Hate...Anger...Madness...Upset...Irritated.... It is all the same to me.

[EveHarrington]

To me, anything along the irritated—> upset —> madness —> anger —> hate scale all feels like hate to me.

This is one of my current therapy topics. We just started talking about it a few weeks ago when I realized the dynamic.

That is, when someone feels irritated or upset or mad or angry at me, I interpret it ALL as being hated.

This is why I have so few friends. None of them have ever expressed any part of feelings on this scale to me. No, they are not one dimensional. I see a wide array of emotions from them, just no negative emotions toward me.

It only goes one way.

If I’m angry or mad or upset or irritated, I don’t hate the person.

As soon as someone feels irritated or upset or mad or angry at me, I’m like oh well, they hate me, moving on, nothing I can do about it.

It’s like this in every facet of my life. Yes, EVERY SINGLE FACET. No area or group of people is excluded. This includes people I have known since birth!

I know part of the issue is that I don’t believe anyone has any reason to like me as I don’t feel that I have any positive qualities (beyond sex).

I don’t know what to do with this issue. It was skipped over in my last therapy session and will probably be skipped over again because of more pressing issues (med toxicity resulting in drastic reduction of meds, high likelihood for instability, and new sexual assault.)

Thoughts? Ideas?

I’m just wondering what other people think.

Thanks.

 

[Friday]

Have you worked on other core beliefs & cognitive distortions?

 

[EveHarrington]

No.

My therapist gave me a sheet on cognitive distortions but it’s a guide on how therapists can help their client. I’m going to give it back to her and tell her it’s a guide for HER, not me. (If you read it you’d realize it’s too confusing and too technical for a client to use on their own. I’d have to already know a ton of therapeutic techniques, ones that you go to school to learn.)

 

[Friday]

So the way I’m reading things

I know part of the issue is that I don’t believe anyone has any reason to like me as I don’t feel that I have any positive qualities (beyond sex).
.

This would be the core belief. Or one of them.

To me, anything along the irritated—> upset —> madness —> anger —> hate scale all feels like hate to me..

Black & White thinking + Labeling/Mislabeling

That is, when someone feels irritated or upset or mad or angry at me, I interpret it ALL as being hated...

Emotional Reasoning + Labeling/Mislabeling

It’s like this in every facet of my life. Yes, EVERY SINGLE FACET. No area or group of people is excluded. This includes people I have known since birth!

(Probably) disqualifying the positive (because you would have to erase all of the positive interactions that refute what you’ve decided on)

I’m like oh well, they hate me, moving on, nothing I can do about it.
.

Overgeneralising & jumping to conclusions

And these would be some of the cognitive distortions feeding into it / reaffirming to you that it’s true.

Again, just my read on things, and from what you wrote above.

As to what to do about it? That’s one of those long haul simple/hard things, that a therapist is huuuuuuugely useful with, that you can also work on, on your own. Way more on both of those below.


Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

Negative thinking styles part ii: reframing negative thoughts

Finding negative core beliefs

 

[ILoveLife]

I agree that it's mostly generalizing and black and white thinking - most people do that, you're not defective the slightest. It's easier to group things into one category than it is to think of individual multiple reasons to why things happen/feel/etc.

But I also think generalizing and black and white thinking happen for a reason other than "easier to think that way", particularly concerning trauma.

If I’m angry or mad or upset or irritated, I don’t hate the person.

You can see the array of emotions in yourself, but you don't apply it to others. Even knowing they're not one dimensional, you categorize their emotions into one possible explanation...

As soon as someone feels irritated or upset or mad or angry at me, I’m like oh well, they hate me, moving on, nothing I can do about it.

