Supporter I need someone to talk to

[DruDru:)]

I'm married to a veteran suffering from PTSD for a year now. I love him so much and I want to support and love him through this condition but I don't know how much more I can take.

Before we got married we were in a long distance relationship. During this time he was extremely possessive and controlling, always needing to know where I was and who I was with. At work I had to call him during breaks and after work and if let's say during those breaks he hears me talking to someone he would get very angry and yell at me and hang up on me. I would think of breaking it off with him because I didn't like how he was treating me but the he would be so kind and sweet and tell me things would be different once we got married and he was only liked this because almost every relationship he was in he got cheated on so I understood. I overlooked all this while we were dating cause I believed no body is perfect and once we were married he would see I'm a loyal person and wouldn't hurt him and he would be more comfortable.

So we got married and almost the first month things got much worse I found out the severity of his anger issues. If I disobeyed him he would jump on top on me and hold my head down on the bed he would pull my hair, trip me, threaten me and disrespect me in front of his 6 yr old son. He once threatened to call the police on me and tell them I was molesting him because I was tickling his son (he apologized for that later and said something happened to him as a child so he was being protective which I the understood and made my intentions clear and I would never hurt his son) that left me so broken i wanted to leave.

Anyways when we got married I moved to where he was which is 16hrs drive away from my family and everybody I knew. I'm not really allowed to go nowhere by myself not even the grocery store and the only way he will let me work is online. I am not allowed guy friends, and because he never really wants to socialize and meet people I can't meet female friends either, which makes me feel so lonely and isolated.

Anyways like I said he's diagnosed with PTSD he takes mood stabilizer which works for helping him not get violent but doesn't help with the emotional and psychological abuse he puts me through or his controlling behavior. I feel like I can't be myself with other people because he'll think I'm being "over friendly" as he puts it.

I don't want to abandon him because he has PTSD and maybe it's not his fault he's like this I believe in marriage and sticking in through the good and the bad but I don't know how to preserve my own sanity. I try to be supportive of him and be obedient for the most part but sometimes when I can't take it no more I just rebel or argue back which doesn't end well for me.

We fight constantly and I cry all the time practically every week. I am hopeful since the physical abuse stop (It's been about 3 or 4 months since he last hit me) that things will get better.I just don't know what to do anymore any advice would be helpful Thank you for taking the time to read all this I appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 46841]

I'm married to a veteran suffering from PTSD for a year now. I love him so much and I want to support...

Mama please u are valuable and u need support, choose wisely u need to be loved u are deserving

 

[Freida]

That's not ptsd. That's abuse. Big difference.

Please call a domestic violence hotline and read your post to them. If he has been physically violent before he will be again. Ptsd doesn't stop without a lot of hard work and therapy. Same with domestic violence. The two are not necessarily connected so he can't say he is being abusive just because of his ptsd .

Please call them. Let them help you

 

[Swift]

Hey, I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Whether your vet has PTSD or not, this is totally abusive.
PTSD doesn't make someone abusive, or controlling, or physically violent, or emotionally manipulative.
A lot of us here have PTSD, and have never abused anyone.
If I have one word it would be: run.
Please, please, please talk to someone with expertise, like a DV hotline, a support worker, anyone.
Please, please, please be safe.
And - don't worry about abandoning him - ,he wants you to excuse his awfulness because he evokes your sympathy.
You can't fix his PTSD. Even if you could, you won't be able to fix his abusiveness. Abuse is a choice.
Please get help.

 

[DruDru:)]

Thank you for your replies and your concerns, I have tried to leave before actually twice, once he caught me and he cried and said he doesn't want to be this person and he wants to change. In the beginning of our marriage he was going to therapy alot and then we moved and he goes less and less now (maybe once a month)I'm realizing he only went to help get his disability checks. I ask him why he doesn't go as much anymore he says he doesn't think it helps. I've suggested he go to anger management he says been there done that doesn't work. We are both bible believers (which is what originally attracted me to him)and he frequently uses the bible to justify his controlling behavior, he says as the man of the house he has to be in control and my job as the women I have to be obedient to her husband, which is true but I explained to him he's supposed to love me like Jesus Christ loves me but I feel he doesn't take that part seriously or the part where he has to honor and respect me. I'm going to purpose we go to couple's therapy together, I've read stories of men like my husband who went and it it changed them, I'm hopeful that will be the same in my case. I don't know what I will do if he doesn't go, I've promised myself to leave for good if he puts his hands on me again. Leaving would be so much easier if I had family or friends I can run too.

