Relationship BF has PTSD and fights have been escalating - devastated and don't know what to do

[Ronin]

And that I share some responsibility and contributed to it because I am on his case and not calm enough.

That is just pure blame shifting bullshit.

You did not contribute to it, and you do not owe him calm.
No amount of you being calm would keep him from flipping the hell out... Or blaming you like he is now. That is all on him, an all his choices, not some mysterious spell he fell under.

There is nothing wrong with you: if you need a support group to process what happened and heal from it, sure, but you do not need the support group because you would be an abuser or making others act horrible. :) Not for THAT.

What if he had gone further?

And, precisely.

Edited to add: His blackmailing you with his suicidality is also not cool.
Suicidality does not make people hold others hostage to their moods. If he is in danger, it is his problem, not yours, and double not yours after he used it to hurt you.
I bet he will be all fine (or pulling the same act with another girl believing it) after you leave.... not actually bad off as he plays now. Where if you stay for his nonsense? You will get worse, more confused about everything, more doubting your perfectly fine self. You do not need that kinda strain and mess.

 

[MiaEvie25]

That is just pure blame shifting bullshit.

You did not contribute to it, and you do not owe him calm.
No amount of you being calm would keep him from flipping the hell out... Or blaming you like he is now. That is all on him, an all his choices, not some mysterious spell he fell under.

There is nothing wrong with you: if you need a support group to process what happened and heal from it, sure, but you do not need the support group because you would be an abuser or making others act horrible. :) Not for THAT.


And, precisely.

Yes, the support group would be for me to process what happened and to have people to talk to about it instead of my friends/family (don't want to always lay it on them). Problem is, logically I know what he's saying is bs, but emotionally I'm actually starting to feel bad for him and miss him and am worried I'll go back. And I can't shake the guilt, so I have some issues to deal with.

 

[Ronin]

Do not go back.

If nothing else, that is opening yourself up for getting more guilt, instead of it easing.
You are doing nothing wrong, now, or then. Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

 

[MiaEvie25]

Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

You're right. Besides, I always feel guilty for everything, whether it's legit or not. It's in my nature.

 

[talon]

My bf and I have been dating around 5 years. Almost 2 years ago (it'll be 2 years in November), he was badly beaten by a dirty undercover cop. I was there and witnessed the whole thing - he comes from a good family and has never been in trouble before. The incident was horrible and he has some brain damage from the beating. Before the incident, he was very calm and loving and we had a great relationship. There were some problems, but we seemed to be able to manage them.

After the incident happened, he's completely changed. I've been there for him as much as I can. I testified at his criminal case (he was found not guilty), was emotionally there for him, and cleaned for him as much as I could. However, as time has passed, I've become resentful of cleaning for him and the impact it's had on our relationship. His place is unsanitary, not just messy- messy I can deal with. Food left out everywhere, garbage not thrown out. He rarely showers or leaves his place. He plays video games all day to escape his depression. I have started telling him that If I'm going to come over to visit him (we don't live together) he needs to clean our hang out area, at the very least. However, he rarely does this and I walk into his place and it's filthy and I become upset with him. Sometimes I'll start cleaning for him just so I can hang out there and not feel completely disgusted. Other times I will say nothing and try to suck it up. Then there are the times when I feel angry about the whole thing so I'll voice my frustration and he says I'm attacking him and "on his case." He's going to therapy and EMDR and we have a couple's therapist, but I don't see a lot of changes in his behavior. He says he's getting better, but I'm having trouble seeing it.

Recently, we've been fighting a lot more and he's started throwing things around. One time he smashed a chair into the floor. The fight we had a few days ago was horrible. I came over and he played video games for a few hours and I started getting frustrated, telling him that I didn't come over to sit in the background while he plays video games. I wasn't that nice about it and I realize this. However, I didn't call him names or scream at him I was just very direct and frustrated. He completely snapped and threw around an end table with glass on the top and glass went flying everywhere. He punched a hole through his wall and also grabbed my purse out of my hand and threw it across the room. I felt scared for both of our safety. Then, he curled up on the floor and was sobbing saying he can't do this anymore and said he wanted to off himself. He also said, as he's said when this has happened before, that I pushed him to do this and that he wouldn't have done this if I didn't push him.

I eventually left - I didn't want to because I was worried about him, but he insisted as he said he wasn't sure what he was capable of. He was right to insist, I know that, but it tears me up inside that I left when he was in such a bad condition. I emailed his mom and close friend and told them to please check up on him because I've very worried. His friend was nasty and said that I shouldn't have left him and that contacting his mom was a horrible thing to do.
I feel in my heart that I had to let his mom know, but I still feel tremendous guilt from 1) pushing him to do this by again voicing my frustrations with our relationship 2) telling his mom and close friend. I guess I'm wondering what everyone else's take is on this as the guilt is eating away at me. Some moments I feel as if I did what I had to do. I had no way of knowing if he was going to hurt himself or not. Other moments I feel terrible at that possibility that I handled it in the wrong way.