...that is, they hate you.
This is more of a projection I think, in the end the way we confabulate emotions towards us in others is one of the ways we see ourselves.
When people treat you well, do you feel deserving of it?
I've noticed around here, when people treat you like shit you defend yourself (even when you just perceive that to be true, not particularly so).. So maybe you're on the fence, on one hand you see yourself deserving of respect, on the other you believe you're inherently disliked just for being you. Which do you think is the correct way to see it? I'm betting you won't pick that you're inherently dislikable, and also you're really not.
You do have a strong personality, and I've seen here you say "I'm like this so people don't like me". Is this a fixed belief, or is it nuanced? "I'm like this, and people don't like this trait."?

I know part of the issue is that I don’t believe anyone has any reason to like me as I don’t feel that I have any positive qualities (beyond sex).

Maybe work on that, deep in there you do believe you're worthy of good things, even if you have bad qualities. (Spoiler, we all have bad qualities, you don't have the monopoly on that :P)

I think Friday's suggestion of looking into core beliefs and cognitive distortions is a good suggestion.
DBT and CBT might help.

 

[EveHarrington]

This is more of a projection I think,

Yes, it is very much a projection, but projections can also be true.

When people treat you well, do you feel deserving of it?

No, I don’t feel deserving of it. I think I only deserve to be treated horribly and abused.

You do have a strong personality, and I've seen here you say "I'm like this so people don't like me". Is this a fixed belief, or is it nuanced? "I'm like this, and people don't like this trait."?

After a few bans I realized that making friends on the forum was an exercise in futility. I’m not sure how people make friends here, but I do notice that most people have friend groups. I just chalk it up to being too blunt. I think anymore I’m here because I have the perception of support even though I don’t really talk to anyone. I’m very well aware that there are quite a few people here who don’t like me and I don’t associate with them anymore. I really don’t think you can separate traits from the person as someone’s traits make up their personality. Even if I changed right now and only made cuddly replies, it’s too late, the damage is done.

 

[ILoveLife]

projections can also be true.

Partially true, not completely. That's the black and white thinking, generalization bit. Like you don't completely hate yourself, other people don't completely hate you either. Disagreement isn't hate either.

I think I only deserve to be treated horribly and abused.

This is what you should work on. It's a pressing issue that shouldn't be relegated in therapy, in my opinion. Treating that can be a stepping stone to your inclusiveness in society in general, and here too (this is also a part of society)

I just chalk it up to being too blunt.

Trait, not whole personality.
You're also kind, I've seen you be kind, and you've been kind to me.

even though I don’t really talk to anyone.

Ah, yeah.. That's something you should look at. Isolation on the internet - the place of connection - is a thing too.
When we're screwed over enough, people seem to not be worthy of our attention.
But for some reason, you seek and do give support. So, not all hope is lost :P

 

[EveHarrington]

But for some reason, you seek and do give support. So, not all hope is lost

Can you be honest with me?

Do I actually help anyone?

I get the feeling that people just disregard what I say so I’m wasting my time trying to help.

 

[ILoveLife]

Do I actually help anyone?

I can only speak for myself, and you've helped me a bunch.
Even if I'm alone in this, I may not always agree with you but I appreciate your bluntness.

I've felt disregarded here often, I think it's natural with all the fluctuations of denial going on, plus cognitive distortions and core beliefs all twisted up in a knot.. I often am not ready for what people have to say to me either.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’ve never learned social skills like how to get along with people, how to make friends, how to date or find a partner. I just don’t know how to do these things.

I don’t know how to separate hate/anger/madness/irritability. If I irritate someone, why push a friendship? Isn’t it better to move on?

 

[ILoveLife]

If I irritate someone, why push a friendship?

I sometimes do this too. I often need time to process my emotions regarding what happened, take some time for myself and regroup.
At first I always think it's impossible to continue on, if they hate they will hurt me. But then, I remember the kindness and it mellows out.

I read something yesterday about doing inventories on relationships, you know, a list of the good the bad and the ugly. Know where we stand with some perspective. I figure it's good because it helps us see that some relationships are really one sided, even if they don't hate us it seems that way because there isn't reciprocation.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t want to be like this anymore.

For many years I couldn’t even call anyone a friend because of this dynamic. It took months to give my boyfriend the “boyfriend” label.