I'm not sure how seriously to take my brain.

[IceQueencop]

I think it makes sense that this planning is a safety/control thing for you. You haven’t talked about your trauma, but if it’s severe enough for you to be here and have PTSD, it was likely a situation in which you were concerned about losing your life.
There is a theory that says some of the hormones released during trauma are helpful to freeze the body and pass painlessly into death. But, since you didn’t die now you just have those chemicals. So, anticipation of death can seem like a painless way to go instead of having to deal with anything difficult or frustrating.
Remember that thoughts of suicide are just thoughts, and they may be because of chemicals or hormones related to your PTSD.
Best, IQC

 

[Chris-duck]

I think it probably is a control thing tbf, where I like to know that I can nope out whenever I want. I'm still not planning on it but my brother disappeared for a bit n I think that's what set me off this time because I think I would nope out if he did.

I've talked about my trauma other places here, I don't think I was ever legitimately concerned I'd lose my life but yeah. Shits f*cked up.

I'm feeling okay today. I'm obviously glad about that. But also frustrated cos I'm having a pure "why did I bother saying anything anyway? Everything's cool over here.." thing going on.

Thanks for replying :)

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Awwww :hug:

We all know suicidal ideation comes and goes.

Yes, yes, you are meant to reach out when it's troubling you.

And we are *glad* when it subsides. That's what it's meant to do :hug:

No one here will say "false alarm" to you :p That's not how suicidal ideation works and we know that :p

Very glad you're feeling better. :hug:

Remember to reach out again, if you struggle again, yeah?

 

[ms spock]

Always reach out when that suicidal ideation comes back, as many times as you need to @Chris-duck!

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys. I don't think false alarm is true anyway, like I definitely did want to and now I don't. I think part of my issue is that I understand it won't last forever and that's all well and good but I'm not sure how to get to a point where it doesn't come back. Like a big part of my issue is that "yeah things are cool but they'll get bad again" Like how do you start to think that normal will stick

 

[ms spock]

I don't know @Chris-duck I don't think of that, I just think of adding tools to my tool box, and practising the tools within my toolbox.

Maybe someone else will have some ideas.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm not sure how to get to a point where it doesn't come back.

I haven't found a way to stop them completely.

I find regardless of how well things are going, or how well I am - I have periods of time where it is the farthermost thought I could have and then for reasons I am not aware, certainly not overt causes, I will plunge into it again and have to endure the juggling till I come out of it.

When I come out of the other side I think the same thought too. What can I do to stop this cyclic, slow moving monster from visiting me again. So far I have found nothing. Regardless of how well I am, the monster really is just asleep - not truly gone.

Maybe you will have more success. I hope so.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I'm not sure it ever goes away entirely... Like there's no "immunity" to it.
It's always possible to have something that triggers it IMO.
But it can get less, far less.
I guess like eczma or astma that settles down when treated/ managed well, but you always retain a certain predisposition.
But eventually you know how to handle it - you have a routine of do A, B and C and then wait for it to ease up again.

 

[blackemerald1]

I keep a store of good things I think about when I move out of a bout. That is what it is...it is a bout... Just as one gets the flu etc., it feels like that to me. But just as in the flu, I know it will move away, it's an episode that I must endure. It's transient no matter how hard it hits me and sometimes it does hit me so hard I am tempting myself with thoughts that are hard to discard such as is it this time?

Whilst I am in the grip of it - I try... and it is very difficult ... I try to recall the good things. The good reasons why I did not act last time I came out of it. The feeling that it has moved on for now. I try and remember that inner relief I felt and hang onto that.

It really feels quite futile at the time. I don't believe it works at the time. But it does I think. It helps to distract from the central theme a little.

 

[bellbird]

Proud of you for reaching out.
Proud of you for allowing others the opportunity to challenge your distortions.
Proud of you for riding out the wave :hug:

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys :) appreciate your replies!

 

[Survivor3]

I'm on a (so far five month) waiting list for therapy. So I could probably ask for that to get sped up. But usually depression wouldn't get people referred on, it probably would get me referred on cos of my history etc, but I guess I dunno where a line is.

I could totally do a safety contract. Like I'm not going to do shit, but nhs waiting lists are a bastard.

I gave up on the NHS and went private for therapy. Living on a shoestring to pay for it but at least I have a professional in my life that actually cares about my welfare.