Oh, Right, He Has No Idea

[Kintsugi]

My boyfriend, J, has never seen me depressed or symptomatic outside of situational stress ever since I first leveled out in our relationship last summer. Even then, I wasn’t depressed, just super dissociative and anxious.

Look, I know other people can’t “fix” me. But this man really taught me some shit, you know? Like how to be inside my body. How to clear my head. How to relax without having an equal, opposite reaction to that relaxation. Like I stopped manufacturing as much stress when I settled within myself. I started living in the now. I started cupping the moment I’m in in my hands and looking at it for real, without the fog of dissociation taking me out of it.

I woke up one day last year and it was gone. Dissociation left the building. I felt like an exposed nail bed. I was raw and the world was visceral and suddenly every day was palpable and breathing and set apart from just some dream I moved through.

But right now I’m crashing pretty hard from all of the intensity of... I’m not even going to recap it all. My life hasn’t stood still ever since I can remember. The last time I thought everything was about to settle down, I accidentally landed in grad school with a full ride, and then a cavalcade of other shit went down thereafter.

Anyway, last night I just burst into tears over something ostensibly silly. He was quite flabbergasted. I can see why. So I tried to communicate. I told him, you know, I did think taking a break might make me crash, but I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard and so late.

So I’m trying to expound on this, and he cuts in and says, “Yeah, but all of that’s in the past. You don’t need to deal with it anymore.”

Whoaaaaaaaaaa...

And it hits me. He doesn’t know. He has no clue. He’s seen me dissociate, seen me flashback (emotionally and full immersion style), seen me compulsively self-harm... when it was situationally appropriate. Never just because I’m in a place where my symptoms are like, Oh, you’re not busy? Good, cause, f*ck YO SHIT, SIMON.

And then he’s like, “Oh, you just need a new distraction. Something productive to keep you busy, like school did.”

Oh, jeez. No. Nooooo.

Okay, so, clearly he doesn’t get it, because it’s never really been a thing—what I’m going through right now.

So I’m looking for advice. Okay, I’ve been here for 8 years. PTSD cup—check. Sciencey cortisol elevation explanation—check. He gets that I process stress weirdly. It’s more the processing backlog he doesn’t get, and he’s confused as to why I’m suddenly spinning from old stress.

Any suggestions? I’d like to do this the right way. Our communication is excellent. We’ve become really pro at talking, and we started in a good place with that anyway. He’s highly solution-focused, and getting stuck in an emotion is, like, against his personal religion. And I’m usually the first one on board with that, when I’m well.

My initial reaction is to explain this as a setback instead of as some kind of new beast, because that’s what it is. I was “like this” long before I met him. Yes, I’ve changed massively in the past year. I let go of a lot. I got in touch with a lot. But maybe if I frame this as, like, old habits die hard (a concept he’s familiar with) instead of “this is me being symptomatic and this is why” (which works for me as a framework and worked with my severely bipolar ex in talking), and I emphasize supporting me in getting back to a lot of the coping tools that helped level me out when we started dating (daily music chill out no talking feel the vibrations in the walls sessions, coloring books, gardening, long walks) it will translate a lot better for him than just trying to explain All of PTSD.

This is a place for me to talk shit out as much as anything. It’s a little scattered. That’s okay. So am I right now.

 

[LuckiLee]

Does he know how PTSD "works"? "The post traumatic stress disorder relationship" is a good book to start with. Has he done any research of his own? I educated myself on the disorder and at this point I know more about than my guy (J) does. Good luck!

 

[Friday]

One, I think he’s right. You need something to bleed stress from your cup, on a steady & regular basis, with occasional spikes & lulls to keep things interesting. He just jumped straight to the solution, either intuiting the cause, or you.

Passion, purpose, competence.

Maybe the average person doesn’t actually need those things, they’re just nice to have, I don’t know. Hell, maybe even the average person with PTSD doesn’t need them. But?

I lost those things twice in my life. And it was bad. Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Epic poetry bad, as you’re one of the few people who will grok that. I wasn’t sane, sweetheart. Not even close.

TheBeast? Very much so.

