Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Ugh. Can I say I dislike your father? I really do.

Yeah, I’m not really sure I’ve known anyone who liked him. Including his own father. Except his friend Rob, who he tried to make gay. But even the pedophile didn’t like him, and they were supposedly friends with a lot of common interests.

Pretty sure pedo only talked to him to gather proof that white people suck, but yeah, that white guy sucks. Lol

He still would suck if his skin were any other shade, or if he had blue eyes, or if he had light air. He’s the one who should be questioning if he’s human, not me

I was a bit surprised to see you say that, though, because this is hardly one of the worst things he’s done. And it was pretty regular so I was kind of used to it. But I suppose that was pretty nasty of him.

A lot of toys I was afraid of anyway. If it made noise, it was scary. That still affects me, but my nephew is helping me get over it. My dad didn’t like us making noise, so. Really screwed me over in a marching band once. Couldn’t strike the base drum.

The other toys I got so attached to that I still have them, unless they were given away or lost. But I haven’t forgotten a single one of them and it really bothers me. I’m getting over it though.

I'm resting, I promise.

Yay! :) :) :)

Organizing my environment gives me at least a sense of control over what is happening.

That’s awesome. I feel that way too. There’s a thing from somewhere in Asia (I have no idea where, I thought China but I couldn’t find it when I tried to look it up) about keeping a space just empty enough to let energy pass through without getting stuck anywhere, such as in corners or under the bed. Following that once I learned it helped quite a bit

 

[littleoc]

I’m at work but I’m being bothered by my thoughts, mostly when I’m not being spoken to. People seem to like me fine, though.

First thing is that if people call me by my long version of my first name, all I can see is my dad calling for me after he attacked me (basically) for killing a hamster he liked. It wasn’t my fault. None of their deaths were my fault. It doesn’t help that my mom says he killed them, because he didn’t. But I was hiding and my twin brother lied and said he hadn’t seen me. My neighbor had me hide in his garage, then asked me if my dad had struck me. Then I ran off again and neighbor was worried I’d gone missing or something. Meanwhile my dad was calling for me. He suddenly sounded genuinely upset. I don’t remember why but I went to him, and he hugged me, and in the most sober tone I’d ever heard from him he said he was sorry, had overrracted, and knew it wasn’t my fault. And that he shouldn’t have gotten angry, but he was so sad to have a hamster gone. He loved her little face and how she’d hop when she wanted to be held.

Later he told my mom that he killed the hamster. Very mixed feelings about that.

Just now I’m thinking this was manipulation. If it was a secret and I had to start out by explaining that a hamster died, which DOES make me feel so sad even now, then I probably wouldn’t bring up that I tried to escape in a sort of public setting, for the third time. Not that my mom knows about any of them though.





The other thing is I really want to start another thread on this forum asking if I need a neurologist or a psychologist but I’m just terrified of people saying I’m insane. Which I am so I don’t know why it would bother me. I guess it’s another secret...?

I just keep thinking of those people who get so, so depressed that their brains shut down. Disconnects itself from several functions having to do with memory, feeling in one’s body, and emotional responses. They see their own reflection and think it’s not fully them anymore, and they literally think they are dead or someone has taken their organs, and no amount of logic can change their minds. Their brain shows up in scans as abnormally depressed.

I’m wondering if my brain is doing something like that but I’m too afraid to ask. I know something must be up or else that doctor wouldn’t have asked me if I felt I was born into the wrong gender, after seeing my brain. I’ve been having huge problems with this body. I don’t mean medical this time, although all the pain at 23 better go away soon so I can be a normal in-20-years person. I am fine with my reflection, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in disguise as a human. It’s really, really bothering me, and it’s exhausting to logic myself out of. Though I know I have human DNA or else my cuts wouldn’t heal. I really feel ridiculous with these thoughts. Absolutely ridiculous.

And yes, I’m not comfortable with my genitals but I wouldn’t be any more comfortable with a penis. Though at least smaller boobs would be nice, as back pain stinks.

I just want that to stop. I want to stop feeling like I’m not a person. I hate it. It’s so uncomfortable

 

[littleoc]

Um... nice day otherwise though. Stormy. Ironically I love storms

Service dog being on steroids is neat. She’s drinking so much water :)

 

[littleoc]

So here's a challenge -- go back though these last posts and mark each time you say "she"...."she wanted" "she needed" "she said" etc..

I looked for it. Dang, that's a lot of putting someone first who I really shouldn't have. I really cared about her though. I was worried about her. She wasn't okay. She still isn't. ... well, I don't know that. But it's not my disaster.

 

[Freida]

Just now I’m thinking this was manipulation.

