Missing part of myself?

[TTC18]

Forgive if this is in the wrong forum, I'm not sure where to post it.
So I've been very Type A my whole life. I'm always early or ahead of time for everything. I aim for perfection. I make sure my car has all its routine maintenance. I do all the things. Supermom, superemployee, supereverything.
Lately, I've noticed that I'm not doing those things anymore. I don't know how long it's been - but it's almost like I have this thought,'Gee, I should make sure and get the oil changed' and then a feeling like I don't really need to worry about it, it'll get done.
Like when you're working on a team project at work or at school, and you have the job of typing it all up at the end, and you wonder if the person who's supposed to be gathering research has brought all the right research in, and you're busy, so you shrug, and say, well, I'm sure they'll do all the right things, I can't do all the parts of the project, I'll just wait to do my part.
But that stuff's not getting done. I didn't file taxes this year. (YEs, I know I need to. And I'm going to.) I haven't had an oil change on my car since I don't know when. I get my tires checked when one goes flat or blows out. I respond to clients at the latest possible date, instead of the earliest. And only then because I can't avoid it - but it all feels wrong. Like I shouldn't have to be doing this.
I feel like I'm almost watching from the outside, saying, 'Come ON - you have stuff you need to do!' and there's a sort of a block full of, 'there's plenty of time, no need to rush' - I'm thinking, here are all the things that need to be done- and here are all the reasons why, and at the same time, I'm just. not. doing. them.

This doesn't even make sense to myself, lol - hopefully it makes sense to someone else.

Adding - it feels like the part of my personality that usually takes care of this stuff is out to lunch. If that makes any sense. Like - you wake up in the AM, and that's your sleepy self. You don't expect sleepy self to be functional until you have some coffee. Then you have some coffee, and that's your caffeinated woken up self, and you then would expect yourself to be able to start getting stuff done. if you get sick, that's your i-have-the-flu self, and you don't expect i-have-the-flu self to get a lot done, you just let yourself lie in bed and get better.
Maybe I'm just turning off the functional part of myself, and not expecting myself to be organized and get stuff done because I have too much going on mentally. Like brain-flu. Poor sick self, you go ahead and watch TV and rest, eat some chicken soup, and you can get the oil changed when you feel better. (lol)

 

[Teamwork]

You made sense. I get it totally. Been in the same funk for awhile myself. Sometimes for me it’s because the mental anguish is eating up the focus of the way I normally function. It’s demanding the space and energy so not much gets done even though I know I should do it and should care about it. There is no space for life when the brain is consumed with other things. In the end things do get done but not with the level of proficiency I have the capacity to do it in if other things weren’t taking up all the energy. Hope that makes sense. Probably doesn’t help much though as I’m doing the same thing.

 

[TTC18]

Does make sense - it's like the spoons thing. I only have so many spoons, and i'm using them up for other stuff, lol.

 

[grit]

It seems like you might be under extreme situation where even your most functional side is hiding. I hope you take care of yourself. You do have a lot of self-reflection but for some reason, you are also in extreme denial.

 

[TTC18]

It seems like you might be under extreme situation where even your most functional side is hiding. I hope you take care of yourself. You do have a lot of self-reflection but for some reason, you are also in extreme denial.

I've been kind of going downhill for a while, long-long-long term stress over a long-term stalker (almost called him a terrorist lol) etc and kind of snapped when he found me again. I am trying to remember self-care stuff.
Can you elaborate on how I'm in denial? Not being snarky, just looking for insight.

 

[grit]

I've been kind of going downhill for a while, long-long-long term stress over a long-term stalker (almost called him a terrorist lol) etc and kind of snapped when he found me again. I am trying to remember self-care stuff.
Can you elaborate on how I'm in denial? Not being snarky, just looking for insight.

Tryingtocope18,
You are not being snarky and I did not take it that way.

In denial, I meant, you are thinking or at least writing if this is funny. For you to realize you are losing a lot of senses or traits that were normal is kind of alarming if you have trauma as you said you do. I just truly hope you reach out for professional help so you can get support in place when or if you decide to look deeper and stop the train. But also I have to be mindful that perhaps your postings are sounding alarm TO ME and you are not actually feeling unsafe or in serious crisis.

I am concerned for you. Every time I read your post, I feel you are not taking yourself seriously.

 

[TTC18]

@grit Thank you for your concern. Most sincerely.
I have therapy scheduled, and am seeing a psych for meds.
'Make it funny' is how I cope. It's the only way I can be comfortable talking about this stuff.
I don't even know how to talk about real stuff without trying to make it funny.
It's heavy stuff.
And when I send it out of myself, asking someone else to think about it, that's heavy.
I don't like to ask other people to carry my heavy stuff, so I think I try to make it lighter by keeping things light.

