Oh, Right, He Has No Idea

[Abstract]

Hmm. Just my take on this. Not the relationships stuff and just the rest. My experiences may not be relevant for you so disregard if not!

I have a long long history of not knowing what is enough and what is not enough. Rest, work, food, drink, sleep, situations, emotions, activities, everything. No real connection to mind or body and I seemed to think there wasn't one essentially. Workaholism has a been a long trend. Which I at one point addressed directly. Because I would periodically crash in a spectacular way. It is never pretty.

I too have had a mad year and in some ways it was positive. Shocked myself what I managed. I didn't really choose to do it and it was rather thrust upon me. Now I am trying to pick up the pieces as that mode of action is never sustainable for me. It can feel empowering as there is always something in me that doesn't want to do the human stuff. To really manage myself in a sustainable way I have to leave space and attention for self connection, rest and other basics. As much as I hate it. I really do. I seem to be sustainably best off when I am occupied but have these check in points for myself. Make myself mindfully stay connected and manage me. These things never happen automatically for me and if I don't everything starts falling apart at some point.

So yes, for me distraction and engagement is really important but because of my tendencies I have to manage it! And if I haven't managed it and find myself in fallout. I need to recoup as much as I can. Am presently there. If the engine is empty I may not think the rules of the universe apply to me but sadly it seems they do.

My husband doesn't get any of this but then he doesn't really try so won't go there! Can't advise you but it sounds like you have a great connection and you will find a way of explaining it in a way he can get on board. I relate to quite a lot of what you mention. It can be hard for people to reconcile one "person" with another.

 

[Deanna]

I hear all of you. I'm super happy at. work until recently. I lost an account ( simply because the client got a new place under new management) but I never had time for family, ever! Not much of a life! No boyfriend either, but that all changed.

I ended up selling myself short, not to think, and not to be around others. New boyfriend is more than supportive but I'm still alone so I understand SSimon.

Now I'm just taking some time and I'm quiet. It's kind of like when you roll eyes every few minutes to the back of your head and say "meh.

Maybe some if it is dissociation but I don't care, really. I'm taking a couple of weeks and may get into something else all together.

My problem is, there are 24 hours in a day and I fell limited with that.12 hours down and 12 hours up to produce miracles... That take longer than an hour.

I learned to detach emotionally from what boyfriend says. It took awhile but I do have to do something on my own and see the situation for what it is. I have to remember after all he's human and his responses and actions are his own but like u/ he's seen me in a bottomless pit before but does hurt when faced with it. He is limited and had PTSD as well.. Both medicated and in counseling.. Wouldn't trade him for the world.I wish he was different in his responses sometimes but he is typical. I do like your music ?. Everyone loves music.it's soothing and calming.

 

[Survivor3]

Know what?

Its not you, that is standard PTSD operating procedure, leading into...

Yep, that's actually about the size of it.

Yes, yes. Reading what you're saying, I guess you're thinking the brevity of school again, but that is not what I'm saying. Not sure its what he is saying either. You need something in your life to focus upon, to keep you busy.

Hot tip: anyone with active PTSD who is not kept busy will endure super depressive episodes. People without PTSD become depressed when they are no longer working, out of their job, under financial stress and can't envisage a path through it, so forth. Add PTSD = shits gonna definitely happen if you sit still too long.

If I am not doing something, daily, to keep me occupied, focused, and within my stress limits -- depression kicks my arse within a week or two. Major style.

Many functional PTSD sufferers function because of activity in their life. That could be work, social, so forth -- but it will usually be super high level activity that keeps them functioning to begin with. Take it away for any extended period, i.e. a week or two, and symptoms begin popping up, dragging you down, and you feel like you're fighting to have to exist again.

Its called workaholism. You are a workaholic in a sense, (school / educational style) and that keeps you functioning. There is healthy and unhealthy workaholism. The healthy version has a social interaction in your life that brings you joy, relaxation and de-stressing, ongoing within your days / weeks. This usually then limits the overall time you need to take in a lump sum for an extended break.

Nicolette has childhood shit, which she has dealt with, but the results are still symptoms IF she stops working / stops being social, so forth, for any long period. We go on holidays for a couple of weeks or so usually every couple of years, but otherwise we take more long weekends away. Shorter period, same result for her. Long trips and she will usually just turn workaholism towards organisation of the trip, each day, tasks, things to see, so forth. That will get her through a trip, whilst still being relaxing but focused on other things.

Its a coping mechanism. Take it away, shit happens.

It is in the past -- the difference is whether or not he thinks it can just be avoided (unhealthy) vs continually processed and put away (healthy) as you live each day / week / month / year.

i find that being active and busy is a primary coping mechanism for ptsd, otherwise terrible depression sets in. Professional treatment centres should never just put you on medication (that takes away your motivation) and leave you alone without monitoring and support. It's counterproductive.

 

[anthony]

Professional treatment centres should never just put you on medication (that takes away your motivation) and leave you alone without monitoring and support. It's counterproductive.

f*ck. Well said.

