Stephernovas
MyPTSD Pro
I lost my sh*t in session today. Quite literally lost my mind. What happened you ask? Let me give you a bit of history..
My therapist works out of an office where there are many therapists, so, they have a number of people at the front working reception. Now, I'm a rather personable individual (or I generally was before the accident) and truly enjoy interacting and making friends with people who are likely to be dismissed or neglected for all they do in booking appts, sending faxes, and making sure the well oiled machine of the office runs. First reason is, I like to put people first and respect everyone. Second, when you are personable with others they are more likely to say 'yes' to you in a time of need.
So there are a few newer staff at the front, and the woman who I usually engage with has been off until today. In the past (during winter where sometimes it's so cold it's 40 below, I'm forced to wait outside my therapist's office building. My appointment is scheduled for 9a, but they do not open until 9a. I like to be a few minutes early for my sessions (especially when I was getting taxi there, as the taxi often messed up times so I'd rather be early than late). Sometimes when staff would arrive, I would slip in the door with them and hang out at the front (where I usually did - aside from when my anxiety was really bad for a few weeks, then I'm pace the halls and avoid populated areas aka. the front door area/waiting room) and wait for my appointment. Not to mention, my therapist would often be 10-15m late, so I didn't feel like waiting outside or around the bustle of others until whenever they decided to open the front door. The usually workers were fine with this, as they could attest to my character. However, one staff member (office manager's assistant) had a huge issue with it. One time I was pacing the halls and she asked if she could help me. I said 'no', and kept casually strolling the halls and calming myself down. I could tell she didn't like it as she scoffed and I walked near the front and heard her complaining to other workers about it - she had the office manager bring it up to me, but I told her my anxiety was high and I was uncomfortable. She understood and told me that she informed her assistant that due to my accident it hurt to sit so I couldn't wait in the waiting room and it was better for me to walk.
There was also another morning when it was freezing out again, and there were staff (yes, the assistant was there) inside, but they kept the door locked. When another staff member arrived at the same time as me, another staff member opened the door for her colleague and I walked in behind her. Again, I went up to the front area and sat down as I normally did. On my way up I heard the assistant ask if I came in as well. I didn't say anything, but I was severely upset.
I've had a general dislike of this woman since that day, but I just keep my distance. Well, until today. So, the other day workers comp sent me a huge list of things they stated I failed to submit (and thusly it was going to impact the deposit of my bi-weekly benefits) even though I'd sent it in about 4 times already in various formats - they were effectively bullying me. I already have an exceptionally hard time being on the phone or receiving phone calls from them, so upon receiving this, I thought it would be a good idea to attend my therapy office (in case I panicked or needed information from them). There were two new receptionists and one offered to help me read through the letter. I tried to explain what was going on, but I already started getting light headed and tearing up. An assessment coordinator who had been at the front desk for many years (who I chat with often) asked me if I'd like to go into a room for some privacy. I spun around and slipped into the office manager's office (I also chat with her before my appts sometimes). I did nothing but try to calm myself down, and when I felt a little better, I tried to make a few calls and figure out this worker's comp mess. The assessment coordinator came in to check on me, and ask if there was anything I needed. She stated she was going for lunch, and to take my time. Then she shut the door. I exited the room (after leaving all my stuff on the desk), and asked the receptionist if she could tell me what the document was asking, so I could make sure I was gathering it all for workers comp (again). There was a tax document I needed to print, so I asked if it was possible for them to print it for me. They agreed, but I had to sign in online, and was invited behind their desk to enter my username and password. Sure enough, the assistant office manager was watching this, and when I returned back to the office, I shut the door (following suit of the previous staff member). Personally I didn't care if it was open or closed, I was upset and thankful they were giving me a quiet space. A few minutes later, the assistant manager came in and said they just needed to leave the door open. I said, sure, whatever. A short while later, I calmed down enough to thank them for their help/support and left the office.
