Hopefloats86
New Here
I don’t know if you will ever get this, and I hope you do but in reality I don’t care one way or thee other. I just have to get this off my chest and sometimes writing it all down helps to ease the tightness I begin to feel. Today I am 31 years old with 2 beautiful amazing children and married to a man that is a true soldier and has stuck by my side through all my highs and lows. He truly was sent to me to rescue me.
Okay, so that’s my present and I try not to live in the past bc I do not want my car accident to define me as a person. Some days are easier than others and tonight is one of those difficult nights. I was an honor role student. I never received my first B until middle school and I cried lol. I was a cheerleader from 3rd grade on. I played softball volleyball and tried basketball but I was not cut out to run down a court lol. The summer going into my 8th grade year, I went to my elementary school in my cheer uniform to talk to my past teachers I had to wait inside the double doors until I was buzzed in and there were several people waiting, but one particular boy caught my eye. I mean like dead in my tracks heart fluttering humongous crush lol. Obviously I caught his eye as well bc he started chit chat about a stray cat. He introduced himself and that was that. School started that fall and I had a note in my locker one day. It was from the hottie I saw over the summer. He had his cousin that was in my grade drop it off to me bc He was a sophomore. Omg. An older boy liked me and I wasn’t even allowed to date. His number was on the note and he asked me to call him. Well the first phone call led into many phone calls to the point where we would fall asleep talking to each other every single night. We never hung out in person that year. Freshman Summer rolled around. And he asked me out. He wanted to take me to a haunted house. I am a huge chicken FYI lol. So on sweetest day my parents finally agreed to let me go. Justin showed up to my house with a single rose and sweetest day card and introduced himself to my dad and was not intimidated one bit what so ever by my big burly hillbilly daddy. Before we left on our double date dad told justin to be careful with his baby bc I was his million dollar daughter. Mind you I have an older sister that had a baby at 15 and dropped out of school and a younger brother that was following in her footsteps so dad was super protective over me. The date was amazing. That night I had my first real kiss. And that date lead into many other dates and hanging out at his family. For some reason he never wanted to come to my house. That same year he came to school with a busted lip and a black eye. Justin’s family was abusive to him and his parents were separated and he had 2 sisters they were all drug addicts. His mom was a heroin addict that only saw him seldomly. He lived with his dad and step mom who were pill addicts and beat him if he didn’t work And pay his own way. His sister Amy used him and Brandi was 3 sheets to the wind always. My mom finally talked my dad into letting him come stay with us. We dated for almost 5 years. He graduated and started working more started going out with his buddies and we started bickering and arguing the way any high school sweet hearts would. Well I found out he had cheated on me and was experimenting around with drugs. I wanted no part of that so I broke up with him. On my birthday my dad And justin went to bass pro. I was devastated. How could my dad not celebrate with me? Come to find out he was trying to talk to justin like a son and talk some sense into him.
One evening on the way home from a football game my mom was borrowing my uncle truck and she was taking one of my girlfriends home that cheered with me. Back then we did not have to wear seat belts lol. Well we dropped roxi off at home and started on our way home when mom rounded the corner on Main Street I slid Against the door bc I was in my polyester cheer uniform and the seats were leather. I hit the door and it flew open. I grabbed ahold of the window frame up at the top screaming at her I couldn’t hold on. Next thing you know I did 7 or 8 Sommersaults straight to the head down Main Street. Mom was in mere shock bc she continued driving for a split second until she stopped hopped out of the truck with her hands on her hips saying,” DONT TELL ME YOU JUST FELL OUT OF THIS TRUCK, GET UP OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!” lol we can laugh about it today about her reaction but at that moment me being the lifeguard I was and knowing first response I gently explained to my mommy that I needed my body suit out of my cheer bag for compression on my head and someone needed to call 911 bc I was starting to black out. By coincidence justin’s sister Amy was the one that called. By the time I got to the hospital justin was there. Crying kissing me caressing my face apologizing and confessing his Undying love for me. We started dating again for several months until I saw him snort a pill at a party one night. This time we separated for nearly 6 months. Right after Christmas I had an urge to see him. This is now my junior year of high school. Of course we hit it right off and everything was perfect. I cannot explain how amazing it was. Justin proposed to me on Valentine’s Day with a stuffed bear. The ring was around the bears neck. I was pregnant. We would marry on my 18th birthday Which was November 16th 2004.
