Having embarrassing tantrums in front of therapist

[Inside Ana]

Hi all,
I’m a girl seeing a male therapist for a laundry list of issues.
Our most recent topic of discussion is a sexual assault that happened to me a year and a half ago. Our goal for the moment is to get me to a place where I can talk about what happened with having a complete mental breakdown and start throwing a fit right in the middle of his office.
I am so incredibly embarassed by the way I act when we start talking about what happened that night. All I know for sure is I start running my fingers through my hair to try to calm myself down, then several moments later I open my eyes and remember where I really am. I have no idea what these temper tantrums must look like to him, but i imagine i look like an overgrown three-year-old. Its humiliating.
He keeps reminding me that theyre called flashbacks and they are very common in people who have ptsd. He keeps reminding me that he’s seen this before, it isnt my fault, and i dont scare him. He understands whats happening to me even if i dont understand it at the time. “Its nothing to be embarrassed about.”
We’re working on grounding techniques right now. i can hear his voice very distantly when hes trying to guide me out of a flashback, but other than that i completely forget hes in the room. It makes seeing him in front of me when my fit is over that much more embarrassing.
How do i stop myself from acting this way when all my therapist is trying to do is talk to me? Its so hard spit out any details of that night and the second i do im tangling my fingers in my hair and twitching in my seat like a crazy person. Talking about what happened is bad enough, i dont want to keep putting my therapist through these childish tantrums, too.

 

[Vee]

If you're going to throw a "childish tantrum" in front of anybody, the best person to watch it is a therapist. They're paid to do it, and they've received training to talk you down from it and deal with it. That said, I'm not sure "childish tantrum" is the best thing to call your flashbacks. While I know they seem embarrassing to you, you have to deal with what happened to you, and putting extra pressure on yourself by telling yourself you should be ashamed of the only way you can express your feelings, is honestly just beating yourself up. We our own harshest critics, and you didn't ask to be assaulted, so give yourself a break and be kind to this inner child who is just trying to express how she was hurt.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Anna,

Are you saying you in a flashback when in the tantrums? You say you don't remember until you open you eyes. How do you know it was a tantrum? Am I misunderstanding? The incident you are talking about was a year and a half ago. Are you going back to then? Where you an adult then?

 

[Inside Ana]

@Abstract im saying my flashbacks are the tantrum. I dont remember everything i do when im having a flashback because im not really present in the room while im doing it. But i know i mess up my hair by scratching at it, pulling my fingers through it over and over, and dragging it across my face, those types of things. And i know i twitch and squirm in my seat while im doing it. Ive made groaning noises before. To be honest i dont always remember everything when i finally open my eyes. But i know its bad, so i call it a tantrum. And yes, the place i go back to is the incident a year and a half ago, and i was 24.

@Vee my therapist said almost the same thing, about him being the person i want to see when that happens. He says it helps him understand better how much the assualt is still affecting me, and guides him to what i need most from him.
And i know i sound like im being mean, but im just so upset that this is the best i can do when i try to express whats hurting me. My inner voice is saying “you’re a mature, educated, adult. This behavior is ridiculous. Get your thumb out of your mouth and talk like a big girl.” I just want to do better than this.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Anna,
I wonder if you are being a bit harsh and judgmental on yourself. In my mind a flashback isn't a temper tantrum and when flashing back to an incident at 24 it certainly wouldn't be a 3 year old tantrum. A tantrum implies childish behaviour to get its way. That doesn't at all fit what you are describing here. In face you don't even remember anything that would fit such a description. Trauma definitely makes me feel totally humiliated when I try to do therapy for it. I regress horrribly and words leave me. It is a horrible powerless feeling. I guess it is rather a symptom of the intensity of the emotions we feel and the nature of traumatisation itself.

 

[Harmonics]

@Abstract im saying my flashbacks are the tantrum. I dont remember everything i d...

Regression is normal in the therapeutic relationship. It is the therapist's job to make the environment save for you to regress when needed. What you are experiencing sounds very normal (if there is such a thing) for a flashback. I would also argue that you are not having a tantrum but experiencing a flashback. Yes, it can feel embarrassing, but your therapist went to school to learn how to treat this. Your T will not be surprised by any of it, and he will know much better how to help you when seeing this. And yup, a couple weeks ago, a question by my T landed me into a major flashback with me behaving in a similar manner. Nope, T was not shocked, just helped get me back into the present where we could talk about what was going on. When you are in a flashback, you are back inside of the trauma. Any behavior at that point would be considered normal.

 

[Inside Ana]

It is the therapist's job to make the environment safe for you to regress when needed...

Can you say more about this? Because when i act this way one of the things i feel is guilt because i dont feel like babying me out of this state is his job. I know logically this is in his training, but how much is too much? Where is the line?

Also, when i tried to apologize to my therapist for one of these episodes he almost ended up thanking me for letting it happen in front of him (after telling me not to be sorry). He said it was a good thing that i allowed him to see that happen. Confusing much!

 

[Harmonics]

Can you say more about this? Because when i act this way one of the things i feel is guilt because...

I would say the line would be if you were trying to behave this way to get a response. From what you are describing, you are getting caught up in some really difficult flashbacks, something that you are not in any way wanting to do. Even if a client tries to do something to get a response, that is good information for a therapist because they need to address what is missing, such as unmet attachment needs. The reality is that when we are triggered or when we are in a flashback, we are in fight or flight mode. The front of the brain is not really online at that point, so you can't expect to be acting in a rational, well thought out manner.
Another thing to look at is what is frightening you about the therapist knowing what you are going through. I wonder what that fear might be about.
And yes, it really does help your therapist to see what you are experiencing. Otherwise, I wonder if you try to make it sound like you are coping better than you are. That gives the therapist some ideas about what needs to be examined as far as developing this pattern of behavior. Are there other areas in your life where you don't feel that you can let others know how you truly feel? Is it a matter of control and fear of loss of control? Also, remember that the more you can be open and trusting with your T (obviously as they earn that trust), the more you can work together to improve your life. The more you hide your feelings and reactions, the harder that is.

 

[Abstract]

If he is a therapist that is OK about dealing with trauma and someone who has PTSD then it would be terrible if the therapist wasn't OK with dealing with someone having a flashback. And yes, it is totally normal for the therapist to help the client come out of a flashback. It isn't in any way babying the client to do so. Yes, as therapy goes on then it needs to be about teaching us to help ourselves and not become reliant on someone else always doing it for us but that;s not what you are describing. There is no blame or shame or fault in a flashback.

The line from your part would only be if the therapist was in some sort of physical danger from a client. And then it would be about managing that situation so that everyone is being taken care of. Or as was said, you doing it as a means of manipulation - but then it wouldn't be a flashback.

Do you tend to feel ashamed at having needs or needing help? No need to answer if you don't want to. You mention he is male. Does that affect this topic somehow for you.

 

[Inside Ana]

Im very ashamed of needing help. And yes i do have strong control issues. No one in my life besides my therapist even knows i was assualted.

 

[Abstract]

I understand having shame about needing help. Its usually when we haven't been met by someone meeting those normal needs safely. Not being shamed or harmed in response and being met empathically. I totally relate to not telling anyone. Its totally normal and right to want to someone to hear and support you and its normal to get help from someone when in distress. Apparently!