 

[DruDru:)]

Another reason I afraid to leave is because I don't want him to hurt himself. He said if I left him he would go insane and I'm just afraid he'll commit suicide, he's told me he has suicidal thoughts. That scares me so much I couldn't take it if he ended up hurting himself because I decided to leave. Every life is precious to me and I know the person he can be I see it when he's good, I just wish he can be that person all the time. Thanks again for listening

 

[Freida]

He said if I left him he would go insane and I'm just afraid he'll commit suicide, he's told me he has suicidal thoughts.

This is classic abuser behavior. Leave me and I'll kill myself. So you end up staying in a dangerous abusive relationship that steals your entire life rather than saving yourself. That's not love. That's guilt

I know the person he can be I see it when he's good,

Read through some of the supporter threads --- you will see a lot of examples of people staying because once in a while the sufferer "is good." We can't be good without therapy. We cant be good unless we are willing to do the work. Good means that we are willing to get help so that we don't negatively affect the people in our lives.

You can't fight this battle for him. You can't want it more for him that he does.
It's perfectly acceptable to tell him that you are going to leave and not return until he has shown you that he is willing to do that work. Because he can't change until he does.

 

[EveHarrington]

So he refuses to get help and then puts the blame on you if he tries to kill himself?

He’s not your responsibility.

Please get out now.

When you leave, call the cops, call the VA, call his family and tell them all that he’s actively threatening suicide. This is the extent to which you can help him. Beyond that, he’s got to help himself.

Edit: Rather, I should say AFTER you leave, make those calls.

 

[FragileGlass]

You and your son first. Everything else is secondary. You need to get out and force all hands that protect you and your son. Just as @EveHarrington said - involve police, VA, family members - after you’ve gotten out. PTSD is one thing - Abuse is another. You are in DANGER. I can not stress that enough.

 

[DruDru:)]

When I saw him take his medication I thought it was him trying to help himself because when we were dating and in a long distance relationship he wouldn't take it, but he sw how his behavior was affecting me and he said he doesn't like to be violent or like to be angry, so he started taking the medication. I was happy he was in therapy and I thought at least he's trying to get better but now I think he's given up on therapy. I just discovered this forum yesterday and I'm so glad I am able to connect with others going through the same thing as me because I've felt so alone and feel I can't talk to my friends back home or my family. I want him to connect with other PTSD sufferers here just for him to talk to people that understand, but I don't want him to know I've told what's going on or he'll make me stop coming here. I've read the post here from others going through far worst then mw makes me think maybe I have it better but the thought of going through this for 5+ yrs as some here has experienced makes me depressed, I want kids eventually but the thought of bringing a child in a relationship like this terrifies me so I'm avoiding pregnancy as much as I can. I have thought of calling the VA or the cops if I leave but I have nightmares of them not reaching him on time or they call me saying he's dead I just couldn't bare it. I know I look stupid for staying especially to my family and maybe to some of you here but I'm trying not to give up on him like he says everybody else has especially his own family who he says doesn't seem to understand PTSD or mental illnesses. Thank you again for the support

You and your son first. Everything else is secondary. You need to get out and force all hands that...

He's my stepson and a wonderful father to him, but I feel he keeps me at arms length from his son told me alot of time that that's his son not mines. He undermines me in front of his son calls me weird and crazy when he upsets me and his son ask him what's wrong with me. I want to be a good stepmom but I feel he makes it difficult for me

 

[FragileGlass]

All the more reason for you to protect yourself first. Just because you leave someone doesn’t mean you can’t be part of a recovery process in the future or that you’re not a loving caring person. You’re just forcing the hand that may affect change in your partners behaviour while protecting yourself. If he chooses not to change. At least you are now safe emotionally and physically.

 

[AzulSerenade]

Dear DruDru,
first of all: no one here thinks your stupid. Your feelings are completly understandable. I know you want to stay with him and be loyal and to believe that he will get better. But this only works if the person actually wants to get better and actively works on it. And from what you're describing to us, it doesn't sound like he wants to change at all. I'm afraid I'll have to agree with the others: Your husband is an abuser. You need to try to see past your love and think about whats good for you. If you aren't well, you can never help him. If you stay with him when he is like this, you will never be well again. Please think of your own security first. My best friend is a pastor. When I tried to figure out how to deal with situations like this, he told me that one of the hardest things accept in life, especially as a religous and caring person is to see, that you cannot save everyone. That doesn't mean that there is no possibilty for the person to find salvation in him/herself, but you cannot do this for others. Please contact a womens shelter or get some other form of help to get out. Once you are away from him for a longer time and possibly start therapy yourself you will see more clearly what is happening. Please be safe. Best of Luck.
-Azul