I'm not sure how seriously to take my brain.

[ILoveLife]

Suicide planning is suicide planning, and with suicide thoughts happening there is always a risk.
In your line of work you know there shouldn't be any risks, and that all suicidal ideation is to be taken seriously.

My take is that you're numb from all that's been happening - it is a lot - and you are not taking yourself seriously.

So, please take yourself seriously. I had a suicide attempt after saying things like "I have the thoughts, but I won't do anything about it". Until one day it became overwhelming and I didn't wait around for it to pass.

So, if you're having suicidal ideation there are a lot of things you can do.
One, you already said, try and speed up the process for therapy.
Two, hospitalization -- I really don't think hospitalization should happen after the harm is done like it usually is.
Three, support around you, that means involving your friends.
Four, helplines and a psychiatrist for depression...
There are more, and you know how to navigate the UK mental health system better than me.

I don't think you would've written this post if it wasn't to be taken seriously.
:hug:

 

[Freida]

Oh! -- one thing I forgot....
That comment you made about not wanting to bother your friends? yea, lets talk about how that's gonna backfire on you. Because when they find out you were thinking about killing yourself and didn't want to bother them? Oh yea, the shit is gonna hit the fan. I'm STILL!!! having to make up for it and I didn't even go thru with anything. I was just thinking about it

Imagine if it was reversed. What would you say to them? Oh I'm too busy don't bug me with your silly ass problems and thoughts of suicide? Of course not. And you know you would be pissed if they didn't reach out to you for help.

So --- as was explained to me in not so gentle terms --
Who the hell do you think you are not trusting us enough to let us help you?
Why would you turn your back on us and leave us feeling guilty because we couldn't stop you
Why do you think we wouldn't make time for you -- do you have that little faith in our friendship?
and soooo on and sooo on and oh yea....so on.,

 

[Chris-duck]

@shimmerz Thanks, yeah. Like I guess I feel like everyone kinda has methods available. Then I work in an acute medical ward so have access to shit that way. But I've not been stashing anything or owt.

@Freida yeah I think the problem is that I'm not sure they'd believe me. R said she only asks people their plan to find out the lethality of it, and we had this chat when I was healthy etc but I was basically like "wouldn't I be a pretty shit nurse if I couldn't work out something lethal?" She rolled her eyes, told me she'd hate to be my T. Docs have reacted fine in the past when I've had those conversations. But I still worry they'll overreact.
And I know about the friends thing, I'd be pissed if it was the other way about. But I kinda want left alone tbh. And that's not gonna happen if they're all stressing. Like i know they think because I don't want to meet them that shits up and my friend I'm meant to meet tonight asked directly and I said no but she didn't believe me. So like I dunno.

@Sietz Yeah I know. I just think it's different cos it's me :P Although I get I'm not that special :P n yeah, I'll phone GP tomorrow, I didnt phone today but I'll set an alarm. Having to phone before 9 is a pain in the arse. I'll be fine today anyway. Got shit to do.

Thanks everyone for replies

 

[Deleted member 47099]

But I kinda want left alone tbh. And that's not gonna happen if they're all stressing.

Yeah, I totally get this. I am soooooooooooo grateful that both my T and pdoc offer very, very non-intrusive support when I've had suicidal episodes in the past.
The *absolute last* thing I can handle when I'm suicidal is having more fuss, more drama, more stress etc.
It would just exacerbate stuff.
They both know me really well and trust me to be *trying to calm myself and not act on suicidal urges*.
So they know that by providing the support I want and need, that they're helping me to stay safe.
So they give me ultra-low-fuss support and I am incredibly grateful.

So yes, I do understand your point.
I guess the thing is to find low-fuss solutions, like Dr. or Drop In Center, if you think your friends would create more drama and fuss than you can handle.

How come the Drop In Center isn't being mentioned as an option?

:hug:

 

[Chris-duck]

I think it's a bit beyond drop in tbh. They don't really have ways available to follow up. So they can chat shit through but tbh of suicide was mentioned they'd have to just tell me to go to GP. So there's no point in adding in that middle step.

And my friends are good, and any fuss is too much fuss ? I have a low tolerance for fuss right now. I'm going for cocktails with the kids grandpa just now so I'll see how today goes and try (again ?) to get in with docs tomorrow.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Here's a Q for when you return from cocktails:

What action do you think the GP will take/ what action do you want him to take?

I agree the Drop In might be (?) overwhelmed with suicide stuff (tho, really, I don't think they should be!!) but IMO your GP would be telling you to get someone to talk to reguarly, as part of the way of dealing with suicidal ideation. So you could go to your GP first, but wouldn't he basically be saying to go to the Drop In Centre too?

As long as it's "just" ideation, the Drop In Centre should be a) trained to deal with it, b) fine with dealing with it, c) it should be part of what they do.

 

[Chris-duck]

I don't know what action I want them to take. I've been here before though so probably they'll do a psych referral cos i don't do great on SSRIs which they'd usually prescribe. They'd refer me onto CPN and tell me to go back in a week while that referral goes through. CPN referrals here are usually about a month. And I'd pinky promise not to kill myself in the next week.

I don't think the drop in would be so much not trained in this, because it's the same people that deal with it all the time, it's more that they don't have the resources to handle it. Like all they could do is recommend I go drop in every week but it wouldn't be great continuity or anything (likely different person each time etc.) And they don't really know me so it'd be risky to them to trust me to keep going back. Like I doubt I'm gonna do owt but they'd be in shit if I did and they had accepted being in a position where they weren't able to give adequate support. It'd probably be different if they knew me.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Chris-duck - are these thoughts you are having more than usual? Are you thinking over the means more than usual?

If you can get into seeing your gp that is great but I am not sure what they can do if you are already wait listed and nothing short of an actual attempt is going to bump you up the line but please don't do that!

Isn't there just one friend you can sit down for a few hours and just talk it through? Just to verbalise it and see how it comes out and how you feel about talking about it?

I understand there is a risk that they may panic but so might the gp.

It's really important you speak about it to someone in real life who can be trusted. Do you have such a person who can? Could you do that?

The notion that you don't want to load up your friends isn't logical. You are important. @Freida is correct.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thoughts are more than usual but still not planning anything. And I don't think I'm thinking over the means more? But like Ive known how I'd do it for over a year now. So it doesn't really need much thought.

I do have real life people that I "could" talk to, I just really don't want to. Like my friends are pretty amazing and I probably could pick any one of them theoretically. I trust them. It's just not their responsibility. Like I'm meeting one later probably who I think has a pretty good idea and I live with one so like I'm not short on options, I just dunno.

 

[blackemerald1]

I just need to throw this into the mix here chrisduck... You are thinking about it more often than normal so that is a worry. Do you know why you are btw?

You already have a plan... so saying you don't have a plan isn't correct. You know exactly how you are going to do it. That is 99.9% of a plan. The only bit missing is the when and that may creep up on you when you are numbing out and thinking how unimportant you are...

Can you see this^^??

Please talk to a friend. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Hey, here's a different question for you... Why do you think the suicidal ideation has increased?

I mean, like all of us, you have a shit ton of stressors (family crap, work, kids' mum) plus PTSD plus therapy waiting list...

But what do you think is contributing most to the increase in suicidal ideation? Any idea?

Edit to add: We cross posted... (re the "why" question)

 

[Chris-duck]

Nah, dunno why. Nothing particularly interesting has gone wrong, just a bunch of wee daft things I guess. But all those wee daft things aren't new. I always have work, kids (and their stupid mother), family shit etc. Nothing new.

And yeah I guess, but I'm not planning to act on it. So it's not a real plan. (I know what you're saying though.. )