We never made it past valentines weekend bc after we left my house that Sunday night February 14th, we were in a one car fatality. He lost control after hitting a pot hole and we tboned a tree into my passenger door. I never blacked out once I remember the sounds the smells and justin’s breathing. It still haunts me to this day when I close my eyes. You see neither of us were wearing our seatbelts, they say if he had been he may not of hit The steering wheel and torn his aeorta. He bled out within 5 minutes drowning in his own blood. Me on the other hand had I worn my seat belt the seat would not of broken and sent my upper body into the hatch back of his Honda Civic CRX. When the tree hit my door my seat snapped but sent my lower body slingshotting across the car. I was wrapped up like a pretzel, the gear shift went through my right lower leg the console stopped my body from going into the driver side which crushed my hips pelvis And my tail bone. I shattered everything on my left side had severe brain bleeding and I lost the baby. They pulled him from the vehicle first bc I was responsive. They called in 2 helicopters but called one away. They had justin on the ground performing CPR, but for some reason god protected my mind against knowing he was dead, bc I kept thinking I must be the bad one since they are taking him by ambulance. I will not spare every detail of the long road I had but I will tell you I was Thought to be paralyzed, I was on life support for 38 days, they had me in induced a coma and I wouldn’t come out of it. I missed his funeral which was a mess I guess bc he didn’t have life insurance so the entire town came together to help donate for his plot etc. he was only 19 getting ready to turn 20 in July. Several bitter people wrote mean things in the news papers about him, saying how the families were benefiting off of his death. I miss all of that bc I was nearly dead. On the 38th Night mom n dad signed the papers to have me trachea they went home and said prayers and by 4am a nurse called mom and told her I was waking up. I had to learn to retalk reeat redrink rewrite, I was an infant starting all over again. Everyday I was waiting for justin to walk through the door. It was not real to me. I was released from the hospital in September when I developed staph and had to go back. I had missed so much school. I was out in time for homecoming where I was nominated Homecoming queen. I tried with all my might to keep going on with my life. I had such a supportive school and community. They had to shit down the school the first week of the accident bc sooo many kids were signing out to come see me. But I was sooo desperate to die bc I missed my soulmate so much. I tried to commit suicide several times. With 2 months left of my senior year I began partying skipping out on school lying to my parents I wanted to numb the pain. I dropped out of school. I ran away to Indiana where I had cousins and I have been here since. I eventually paid the book cost and they mailed me the last 2 credits I needed to graduate and I actually got my high school diploma just a year later than what I would have had originally. But I never got to walk across that stage and that was a goal after all I went through.