You need to protect yourself if his behaviour is becoming violent . You seem to have done everything possible to support him and shown true dedication above and beyond the call of duty. It seems that he is broken, bitter and angry but he should direct this to those who damaged him and not to his true loyal friend . If he is getting professional help maybe it's time to tell him that your love for him has limits. There is more than one way to show love and tough love works. If you are damaged by this relationship then you are of no use to him . If you feel you can communicate how you feel safely then you need to directly . Some might say that leaving a note explaining your thoughts and fears might be a cowardly way however it is often a way to express without heated exchanges and conflict and more abuse . Whatever choice you make must be yours but i feel you have shown that you cannot continue as before

 

[Justmehere]

Think about it this way: going back to him and/or taking on responsibility for his behavior is actually harmful to his recovery. Instead, it is helpful to sufferers to give them full responsibility for their behavior. As long as he tries to change you as the solution, he’s avoiding the work he needs to do.

I’m glad you are walking away from this relationship and I hope you find a helpful
support group to work it through.

 

[MiaEvie25]

Think about it this way: going back to him and/or taking on responsibility for his behavior is actually harmful to his recovery. Instead, it is helpful to sufferers to give them full responsibility for their behavior. As long as he tries to change you as the solution, he’s avoiding the work he needs to do.

Great way to look at it - if I feel going back is harmful to him I’m way less apt to do so.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @MiaEvie25 - I think your boyfriend has a long way to go. I cannot imagine going around to see a dear friend or boyfriend and having a chair smashed and a glass topped table smashed because you suggested his living standards have slipped beyond the pale and his fixation with video games is not your idea of fun. :rolleyes:

It seems that you have done a lot of the heavy lifting in this relationship - certainly post assault. If you are one of his closest supporters and he values you, it really is time he got his sh*t together, stopped blaming you for every little thing and started taking responsibility for his own life and mental health. He can do far better and if he didn't spend most of his time trying to convince you otherwise he might start doing so.

He cannot blame his aggressive, violent, abusive behaviour on you. That's all him. Don't even entertain the idea. You do not control him, you do not have that awesome power he seems to be bestowing on you. If you did his house would be tidy, he would be seeing to his own hygiene without needing to be prompted and he certainly would not be telling you that somehow you need to carry a guilt burden. If you had any power none of these things would exist would they? So it's not you. It's him.

As for the 'friend' tell them to take a leap. Of course you had to tell his mother. He cannot run you out of his home and threaten suicide without you doing something! You did the right thing - since your boyfriend seems to be adverse to you doing or saying anything to him and since he isn't listening anyway - his mother and friend are obvious, caring and logical choices.

He's lucky it wasn't someone less connected like a neighbour and the emergency services were not called. Really that would have been the obvious choice for most people but I think you saw the possible risks with calling LE given his trauma and legal proceedings? So good choice!

This business of 'not remembering' what he said??? No! He doesn't get to play with your mind like that. Don't let him. You know what he said and you also know what he meant. Don't alter your reality to fit with his. You get to stay in the real world even if he doesn't want to.

I don't know how much therapy you have been having but episodes like this cannot continue. You will undoubtedly suffer if you do. Five years is a long time in terms of a relationship and I can see you are devoted to him. But devotion doesn't mean sacrificing you safety or indeed your own mental health for his. I'd be telling the therapist everything that happened on this occasion and not pulling any bs about how completely and totally unacceptable his behaviour is.

I would not be cleaning up his mess.,sitting with him whilst he ignores you and plays video games, putting up with his world view on ptsd and how you (and others) just don't understand bc you haven't got it. That is just nonsense.

I do not understand what ptsd sufferers are thinking when at times they try to push this tantrum throwing, dummy spitting bs on those that they are in a relationship with. It isn't right and it never will be.

 

[MiaEvie25]

Hi @MiaEvie25 - I think your boyfriend has a long way to go. I cannot imagine going around to see a dear friend or boyfriend and having a chair smashed and a glass topped table smashed because you suggested his living standards have slipped beyond the pale and his fixation with video games is not your idea of fun. :rolleyes:

It seems that you have done a lot of the heavy lifting in this relationship - certainly post assault. If you are one of his closest supporters and he values you, it really is time he got his sh*t together, stopped blaming you for every little thing and started taking responsibility for his own life and mental health. He can do far better and if he didn't spend most of his time trying to convince you otherwise he might start doing so.

He cannot blame his aggressive, violent, abusive behaviour on you. That's all him. Don't even entertain the idea. You do not control him, you do not have that awesome power he seems to be bestowing on you. If you did his house would be tidy, he would be seeing to his own hygiene without needing to be prompted and he certainly would not be telling you that somehow you need to carry a guilt burden. If you had any power none of these things would exist would they? So it's not you. It's him.

As for the 'friend' tell them to take a leap. Of course you had to tell his mother. He cannot run you out of his home and threaten suicide without you doing something! You did the right thing - since your boyfriend seems to be adverse to you doing or saying anything to him and since he isn't listening anyway - his mother and friend are obvious, caring and logical choices.

He's lucky it wasn't someone less connected like a neighbour and the emergency services were not called. Really that would have been the obvious choice for most people but I think you saw the possible risks with calling LE given his trauma and legal proceedings? So good choice!