The first time it all got directed outwards, for years. And it took years to learn to control it... once I even bothered trying. On the upside, quasi-functional. I can’t underscore enough, though, bad. Very, very, very bad. The second time, I kept my leash too short, and it was all directed inwards. And, again, I lost years. This time nonfunctional. Pure unadulterated pain with nowhere to go. I alternated between looking like I was in a hard kick, feeling far worse, and months where all I did was sleep, or stare off into space, locked in my own head or feelin nothing at all. Lights on. No one home.

I honestly don’t know which is worse.

It doesn’t have to be a life time or all abiding passion.

It doesn’t have to be forever.

But for the love of all that’s holy, find something to light your eyes and quicken your pulse, and give you a purpose. Even for just a little while. Something to sink your teeth into and shake. It can be wholly different from school, a palette cleanser. A distraction. Something, that taps the energies that are building up & are sparking out & directs them. Something, anything.

 

[Friday]

Oh f*ck, right. That I think he was right, and to take his advice, and why, was one (plus a set of steak knives). This is two.

There’s a stuck point that happens, that can happen, when we look at “why”, or try and explain why.

Be careful of it.

There’s a sense of accomplishment, of finalness, when we answer why. Hell, it wraps people up in knots attempting to answer the unanswerable (it’s one of the few things I’ll stop the world for -why me- Nope! Whole damn religions center around that question do not even think of going down that rabbit hole), it makes damn good sense on why “why” feels so damn important.

You know why you do this. Lock, stock, & 2 smoking barrels.

Which makes it unimportant.

The important question to answer is how.

That’s what he jumped to, why I think he’s right, and whether or not you explain “why” be very very careful about not feeling “done” once if/when you’ve explained why. (That just morphs into the explanation being the finale, with ‘I can’t because’). Or putting too much importance on anyone else understanding “why”, whether he understands it or not. That’s nothing but a distraction at best, & an avoidance / an excuse to choose a target to get upset at, at worst. Super, crazy, insanely easy to get stuck focusing on someone else’s understanding -and reactions surrounding- why. Stuck point. Big one. Be careful of it.

ETA
I know, I’m repeating myself a lot. I have to edit for brevity right now, so my apologies on it. That’s me, not my opinion that you didn’t get it the first 6 times. :bag: But it’s fhis or say nothing till my internal editor wakes the f*ck up.

 

[anthony]

And it hits me. He doesn’t know.

Know what?

I told him, you know, I did think taking a break might make me crash, but I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard and so late.

Its not you, that is standard PTSD operating procedure, leading into...

And then he’s like, “Oh, you just need a new distraction. Something productive to keep you busy, like school did.”

Yep, that's actually about the size of it.

Oh, jeez. No. Nooooo.

Yes, yes. Reading what you're saying, I guess you're thinking the brevity of school again, but that is not what I'm saying. Not sure its what he is saying either. You need something in your life to focus upon, to keep you busy.

Hot tip: anyone with active PTSD who is not kept busy will endure super depressive episodes. People without PTSD become depressed when they are no longer working, out of their job, under financial stress and can't envisage a path through it, so forth. Add PTSD = shits gonna definitely happen if you sit still too long.

If I am not doing something, daily, to keep me occupied, focused, and within my stress limits -- depression kicks my arse within a week or two. Major style.

Many functional PTSD sufferers function because of activity in their life. That could be work, social, so forth -- but it will usually be super high level activity that keeps them functioning to begin with. Take it away for any extended period, i.e. a week or two, and symptoms begin popping up, dragging you down, and you feel like you're fighting to have to exist again.

Its called workaholism. You are a workaholic in a sense, (school / educational style) and that keeps you functioning. There is healthy and unhealthy workaholism. The healthy version has a social interaction in your life that brings you joy, relaxation and de-stressing, ongoing within your days / weeks. This usually then limits the overall time you need to take in a lump sum for an extended break.

Nicolette has childhood shit, which she has dealt with, but the results are still symptoms IF she stops working / stops being social, so forth, for any long period. We go on holidays for a couple of weeks or so usually every couple of years, but otherwise we take more long weekends away. Shorter period, same result for her. Long trips and she will usually just turn workaholism towards organisation of the trip, each day, tasks, things to see, so forth. That will get her through a trip, whilst still being relaxing but focused on other things.

