Sexual Assault Lost/fragmented memory recovery? Did you get them back?

[brokenpony]

have you recovered blocked memories from a traumatic event? please note that i am asking about a fragmented event that i have always remembered in parts, not a totally repressed memory i don’t know exists, as the situations are a little different.

i have an incomplete memory of a sexually abusive experience from 15 y/o (note, i’m 34 now) and i’m wondering if anyone who has “lost” a portion of an event has recovered it and if there are any suggestions for recovering, or if it’s just about time and chance. i know i was definitely very stoned during this experience, so not all there. i also know that at one point 5 years later i referred to it in a journal as “the sexual assault” (assuming this is the event i was talking about...as i don’t think there was another possibility before that entry). but i can’t remember so much of what happened between me and this person. a friend of mine was there, and when i asked her about it recently she said the night is very fragmented and hazy for her too, that she doesn’t remember much.

i am almost positive i gave this person a bj. i really want to recover the rest of the night for closure, even if it’s painful. but i worry it’s gone, or maybe that i passed out or we were drugged, as my friend barely remembers anything, just that we were really really high and that i was making out with this man. i remember going past making out to hj—this is very vivid—and that he asked me to “kiss it,” and i didn’t want to but i did. i have had it in my head that i gave him a bj because he asked. but it’s all blacked out after i kissed it. for a long time i was averse to giving them, just disgusted by the thought, which supports this. but i just can’t find the memory past a certain point. it’s blackout until the morning. this would have been my first real sexual encounter, and with a 30 year old man, so it should be memorable... has this happened to you, where you feel like something happened but aren’t sure because the memory isn’t there, and then the missing pieces somehow come back together?

**sorry, i just saw that tw aren't necessary or really welcome here but i can't figure out how to edit it out of my post.

 

[Freida]

finding "more" to the memories you have is pretty common I think. I know I've found lots of things I could have lived without knowing - but had to fill in the blanks to continue to heal. And there have been some that I had no idea about -- just like a big POOF! and there they were

Its something your T should be able to walk you through -- they usually expect it to happen

 

[brokenpony]

finding "more" to the memories you have is pretty common I think. I know I've found lots of things I could have lived without knowing - but had to fill in the blanks to continue to heal. And there have been some that I had no idea about -- just like a big POOF! and there they were

Its something your T should be able to walk you through -- they usually expect it to happen

thanks, i hope he can help. i am just concerned this memory won't come up ever, and so i will never properly process what happened that night. i've tried different ways to force it out without luck. i think at the time i brushed it off, felt strange but weirdly 'special' to have been targeted by this creep, yet this night and another event with this man have for whatever reason been floating at the front of my consciousness for 19 years. it was so long ago and i've had several consensual sexual partners, been raped as an adult, and been coerced for nearly 15 years into extremely painful PIV sex by an abusive husband, and yet i can't just stop thinking about this person frequently, no matter how hard i try. he often comes up when i masturbate whether i want him to or not. i'm sure part of it is that this was a formative sexual experience, given that i was 15 and obviously not ready for whatever this was, but it's not like we all think about our first major sexual experience constantly at 34. it's disturbing. i want it gone. i think a major part of the reason is that it is blacked out.

 

[EveHarrington]

...I’m concerned that you’re posting about trying to stay afloat and not drown while your therapist is away.....AND asking about how to force memories. This sounds like a kamikaze mission IMHO.

 

[brokenpony]

...I’m concerned that you’re posting about trying to stay afloat and not drown while your therapist is away.....AND asking about how to force memories. This sounds like a kamikaze mission IMHO.

you're very right, i need to stop thinking about all this right now. i'm an obsessive thinker and it is an issue for me. it's probably the thing i should ask the substitute therapist to help me with because i haven't figured out how to stop fixating and compartmentalize. i try to do the grounding and mindfulness exercises but i am not very good at it.

 

[ILoveLife]

For me they arrive when I'm calm and strong to face them. Sometimes it's just getting out of denial, other times it's a full memory.

And I don't see it as work, more like a consequence of the work I do in therapy and alone..

Writing a trauma diary here helped a lot in storing my memories and fragments of memories in their labeled drawers, so to speak, so they don't bother me as much, nor am I too conflicted about them at the moment.
But, I agree T helped with that.

 

[Freida]

Don't try to force them....That may backfire. They may be waiting for you to get some better coping tools in place before they pop up

 

[Sideways]

There are a stack of different reasons that our brain isn’t giving us coscious access to a memory. Memories get stored in different ways, and our memory can be impacted at the time of storage (for example, if you were high, or stressed, or distracted, or...etc) as well as at later times (including from unrelated physiological health issues, medication, etc etc). And our ability to access memory can vary depending on completely unrelated issues going on externally to us.

Whether or not there’s ‘something’ to remember? Is unknown, let alone whether that something is good/bad/traumatic. What we do know is that if we push our brain for answers or explanations, our brain will give us a ‘best guess’ response, which may not be from accurate memory. That’s the reason folks tend to recommend leaving the digging around to a T who knows what they’re doing - if we go digging ourselves, our brain will give us an answer, but not necessarily an accurate one. There are ways that Ts have to tease out memories (assuming there’s a memory stored somewhere in the first place), but it has to be done in a really skilled way if you want the memory to be reliable.

For example, decided that there’s ‘something’ to remember, you’ve already given your brain cues as to what sort of memory you’re looking for. You have reached conclusions about what you think you should remember. Your brain also has a whole lot of information about the types of things that could have happened and the likelihood of different scenarios. Brain also has information about your current cognitive state, and the motivations you have for looking for answers. So if you push, it doesn’t take much for your brain to decide “well it’s probably something like...” when it factors in all of those different types of data.

That process goes on completely subconsciously. Much like optical illusions, we aren’t always aware that our brain is problem solving (or guessing!), let alone whether it’s given us accurate information.

If the memory has been stored, and will some day be available to your conscious recall, there is a reason why your brain isn’t giving you access to that memory right now. If there’s something there to remember at all? Your brain has decided that keeping the memory from you is currently in your best interest. Trust your brain. It’s good at what it does:)

Also take a breath and try to be okay with the prospect that you may never remember. Sometimes we just don’t remember, for an infinite number of reasons. And that’s okay. You can still recover without having all those answers.

 

[brokenpony]

Whether or not there’s ‘something’ to remember? Is unknown, let alone whether that something is good/bad/traumatic. What we do know is that if we push our brain for answers or explanations, our brain will give us a ‘best guess’ response, which may not be from accurate memory. That’s the reason folks tend to recommend leaving the digging around to a T who knows what they’re doing - if we go digging ourselves, our brain will give us an answer, but not necessarily an accurate one. There are ways that Ts have to tease out memories (assuming there’s a memory stored somewhere in the first place), but it has to be done in a really skilled way if you want the memory to be reliable.

this is so helpful, thanks. i know i need to just wait. and maybe my therapist won't bring anything out. i think i'm just tired of this person constantly showing up in my brain uninvited so many years later, and then having these same two memories with him replay in my head without being able to see any farther. in the first remembered event with this person, i know exactly what happened. and in other events like this from my life, i know exactly what happened, even if i don't remember the exact moments in detail. but this night is different, where it intuitively feels like there is something on the tip of the tongue, so to speak. at any rate, i may never find out if that's true and i'm not going to get anywhere this way. i appreciate your advice.

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s possible to process and move forward without complete memories. It’s very common to not remember the entire traumatizing event.

For now I’d focus on coping skills. I know it’s difficult when your mind has a mind of its own (ha) and the thoughts just won’t stop. :hug: