The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Yes

Yep. I can't imagine how impossible that decision was and I have no idea how to even begin to understand the guilt you feel

But.... My guru beat into my head... " you made the least worst decision.". When every possible choice is horrible, you pick the one that is the least worst. When every option is going to cause damage...You choose the one that will cause the least amount at THAT time. Then, when it's over, you start the repair process if you can or you learn to live with what you had to do to survive --because there were no other options.

And it sucks. But when no option is good, and you have to choose, picking the least worst is the only option there is

Yes, yes, yes, I did. In both instances, when I got involved with A (x) and when I finally got away. There didn't seem to be any other way. I was blinded, hookwinked, crushed, stuck, trapped, caught by the short and curlies. I had no way out until I had a way out and was too ill to do anything but claw my way back from an early grave.
I did what I could and had barely any support and I tried so hard ro get more help and there just wasn't any. Giving up wasn't an option and survival had to be the priority, meanwhile he had the floor to say whatever he wanted about me. I was a woman disgraced, who's name was dragged through the filth and stink-mud.

No matter, it is past. What's done is done.

My son got back to me today. He apologized for not coming over again as he was going to come back the next day.

He is ok :-) just "erratic" he keeps telling me.

I cried alot when he was over. I couldn't help it. He handled it though, he is really maturing.

I even told him I have "moral injury" over leaving, today. I also said "He really did a number on us" referring to what his dad had done to drive a wedge between.us, for so long. He handled it.

He is wising up to who's who and what's what.

At long last my last estranged child is no longer refusing to talk to me.

I'm tentively optimistic.:-)

I think he's moving interstate soon though, so I probably won't see much of him.

All I want is to be able to do whatever I can to support them to be ok and help set them on the best possible path.

Thank you so much @Freida! :hug: for letting me talk this out with the benefit of your wisdom and understanding!

It is getting easier and easier to talk about and accept and feel into this, as I'm finally experiencing some resolution with all of my darling progeny.:-)

Very long awaited days indeed!

 

[mumstheword]

My heart pours with electrical, kenetic, energy-in-motion
The mother part is grieving, living, loving, wanting, perplexed, seeking, yearning, hurting, even hiding coz she's frightened.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm so happy for you mums!!! I know how much you've been looking forward to this moment. You have all your children close now, I'm in tears :):hug::hug::hug::hug:
You're an amazing mum ?

(((SWEET MUMS))) I can't say it better than @Sietz ?? I never had a doubt that your children would come "home" to your LOVING HEART AND ARMS!! It's thrills me to NO end, to be reading about all the progress you have made, in EVERY avenue of your life! You deserve the BEST!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

(((SWEET MUMS))) I can't say it better than @Sietz ?? I never had a doubt that your children would come "home" to your LOVING HEART AND ARMS!! It's thrills me to NO end, to be reading about all the progress you have made, in EVERY avenue of your life! You deserve the BEST!!!!

Thank you lovely @AngelkeeperJ ! I want to comment and reply, more, when I'm in a positive receptive mood. Right now, triggered.

 

[mumstheword]

So my second born son came up to visit me yesterday. He's not too bad, not completely psychotic, not so tired he's hardly here, just, a bit flat.
Despite-our-needing-urgent-repairs-and-we-don't-have-the-money-yet car (brakes and tires, no less) and the fact that there were SIX vehicles at his dad's, no one would drive him back to his supported accommodation. He stay's once a month now, it's legally been changed from every weekend to once a month, at his dad's, because he comes back from his dad's in such a bad way, so they couldn't deprive him of his family altogether, but it's a harm minimization situation. I can't have him at mine because I live in a sheobox and he wouldn't be safe here anyway, on account of, I live in the same divey village as his dad and I can't keep him from going down there and roaming around the drug-infested village anyway. So the only way is to be helped out and transfered to the same town he lives in, in his supported accommodation, his "Villa" as they call it. So we drove him in, with our grinding, squealing brakes.

So this morning his "key worker" rings me, and grumps at me about how my son is back to his old habits of staying up gaming and sleeping in this morning, on account of, he's been at dad's and smoking weed and doing the same, staying up gaming. I think he's pissed at me, because I haven't been over there looking after my son and making his job more fun. Yeah, I haven't been well enough to catch the God damn bus in to take care of my adult son who I worked extremely hard to get out of the danger and psychosis he was in, at his dad's, full time.
Of course it just triggers my sense of guilt and powerlessness and shame and despair, for my adult child, and anger at his revolting father, who wouldnt let me get early intervention in, for our autistic child.
He would be pretty close to "normal" without the childhood of trauma, poverty, neglect and isolation and with early intervention for his autism.

But no, he has trauma, that's not being treated, despite me telling them time and time again that he needs a therapist for it, so he's avoiding social contact by staying up gaming and sleeping in the day. Uuuuuggggh, worker, try and understand the effects of a lifetime of trauma and neglect and be glad my kid isn't in worse shape and put something in place to treat his trauma, gaming addiction and depression, already!

I'm frustrated and demoralized, because the worker, pretty much hung up on me, after I said "at least I got him back last night", because they won't come out and pick him up from his dad's anymore, go figure. His dad is a f*cking, mind-f*cking liability. Apparently daddy is sick at the moment. I'm not sorry for him.