It's like - if I speak lightly about it, then, I get to ask questions and see what people think about things, but don't have to feel bad about asking questions and trying to find out if what I'm feeling and thinking is normal or abnormal.

When I was younger, I spoke lightly about it just to be able to get it out. But again - so that no one would feel bad about what was going on. I don't want anyone to feel bad about me, or worry about me, etc.

When re-reading, it sounds like I'm being frivolous in a manipulative way. None of this has been deliberate or conscious. When you said the above, it made me look to see what I was doing and why, and this is my explanation. Not sure what to do about it, this is just how it is.

 

[Starfire]

Wow can I relate! I do the same thing. After joking about an event with my T and even getting him laughing about it, I suddenly said "but it's not funny". He got this super serious look on his face & said "no, it's not". That was sooo uncomfortable. But to your point: my experience is a more specific one. I will, for example, stop taking my vitamins. No thoughts of I don't need them...just not taking them. It usually ends up relating back to my abuse in a way. Discovered I most probably was given a drug at times. I've set things up for serious things....my CPA for taxes, dealership for my car's maintenance, direct payment for bills etc. In my professional life I 'm still Type A, go getter, in charge. For me, I think I kept so organized & busy in my personal life in order not to slow down to deal with the painful past. And when I let things fall apart, that eventually creates a crisis that demands attention & also keeps me from having to deal with it. Well, the strategy worked for many years!! Thanks for sharing.

 

[TTC18]

And when I let things fall apart, that eventually creates a crisis that demands attention & also keeps me from having to deal with it..

I can really relate to this. I think this is partly what I'm doing. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like that tiiiiiiiny PTSD criterion that is overlooked by most that says the disorder has a negative impact on functioning. So yes, it’s a symptom.

 

[Journeyman]

Forgive if this is in the wrong forum, I'm not sure where to post it.
So I've been very Type A my whole life. I'm always early or ahead of time for everything. I aim for perfection. I make sure my car has all its routine maintenance. I do all the things. Supermom, superemployee, supereverything.
Lately, I've noticed that I'm not doing those things anymore. I don't know how long it's been - but it's almost like I have this thought,'Gee, I should make sure and get the oil changed' and then a feeling like I don't really need to worry about it, it'll get done.
Like when you're working on a team project at work or at school, and you have the job of typing it all up at the end, and you wonder if the person who's supposed to be gathering research has brought all the right research in, and you're busy, so you shrug, and say, well, I'm sure they'll do all the right things, I can't do all the parts of the project, I'll just wait to do my part.
But that stuff's not getting done. I didn't file taxes this year. (YEs, I know I need to. And I'm going to.) I haven't had an oil change on my car since I don't know when. I get my tires checked when one goes flat or blows out. I respond to clients at the latest possible date, instead of the earliest. And only then because I can't avoid it - but it all feels wrong. Like I shouldn't have to be doing this.
I feel like I'm almost watching from the outside, saying, 'Come ON - you have stuff you need to do!' and there's a sort of a block full of, 'there's plenty of time, no need to rush' - I'm thinking, here are all the things that need to be done- and here are all the reasons why, and at the same time, I'm just. not. doing. them.

This doesn't even make sense to myself, lol - hopefully it makes sense to someone else.

Adding - it feels like the part of my personality that usually takes care of this stuff is out to lunch. If that makes any sense. Like - you wake up in the AM, and that's your sleepy self. You don't expect sleepy self to be functional until you have some coffee. Then you have some coffee, and that's your caffeinated woken up self, and you then would expect yourself to be able to start getting stuff done. if you get sick, that's your i-have-the-flu self, and you don't expect i-have-the-flu self to get a lot done, you just let yourself lie in bed and get better.
Maybe I'm just turning off the functional part of myself, and not expecting myself to be organized and get stuff done because I have too much going on mentally. Like brain-flu. Poor sick self, you go ahead and watch TV and rest, eat some chicken soup, and you can get the oil changed when you feel better. (lol)

that is such a great illustration of how it feels, "the sleepy self" that's when I feel the most basic...self. And look how fast it happens; if you were not paying attention it would be easy to not even notice...

 

[PreciousChild]

@tryingtocope18 , I'm not sure if this helps, but when I was a kid, I was either hyper-focused on my parents commands/needs, or left to myself completely alone and untethered. So I'm either completely on (for others' sake) or I'm on my own and who gives a s***. Do you know what I mean?