually a couple. I don't have control over this, but KC doesn't seem to understand that. Once she grabbed me (not literally grabbed in the physical sense) as I was leaving to catch the bus, and immediately she pointed out 3 carts in the cart corrals that weren't there before. With an annoyed voice she asked "Where WERE you 15 minutes ago?". I told her I was bringing in carts. "No you weren't! I have been out here, I didn't see you! Bring those carts up here, and put them in the line by the bottle room now. You KNOW you're supposed to bring in ALL of the carts, how long have you worked here?". Another example is when she sees a small mess that I haven't found yet either because I just started my shift, or because it's within the first 30 minutes of my shift and I haven't been in that part of the store yet. She always brings these to my attention in a condescending way-"Why are those cigarette butts in the walk way?" yet I just came in, "Why is the bottle room a pig stye?" yet I've only been there for 15 minutes and there were 2 other maintenence people on before me and it's like I'm the one who is leaving a puddle of coke for the customers to slip in.
Final example; back in March we on Long Island had a weekly series of nor'easters, and I was scheduled to work outside one Night during one. The store was practically dead, but there were still carts in the parking lot. The wind was so strong that telephone poles were shaking, and the carts were getting blown everywhere! And there was a deep (free lake for the ducks deep!) puddle at the end of the parking lot, which I had to wade through to get some carts. It was raining one hour, then light hail the next, with some dry patches inbetween. I was out there with the company issued raincoat on, but my shirt sleeves were soaked, and my hands were getting numb from the cold. Just as I came in with a chain of carts KC was right there by the door. I went to walk over to the cleaning cart (about 50 feet away from the carts) to get some paper towels to dry my hands off and she stopped me. "What are you doing?!" she asked me before I could get the paper towels. Before I could tell her she interrupted me and snarked "I don't want to see you in this store again until you've brought in every single cart in from the parking lot!". I told her I was getting paper towels, but she cut me off again and added with an annoyed attitude "How many more carts can there be?! There's barely anyone here today! Get back outside!". Not only this, but I've often come into work to find no carts in the store, overflowing garbage cans, and the bottle room looking like a soda and garbage bomb had gone off with bags of shredded bottles on the floor-literally a disaster! Once I showed my job coach, she was so disgusted that she complained to the manager.
Just today KC gave me the "step up to par or you're fired" talk, and in front of my coworker too! But this isn't the first time she's treated me like this in front of someone. She has no problem with speaking to me like I'm a moron in front of my coworkers or customers. She does this to some of my other coworkers too, but for some reason I get the brunt of her attitude. I seriously have no effing clue why she would have a problem with my work! I've earned coupons as rewards; two for staying overtime on Easter when a coworker failed to show up, and one for finding a customers lost diamond from her wedding band! (she was recycling bottles and the machine tore the diamond right off her band. I had 30 minutes left before leaving, and I offered to stay longer so we could find her diamond. KC, the customer, and I were sifting through shredded bottle bits with gloves on to look for it. thankfully I found it on the floor in front of the machine.) I frequently ask for my work to be critiqued by my coworkers and the managers, all whom say I work hard and do a great job! Sometimes my job coach stays behind to watch me work without my knowledge, and even she says I bust my arse!
But, due to the issues I've mentioned in the beginning of my post, I'm not perfect. I become symptomatic around dusk, in terms of the flash backs and the dissociation. For the last hour of my shift I feel like I'm in a thick fog, dwelling on the abuse and neglect I had suffered through as a little boy. When this happens I can feel my speed slowing down, and I talk/yell to myself loud enough for people to hear-and I've often caught customers staring at me in their cars as I walk past. When this happens sometimes I'm overwhelmed by an urge to chase down anyone that I'm angry at to knock them out, and though I get a huge energy burst from this, sometimes it gets to the point where I'm slamming the carts (holding them by the handle bar) up and down as I bring them into the store, and if I'm not careful I could snap at a coworker passing by me. (thankfully I have enough restraint and have never done this.) The second challenge is that my orthotic insoles for plantar fasciitis don't stay in place inside my work boots, and they slip into the toe of my boots.The heel pad presses on the sensitive part of my foot which causes (minor) pain, and therefore slows me down. I could fix this, but that would mean stopping every 30 minutes (unlace my boots, take feet out, slip insole back into place, stick feet back in boots, relace boots, have insole slip into toe area 5 minutes later...), and my job is fast paced, so that wouldn't work. This doesn't go without stating that I am obese. I weigh around 280 lbs, and my weight has been an issue due to an eating disorder I've had for a while. (that's a whole seperate issue...)