Its a coping mechanism. Take it away, shit happens.

So I’m trying to expound on this, and he cuts in and says, “Yeah, but all of that’s in the past. You don’t need to deal with it anymore.”

It is in the past -- the difference is whether or not he thinks it can just be avoided (unhealthy) vs continually processed and put away (healthy) as you live each day / week / month / year.

 

[Kintsugi]

Does he know how PTSD "works"?

Nope, I don’t think so, but he does definitely get me. Like really really.

One, I think he’s right. You need something to bleed stress from your cup, on a steady & regular basis, with occasional spikes & lulls to keep things interesting. He just jumped straight to the solution, either intuiting the cause, or you.

He’s a damned observant fella.

It can be wholly different from school, a palette cleanser.

I guess I just felt like jumping headfirst in yet another “thing” was escapism. It’s why I read all of my ex’s textbooks and did his homework when I graduated. Why I wrote other people’s papers. Why I know so much about cults and paganism and dogs and cooking and...

Be careful of it.

There’s a sense of accomplishment, of finalness, when we answer why.

You’re right. There’s nothing there but descriptions for T students to read. I shouldn’t be focusing here. It is irrelevant. It just feels really relevant. I think I’m still stuck in my teens, after disclosure, living with my brother, going through an abusive relationship, surviving traumas while everyone seriously penalized me for being sick. “You’re tearing the family apart,” “When will you stop needing therapy?” and my most bitter favorite, “It’s water under the bridge now.” But that’s not now, and he doesn’t need a psych 101 lecture to understand I need extra coping mechanisms.

If I am not doing something, daily, to keep me occupied,

I guess in my mind working full time and life is occupied, but you do know me, and my version of occupied tends to be pretty high octane.

Its called workaholism. You are a workaholic in a sense, (school / educational style) and that keeps you functioning. There is healthy and unhealthy workaholism.

I guess I just always thought this was a bad thing.

Y’all are the bomb. Thanks for reframing this conversation for me. I’m going to have a talk with him about reinvesting in the activities that keep me focused with room for processing, like writing, art, and cooking. I have plenty of irons in the fire as it stands. I have two major dreams I put on hold for grad school that I’ve been picking up and fiddling with a bunch over the summer: training dogs and designing a business plan for a burrito truck. Idgaf if either of those or both sound silly. Actually, I received major validation Sunday on the former; I was asked if I would relocate to train dogs full time. Said I sounded perfect just as I am, no client references necessary. And then there’s the food truck thing, that happened Sunday, too. The foremost truck vendor locally invited me to work a gig.

I’ve been hesitating on doing part time work with two local trucks because I still need to study for my comprehensive exams and write a thesis, plus I’ve gotta get my internship done this Fall if possible (I can sneeze out 30 hours of teaching, though, ffs, without breaking a sweat). But school stuff still makes me want to vomit a little. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt me to put in 10 hours here and there either auditing a local trainer I’m working with this December or on a truck in the mornings before my shift.

Whether I commit to a part time job or not, I gotta break out the coloring books for real.

 

[Justmehere]

Working two jobs while studying for exams and doing an internship... sounds like perhaps putting yourself back in the same cycle...

Maybe consider instead of the second job consider something like...

I gotta break out the coloring books for real.

Yeah. That.

Or take an non academic art class just for fun. Or whatever is a healthy stress-cup-emptying distraction.

The doing doesn’t have to be work. Or school.

I may be working x hours a week but then I have active time of doing nonworking things x hours a week that empty my stress cup that will all add up to being about 100 hours of my week.

As far as what to say to a supportive partner about why? I think everyone else is on the right track to perhaps focus on the how instead. You already know he doesn’t need the psych 101 explaination. (That might help analytical overthinkers like you and I cope, but not always the case for others.)

If he needs a why, you could always go the most simplistic route: the title of PTSD itself.

Post traumatic = it’s what happens AFTER the trauma, after the chaos, after survival mode is needed for actual survival, and when it’s stuck on when it’s no longer needed for survival.