I was told I would never be able to conceive children let alone carry them where I had broke all 4 pelvis bones and I have 2 amazing children to Tell the world about. My First born did nearly kill me though I hemorrhaged and had to have 4 transfusions. Okay anyways I have told u enough. I just thought I would share with you what I went through bc I just yesterday heard your song saving Amy. I swear it was written about me. Thank you Brantley. You touched my soul with that song and I cannot tell the world loud enough!!!! I want to inspire people the way you do and I have not found my ticket yet but when I do. I would love to sit And talk to you about what inspired you to write this song. Xoxo Oh yeah, I forgot after all my doctor bills and helicopter flight and everything my bills totaled up to $980,000. So my dad still jokes that I am his million dollar baby
I don't know if I will ever be able to get over it. My biggest fear is that I'm going to let this darkness consume me so deeply that I am going to become selfish and take my own life to escape the past that seems to haunt me bc I am not strong enough to deal with what is front of me. I can't deal with the hardships that are thrown at me on a daily basis that most people usually just shrug off. I feel heavily burdened. And it is crushing me and I am suffocating. The anxiety has gotten 100% worse. I can't concentrate and I'm continually questioning my existence. Why was I left here. I feel like I am just a failure and burden everyone and everything around me. There is nothing left of myself to give to anyone
Okay, so that’s my present and I try not to live in the past bc I do not want my car accident to define me as a person. Some days are easier than others and tonight is one of those difficult nights. I was an honor role student. I never received my first B until middle school and I cried lol. I was a cheerleader from 3rd grade on. I played softball volleyball and tried basketball but I was not cut out to run down a court lol. The summer going into my 8th grade year, I went to my elementary school in my cheer uniform to talk to my past teachers I had to wait inside the double doors until I was buzzed in and there were several people waiting, but one particular boy caught my eye. I mean like dead in my tracks heart fluttering humongous crush lol. Obviously I caught his eye as well bc he started chit chat about a stray cat. He introduced himself and that was that. School started that fall and I had a note in my locker one day. It was from the hottie I saw over the summer. He had his cousin that was in my grade drop it off to me bc He was a sophomore. Omg. An older boy liked me and I wasn’t even allowed to date. His number was on the note and he asked me to call him. Well the first phone call led into many phone calls to the point where we would fall asleep talking to each other every single night. We never hung out in person that year. Freshman Summer rolled around. And he asked me out. He wanted to take me to a haunted house. I am a huge chicken FYI lol. So on sweetest day my parents finally agreed to let me go. Justin showed up to my house with a single rose and sweetest day card and introduced himself to my dad and was not intimidated one bit what so ever by my big burly hillbilly daddy. Before we left on our double date dad told justin to be careful with his baby bc I was his million dollar daughter. Mind you I have an older sister that had a baby at 15 and dropped out of school and a younger brother that was following in her footsteps so dad was super protective over me. The date was amazing. That night I had my first real kiss. And that date lead into many other dates and hanging out at his family. For some reason he never wanted to come to my house. That same year he came to school with a busted lip and a black eye. Justin’s family was abusive to him and his parents were separated and he had 2 sisters they were all drug addicts. His mom was a heroin addict that only saw him seldomly. He lived with his dad and step mom who were pill addicts and beat him if he didn’t work And pay his own way. His sister Amy used him and Brandi was 3 sheets to the wind always. My mom finally talked my dad into letting him come stay with us. We dated for almost 5 years. He graduated and started working more started going out with his buddies and we started bickering and arguing the way any high school sweet hearts would. Well I found out he had cheated on me and was experimenting around with drugs. I wanted no part of that so I broke up with him. On my birthday my dad And justin went to bass pro. I was devastated. How could my dad not celebrate with me? Come to find out he was trying to talk to justin like a son and talk some sense into him.
One evening on the way home from a football game my mom was borrowing my uncle truck and she was taking one of my girlfriends home that cheered with me. Back then we did not have to wear seat belts lol. Well we dropped roxi off at home and started on our way home when mom rounded the corner on Main Street I slid Against the door bc I was in my polyester cheer uniform and the seats were leather. I hit the door and it flew open. I grabbed ahold of the window frame up at the top screaming at her I couldn’t hold on. Next thing you know I did 7 or 8 Sommersaults straight to the head down Main Street. Mom was in mere shock bc she continued driving for a split second until she stopped hopped out of the truck with her hands on her hips saying,” DONT TELL ME YOU JUST FELL OUT OF THIS TRUCK, GET UP OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!” lol we can laugh about it today about her reaction but at that moment me being the lifeguard I was and knowing first response I gently explained to my mommy that I needed my body suit out of my cheer bag for compression on my head and someone needed to call 911 bc I was starting to black out. By coincidence justin’s sister Amy was the one that called. By the time I got to the hospital justin was there. Crying kissing me caressing my face apologizing and confessing his Undying love for me. We started dating again for several months until I saw him snort a pill at a party one night. This time we separated for nearly 6 months. Right after Christmas I had an urge to see him. This is now my junior year of high school. Of course we hit it right off and everything was perfect. I cannot explain how amazing it was. Justin proposed to me on Valentine’s Day with a stuffed bear. The ring was around the bears neck. I was pregnant. We would marry on my 18th birthday Which was November 16th 2004.
