Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

That makes it seem less permanent somehow

Yes, it's not permanent! I have a lot less of it now.
It's actually one of the reasons I have such huge problems of looking to myself in the mirror.
When I went psychotic after R there was a period when I couldn't "see" people as humans either, or with complex personalities and emotions, they kinda walked around in their meat suits. Then I turned it towards myself... And I think it was because I didn't feel as though I was a good person, if that makes sense. It can absolutely not be the same trigger for you.

The thing about these mental processes is that its very hard to distinguish what belongs where.
I urge you to read the literature from late 80s and early 90s on psychotic dissociation from Van der Hart et all.
The DSM often doesn't accompany the actual research on trauma, unfortunately.

 

[Still Standing]

It’ll feel like Brandi won somehow. I don’t know what she’s winning though... she doesn’t even know me. Never did.

littleloc, you HAVE won! You won the day you walked away from the person who was causing you so much hurt and pain...Brandi. Many of us have WON but our brains won't let us accept this fact. Most of us are still fighting to survive when we are actually on the other side of the "war". No thanks to you, PTSD. So, Brandi has nothing over you. She lost. You won.

 

[littleoc]

littleloc, you HAVE won! You won the day you walked away from the person who was causing you s...

Oh, dang

Actually, I can accept that. That sounds way more awesome than feeling like she’s still controlling me. If I were still with her, I wouldn’t be working on this at all.

Thank you

 

[littleoc]

I’m just recording something weird that happened. It’s not particularly important compared to the rest. (Did I just call my trauma important? lol.. maybe that’s not quite the right word.)

I was... um, I think I was at work...? On the second floor? Or maybe I was downstairs? That’s weird, happened like an hour ago. Hm. Anyway, I was somewhere presumably here and I heard a little chirp thing. It sounded exactly like my dad’s weather radio, and I suddenly remembered it clearly. The kitchen was a mess but less so than it is now, and my dad had wires EVERYWHERE and some were leading to this weather radio thing. It would chirp when something bad, weather wise, was about to happen. Then he’d get anxious and start looking out the windows at the sky. He almost wanted the weather to get “exciting.”

I totally get that. I love storms. I get afraid if they look dangerous on my radar but otherwise I have solid stacks of evidence that it’s good

He wouldn’t provide any comfort on days when tornadoes were passing through. He’d tell us that it was going to destroy the foundation and kill us. Rude

 

[littleoc]

She’s having a hard time because of her steroid she’s on, but I’m happy she’s going to live and it looks like she is too

 

[littleoc]

If I had a kitty pic to share I would, but Neste’s kitty is two hours ago at the moment

 

[Still Standing]

Love your pooch!! She is big enough to really wrap your arms around! Black and white dogs rock! My little pooch is black with a white striped chest and two white-socked back feet. If I were to wrap my arms around him it would be like trying to hug a tube of bologna!! I am glad your faithful K9 is getting better. She looks so sweet.

 

[ILoveLife]

She's so beautiful!!!!

 

[somerandomguy]

Oh my god, your dog is soooo cute!!!!

 

[LuckiLee]

So cute. Looks like she's smiling. :)

 

[ladee]

Ohhh she is so beautiful.. love her eyes... how do you ever tell her NO with those eyes !!!

 

[littleoc]

Thank you!!!


Lol, yeah @ladee , she never gets a no...
@Still Standing , haha, yes! She’s about 65 pounds (30 kg? ish). She’s perfect for the deep pressure stuff when she leans on me, and just big enough for giving hugs in the most serious working-way possible, lol

I joke with everyone that my next service dog is going to be ugly, because she gets a lot of attention. But she and I have the same personality, so secretly we both really appreciate people complimenting her. Some people are weird about it and will insist on touching her while she’s working. She’s not scary so a lot of people won’t realize she’s doing a cover me or something. I’m generally extremely forgiving though. Unless the person is clearly not listening when I explain why they can’t touch. :)

She’s saved my life several times in a few different ways so I think she’s an angel. I never want her to retire, or get any older. She’s currently eight though, so I’d say she’s got a few more years! I’m positive at this point I won’t have a service dog to take her place in time, assuming I retire her at 10 years. (I don’t want to work her to death.) We’ll see though! It’ll be hard to fill N’s lil work boots