Stress = All the symptoms

Disorder = not always going to make immediate sense to someone on the outside. It’s where the “normal” order isn’t what’s happening.

I get stuck on trying to have supporters understand it all, if anything at all. If they don’t exactly get it, that stresses me out.

Most of the time though, it is ok if they don’t know all the ins and outs of why. You can still tell him what you need and what would help for him to do. He’s in a “doing” mindset anyhow. Maybe what you’ll need him to do is learn to ride this wave with you, even when it doesn’t quite make sense to him right now.

 

[MyWillow]

I can really relate to the busy-aholic thing. Work, PhD, competitive dog sports, lecturing, volunteering, committees etc etc. But my body has kicked me in the butt so hard and I’m trying to do things differently. Trying doesn’t always equal succeeding. Currently I’m traveling overseas and I’ve been so damned sick. Today I’m practicing strolling. And noticing my breath. Sounds twee but it’s a big step for me. Take care and be kind to yourself x

My partner is great but doesn’t get it. But he’s trying so that is enough. I make a point of only discussing things when I feel calm enough and preface it by saying “I need you to not ask me questions and I need to say this without emotion so I don’t lose my shit”. That’s working much better for us. Pretty much spelling out what I need from him.

 

[anthony]

I guess I just always thought this was a bad thing.

In some forms, absolutely. Some peoples work, is also their passion. They find it both stressful and enjoying. Instead of working x hours, then involved in passion for x hours, they are just combined.

Workaholism is bad for you IF it negatively affects your day to day functioning, life, social, etc.

If not negatively affected, then its good for you.

Which are you?

For some, workaholism is wrapped as -- ones need to stay busy and focused on something. Anything. As opposed to just employment focused work itself.

People who have no relationship, no social life, no fun and enjoyment in life at all (what they define fun and enjoying), then it is negatively affecting their life.

All else... no probs.

 

[Changing4Best]

Oh yes, were it not for my painting, I would go nuts (again). Writing in journals is another thing that helps. Is it possible to involve him in a hobby that you do together?

 

[Kintsugi]

@Changing4Best It is. I’m working on that this week. We used to listen to music and color together every day. We’re listening to music for about 30-60 minutes a night again, now, since I created this thread. It helps immensely.

 

[hithere]

Know what?

Its not you, that is standard PTSD operating procedure, leading into...

Hot tip: anyone with active PTSD who is not kept busy will endure super depressive episodes. People without PTSD become depressed when they are no longer working, out of their job, under financial stress and can't envisage a path through it, so forth. Add PTSD = shits gonna definitely happen if you sit still too long.

Its called workaholism. You are a workaholic in a sense, (school / educational style) and that keeps you functioning. There is healthy and unhealthy workaholism. The healthy version has a social interaction in your life that brings you joy, relaxation and de-stressing, ongoing within your days / weeks. This usually then limits the overall time you need to take in a lump sum for an extended break.

It is in the past -- the difference is whether or not he thinks it can just be avoided (unhealthy) vs continually processed and put away (healthy) as you live each day / week / month / year.

Thanks for this very well communicated explanation, Anthony. I've known this about myself for awhile. It's why I had over 20 "good" years-yes I did. Workaholic, very busy kids, volunteer work. Work had a hiccup, kids leave home, kaboom. The question is though, how do you get the "passion" back that @Friday writes about when you are so overwhelmed ? I'm not entirely sure. I feel the most helpful thing in my most recent therapy was to be "coached" and encouraged to put something in my life that made me happy. It took shear will-power to get up and do it, but after awhile the results made me happy, I did something again that other people can enjoy too. You explained this so well. Thank you.
@Simply Simon I also know how you feel about this comment, though. I had a flashback recently in the presence of a friend due to a fragrance in a room trigering it. It wasn't until I "came to" I realized it was the fragrance and I was like, "aha! that's why" I tried to explain to my friend what a flashback iss & why the fragrance triggered it--she looked at me with a disapproving look and said, "that was decades ago, don't you think it's time you move on?" Uh, she didn't get it. Maybe if she actually knew the content of the flasback maybe she'd be less judgy. My brain has a mind of it's own sometimes, it's not about my choosing not to think about it.