Childhood trauma C-PTSD non attachment - can you form a lasting intimate relationship with CPTSD?

[68philly]

Has there been anyone diginoised with C-PTSD and been able to form a lasting intimate relationship..it sounds like it is almost impossible.

 

[Abstract]

Hi and welcome.
I believe their are even though no one has answered. I guess it is usually complicated? Do you rather want to discuss your situation as people may be better able to answer in that case. Are you the one with PTSD and complex trauma?

 

[68philly]

Hi and welcome.
I believe their are even though no one has answered. I guess it is usually complicated? Do you rather want to discuss your situation as people may be better able to answer in that case. Are you the one with PTSD and complex trauma?

No it is my boyfriend he was mentally and physically abused by his mother from the time he can remember. ..He went to classes after he met me to try and help he knew things were not right with him and that's when he was diagnosed...he feels it made it worse..He wants a strong long lasting relationship but when he feels it getting to close he bolts ...He doesn't totally ghost me we still text..but I think for him to see me is hard because his anxiety rises...it is so tragic..He says his mother ruined him for realatonships..I know he does not want to hurt me..does not mean to...I love him and think of all the wonderful times we have had he is such a good man...but never learned how to attach to others...He is okay with his daughter and brothers and sister but can't seem to deal with a one on one intimate relationship..I feel hopeless.ike there is nothing I can do...He has never told me it is over...but I think he is so scared of hurting me...He broke the cycle and was never abusive to his daughter who is now an adult...but he feels he is damaged goods.
Thank you so much for responding

 

[Abstract]

Ah, I can see how heartbreaking that must be for you. And him. I am sorry. I would love to say its likely to be just fine soon but in reality, from what you say, it would probably be a long process. When the closest people to us have harmed us then unfortunately harm and closeness can get associated with each other. In my experience this becomes much more or less intense as my PTSD symptoms become more or less intense. My PTSD symptoms are down at present and that does affect how I perceive things and react. However, people without PTSD can develop attachment disorders or difficulties and I guess its hard to know how all would be for him if his symptoms were under control.

Not everyone with complex trauma ends up with associated harm and intimacy but its not uncommon. Some of it is down to the type of trauma and the individuals personality. Sometimes hypervigilance symptoms alone in PTSD can mean intimacy is too much when symptomatic. Even if they don't have a history of harm from someone close.

It might be that things will improve with him getting treatment (initially treatment usually makes it worse) but there is no way of knowing for sure. As much space as you can bear at present is probably the best thing while you both work this out.

 

[68philly]

Thank you so much for the insight

 

[68philly]

Ah, I can see how heartbreaking that must be for you. And him. I am sorry. I would love to say its likely to be just fine soon but in reality, from what you say, it would probably be a long process. When the closest people to us have harmed us then unfortunately harm and closeness can get associated with each other. In my experience this becomes much more or less intense as my PTSD symptoms become more or less intense. My PTSD symptoms are down at present and that does affect how I perceive things and react. However, people without PTSD can develop attachment disorders or difficulties and I guess its hard to know how all would be for him if his symptoms were under control.

Not everyone with complex trauma ends up with associated harm and intimacy but its not uncommon. Some of it is down to the type of trauma and the individuals personality. Sometimes hypervigilance symptoms alone in PTSD can mean intimacy is too much when symptomatic. Even if they don't have a history of harm from someone close.

It might be that things will improve with him getting treatment (initially treatment usually makes it worse) but there is no way of knowing for sure. As much space as you can bear at present is probably the best thing while you both work this out.

Can I ask you that when your PTSD symptoms become more intense is it easier to control when your around people you don't see very often..and harder to keep them at bay when you are around people that you see often or that you have a close relationship with?
He seems to be able to go play cards for a couple hours with friends and have a nice time..is this maybe because there are no expectations from them?

 

[EveHarrington]

Intimate relationships are ALWAYS more stressful than casual ones.

Partners have all kinds of expectations and demands while friends accept us as we are.

 

[shimmerz]

I think the biggest thing for me with intimate relationships is my being healthy enough to pick the right person. Watching to make sure I maintain my autonomy (which will be much easier without little kids to care for). Taking my time. Making sure I am not 'in trouble' and therefore needing 'protection' or whatever.

I think much of that has been cleared up for me. Still no longer interested in any type of intimate relationship. I am happy with just me.

But no, with trauma stuff floating around the way it was before with me, I absolutely was not able to support an intimate relationship.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Partners have all kinds of expectations and demands while friends accept us as we are.

It's more that relationships require participation.

Friendships aren't intimate. Intimacy takes work.

There is a reason why a lot of people call their significant others their "partners". It takes effort. You have to be vulnerable and exposed to have that level of intimacy. You have to trust your partner won't hurt you, and you have to respect the trust your partner places in you. You're building a life together. You don't have that dynamic in a friendship. It's work dealing with another person's issues, quirks, and habits in an extremely close emotional and physical setting... and everybody has issues, quirks, and habits. If one person can't manage that, then the relationship isn't going to fly. Intimacy doesn't work if one person has their heart exposed on a platter and the other is sitting behind a brick wall. One person cannot put in all the emotional heavy lifting and make it work if the other won't pull their own weight, or even put in the effort. This is just a universal truth for everybody, no matter their mental health status.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there is 'intimacy' (not speaking sexually, that is one part, bodies are one part but hearts are another) between people in relationships of worth, be they family, friends or partners; that being: intimacy as regards trust(ing), disclosure, having each other's backs, sensitivity, being upfront/ honest, not harming one another. That can itself be a trigger. Trust and triggers are the worst (for me), and cognitive distortions since childhood.

Most of all friends who are more acquaintances, or who's expectation of (my) behaviour or care for me is low, or who know little of the real me or my situation, are easier to be around when mid-level or low-level symptomatic. Because it's a bit of a front or facade (by me), still true but I hide a lot. It's harder to hide from people who know more and actually care at some level about my welfare. Highly symptomatic it is difficult for me, and I'm sure for others to be around me. It is very hard for me not to run away entirely when highly symptomatic.

I'm sure it's an individual basis but yes, I would say intimacy is possible. But takes a lot of time, and a lot of patience and forgiveness, and sometimes fall-out follows (negative), and I try again or give up trying entirely or remove myself, and it has to take a leap of faith (and especially not just trying to over-ride it with maladaptive coping mechanisms). And of course there could be other baggage, or wounds, for anyone. Well, everyone has wounds.

JMHO though.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

It's more that relationships require participation.

Friendships aren't intimate. Intimacy takes work.

There is a reason why a lot of people call their significant others their "partners". It takes effort. You have to be vulnerable and exposed to have that level of intimacy. You have to trust your partner won't hurt you, and you have to respect the trust your partner places in you. You're building a life together. You don't have that dynamic in a friendship. It's work dealing with another person's issues, quirks, and habits in an extremely close emotional and physical setting... and everybody has issues, quirks, and habits. If one person can't manage that, then the relationship isn't going to fly. Intimacy doesn't work if one person has their heart exposed on a platter and the other is sitting behind a brick wall. One person cannot put in all the emotional heavy lifting and make it work if the other won't pull their own weight, or even put in the effort. This is just a universal truth for everybody, no matter their mental health status.

My view isn't wrong. You just don't see things from my side.

 

[Sweetpea76]

And you don't see things from mine. That doesn't make me wrong either.