Hi
@GayJay - some thoughts, they might help. I've bolded the extra-relevant bits.
I'm 16, but I had to grow up to be the adult of my family. So being diagnosed for other mental illnesses is unlikely because of my age, but I won't be helped for the symptoms either until I'm older.
Actually, you're right in the age range where many mental illnesses present themselves. And, you're in the middle (still) of the big hormonal surge and accompanying neurological development that happens in the post-puberty period. This can create a bit of a diagnostic 'perfect storm'. In other words - the things you are experiencing could be attributed to psychiatric disorder, or to common human development.
This is why it's good to be careful about two things: one, trying to draw too detailed of a conclusion; and two, the philosophy of the mental health practitioner(s) you interact with.
I just want to understand the symptoms and take care of them alone
A good place to start - and very doable - would be mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR). Jon Kabat-Zinn is the author you'd be looking for. MBSR is an evidence based approach to improving the overall mental health of the individual, irregardless of what their diagnosis is.
You can also just start incorporating some of the basics of good mental hygiene. It all sounds very simple, and many (most?) people will want to wave this away with a 'yeah, yeah, yeah, but my
symptoms...', but this is the stuff that just sets the brain up for improvement, and there's no shortcutting it. Regular daily exercise. Good sleep habits. Work/school/life balance. Interpersonal connection. Socialization. If you find any of these challenging, that's OK - there are strategies for how to build these things up in your life.
I'm not like most teens my age. You can treat me like an adult if you want, it might be easier. I'm not scared of dissociation, if what I'm describing is dissociation, than I've had it years now. It's more numb, like depression, than scared of dissociation
Just want to remind you - that even though it sounds like you have life experiences that can make you feel more like an adult than a teen, you also still have teen-brain. That's nothing that you need to feel badly about - it's actually something that I hope you can find reassuring. Reading up on neurodevelopment for your age and gender will probably help. And even if you think you know what it is...do some reading anyway. Scientific understanding of the brain is a moving target, it changes frequently. When you can, try and follow through to the actual studies that are the source of the information.
The second bit I bolded - you mentioned being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I would not dismiss the possibility that a great deal of what you describe is attributable to a measurable, and addressable, amount of depression. One of the more slippery forms of depression is called Dysthymia. People who are dysthymic tend to minimize the depression they experience as being 'just how they are', or who they are. Feeling disconnected, like everything is happening at a remove and is somehow unreal - that can be part of the dysthymic experience.
I can't get a diagnosis, and I just wish I didn't need to have one for doctors to understand I need help. I don't want to change medicines again, I'm very sensitive to medicine in general.
You don't need a diagnosis for a therapist to understand you need help, and to be able to help you. I'm not a doctor - so this is just advise from a random internet person - but given what you've written, I would strongly suggest getting into some regular work with a
good therapist that
you feel good about talking with.
Meds are first and foremost only a stepping stone, for people who cannot even begin to do the necessary cognitive work on their own. And, the younger you are, the more true this is. Meds are a necessity for people dealing with disorders that cannot be conquered through cognitive therapies. Right now, it sounds like you are cogent and functional. Your functioning may not be pleasant or optimal, but you are managing the basics. That's a good thing, and doesn't diminish what you are going through. Life can be more than just managing the basics.
My point is - a large part of getting to a better place is just work done on altering thought and behavior patterns. This work takes time, but it's doable, it does make things better, and can be done without completely solving why you're experiencing it, or even, what to call it.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