We never made it past valentines weekend bc after we left my house that Sunday night February 14th, we were in a one car fatality. He lost control after hitting a pot hole and we tboned a tree into my passenger door. I never blacked out once I remember the sounds the smells and justin’s breathing. It still haunts me to this day when I close my eyes. You see neither of us were wearing our seatbelts, they say if he had been he may not of hit The steering wheel and torn his aeorta. He bled out within 5 minutes drowning in his own blood. Me on the other hand had I worn my seat belt the seat would not of broken and sent my upper body into the hatch back of his Honda Civic CRX. When the tree hit my door my seat snapped but sent my lower body slingshotting across the car. I was wrapped up like a pretzel, the gear shift went through my right lower leg the console stopped my body from going into the driver side which crushed my hips pelvis And my tail bone. I shattered everything on my left side had severe brain bleeding and I lost the baby. They pulled him from the vehicle first bc I was responsive. They called in 2 helicopters but called one away. They had justin on the ground performing CPR, but for some reason god protected my mind against knowing he was dead, bc I kept thinking I must be the bad one since they are taking him by ambulance. I will not spare every detail of the long road I had but I will tell you I was Thought to be paralyzed, I was on life support for 38 days, they had me in induced a coma and I wouldn’t come out of it. I missed his funeral which was a mess I guess bc he didn’t have life insurance so the entire town came together to help donate for his plot etc. he was only 19 getting ready to turn 20 in July. Several bitter people wrote mean things in the news papers about him, saying how the families were benefiting off of his death. I miss all of that bc I was nearly dead. On the 38th Night mom n dad signed the papers to have me trachea they went home and said prayers and by 4am a nurse called mom and told her I was waking up. I had to learn to retalk reeat redrink rewrite, I was an infant starting all over again. Everyday I was waiting for justin to walk through the door. It was not real to me. I was released from the hospital in September when I developed staph and had to go back. I had missed so much school. I was out in time for homecoming where I was nominated Homecoming queen. I tried with all my might to keep going on with my life. I had such a supportive school and community. They had to shit down the school the first week of the accident bc sooo many kids were signing out to come see me. But I was sooo desperate to die bc I missed my soulmate so much. I tried to commit suicide several times. With 2 months left of my senior year I began partying skipping out on school lying to my parents I wanted to numb the pain. I dropped out of school. I ran away to Indiana where I had cousins and I have been here since. I eventually paid the book cost and they mailed me the last 2 credits I needed to graduate and I actually got my high school diploma just a year later than what I would have had originally. But I never got to walk across that stage and that was a goal after all I went through.
I was told I would never be able to conceive children let alone carry them where I had broke all 4 pelvis bones and I have 2 amazing children to Tell the world about. My First born did nearly kill me though I hemorrhaged and had to have 4 transfusions. Okay anyways I have told u enough. I just thought I would share with you what I went through bc I just yesterday heard your song saving Amy. I swear it was written about me. Thank you Brantley. You touched my soul with that song and I cannot tell the world loud enough!!!! I want to inspire people the way you do and I have not found my ticket yet but when I do. I would love to sit And talk to you about what inspired you to write this song. Xoxo Oh yeah, I forgot after all my doctor bills and helicopter flight and everything my bills totaled up to $980,000. So my dad still jokes that I am his million dollar baby
I don't know if I will ever be able to get over it. My biggest fear is that I'm going to let this darkness consume me so deeply that I am going to become selfish and take my own life to escape the past that seems to haunt me bc I am not strong enough to deal with what is front of me. I can't deal with the hardships that are thrown at me on a daily basis that most people usually just shrug off. I feel heavily burdened. And it is crushing me and I am suffocating. The anxiety has gotten 100% worse. I can't concentrate and I'm continually questioning my existence. Why was I left here. I feel like I am just a failure and burden everyone and everything around me. There is nothing left of myself to give to anyone
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