 

[Chookster On Fire]

My boyfriend, J, has never seen me depressed or symptomatic outside of situational stress ever since I first leveled out in our relationship last summer. Even then, I wasn’t depressed, just super dissociative and anxious.

Look, I know other people can’t “fix” me. But this man really taught me some shit, you know? Like how to be inside my body. How to clear my head. How to relax without having an equal, opposite reaction to that relaxation. Like I stopped manufacturing as much stress when I settled within myself. I started living in the now. I started cupping the moment I’m in in my hands and looking at it for real, without the fog of dissociation taking me out of it.

I woke up one day last year and it was gone. Dissociation left the building. I felt like an exposed nail bed. I was raw and the world was visceral and suddenly every day was palpable and breathing and set apart from just some dream I moved through.

But right now I’m crashing pretty hard from all of the intensity of... I’m not even going to recap it all. My life hasn’t stood still ever since I can remember. The last time I thought everything was about to settle down, I accidentally landed in grad school with a full ride, and then a cavalcade of other shit went down thereafter.

Anyway, last night I just burst into tears over something ostensibly silly. He was quite flabbergasted. I can see why. So I tried to communicate. I told him, you know, I did think taking a break might make me crash, but I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard and so late.

So I’m trying to expound on this, and he cuts in and says, “Yeah, but all of that’s in the past. You don’t need to deal with it anymore.”

Whoaaaaaaaaaa...

And it hits me. He doesn’t know. He has no clue. He’s seen me dissociate, seen me flashback (emotionally and full immersion style), seen me compulsively self-harm... when it was situationally appropriate. Never just because I’m in a place where my symptoms are like, Oh, you’re not busy? Good, cause, f*ck YO SHIT, SIMON.

And then he’s like, “Oh, you just need a new distraction. Something productive to keep you busy, like school did.”

Oh, jeez. No. Nooooo.

Okay, so, clearly he doesn’t get it, because it’s never really been a thing—what I’m going through right now.

So I’m looking for advice. Okay, I’ve been here for 8 years. PTSD cup—check. Sciencey cortisol elevation explanation—check. He gets that I process stress weirdly. It’s more the processing backlog he doesn’t get, and he’s confused as to why I’m suddenly spinning from old stress.

Any suggestions? I’d like to do this the right way. Our communication is excellent. We’ve become really pro at talking, and we started in a good place with that anyway. He’s highly solution-focused, and getting stuck in an emotion is, like, against his personal religion. And I’m usually the first one on board with that, when I’m well.

My initial reaction is to explain this as a setback instead of as some kind of new beast, because that’s what it is. I was “like this” long before I met him. Yes, I’ve changed massively in the past year. I let go of a lot. I got in touch with a lot. But maybe if I frame this as, like, old habits die hard (a concept he’s familiar with) instead of “this is me being symptomatic and this is why” (which works for me as a framework and worked with my severely bipolar ex in talking), and I emphasize supporting me in getting back to a lot of the coping tools that helped level me out when we started dating (daily music chill out no talking feel the vibrations in the walls sessions, coloring books, gardening, long walks) it will translate a lot better for him than just trying to explain All of PTSD.

This is a place for me to talk shit out as much as anything. It’s a little scattered. That’s okay. So am I right now.

Hello,
Simply Simon... I just read your post. I feel you. I too suffer from PTSD It does my heart GOOD to hear your experiences. I was so very depressed 9 months ago! But now I feel this Anger Aggression that is SUPER hard to control. I came on here to BLAST...SCREAM...VENT. But suddenly feel calm now that I am typing! Maybe the madness has pushed us to such a singled out alone, totally alone state that we NEED to just be HEARD. I find myself going on raging for hours on end to my husband. He just listens and tries not to get really sad for all that I feel. I DO NOT need to LISTEN to GOOD ideas... not yet just let me voice my aggression at various injustices in our universe...THAT MAKES ME feel better!!! Soooo F"CK YOU Stupid rules and ideas in our world that try to keep us down! Yes You, Big Brother! f*ck you and the stupidhorseyou rodein on. Keep your hands off my shit!!!! I currently live in a huge city a sprawling metropolis! SICK of it!!! Gonna for sure get the f*ck out of Cali and trade my bullshit life full of stupid stress, for 10 acres in the wilderness! Gonna dream about putting up fences with "Private Property... Do not Trespass" all over the whole f*ck;n place!!!! Anyone step foot on my land I'm gonna greet you with my shotgun over my shoulder! Look them in the eyes and say "didn't you read the signs? Now Get OFF My land!!! Maybe growl at them at bit! HA now that thought gives me real freedom!!!!

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe the madness has pushed us to such a singled out alone, totally alone state that we NEED to just be HEARD.

Incredibly well said. I can relate totally. I am currently trying to break myself from the habit of constantly attempting to be understood. It`s a damned if I do and damned it I don`t so ....

f*ck it.

Alone is better to me than surrounded by people that drive me crazy with that `what are you nuts` look on their faces.