Here's what I don't understand. All 4 of my managers, and some of my coworkers, are aware that I have C-PTSD, and that it does have a minor effect on my work, even though I get the job done. I used to be able to listen to my iPod before KC was transfered, which helped A LOT! Even though the company does have a "no musikk" rule, the previous managers were laid back and didn't really enforce it as long as we weren't distracted from our jobs. Even so, I play Norwegian musikk on my phone's speaker and place it on top of the bottle machine while closing the bottle room, which is the only time I put musikk on-such a difference in my job peformance when I do! But I still follow this rule while I'm in the parking lot or in the store because it's a safety hazard. (if you've seen how most Long Islanders drive, you'll understand what I mean...) And I also need to be able to hear if they're calling me over the loud speakers for a spill or for customer assistance, or whatever else.
As far as how I handle KC; most of the time I bite my tounge, but I don't let her force me to take responsibility for another coworker's mistake. When I feel like I've had enough I do get passive aggressive by sighing and saying "okej..." or "...fine then....I'm going to take care of (job goes here)...". Once in a while I'll let her know I'm annoyed by saying "I'm taking care of (task here) now. I'll finish this in a few minutes and THEN I'll take care of (task goes here)." and I do it in the amount of time I told her I would. Though I swear sometimes my gut tells me that she's taking advantage of me when she asks me to do certain things that the overnight crew are supposed to do.
Without dragging this on much further, I'd like some advice. My job coach has spoken to managers (including KC) several times, and she doesn't seem to listen. I've considered going to human resources to complain, but I'm too afraid of loosing my job! (what I make helps me buy clothes and enough food to last me the month, and whatever else my SSD doesn't cover. also, Long Island is a very expensive place to live. most people who live here often move.) What could I do about KC, and how can I manage my dissociative symptoms while I'm at work?
Also-a big thanks to everyone who took the time to read my while post! =3:
I am a maintenence man for a local grocery store near where I live. I work part time due to being on SSD, and I work 3 to 5 days a week, with shifts from 4 to 6 hours long. My duties include (but not limited to) bringing carts into the store, cleaning the bottle room (here in NY we can recycle cans and bottles to make some pocket change, for those who don't know what this is), emptying out the bottle machines, sometimes unclogging them if a bottle or can gets jammed, mopping up messes (including blood), cleaning out carts, helping customers with a variety of things, changing garbage cans, changing plastic bag bins, sweeping floors, and cleaning the customers bathroom. Often I'm alone on my shift, and I work the Night shift, which means that I'm in charge of bringing in all of the carts in from the parking lot (which can be a challenge in and of itself due to it being a hill) before my shift ends. I have a few challenges though; I have dissociative "brain fog" from my C-PTSD, chronic lower back pain, and a condition called plantar fasciitis. Despite all of this I manage to get my job done!
We have 4 managers, sometimes they're all there, most often only 1 of them are there while I'm working. One of them in particular-we'll call her KC, though it's not her actual name, I have a problem with. Out of the 11 months I've been working there she's been there for the past 5 months, however she's been working for the company for many years (managers are required to move around to different locations every so often).
