Reached a point where Im Extremely concerned for the safety of others, want to report my abuser to the police. help/advice/personal experiences wanted

[Sweetleaf]

You read the thread title.

I am very concerned because he tortured me. I am pretty damn sure he was a psychopath. He regularly, frequently talked about wanting to kill people, how he'd like to do it, it was a damn near daily thing for him to fantasize out loud how he wanted to kill people, including me, my family, my CATS - MY CATS EVEN!!! That far with it. But like. He is STILL FREEE.

I haven't filed a police report yet because I was too afraid, felt like it would be too hard.

I still feel like it will be too hard - and yet I feel absolutely compelled to the core, that I -need- to f*cking report him for the safety of other people. I'm not even concerned about my own wellbeing anymore. I'm concerned for other people, he is free, I am 100% certain he will hurt innocent people in the future (if he isn't already), he is f*ckin INSANE, and it's a fact that he gets great enjoyment out of the idea of killing people, he would talk about it with outright glee. That's about the happiest he'd get, when he was motherf*cking talking about motherf*cking killing people, plural, PEOPLE!!! in motherf*cking horrifying ways

F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I cannot let that happen. I've reached a point, maybe, -I hope-, where I primarly feel anger at him, maybe? Some fear, but more a strong conviction to do something about him. In therapy I went from stuck at thinking of a gun pointing at me, to thinking about how I should have smashed his motherf*cking windpipe with my elbow one of the times I was able to get the gun from him, while trying to get the gun from him. I know that would have made it worse though. I should have f*cking shot him dead that f*cking night. He was even attacking me, trying to get me to shoot him, once the gun was mine. I know you won't believe me, but that's what happened. I got the gun, I disassembled it while being beaten savagely, while someone was trying to get me to kill them with the gun, and I f*cking just took the punishment after - but he wasn't able to get the pieces of the gun, they were flung f*cking every f*cking where.

Enough storytime. Point is, I have begun to focus on how I fought back, rather than how helpless I was - at least I think things are shifting that way. That makes me want to fight back now and do everything I possibly f*cking can to get that sack of f*cking shit literal goddamn f*cking MONSTER locked away, not even to f*cking punish him, but purely for the safety of other people. Purely out of concern for other people.

What if he is f*cking torturing someone now? What if he's killed someone? What if he tortured/killed people before me? I shouldn't even be alive right now like holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no idea how the f*ck I survived him.

But I don't want anyone else to have to go through what I did, or worse, at his hands. f*ck that. f*ck him. I want him to be permanently f*cking branded as a goddamn psycho, a f*cking nutcase, a less-than-human thing that needs to be kept locked away so everyone can be safe from it. Nothing would satisfy me more than to see him locked away.

What are my options? What are my risks? What are the potential benefits? What would be a good course of action? How do I do this without making my condition worse, or what can I do to lessen the chances of this making my condition worse?

I think that "not doing anything about it" is off the table as a viable option at this point.

I would feel very guilty, and very responsible, if he hurt anybody in the future - and I know damn well he's gonna hurt people, even though I desperately wish that I am wrong, that I am crazy, that people like him aren't f*cking real. But I know that's just wishful thinking.

He's gonna hurt people and I feel compelled to do something about it. Help.

Edit: also PLEASE give me any encouragement you're willing to throw my way.

 

[Freida]

Breath.
step one. Call a domestic violence hotline in your area. They will have counselors that can talk with you about the challenges of reporting, how restraining orders work and what the risks are to your safety. They can have a much more frank discussion with you than LE can. Plus most of them have been where you are so they understand. You will want to call a local one because laws are different in each state and sometimes in each county. Plus, if you decide to do a report they can assign a volunteer to be with you every step of the way.

Step two. Talk with your T about the impact this is having on you and work on grounding techniques for when the topic comes up. You can't help others if you are so wound up you are like a squirrel on crack when/if you talk to the police.

step three. Accept that this will take time..possibly quite a bit....to get the pieces in place. But it can be done. You just have to be smart about it. Because you know he will be. And he has had much more practice than you

Step four. Give yourself kudos for recognizing this and for your willingness to help stop him. It's not something everyone can do

there's my thoughts.....

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Freida :hug:
You are so right. I will write more of a response later. But, thank you. :hug:

edit: and yeah, I do need to step back and breathe. I'm panicking because this has hit me like all at once, since my last EMDR session. Holy hell that was the most intense session I have ever had with her.

 

[Freida]

Yep...I've had a couple like that too....where I feel like every panic button has been pushed. It's hard to get back to earth.....?

 

[Sweetleaf]

You just have to be smart about it. Because you know he will be. And he has had much more practice than you

This is the part that scares me the absolute most.

