Wanting to die

[cherileisman]

@whiteraven, for many, many longs months I fell asleep hoping to never wake up again, but I always did. Mark Twain once said there are only two important days in your life: the day you are born and the day you find out why, and for me at least, I'm still waiting for that day to show itself. Your day is coming, you just need to start sweeking it out and maybe then one day this will all make sense. Peace be with you, sending you some good vibes!

 

[Survivor3]

I've been there myself and it's awful but you have to try and kick those thoughts out of your head. Make a list of things you can enjoy and try and think about positive thought patterns. The more you practice it the more your spirits will be lifted. If something isn't working for you then change it. Reach out to people and maybe professional help. Do everything you can too improve your quality of life and make goals.
I hope you can get through this because you deserve too enjoy life as much as possible.

 

[Deanna]

I don't even know how to respond to this. Just a suggestion: Don't try shaming people into feeling better. It really only makes us feel worse.

Not trying to shame..

 

[grit]

Now that I am sort of peeking out of dissociation, I sometimes ask myself why did not I just kill myself when I was a teenager and was being assaulted by my mother (with my hands tied)? Why did I stay? I did not die physically but I died psychologically and now just now I am waking up with some serious pain but I want to see what else is there that I missed and I have no time left really...

So Whiteraven, you are brave to even put those words into writing and even have some little dark humor responses here and there even though I think you probably did not think you made some people chuckle. you are fine. We are all born and we all die. I hope you experienced and experience recently some love and life's light. and I hope you have another set of experience again tomorrow.
I do not know anything about you but I was drawn to your post and that says you have something to offer to those like you.

Just hold on for another day please.

 

[Surefoot]

Whiteraven, I can confirm Anthony's statement. I was just writing yesterday how I am so grateful that all my attempts at ending my life were unsuccessful. I can look back over the 40-50 years since those legitimate attempts and I have managed to get through what was mostly really dark days and years. I have come through the other side and am now quite at peace. Yeah I still see the darkness and remember the pain but they don't own or define me. Life CAN get better with the right support and a determination to keep going. This is not a one size fits all solution, but there is hope. I think of the joy I now enjoy and I could not even envision the possibility from my previous perspective of darkness (which lasted nearly 50 years).
There is a better place and you can get there!
Surefoot

 

[shimmerz]

Idk, I dropped into this feeling really hard last year. I had it all set really. I had had enough. Truly. There was absolutely no chance of a better life.

It was the loss of hope that did it for me. I was so frozen in trauma and it just kept repeating and repeating and repeating itself.

Shitty as it sounds; cliche as it sounds, the thing is nobody was going to go looking for hope for me. I was the responsible party in that one.

I notice the more I move my body - the healthier I am. Do you have schedules/plans made for your days to help pull you out of this feeling?

 

[mamachick]

So true shimmerz-I did the same. I had to push really hard to make myself do just one thing....I had got to the point of isolating even though I know its the wrong thing to do.

 

[Deanna]

Idk, I dropped into this feeling really hard last year. I had it all set really. I had had enough. Truly. There was absolutely no chance of a better life.

It was the loss of hope that did it for me. I was so frozen in trauma and it just kept repeating and repeating and repeating itself.

Shitty as it sounds; cliche as it sounds, the thing is nobody was going to go looking for hope for me. I was the responsible party in that one.

I notice the more I move my body - the healthier I am. Do you have schedules/plans made for your days to help pull you out of this feeling?

I know.. I have to be moving all time. Always have. At night, it's the treadmill. ( I guess my body remembers too much- The Body keeps the score)

So true shimmerz-I did the same. I had to push really hard to make myself do just one thing....I had got to the point of isolating even though I know its the wrong thing to do.

Yep. baby steps. Me too.

 

[Kopykat]

I can understand how you feel. I can go into dark moods where I just am like “I should just die, seriously what’s the point it’s been a long time”. And I can think of a bunch of reasons why I should and shouldn’t. Ultimately I think I just want the pain to stop. The thoughts, feelings, general overall crappiness. I’ve gone as far as planning my funeral but then I realized I don’t really have the money and somehow my funeral turned more into a weird party. Maybe sometimes it’s helpful to just let your brain go to those places as long as you don’t linger and don’t act on it. That’s just what I think. I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time right now.

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you, @Kopykat.

Do you have schedules/plans made for your days to help pull you out of this feeling?

Each day is planned out. I work full-time, do qi gong most mornings and evenings. set aside time for myself. Play with my cats. Read sometimes. I'm in a certificate program to do energy work with animals.

None of it seems to matter. I *do* but I feel like I'm only *doing* to fill up the time between now and when I die.

Shitty as it sounds; cliche as it sounds, the thing is nobody was going to go looking for hope for me. I

I've been doing nothing BUT looking for hope.

 

[shimmerz]

I've been doing nothing BUT looking for hope.

Yes, thanks for putting that into words. I think I was just so tired of looking. Or lost hope in what I thought my idea of hope was. Or felt there was no other place TO look.

I get it. In my own way.

 

[ms spock]

Wow you are doing a lot @whiteraven! Kudos to you!

I am barracking for you.

I am not there now but I have been where you are living right now, and I do really feel for you.

I had a friend kill herself recently and I am reeling from that.

I really hope you can keep reaching out and talking to us all on the forum. I know I am an online person but I do care.