Why have I kept hanging on?

[Abstract]

Do you think you are repeatedly being there for her in the hope she will change? Sometimes not supporting someone can be more helpful for them than supporting them. It sounds like something big needs to change for her.

She isn't you. Can you really separate the two of you in your mind? She is behaving as you behave. She isnt working on herself like you are. She is very different. She May well not have the same abandonment as you and if she does it might force her into treatment.

Common trauma past can be a big thing I know.

 

[Justmehere]

Two live close by the rest are anywhere from an hour away to a three hour plane ride away.

This gives me pause to wonder why you didn’t reach out to them. I think you partly answer the question by stating:

I still don't believe I'm good enough to be with a person who treats me well

This core belief about yourself is a big part of why you may keep going to back to this friend. She reinforces your core belief. Sort out the core belief separate from this friendship, and this friend either 1.) won’t rattle you as much or 2.) you’ll be able to let go in the way that you would like to be able to do.

I challenge you to consider what you believe you “gain” by holding on to this core belief generally. When you believe you don’t deserve someone who treats you well, what’s the perceived benefit to you? There is usually a perceived gain for every negative self belief. For me, I figured if I was a terrible person, I deserved the past abuse and thus I “gained” a false sense that I had any control over past abuse. For me, learning to let go that I’m a terrible person meant also facing that I didn’t deserve abuse. I had to grieve that I didn’t have control. For you, maybe it’s something different, perhaps the possible “gain” is that you don’t have to face the pain sometimes some relationships end for reasons you can’t prevent, and you get the perceived benefit of avoiding that pain.

At the end of the day, keep this friendship or not, the real issue is your self worth and how much you have internalized the message of an abuser(s) that you have low value. That’s simply not true. Even by calling yourself dumb in this thread for a really reasonable action - reaching out to share and connect - you echo the voice of your abuser. (No judgement here, I do it too.) maybe you escape the pain of when no one was there for you and you really needed someone.

Maybe it’s time to start to stop giving them so much voice? Maybe it’s time to start to disagree with them, and start to hold on to the truth that you have great value and you deserve comfort and support.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Abstract there were phases we didn’t talk, either because of a fight or because of distance. I think the main part of it is me trying to be a fixer, focusing so strongly on her that I don’t have to focus on the hard core beliefs I’m getting into now. Which is just wrong. I also do want her to get better. I feel like I need to carry her forward because I know how to battle it. But I have to realize she’s not changing or working to improve herself. Thank you for helping me work this out!

@Justmehere I think you’ve hit it right on the head. I’m working on realizing my past abuse isn’t my fault, and repeatedly tell my T like if I just think this way and beat myself up over someone else’s toxic reactions then I’m in control, it’s my fault and I can fix it and it won’t happen again. I want control. I don’t want to be a victim. I used the label survivor so long but that gave me agency. I had no agency. I hated the word victim.

The core belief I’m really trying to change right now is “I have no autonomy”. Over myself, my actions, my decisions, and my reactions. But not control others. I don’t have control over others. Not necessarily that I had control over my abuse, but that I can choose things now, choose to be around people who are supportive and kind, choose to date people who treat me right. That sounds contradictory I think. Maybe even just I have the autonomy to view myself how I wish. That I can push past it and stop accepting how people have made me feel.

Now I’m also running into the problem that I don’t want the toxic behaviors I’ve learned affecting new relationships. They’ve affected relationships I’ve had in the past, especially this person I’m talking about, people I’ve dated, and friends.

I don’t want to react to my problem emotions and thoughts. I’ve been doing DBT workbooks and I have them all saved on my phone and do files of the coping skills I need. I feel like because I have these emotions, like say someone doesn’t text me back and I think “they hate me I’m a loser they never want to talk to me again I hate myself” and feel sadness, anger, and fear, I’m trying to not let that affect me but I feel like those emotions and thoughts disqualify me from being a good friend or girlfriend, even when I’m not actually acting on them. They make me tense and uncomfortable even after I’ve worked through them. This may be for another post entirely though. Thank you for all of your help!

 

[Justmehere]

Now I’m also running into the problem that I don’t want the toxic behaviors I’ve learned affecting new relationships. They’ve affected relationships I’ve had in the past, especially this person I’m talking about, people I’ve dated, and friends.

I think the piece you are missing is self compassion. When it comes down to it, there are no perfect people. Everyone will make mistakes. As you learn new behaviors, mistakes will happen. That’s ordinary! It’s ok, The important thing is not to ever make a mistake in a relationship, but what you do with that mistake. Being flawed doesn’t make you unworthy, it makes you a human who can offer compassion for others. That’s all. Everyone is flawed.

You will have thoughts of self judgement for awhile. Take time to notice them and challenge them. If you can’t challenge hen with a positive, try something neutral.

Even with how you think of others. Every time you notice a fear that they hate you, try to think of a neutral interpretation as to why they didn’t respond more quickly. Over time, it will shift.

Right now, in the midst of a lot of self judgement, I see this HUGE positive: you can recognize when a pattern isn’t healthy and take steps towards change.

I hope you take some time to celebrate this good process that makes you AWESOME and head of many people.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Justmehere I appreciate it. I’m definitely missing self compassion.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Well last night she drunkenly sent me something that was trying to manipulate me to move with her next year after I said no by putting me down, telling me my worst trait is “compliancy” (which, wouldn’t it it be compliance to go along with what she said? Duh. I’m not an idiot), and that she was saying all these things because she loves me and sees my potential. I’m stuck because it’s abusive. Wowee. I blocked her and I don’t really know how to go about making it clear this has ended. I never feel safe and just want to block her from everything to keep myself safe.