Since she's been there she acts like she's out to get me, and I don't know why. KC is an older woman, but the way she speaks to me she acts like a snotty annoyed teenaged girl. For example; we have certain times that the trash compactor is unlocked for us to toss out our garbage from our respective departments, and the managers A) have the key, and B) they must be present while we use the compactor. I'll have 3 carts worth of garbage bags that must be thrown out, and it'll be the scheduled time for the compactor to be unlocked. I look for her, and ask her to unlock it when I find her. She'll look at me, tilt her head, and with an inceasing pitch in her voice ask "Do I look like I'm back there right now?", or "I can't go back there now. Come find me in 15 minutes. Just leave the garbage there for now." I'll ask her again in 15 minutes after I've brought some more carts in, and she'll sigh, roll her eyes, and say "Do I LOOK like I can unlock the compactor right now?! Go ask (manager name here) for their keys!". If KC is the only manager there, then the garbage usually sits by the compactor until either I can get it tossing it, or if my coworkers from another department have their own garbage to toss and they take care of it.
Another thing she does is she makes a big deal out of minor things. Example; if I'm working at Night during a week day, then my shift ends 1 hour before the store closes. I'm in charge of bringing all of the carts in from the parking lot, which can be difficult due to the parking lot being one big hill. We are required to bring 6 to 8 carts in at a time, and they like to go with the hill, so you have to have strong arms and hips to shift a long chain of the carts so they go UP the parking lot and into the store, and control them when they start to roll off to the side. By the time I'm done I usually have 5 minutes to run upstairs, punch out, get changed, and run to catch the last bus home (more often than not I have to walk due to sore feet). Since there are late Night shoppers, this means that there will be carts in the parking lot after my shift has ended-usually a couple. I don't have control over this, but KC doesn't seem to understand that. Once she grabbed me (not literally grabbed in the physical sense) as I was leaving to catch the bus, and immediately she pointed out 3 carts in the cart corrals that weren't there before. With an annoyed voice she asked "Where WERE you 15 minutes ago?". I told her I was bringing in carts. "No you weren't! I have been out here, I didn't see you! Bring those carts up here, and put them in the line by the bottle room now. You KNOW you're supposed to bring in ALL of the carts, how long have you worked here?". Another example is when she sees a small mess that I haven't found yet either because I just started my shift, or because it's within the first 30 minutes of my shift and I haven't been in that part of the store yet. She always brings these to my attention in a condescending way-"Why are those cigarette butts in the walk way?" yet I just came in, "Why is the bottle room a pig stye?" yet I've only been there for 15 minutes and there were 2 other maintenence people on before me and it's like I'm the one who is leaving a puddle of coke for the customers to slip in.
Final example; back in March we on Long Island had a weekly series of nor'easters, and I was scheduled to work outside one Night during one. The store was practically dead, but there were still carts in the parking lot. The wind was so strong that telephone poles were shaking, and the carts were getting blown everywhere! And there was a deep (free lake for the ducks deep!) puddle at the end of the parking lot, which I had to wade through to get some carts. It was raining one hour, then light hail the next, with some dry patches inbetween. I was out there with the company issued raincoat on, but my shirt sleeves were soaked, and my hands were getting numb from the cold. Just as I came in with a chain of carts KC was right there by the door. I went to walk over to the cleaning cart (about 50 feet away from the carts) to get some paper towels to dry my hands off and she stopped me. "What are you doing?!" she asked me before I could get the paper towels. Before I could tell her she interrupted me and snarked "I don't want to see you in this store again until you've brought in every single cart in from the parking lot!". I told her I was getting paper towels, but she cut me off again and added with an annoyed attitude "How many more carts can there be?! There's barely anyone here today! Get back outside!". Not only this, but I've often come into work to find no carts in the store, overflowing garbage cans, and the bottle room looking like a soda and garbage bomb had gone off with bags of shredded bottles on the floor-literally a disaster! Once I showed my job coach, she was so disgusted that she complained to the manager.