THEN, today, in my session, at the end, my therapist brings up the fact that I should not be going behind the receptionist's desk for confidentiality reasons and etc. She continued to tell me that I should only be attending her office on days I have appointments (which, therapeutically to help me develop my own social support that was a fair comment). I f*cking lost my mind. I asked her who complained, and she said she had been told by a few ppl that I had stopped by (on days I didn't have appts - the only other time I 'stopped by' was when I was trying to do exposure therapy (since my trauma was a car crash), and instead of calling in to change and appt, I drove to the office and did it in person. I then informed her I have never gone behind or into anyone's desk/office without being invited. I felt like I was a child being scolded for something that wasn't my fault. All I did was follow the direction of their staff. And honestly, I don't know why it's so terrible that I accessed them as a support to help me decipher a worker's comp letter. I mean yes, I could ask a friend for help, but the majority of my friends don't know how to handle panic attacks and I really didn't feel like being isolated further by having them look at me funny. I am usually extremely independent and refuse to let anyone in. It got so bad this week that I contemplated taking a bottle of pills. That's the farthest I've ever planned to die. So, I thought it would be best to try different things and attend a place where I know I'd get support. Through all of this, I stopped talking and shut down hard. I was so livid that I burst into tears calling them all 'stupid motherf*ckers' as I tried to explain to her why I've even been around a bit more outside of my session lately. My breathing got funny as though I was going to panic, and my therapist tried talking to me to help me practice deep breathing but I yelled at her to stop talking. She didn't stop. I told her to stop f*cking talking. She kept talking. She told me we needed to do deep breathing and I said, "I CAN F*CKING DO IT". I told her I didn't want to see her face again. She informed me I could cancel my sessions if that's what I wanted to do, and I replied that I was really f*cking mad right now. To be honest I don't even know what I'm going to do now..
Needless to say this was a beyond an extremely huge trigger for me, but I am also appalled at how she, and her office handled everything. It made me feel as though I was some delinquent causing trouble in their office, meanwhile I was simply doing my best to work on my recovery. Before my accident, I was a working professional as a social worker in the field and anyone who knows me (as another therapist does) has said before she can attest to my character (when I complained to her about the assistant manager bothering me about pacing the halls with my anxiety). I mean, I freaking know and respect confidentiality. There has never been an actual 'issue' aside from this assistant manager not liking me, apparently.
Anyways, in saying all of this, I'm not sure what to do. I've shared this story with two friends who are urging me to bring this to the attention of management (owners of the practice) and complain about the assistant manger. I am open to hearing your thoughts on what you'd do if you were in my shoes. I mean, I really like my therapist, but I was truly off-put when she came at me with the whole confidentiality thing. Not cool. I clarified that I had been INVITED back there. I'd NEVER do that alone, or have done anything to suggest that I'd be likely to snoop or anything. I'm curious about what you all think about this. Would you complain to management about this? Or do you think there's validity in them bringing it up to me the way they did? Please be polite as this is a big trigger, but I want to make sure I am not responding irrationally (as my poor therapist got my emotionally charged response already today lol)
My therapist works out of an office where there are many therapists, so, they have a number of people at the front working reception. Now, I'm a rather personable individual (or I generally was before the accident) and truly enjoy interacting and making friends with people who are likely to be dismissed or neglected for all they do in booking appts, sending faxes, and making sure the well oiled machine of the office runs. First reason is, I like to put people first and respect everyone. Second, when you are personable with others they are more likely to say 'yes' to you in a time of need.
So there are a few newer staff at the front, and the woman who I usually engage with has been off until today. In the past (during winter where sometimes it's so cold it's 40 below, I'm forced to wait outside my therapist's office building. My appointment is scheduled for 9a, but they do not open until 9a. I like to be a few minutes early for my sessions (especially when I was getting taxi there, as the taxi often messed up times so I'd rather be early than late). Sometimes when staff would arrive, I would slip in the door with them and hang out at the front (where I usually did - aside from when my anxiety was really bad for a few weeks, then I'm pace the halls and avoid populated areas aka. the front door area/waiting room) and wait for my appointment. Not to mention, my therapist would often be 10-15m late, so I didn't feel like waiting outside or around the bustle of others until whenever they decided to open the front door. The usually workers were fine with this, as they could attest to my character. However, one staff member (office manager's assistant) had a huge issue with it. One time I was pacing the halls and she asked if she could help me. I said 'no', and kept casually strolling the halls and calming myself down. I could tell she didn't like it as she scoffed and I walked near the front and heard her complaining to other workers about it - she had the office manager bring it up to me, but I told her my anxiety was high and I was uncomfortable. She understood and told me that she informed her assistant that due to my accident it hurt to sit so I couldn't wait in the waiting room and it was better for me to walk.
There was also another morning when it was freezing out again, and there were staff (yes, the assistant was there) inside, but they kept the door locked. When another staff member arrived at the same time as me, another staff member opened the door for her colleague and I walked in behind her. Again, I went up to the front area and sat down as I normally did. On my way up I heard the assistant ask if I came in as well. I didn't say anything, but I was severely upset.
