Love/hate

[somerandomguy]

My domestic abuse had zero to do with love, and was 100 percent about control. My ex had been through CSA and raped by previous boyfriends, and didn't see any difference between her abusers and me, her husband who had never abused her. The fact that I never abused her didn't keep her from accusing me of abuse and putting me in emotionally debasing situations designed to completely break my spirit. Once she broke my spirit, she had lots of fun breaking the rest of me.

She wasn't fighting against love. I don't even know what that means. She wanted to keep me under her boot, plain and simple.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks for your thoughts @somerandomguy. I want to apologize if I sounded like I was diminishing what the abuser does in any way and I'm sure every case has its unique characteristics. It sounds like your ex was pretty messed up from past abuse, and projected her baggage unfairly on to you. Sorry you had to go through that.

What I meant by "fighting love" is that I think the bad stuff comes from love being wounded and not that it's completely absent even in the abuser. But that kind of idea might not be relevant in the way that abuse is actually experienced. I can wax poetic sometimes.

 

[somerandomguy]

I think your line of questioning is pointless, to be perfectly honest. Love is not abusive. Abuse is not love. Abusers want their victims to confuse the two, but you can't love someone and abuse them at the same time, no matter what abusers want you to think.

 

[shimmerz]

violence, power, and control are all reactions to fighting against the strongest force in the world - love. Instead of just accepting it, they want to somehow use it against their partners.

It is much easier to abuse than to love. Love takes effort. You need to give of yourself in order to truly love. Abuse is more about taking. The only reason one needs to take is because they are missing what they take from others.

 

[scout86]

The only reason one needs to take is because they are missing what they take from others.

You know, I honestly think some people do it just because, to them, it's fun. I think it's easier to understand if you makes excuses for them and speculate on how they got to where they are. We can "understand" (I guess) that a bad childhood leads to abusive behavior later on. But it doesn't ALWAYS do that. Sometimes it leads to the exact opposite. There's an interaction between events and the individual and there are choices that get made. I don't know that anyone actually knows how those choices get made.

 

[shimmerz]

some people do it just because, to them, it's fun.

Still stand with my thought on this which is that sadists are stealing the innocence of others. Something that sadists lost along the way....
Just my thoughts though.

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz , I basically agree with you. I just don't think they see any value in things like "innocence" that they don't have. I think they see those kinds of feelings as a form of weakness, to be taken advantage of, used, punished, something. I don't think empathy is something they'd want, even if it was available to them.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't think empathy is something they'd want, even if it was available to them.

Good point. Yes, I can agree with that to an extent.

I am of the mindset though that most don't steal what they don't value. I may, of course, be entirely mistaken. :-)

 

[PreciousChild]

I think your line of questioning is pointless, to be perfectly honest. Love is not abusive. Abuse is not love. Abusers want their victims to confuse the two, but you can't love someone and abuse them at the same time, no matter what abusers want you to think.

Yeah, when you put it from the perspective of the victim, my speculations might be seen as futile or even dangerous. In my defense, I'm very intellectually oriented. It was a part of my depersonalization, and now it's sometimes a way I distract from dealing with my concrete feelings. But as an intellectual question, I still do think that there might be a question worth asking there about the abuser's motivations. I personally like the idea of redemption. I like to think that in the end, that there is a kernel of humanity in everyone that can be retrieved. In my own process, I found that taking a forgiving attitude towards my parents (my abusers) actually helped me to forgive myself.

But there are probably as many motivations as there are abusers. I think you gave some good alternatives, @scout86 - there might be some people who are just sadistic, and if they do have humanity are far too gone to ever come back. I like @shimmerz's thoughts about an abuser being a void that has to fill himself or herself up by taking from others. That rings true in my ears.