He is undeniably extremely intelligent.
He's smarter than me, I think. Maybe? Maybe I'm smarter than him since I'm f*cking alive and free of him right now? I dunno. I wanna try to be optimistic on that one as hard as I can. But. He is extremely smart, extremely good at manipulation, at acting, REALLY REALLY REALLY good at acting, lying on the spot, twisting shit, gaslighting, like, do I even need to continue? You probably get the picture.

He's dangerous as hell and f*cking with him is undeniably dangerous as hell. That scares the shit out of me, but you know what? He hasn't killed me yet, and he has f*cking tried.

He's clever and going to be fighting against this like a caged animal, but he did kind of f*ck himself over very badly in the restraining order hearing. I'm pretty sure I can obtain a recording of that, by the way. It was recorded. He admitted to doing some of the crimes. Outright. The judge was even TRYING to get him to shut up, repeatedly reminding him "this is only a restraining order hearing, since you do not object to the restraining order, you have no need to continue talking" or something like that.

He was pretty fresh from coming out of psych ward hospitalization at that point. Oh man did he manipulate those people working there.

Wonder what he did to other patients. f*ck.

Anyway. Maybe he was caught off guard by that?

Also - he isn't college educated like I am. He's very smart, but not educated. You know what I mean? I was on the debate team and stuff. Technically the "drama debate and forensics" team. I knew to make my point, say the bad things he did, at least what I could at the time, and that no more needed to be said - just the reasons why I felt I needed a protective order.

He didn't know that. I don't think he knows anything about how court shit works, like at all. I'm no pro either but like, holy hell. He was embarrassingly stupid in that hearing.

The stuff I said INFURIATED him, he started to get up and the security guard dude started moving towards him, while I was talking.

I think maybe he lost control and couldn't help but try to come up with some shit on the spot to try to cover his ass on the accusations that were just made? But he botched it. The judge was like, shaking her head, looking PISSED, but composed, if that makes sense - she did that when he was saying that he broke my ribs -accidentally-, trying to just help himself up on the bed.

In reality, he unexpectedly and suddenly SLAMMED HIS FIST into my back, insanely f*cking hard, and broke a rib doing that. Why? Because I didn't get out of his way INSTANTLY when he told me to. He was drunk. I still feel that one from time to time, and the ones from when he slammed me down with his full bodyweight onto an exposed metal corner of a bed frame. No bed to make it less horrible, straight down on the goddamn metal corner. That was around the end. When it was torture. I think when he did that - I could see it in his eyes, I think - that he was doing that because he was outright trying to f*cking kill me.. He was face to face with me, glaring into my eyes, eyes WIDE open, this twisted horrifying look of rage, glee, excitement on his face, as he was shoving me down on that f*cking metal corner as hard as he f*cking could - I don't even know how to describe it. A murderous look. I will never forget those eyes, that face, that look. Or maybe I will. I hope I can, actually. It felt like time froze completely, him staring me in the eyes, with that look. I didn't feel the pain until hours later, when he was done hurting me. He was done because he got tired, physically. He exhausted himself, hurting me.

By the way, when he stopped pushing me down on that metal corner, that he was trying to use to kill me, he said "wow! you didn't even make a noise! you didn't even react! im impressed!" with f*cking -glee-, a cheerful tone. I don't even feel sick right now. I'm not shaking. I'm not anxious. I am PISSED. Also, disgusted. At him. Not at me, for once.

Holy f*ck I wish I was crazy instead of this being real. Please tell me I'm just nuts.

That said. I feel calmer having typed this. I will go slow. I promise. I'll take my time. I'll do the right thing, call a DV hotline, get an advocate, get all the help I can possibly get - but I might need help with that. Probably gonna talk about it with my T. I think she put me in for two back to back appointments, one day then the next day, next week.

I don't wanna go flyin' off into space, though.
So hopefully writing this shit will get it out of my system and help me just, chill, focus on other things, shift into a lower gear and take things at a more reasonable pace.

It's just so hard to do though, knowing every moment that passes, could mean someone being hurt even more by him ???

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Sweetleaf - I agree with @Freida - you must be very methodical and cool when you do this. Easier said than done I understand, but you will achieve nothing by being panicked or wanting revenge. Though I don't blame you for being either.

In fact you could do yourself and possibly other's a lot of harm if you do not calm down and do it quietly and properly.

There are a lot of things to do and reporting a crime is just the beginning of the process not the end. You really need a legal advocate to sit down and spell out the process before you begin. It is definitely a marathon and might take many years to resolve. Are you willing to have this matter hanging over you for up to a decade? Once you report it and an investigation commences you have no say in how it is conducted. You have to know and understand that the law is extremely slow even when working well.