I've had a general dislike of this woman since that day, but I just keep my distance. Well, until today. So, the other day workers comp sent me a huge list of things they stated I failed to submit (and thusly it was going to impact the deposit of my bi-weekly benefits) even though I'd sent it in about 4 times already in various formats - they were effectively bullying me. I already have an exceptionally hard time being on the phone or receiving phone calls from them, so upon receiving this, I thought it would be a good idea to attend my therapy office (in case I panicked or needed information from them). There were two new receptionists and one offered to help me read through the letter. I tried to explain what was going on, but I already started getting light headed and tearing up. An assessment coordinator who had been at the front desk for many years (who I chat with often) asked me if I'd like to go into a room for some privacy. I spun around and slipped into the office manager's office (I also chat with her before my appts sometimes). I did nothing but try to calm myself down, and when I felt a little better, I tried to make a few calls and figure out this worker's comp mess. The assessment coordinator came in to check on me, and ask if there was anything I needed. She stated she was going for lunch, and to take my time. Then she shut the door. I exited the room (after leaving all my stuff on the desk), and asked the receptionist if she could tell me what the document was asking, so I could make sure I was gathering it all for workers comp (again). There was a tax document I needed to print, so I asked if it was possible for them to print it for me. They agreed, but I had to sign in online, and was invited behind their desk to enter my username and password. Sure enough, the assistant office manager was watching this, and when I returned back to the office, I shut the door (following suit of the previous staff member). Personally I didn't care if it was open or closed, I was upset and thankful they were giving me a quiet space. A few minutes later, the assistant manager came in and said they just needed to leave the door open. I said, sure, whatever. A short while later, I calmed down enough to thank them for their help/support and left the office.
THEN, today, in my session, at the end, my therapist brings up the fact that I should not be going behind the receptionist's desk for confidentiality reasons and etc. She continued to tell me that I should only be attending her office on days I have appointments (which, therapeutically to help me develop my own social support that was a fair comment). I f*cking lost my mind. I asked her who complained, and she said she had been told by a few ppl that I had stopped by (on days I didn't have appts - the only other time I 'stopped by' was when I was trying to do exposure therapy (since my trauma was a car crash), and instead of calling in to change and appt, I drove to the office and did it in person. I then informed her I have never gone behind or into anyone's desk/office without being invited. I felt like I was a child being scolded for something that wasn't my fault. All I did was follow the direction of their staff. And honestly, I don't know why it's so terrible that I accessed them as a support to help me decipher a worker's comp letter. I mean yes, I could ask a friend for help, but the majority of my friends don't know how to handle panic attacks and I really didn't feel like being isolated further by having them look at me funny. I am usually extremely independent and refuse to let anyone in. It got so bad this week that I contemplated taking a bottle of pills. That's the farthest I've ever planned to die. So, I thought it would be best to try different things and attend a place where I know I'd get support. Through all of this, I stopped talking and shut down hard. I was so livid that I burst into tears calling them all 'stupid motherf*ckers' as I tried to explain to her why I've even been around a bit more outside of my session lately. My breathing got funny as though I was going to panic, and my therapist tried talking to me to help me practice deep breathing but I yelled at her to stop talking. She didn't stop. I told her to stop f*cking talking. She kept talking. She told me we needed to do deep breathing and I said, "I CAN F*CKING DO IT". I told her I didn't want to see her face again. She informed me I could cancel my sessions if that's what I wanted to do, and I replied that I was really f*cking mad right now. To be honest I don't even know what I'm going to do now..
Needless to say this was a beyond an extremely huge trigger for me, but I am also appalled at how she, and her office handled everything. It made me feel as though I was some delinquent causing trouble in their office, meanwhile I was simply doing my best to work on my recovery. Before my accident, I was a working professional as a social worker in the field and anyone who knows me (as another therapist does) has said before she can attest to my character (when I complained to her about the assistant manager bothering me about pacing the halls with my anxiety). I mean, I freaking know and respect confidentiality. There has never been an actual 'issue' aside from this assistant manager not liking me, apparently.
Anyways, in saying all of this, I'm not sure what to do. I've shared this story with two friends who are urging me to bring this to the attention of management (owners of the practice) and complain about the assistant manger. I am open to hearing your thoughts on what you'd do if you were in my shoes. I mean, I really like my therapist, but I was truly off-put when she came at me with the whole confidentiality thing. Not cool. I clarified that I had been INVITED back there. I'd NEVER do that alone, or have done anything to suggest that I'd be likely to snoop or anything. I'm curious about what you all think about this. Would you complain to management about this? Or do you think there's validity in them bringing it up to me the way they did? Please be polite as this is a big trigger, but I want to make sure I am not responding irrationally (as my poor therapist got my emotionally charged response already today lol)