Yep. Yep. and yep

forum asking if I need a neurologist or a psychologist but I’m just terrified of people saying I’m insane

Oh hunny - you are not insane. That's not even really a word. Think about it -- we all have "issues" in our brains that we need to work on because of what happened to us. Maybe the word to describe it is "ptsd" or "bi polar" or "depressed". It's just words to build a treatment plan off of. That depression thing you described sounds horrifying -- but it is still defined as a "word" that can be treated. "Insane" implies you are hopeless. And you, dear Littleoc, are anything but hopeless. Even if there is something wrong in your brain it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. I have a couple friends with massive brain injuries and that is one thing they have taught me. Their brain injury doesn't define who they are. They learned to work with it and went on to build lives that they are happy with. So even if something is going haywire in your head it wont define who you are anymore than having cancer or broken bones would. No matter what you are still littleoc.

I really feel ridiculous with these thoughts.

I don't think you sound ridiculous at all because these thoughts are really scary. And yep, you may need a step up in who is treating you - but that's ok. Its just a different type of treatment

But it's not my disaster.

Exactly! Not my circus, not my monkeys!:):)

 

[littleoc]

I csnt figure out how to respond, but thank you @Freida . That really means a lot

I don’t think I could possibly post about it in the forums though. I’m too confused and I really don’t like it. I don’t know if it’s a part or if I’m more “damaged” than I thought. I don’t even want to bring it up to a doctor. It’ll feel like Brandi won somehow. I don’t know what she’s winning though... she doesn’t even know me. Never did.

I’m glad you don’t think I’m insane though. :)




A series of coincidences today led me to saving a cat, and then hanging out with my friend who has PTSD. He’s very chill. We talked a lot about our family lives which was pretty fun and enlightening. I don’t feel like I need to hold back from randomly mentioning “oh yeah my dad killed someone, I don’t talk to him much” which is great because I’m bad at secrets with friends. Once I’m comfortable, anyway. No one knows about Fungus but you guys. But lots of people know about my dad. Sort of have to, to be honest. He’ll try to message my friends sometimes. Or work where I’m living. Got a call from the police department a couple of years ago, just them informing me formally that my father had tried to apply to work in the University cafeteria. I asked them if they were asking me to give him the news of him not getting the job.

I guess part of what was bothering me — and I really don’t mean to keep being negative — was that when Brandi and I had our last talk, she told me I was “disturbed.” First she called me a psychopath, to which I just thought that she was lashing out from feeling hurt. But “disturbed.” That’s more demeaning than usual. And she had no right to call me that. Not her. Not the person who wanted it to be real that badly.

I don’t want to agree that I’m disturbed, because it’s just so dismissive and.. well, stupid. Everyone’s “disturbed” by her definition probably. She’s disturbed. It just needs to stop bothering me. I just need time to get over it. I never want to have to tell anyone in person that I’m having problems like this. It’s ... I don’t even know. The worst, though

On the bright side, I can get through thoughts like this mostly without suicidal thoughts. I’m really proud of that

 

[littleoc]

I get really frustrated with my emotions because they don’t follow my lead. Logically I’m agreeing that I’m not “disturbed” in whatever demeaning way Brandi meant it, but emotionally I’m having a hard time keeping up. Which I flat out ignore most of the time. Or if I am emotional, I like to know and thoroughly understand why. I get the urge to allow myself to get a whiny kid, to talk about how I’m never going to get over this, but I can’t allow that because logically I know it isn’t true. So I won’t allow it, and I’m frustrated that my emotions won’t agree.

I know I’m not alone in that at all. I think I’ve seen everyone mention this to some degree, or some people give into it a little bit. (Which is probably a good thing.) But I wanted to say it anyway

 

[Freida]

I get really frustrated with my emotions because they don’t follow my lead.

OMG I just snorted coffee out of my nose! that is a beautiful description of all that encompasses ptsd!:):):laugh:

 

[MrMoonlight]

Sorry you are having a difficult time LOC. You aren't crazy for asking the tough questions it's what we do...authentic, introspective, intelligent, loving people with character and connection always work to understand themselves. You show those qualities every time you post here and are by questioning this. If you have questions that are important for you to explore getting a psychologist you trust could really help. Sure thinking of you. (you are far from insane, only sane people ask that particular question?)

 

[littleoc]

OMG I just snorted coffee out of my nose!

Thank you, I’m honored to have made you snort coffee! Hopefully snorting it wakes you up a lil faster ;)


@MrMoonlight Thank you. I remember that a well-trusted therapist really brought you relief on something that was really bothering you. It’s similar stuff... I really appreciate that

 

[ILoveLife]

but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in disguise as a human

I have this too.
It's a delusion, don't remember the name of it.
I don't think it's a question of insanity, everyone has delusions. So no worries.

T thinks it's due to dissociation. Dp / Dr.
So, a natural reaction to extreme stress from trauma.
:hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I have this too.
It's a delusion, don't remember the name of it.
I don't think it's a question of insani...

Whoa, I did not expect to not be alone on that. I guess when you’re a human there’s always someone like you?

That brought me quite a lot of relief. I guess extreme enough stress, the kind that causes dissociations, is a brain problem from the outside. That makes it seem less permanent somehow. I don’t know how much is ingrained from brain damage during abuse but I’m so sorry you understand personally, but also relieved to not be alone