You are 100% correct about the possibility that he may fight like hell to avoid the charges sticking. Any decent defence lawyer and judge will ensure the bastard gets a 'fair' hearing and a proper & adequate defence. It's the system so you need to understand this and accept it.

How long ago was the trauma you talk of ^^ ? How long ago was the hearing regarding the Order you speak of ^^?

A respondent admitting things in one Court doesn't necessarily provide proof to substantiate a charge in another. But it would not hurt to inform the investigating officer that this evidence exists.

You also need to be careful about any further statements you make here and in other places, to other people and online. If you describe something that happened one way (eg here) and describe it slightly differently in another place, online or otherwise or to another person, the defence will exploit the difference if they become aware of it.

For now you need to discuss your intention to proceed with your loved ones and your doctors and T. You are going to need all of them to help support you through this.

And of course we will support you as you go along. :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Another vote in support of the tips @Freida set out.

The only thing I’d add, is have a think about your motivation, and use your T to help you with running some cold hard reality over things. Reporting an abuser can be a really liberating experience, and can definitely be a fantastic step forward in your recovery.

But I’m going to temper that by saying: in most places, most people have an either underwhelming, or flat out re-traumatising experience when they report abuse.

Making the report can be an empowering act in itself, because you’re treating yourself like you deserve justice, and like you have control over your life now. But that’s often where the empowerment ends in the process.

Once you’ve reported an abuser, what happens next, and the way things pan out? Is pretty much out of your control. The outcome becomes dependent on systems, processes and institutions that you have no control over.

Certainly for me? It was important for me to keep my reasons for reporting about me, not about my abuser. Because I can’t control whether anything happens to him - I can only control the fact that I’ve reported him. The process is slow, stressful, and completely out of my hands, so if my reasons for reporting him were because of him (eg. he deserves it), that’s not helpful.

Reporting out of panic for other victims? Is incredibly noble, but again, if you aren’t doing this just because you deserve it? If you need him to be stopped? What happens if things don’t work out?

Your reason for reporting? Needs to be something that you can have clear in your mind (or your T’s mind, so your T can remind you!) because when the process becomes stressful, scary or traumatic? You can remind yourself why you made the choice you did. That’s been crucial for me coping with the stress: I did this for me because...

Don’t want to dissuade you, because even without getting justice? Reporting my abuser on my own behalf, because I deserved that? Has been incredibly powerful for me.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I could write so much in response but. I am gonna try to make it shorter.

I totally agree with all of you on all points.

I want to add - my grandpa was a police sergeant, not going to name the state or precise location, for privacy, but it was on the east coast.

I know not to report crimes, talk to police, without proper legal representation and assistance. I also studied history, as my minor, and I understand my constitutional rights, having had to memorize all of that, in regards to their historical contexts.

I definitely respect and admire the shit out of police, and the ones around here are particularly nice, really great experiences every time I've had experiences with them. But I know that while I'm gonna always be respectful and polite with them, and as calm as I can - I also need to keep my rights in mind and keep my mouth shut aside from politely explaining that I would prefer discussing the matter with a lawyer first, whatever the matter may be.

Please.
Rest assured.
I will not panic and go report stuff on my own like a loose cannon.
I will panic privately in the safety of my own home, to nobody but myself. I will come to you guys and cry and beg for help to get through this, I will work with my therapist, and at home I will just cry it out when I have to, and try to use coping mechanisms and chill. I need like, a distraction or something. I wanna take a break from all this shit :( - I wish I could just have a break from my mental health problems, from my trauma being a thing - as always, wishing it would all just go away.

For the time being. No impulse decisions. Nothing.

I'm going to try to focus on my joint pain and fixing that- would that be a good idea? Would it be a good idea to talk to my T about doing less trauma work for a bit, and kinda just, letting me chill out, stabilize, calm down, rest, etc.? I have other things we could focus on. We could focus on LGBT stuff, or like, coping mechanisms and calming my ass the f*ck down.

I have been going full bore gung ho f*ckin' like, trying to tackle my PTSD ever since it started, with periods of denial and such, but mostly just trying to get the hell past this and move on with my life.

My pdoc/t appreciates this, thinks that it makes me a good patient, because it is so important to be willing to do the work to heal, to actually want to do the work to heal. But she has been warning me to not take things too fast, to not push myself too hard.

So have all of you, or at least like, many people on this forum, in multiple different threads, on many occasions.

Lesson learned. I need to slow the f*ck down. Hard.

What I really need now is not to report him.

I think I need to get it through my skull, into my brain, that it is -NOT- my fault, that it is not on me, if he hurts people. Also @Sideways you are so right. I need to be doing this for me. I need to be okay with it going wrong.