This business of 'not remembering' what he said??? No! He doesn't get to play with your mind like that. Don't let him. You know what he said and you also know what he meant. Don't alter your reality to fit with his. You get to stay in the real world even if he doesn't want to.

I don't know how much therapy you have been having but episodes like this cannot continue. You will undoubtedly suffer if you do. Five years is a long time in terms of a relationship and I can see you are devoted to him. But devotion doesn't mean sacrificing you safety or indeed your own mental health for his. I'd be telling the therapist everything that happened on this occasion and not pulling any bs about how completely and totally unacceptable his behaviour is.

I would not be cleaning up his mess.,sitting with him whilst he ignores you and plays video games, putting up with his world view on ptsd and how you (and others) just don't understand bc you haven't got it. That is just nonsense.

I do not understand what ptsd sufferers are thinking when at times they try to push this tantrum throwing, dummy spitting bs on those that they are in a relationship with. It isn't right and it never will be.

The way you put everything is extremely helpful, thank you for you feedback.
I’m emotionally exhausted and I have done most of the heavy lifting for the past 2 years and I can’t go on with things the way they are. I told my therapist about what happened and she said I need to leave. I didn’t think therapists are supposed to tell you what to do, but maybe there are exceptions. Also, I’m 37 and want a family badly and obviously he’s no where near being ready to.

We are taking a break - I initiated it. I am still checking in on him and can drop by briefly to see how he’s doing once a week, but i can’t keep enabling his behavior. I hope I don’t crumble and start seeing him more.

 

[blackemerald1]

Right - you are 37 and clearly have some ambition in regards to how you want your life to go. Having a family and living with a man that can love you back sound like they are right up the top. And so they should be if that is what you want.

Your boyfriend's behaviour right now is such that you may want to turn your mind to the the possibility it could be quite some time, if ever, before he faces up to his mental health and gets it under control. And maybe a lot longer till he is able to be the partner that you thought he could be.

You may want to consider how long you are willing to wait for this to happen and how it even may happen, considering how he has begun behaving post assault and legal proceedings.

I hope you have some support - family, friends etc., aside from your therapist. I think this is really important for you right now. Wavering after such a long term relationship is completely expected - it doesn't mean that you are weak or anything like that. You want your boyfriend to be okay and that is natural. But he has got to want it too. You cannot do it for him. It is his responsibility. So you look after yourself and see how he progresses or not...

Btw your therapist is absolutely spot on to advise you. This isn't a negotiable behaviour (violence, aggression, emotional blackmail and blaming) - That is probably why the therapist has made the decision to tell you what needs to happen - for your safety, for your mental well being and stability.

Your therapist is there with you in real life so would also obviously have seen your struggle during sessions much more clearly than any of us here on this forum. Take your therapists advice and be the best you can be for yourself now.

If your boyfriend is going to recover then he is going to have to struggle - like all the rest of us.

 

[MiaEvie25]

Right - you are 37 and clearly have some ambition in regards to how you want your life to go. Having a family and living with a man that can love you back sound like they are right up the top. And so they should be if that is what you want.

Your boyfriend's behaviour right now is such that you may want to turn your mind to the the possibility it could be quite some time, if ever, before he faces up to his mental health and gets it under control. And maybe a lot longer till he is able to be the partner that you thought he could be.

You may want to consider how long you are willing to wait for this to happen and how it even may happen, considering how he has begun behaving post assault and legal proceedings.

I hope you have some support - family, friends etc., aside from your therapist. I think this is really important for you right now. Wavering after such a long term relationship is completely expected - it doesn't mean that you are weak or anything like that. You want your boyfriend to be okay and that is natural. But he has got to want it too. You cannot do it for him. It is his responsibility. So you look after yourself and see how he progresses or not...

Btw your therapist is absolutely spot on to advise you. This isn't a negotiable behaviour (violence, aggression, emotional blackmail and blaming) - That is probably why the therapist has made the decision to tell you what needs to happen - for your safety, for your mental well being and stability.

Your therapist is there with you in real life so would also obviously have seen your struggle during sessions much more clearly than any of us here on this forum. Take your therapists advice and be the best you can be for yourself now.

If your boyfriend is going to recover then he is going to have to struggle - like all the rest of us.

That's what I thought too about my therapist, as this isn't a negotiable behavior like working with incompatibility, etc. I have a wonderful support network which I am very thankful for (family, friends). I just want to be careful and not burden them too much. I tend to reach out when I'm upset which can be a good thing, but I also don't want to place too much on my family and friends, which is why I am on this board.

I'm not sure how much longer I'm willing to wait around for him to get better. It's already been a month away from 2 years and I feel like my life is passing me by. And his legal proceedings are going to take a while. proceedings.

Thank you so much for your feedback. Your comments are invaluable and you seem very grounded and knowledgeable. One day, I hope to be this way :)

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm very pleased you are here too :) You are coping well with a difficult situation.

Tell your family & friends what you are wanting to do & why. It's no small thing. Lean on them for those times when you need to.

And of course come here & vent, question etc. It's good to get support :) And much better than doing it all alone.