 

[mumstheword]

So I found a good hand out article about trauma informed care for disabled people. It's aimed at people like this worker, who is frustrated and ill equipped and doesnt understand, his approach and the approach of many of the workers is having the opposite effect than the one they want. I'll have to brace myself, my taking it easy and stabalizing home-holiday is over, I need to get out there and get the article in to my kid's group home staff and advocate for my adult kid. This parenthood gig is never going to be over for me. I've been parenting for nearly 28 years now under shitty and adverse conditions and there is no end in sight. No wonder I'm tired. I need my hospital breaks, so much.

On a happier note, I start equine therapy tomorrow.:-) I never got my sexual abuse trauma therapist back, no idea what happened there, they never got back to me about her. She went on leave and never returned.
So my therapy has wound down. Now it's only going to be equine therapy once a fortnight and a peer group with my trauma councellor once a month. Still looking for a trauma sensitive yoga teacher down here.
I'm in danger of just becoming a recluse, no motivation to get out there. I guess I'll go back to uni next year, because I'm just not comfortable not striving and doing something out in the world, despite wishing I could just get a piece of land and have a DYI lifestyle out in the sticks and hide away from the world. That's my mother, eek! I want to turn into my mother! and the grandmother that died earlier this year.
No, I can't turn into them, I'm not that person. I have worldly stuff to do. Equine therapy tomorrow, will, most probably catch the bus, if I'm able, a coffee catch up ladies group thing, on wednesday, maybe, don't really want to go to that, Trauma ladies peer group thing next tuesday. I just have no joy about going out and being social.Do these symptoms ever end? I used to be social.

 

[Freida]

Equine therapy is awesome!!!! So very happy my T talked me into it

 

[NatBird]

Hey @mumstheword

It's the beginning of the week here. I am thinking of you, keeping you and your journey in heart and mind. I am reading and witnessing when I can.

It sounds like you do as much as you can, the best you can in this moment for your son. I am not a parent, I just wonder whether for now, this can be enough?
I was having conversations with parents over the last few weeks and many of them say how much it takes a village/community to raise a child. I think there's something quite dysfunctional about a system that places so much pressure on the main care givers, especially the mother. Then again, I am aware that there is a strong desire for most mothers to see their children at their best. I can hear this is what you have written and just saying in a rather convoluted way it sounds like you are doing this.

I am glad you have some therapy on the go. There is someone on my training course that does Equine therapy with young people and the work is amazing. I hope it brings whatever you need right now.

I admire your steps, the path that you continue to carve out. Sending support.

 

[mumstheword]

I think that I was hard on my son's support worker (not to him, but in my mind). He is likely disappointed that my son comes back in a worse state, after being at his dad's. I should have empathized with him instead of trying to get acknowledgement for my part in getting him back an evening earlier than he would have otherwise.

I have so much hurt, still, about the narcissistic, sociopathic abuse we have suffered at the hands of his father. It is like a dead weight around my neck. A ring of shame and disempowerment around my neck. A misery. So much hurt and frustration and shame and fear and avoidance and exhaustion, yet, I have love and safety and self-care and art and learning and growing wisdom; the knowledge that I am the rock, the growing tree, soul sustanance for my children, my man, maybe even others, at times. I have endured and triumphed and survived against these unspeakable odds.

I am a peaceful warrior woman, in a way. I have a queen, a wise woman, a scholar, a deeply religious woman inside me, (not church religion, natural, gnostic religion) a social scientist, a poet, an artist, a shamanic chantress and dancer that lives in my bones. The motherness transcends the pain with her love and devotion and deep faith and reverence and wonder for life, in all its myriad forms and expressions.

I am not defined by the terrible treatment I and my children have endured at other's hand and voices, and the treatment makes me wise to a very dark side to humanity. My empathy goes deep but I won't have it used against me anymore. I need to pull myself up, about the constant self-shaming, the deep rooted sense of guilt for things I have no power to change or energy to address right now. It is such a deep-rooted habit! I feel such terrible humiliation about what I've been reduced to and how I don't live up to my, very high, expectations of myself.
But I'm so, so tired soul-weary! My brain is faltering and protesting and fog and get too full and won't process, just won't work as hard as I want it too.

 

[mumstheword]

My son, J, my middle son, the one who got ailienated and manipulated and hurt til he believed I was "crazy" mean and scary (thanks to his father) has come back into my life. He came up today, brought his lovely girlfriend up. Things are looking positive, between us. He has a pretty bad Xanax addiction though, that burns me up a bit.
That was unnecessary, he should never, even, have been estranged from me. He was one of the one's that was hurt the most, by it. My three oldest boys were damaged the most, out of all my children.
Anyway, he wants to build a relationship with me now, and his girlfriend is very supportive and encouraging of that.

I don't understand a person who would hurt their own children to hurt the mother of their children. I would hurt myself rather than hurt my children, if it were in their best interest. Anyway, he is that much of a psychological sadist. The children are realizing that it feels super horrible when they buy into their dad's worldview. Mine is much more liberating, in a psycholgical way, even though I'm not able to buy them with illegal drug money, or drugs, like he does, much more empowering and it's expansive and loving and open and freeing and kind.

Patient persistence pays off.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

I'm not giving out much energy on here. I'm aware that I'm not too social, or supportive, here, on the site.
I feel a little guilty about that, but I'm just letting that sit and not doing much about it.
I had two days, catching the bus into town, equine therapy, being social with girlfriends. It wiped me out. Today I was utterly wiped. Tomorrow my energy level might be better. It's just how it is now. I do love you all, I just have to pace myself so much these days. I'm better for it though :-).

 

[Swift]

Hey @mums.
Sorry you've been going through so much.
I'm not doing awesome right now but I've been thinking about you and how lucky your kids are to have you.

Shit, I'm lucky to have you in my life even from a distance.