I don't want to lose my concern for others. But I need to be able to at least handle that concern without feeling responsible for him being a psycho and free, out in the open. I need to be okay with it going wrong and him -not- being put away for the safety of others. I need to make sure that I will be okay with that.

Again please guys, don't worry. I will not do anything stupid. I'm just kinda, sitting here, trying to get through this REALLY rough patch right now.

Edit:

How long ago was the trauma you talk of ^^ ? How long ago was the hearing regarding the Order you speak of ^^?

Forgot to answer this.

The trauma took place approximately over the course of around about 4 years, ramping up in severity as it went on. Naturally, the very beginning wasn't traumatic. It was just the manipulation, the trickery, him ensnaring me in his trap, so to say. As it progressed, it got worse. Kinda exponentially. Slow at first, then much faster towards the end. The very worst shit was towards the end. The stuff that is 11/10 on the suffering scale or whatever its called.

The trauma ended approximately 9 months ago, the hearing was about 8 months ago, less than that but, effectively like 1.5 months from end of trauma to the restraining order, if I am doing math right. So like. Not all that long ago.

There is no statute of limitations for much of what he did, in my state. Dunno if that matters. Also, for other things, the statute of limitations is like, years. IIRC ranging from like 5 to 20 or something like that. I would need to look it up again. I just know I looked it up and went "whew, I have some time to decide" last time I wanted to report him.

Edit 2:
Sorry for 2 edits but, I also want to add that I was granted a temporary protective order -the very day after it ended-

Don't know if that matters.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think it is really good that you wish to report the perpetrator for his offending against you.

Please understand and accept that you are not responsible for whatever this man does whether you report him or not. It is very easy to think you are but it's not true. You have no obligation legal or moral to tell anyone. I know this sounds harsh but it is true.

I think it would be good if you could ask your T to assist you with some strong calming techniques and perhaps slowed down on the trauma work for a while. If there are other areas you need assistance with maybe that would be a good alternative for you. Idk Your T will be able to guide you with what is best.

I think it is really good you have such a supportive T . You could ask your T if they are intending on sticking around to help support you with all of the ugly legal stuff that will inevitably drive you nuts.

You do sound like you are having a terrible rough patch atm. What tools do you have for calming yourself down now...I mean right now?

 

[Sweetleaf]

You do sound like you are having a terrible rough patch atm. What tools do you have for calming yourself down now...I mean right now?

I am :( like holy f*ck.
I can tell I'm not writing like normal, too. You know? I'm like, all over the place.

f*ck. Okay.

It's hard to remember coping strategies when in the midst of stuff like this.
My main distraction - playing music - is impossible because right now, basically every single one of my finger joints feels f*cked up and hurts to some degree, I mean shit liike I f*cking hurt everywhere. But the joint pain is very concerning. It also removes the most distracting thing from my life.

I can do yoga. I can pet my cats. I would try using the stationary bicycle thingy we have but my knees hurt and my toe knuckles hurt and I don't wanna f*ck anything up. I'm going to an orthopedic clinic tomorrow, the one I went to after the trauma ended for my messed up knees.

I can try to play video games and stuff. Plague inc is very low impact on my fingers but requires a lot of quick reactions to click bubbles, pause the game at the right moments, adjust the speed, mutate at the right times, etc. (which could help keep my attention on it).

I could listen to music, though that always gives me the itch to play, an itch I can't scratch right now.

My main degree is in language - maybe I could try learning a new language or brushing up on my german/russian/spanish? Or brushing up on my international phonetic alphabet pronunciation skills. I found my linguistics textbooks the other day. I could just, go through that shit maybe? Linguistics is definitely not triggering, and it's something I'm good with, a subject I truly enjoy.

Oh I also found my spanish and russian textbooks. Learning french would be cool though.

When my trauma ended I started trying to learn Japanese but got frustrated because of duolingo's approach, which seems to cater more to first-time second language learners, than people who have a degree in language. I would need the resources to learn it. Would be great to learn a non indo-european language though, considering I only know indo-european languages.

Latin would be cool too, even though it does not have the practicality of a language like Spanish or French, or like... a living language. Latin is still a really important language, that said.

Is utterly geeking out on everything I'm a total nerd about, a good idea?

 

[blackemerald1]

Is utterly geeking out on everything I'm a total nerd about, a good idea?

Yep - it's really a very good idea.

I think you should try and do just that. Use what you know, are passionate about and enjoy doing to slow your brain, give it something else to focus on, mobilise it to do something you love doing and that isn't anything to do with your trauma. Yes if that is learning another language I'd suggest you do that. :hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

Thank you all so much for the help. I'm feeling calmer from having discussed this stuff.

I'll try to do the language learning thing, I think. I've been having the itch for a while anyway.

I just need to pick a language >.< lmao. Decisions are hard when you have way too many choices lol.