Just today KC gave me the "step up to par or you're fired" talk, and in front of my coworker too! But this isn't the first time she's treated me like this in front of someone. She has no problem with speaking to me like I'm a moron in front of my coworkers or customers. She does this to some of my other coworkers too, but for some reason I get the brunt of her attitude. I seriously have no effing clue why she would have a problem with my work! I've earned coupons as rewards; two for staying overtime on Easter when a coworker failed to show up, and one for finding a customers lost diamond from her wedding band! (she was recycling bottles and the machine tore the diamond right off her band. I had 30 minutes left before leaving, and I offered to stay longer so we could find her diamond. KC, the customer, and I were sifting through shredded bottle bits with gloves on to look for it. thankfully I found it on the floor in front of the machine.) I frequently ask for my work to be critiqued by my coworkers and the managers, all whom say I work hard and do a great job! Sometimes my job coach stays behind to watch me work without my knowledge, and even she says I bust my arse!
But, due to the issues I've mentioned in the beginning of my post, I'm not perfect. I become symptomatic around dusk, in terms of the flash backs and the dissociation. For the last hour of my shift I feel like I'm in a thick fog, dwelling on the abuse and neglect I had suffered through as a little boy. When this happens I can feel my speed slowing down, and I talk/yell to myself loud enough for people to hear-and I've often caught customers staring at me in their cars as I walk past. When this happens sometimes I'm overwhelmed by an urge to chase down anyone that I'm angry at to knock them out, and though I get a huge energy burst from this, sometimes it gets to the point where I'm slamming the carts (holding them by the handle bar) up and down as I bring them into the store, and if I'm not careful I could snap at a coworker passing by me. (thankfully I have enough restraint and have never done this.) The second challenge is that my orthotic insoles for plantar fasciitis don't stay in place inside my work boots, and they slip into the toe of my boots.The heel pad presses on the sensitive part of my foot which causes (minor) pain, and therefore slows me down. I could fix this, but that would mean stopping every 30 minutes (unlace my boots, take feet out, slip insole back into place, stick feet back in boots, relace boots, have insole slip into toe area 5 minutes later...), and my job is fast paced, so that wouldn't work. This doesn't go without stating that I am obese. I weigh around 280 lbs, and my weight has been an issue due to an eating disorder I've had for a while. (that's a whole seperate issue...)
Here's what I don't understand. All 4 of my managers, and some of my coworkers, are aware that I have C-PTSD, and that it does have a minor effect on my work, even though I get the job done. I used to be able to listen to my iPod before KC was transfered, which helped A LOT! Even though the company does have a "no musikk" rule, the previous managers were laid back and didn't really enforce it as long as we weren't distracted from our jobs. Even so, I play Norwegian musikk on my phone's speaker and place it on top of the bottle machine while closing the bottle room, which is the only time I put musikk on-such a difference in my job peformance when I do! But I still follow this rule while I'm in the parking lot or in the store because it's a safety hazard. (if you've seen how most Long Islanders drive, you'll understand what I mean...) And I also need to be able to hear if they're calling me over the loud speakers for a spill or for customer assistance, or whatever else.
As far as how I handle KC; most of the time I bite my tounge, but I don't let her force me to take responsibility for another coworker's mistake. When I feel like I've had enough I do get passive aggressive by sighing and saying "okej..." or "...fine then....I'm going to take care of (job goes here)...". Once in a while I'll let her know I'm annoyed by saying "I'm taking care of (task here) now. I'll finish this in a few minutes and THEN I'll take care of (task goes here)." and I do it in the amount of time I told her I would. Though I swear sometimes my gut tells me that she's taking advantage of me when she asks me to do certain things that the overnight crew are supposed to do.
Without dragging this on much further, I'd like some advice. My job coach has spoken to managers (including KC) several times, and she doesn't seem to listen. I've considered going to human resources to complain, but I'm too afraid of loosing my job! (what I make helps me buy clothes and enough food to last me the month, and whatever else my SSD doesn't cover. also, Long Island is a very expensive place to live. most people who live here often move.) What could I do about KC, and how can I manage my dissociative symptoms while I'm at work?
Also-a big thanks to everyone who took the time to read my while post! =3:
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