Poll Does one partner want sex more than the other (in your relationship)?

[Sandstone]

There is no option for "I don't know". I have no idea if we are actually matched, or if my husband is putting me first.

 

[Mach123]

Your interpritation might be using it as controll or a reward or punishment, but that just shows you a...

You couldn't be more wrong. That's fine though? This is how I wanted it. I hope people reply? I've covered this in great detail elsewhere? Your "interpritation" that I might be using it as "controll" lacks depth and needs a more "indepth" reply, but I'm the wrong person to make it? I appreciate your input however, and you'll just have to trust me when I tell you "I'm not just looking through a man's eyes and thinking sexual desire works the same for men as it does for women."

 

[somerandomguy]

thinking sexual desire works the same for men as it does for women. We see sex as very different.

Us men need a detailed explanation, please.

 

[Mach123]

There is no option for "I don't know". I have no idea if we are actually matched, or if my husband i...

I will look and see if I am able to edit the poll I'd be happy to add that as a choice. : )

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have always had a high sex drive, and my first fiance said he wanting to make love every night, and I agreed. I don't think he believed it at first. When I actually married someone else, I told him the same thing. He agreed, but he lied. I expected to go to bed, make love and go to sleep at night. Not that boring but you get the jist. My husband was submissive to the point that he only approached me once. Once. In 10 years of marriage. He told me later that he told himself that he would never ask me again since I said no ONCE. This was 6 weeks after having a very brutal delivery of a really broad shouldered boy. He liked to act like a little kid during foreplay, which put me off since I was a survivor of CSA. At the time I didn't know why except that it made me want to throw up.

 

[Skywatcher]

I think that the truth of the matter is that sex drives go through phases of being matched and unmatched and if you are going to stay married it needs to be based on so much more.

 

[DharmaGirl]

That's true, but when it's always bad, it casts a really big shadow over the whole thing. As I said before, if the rest of the marriage was good, I would have worked with it but he wouldn't hold a job, or work around the house. He would go out all night with his friends and then be too tired to do the fun things like hiking and camping and kayaking like we used to do before the baby.

 

[Friday]

Thanks @somerandomguy & @Mach123 for answering that

Okay, so two different scenarios, one recovering from being affected by years of sexual trauma & changing rules in the marriage & it’s a process coming back from that as you two are reconciling ... the other sexually exploitative at best, sexually abusive at worst.

Neither seems exactly linked to having a lower libido? Like it’s not a high sex drive that makes someone cheat, or sexually assault someone... most people with low sex drives probably aren’t withholding sex to punish, manipulate, exploit, or abuse.

Both our wives abuse us with the "exact same language."

It’s your wife abusive in other ways, too?

 

[somerandomguy]

I often describe myself as a high-libido person with a low-libido brain. I never really had a chance to experience much sex with a willing partner because I stupidly married the very first person I had sex with, who first unilaterally ended our sex lives and went on to sexually, physically, and emotionally abuse me.

That set me up to be sexually frustrated for the rest of my life, it seems. I'm trying to work on it, but it's difficult when either I'm too traumatized to have sex or my poor wife (different wife! Not the abusive one!) is too angry to have sex. I don't know if we'll ever get on the same page - or when we do it will just be because we will be old and withered and both of our sex drives will be zero anyway.

 

[Mach123]

Thanks @somerandomguy & @Mach123 for answering that

Okay, so two...

No more than I ask or allow her to be? lol! It's positional is what I'm really driving at. It's a long discussion and we've been married a long time? We are both from abusive backgrounds. It's just a big picture way of looking at sexual dynamics between couples. I'm her bitch in the vernacular. : )

 

[Hooper]

I think that the truth of the matter is that sex drives go through phases of being matched and unmatched and if you are going to stay married it needs to be based on so much more.

I agree completely with the above. My favorite phase is the beginning of a relationship when sex and desire are high on both sides. After a while both partners revert to their norm. Does one partner want sex more? I'm sure there are some equally matched people but for the most part everyone does. What I find comical is anytime marriage problems are mentioned everyone says marriage is compromise. That is until it comes to sex. When sex is in the discussion lets throw out compromise. In the beginning with my wife it was daily multiple times a day. She's the one that changed but I stayed the same. With her rape history I just sadly went with the phase she was in hoping it didn't worsen.

One day I got to thinking about it when she was good with once a week and I was still an every day type which I know is not reasonable but the facts remained. My wife wanted to have sex once a day and she wanted to not have sex 6 days a week. She's not malicious but she did get what she wanted 7 days a week. As for myself I got what I wanted 1 day a week except for the fact that I had to initiate every time. We finally compromised on roughly every other day. I say roughly because we skip on my days but I can count on one hand the times we had sex 2 days in a row. It really is demoralizing knowing if I want to please my wife sexually a good start is not having sex. Again I'm not the one who changed. I was always the same.

Whoever said the low desire partner is in control I completely agree with. To be told sex is like a chore is a gut punch. I want who I have in a spouse and I have who I want. My wife asked me one time if I wanted her to just drop another daily responsibility for me and my answer was quite simply yes. If there is enough time in a day for 2 hours of tv or reading then by all means I would like to fit somewhere north of watching a damn tv show. I've read other posts about letting the low drive spouse not feel obligated but I completely disagree. I vowed to only have sex with 1 person. I don't cheat. When we married we were at 5 days a week. When your spouse has a monopoly on when you receive sex and they drop it 80% a compromise is in order. This is definitely one of my posts I'm going to get skewered over but post compromise/marriage counseling we have met in the middle and our marriage has improved. Men and women may view sex differently but if you think sex is just sex to many men you are sorely mistaken. The closeness and connection obtained through sex is just that. It comes from having sex with who we chose to spend the rest of our lives with.
hooper

 

[Mach123]

Yes, my first trauma therapist (a woman) said "you are a man and sex means love to you and this is perfectly ok." I couldn't believe want I was hearing! We work it out but it's positional. I said everything over the years I'm not one to hold it in. My wife has rational moments and she'll admit it. The first real progress I made was being easy with her but insisting she couldn't treat me like another responsibility or chore because what if told her I felt like that about having sex with her? It's being dominant from the bottom. It means she's in charge. I just calmly kept showing her that and laughing when she was "beating on me." (It's not just sex) It takes two the other partner is not "uninvolved " but I looked and saw I was making her that way too. I was demanding about sex. I would let her see me being "impatient" lol.