Depression and bedrest?

[SeekingAfrica]

Sometimes you can see a trainwreck from miles away and you still can't stop it. Especially in myself. I knew being in bed was bad for my depression and I tried to tell myself I can control the outcome by doing certain things... But I think now my ankle is finally slowly improving (today I had a long walk...overdid it a bit and had to ice after, but still!)... but I am so depressed I'm starting to worry. Really worry, like seek magical solutions-need change now-need to do something-can't get out of bed even if I'm allowed to worry. It hasn't been too many bad days yet. It's been alternating good and bad days, and just the last 2 or 3 days have been really bad. But the thing is my ankle is getting better, while my head is having the desire to hide under the covers all day.

Today I did the errands I had to, even though they all made me anxious(I usually try to avoid putting together in one day few things that trigger me, but sometimes you just need to do some things) and I did what I had to do. But once I was done with that and the walk(which was awesome but a bit tiring on my ankle after all the resting), I literally got on a ball in bed and couldn't move for 2 hours even to get lunch, even when I was hungry. Tomorrow is lighter day, Friday is full on overload schedule. Unfortunately can't do much to balance between the 2 days. But I'm worried that of all the problems I was worried about, everything has went ok, but I can't enjoy it. I know when I'm sliding towards darker state and this is the middle ground. Doesn't help that it was the toughest week of the year financially(I literally baked pizza crust because I couldn't afford bread, and I should get paid tomorrow or day after tomorrow and I'm so sick of eating the same thing and running out of things I can cook, that I'm daydreaming about food). It's been horribly hard month and it's done. And I'm trying to set goals and try and look at the big picture, but I'm really struggling. I am trying to think about realistic 5 year plan, and break it down to achievable weekly goals. I'm trying to remember this will get better. But after coming home today after all errands I was so tired and cold and I've been hiding in bed ever since. I mean, there was nothing I was missing, but still. I'm afraid tomorrow I will need to go out and I won't have the will to.

 

[ms spock]

Keep on keeping on @SeekingAfrica you can do it. You are doing it!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Keep on keeping on @SeekingAfrica you can do it. You are doing it!

Thanks! I'm trying. There was brief relief today(some things are getting better), but now it's the end of the day and I'm mentally crushed. Everything still takes so much effort mentally and physically and I get tired so easily. It wasn't too bad of a day though. I think I'm just having a small anxiety moment. Like when things have been bad for so long that I forget the good... I start having this overwhelming wave of needing to make an instant change and the crushing realization that I can't, and it so often gets to me. I am trying to make a detailed 5-year(or 3 or 10, not sure yet) plan of what I want to achieve and break it down for that exact reason. To have a picture of what I want to get to. To have an end line in sight and know that if I complete small goals week to week I'm on my way to getting to a better place in certain timeframe, not blind hope. Blind hope that this year will be better lead me nowhere and now I'm a mess. I'd like for things to get easier one day, and I need something realistic, something between blind hope and unrealistic overwhelmingly huge goals that I abandon. I need something I can work on even with my health as it is and while getting better.(both mentally and physically). I'm sorry for all the ranting I do on here. I guess in certain ways it's productive for me.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm glad it's productive. Healing is hard work. Your body is already stressed with that, and you mind has time to ruminate. Do you color at all? I thought it was babyish, but I tried it and I love it! When my back needs rest, I color and listen to a book on tape. My coloring books have gotten more intricate, and I am learning shading and all about colors from stuff on Pinterest. Is there something that you like to do? Knitting or crocheting? Beading? I hope this helps somewhat, and I know you are feeling depressed, but you seem to have a handle on your emotions, and what is good for you. You are surviving this!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm glad it's productive. Healing is hard work. Your body is already stressed with that, and you mind has time to ruminate. Do you color at all? Is there something that you like to do? Knitting or crocheting? Beading? I hope this helps somewhat, and I know you are feeling depressed, but you seem to have a handle on your emotions, and what is good for you. You are surviving this!

Thanks! It's better, it's worse, it's hard. You're right. It's hard. Physical issues and mental issues at once. I never colored much, but I draw well. I would usually stop when in bad state because I don't have inspiration, so coloring would probably be great in those times. I did draw something this weekend for a first time in a year and that was really fulfilling. Plus I gave it to my dance teacher and she loved it, and that felt good too. Had my first dance classes this weekend. Well, did the easier things, of course(and with bandage naturally) and took it easy, but it was a start. My ankle is getting better(as much as it can at that stage, there's still long way to go before I can do all from before), but my knee which I thought was just badly bruised from the second fall seems to be messed up. So now I need to check that up. I can walk for half an hour now before I start to feel my ankle aching. The first dance class and realizing my current limitations was the hardest, I actually cried in the changing rooms after class. The second was a bit better. The rest of my body liked it, because it managed to relax all the stress knots from being in bed for weeks. My knee definitely has something wrong with it, which I'll check out this week.

I was going to do it Monday, but when I got to Monday and there was also work problem to handle, by the time I was done handling it I seem to have reached my limit. So I've willingly been in bed more for about a day. I know it's bad, but I just needed a day off from all the chaos. So I've just been planning the month and watching movies. I haven't had day off in weeks even with the ankle, so I suppose this was coming(the first days of the sprain I napped in the day, but then I would work in the evening).

Oh, sorry, got off-topic. I used to write and draw a lot. I think in my life usually there is one space for more concentrated passion at a time, so usually I do more of one of those 2 things, or dancing. In the last year, it's been the most dancing. I do think coloring books would help, but I couldn't afford them for a while and I hated how printed pages looked, the paper quality. I might look into dollar stores or something to try to find some.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I found some decent ones on amazon.com. I did a whole bunch of outside work and needed a day doing nothing too, lol. I hope your knee isn't messed up.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I found some decent ones on amazon.com. I did a whole bunch of outside work and needed a day doing nothing too, lol. I hope your knee isn't messed up.

Thanks! Yeah, I know, needing a day off is okay. It's just tricky right now. When I'm more depressed taking a day like that can easily turn into 2 days-3day- etc... It was a needed day, but today waking up was really hard and I feel that really strong pull in me. The depression pulling me back and telling me there's no point in doing anything today, and I'm already behind and messy because of the last weeks and it would be so easy to completely fall off my schedule. It has happened before and I can feel that thoughts in me now. That I'm already messy and behind and so I'll never catch up and I'm useless and lazy...though now trying to explain it I did see how much bad things I'm telling myself and making it worse, so... I will try to work on that, I can see how that thinking is quickly turning into very all or nothing negative one. I don't think like that all the time, obviously, or else I wouldn't have achieved anything. But when I get depressed my mind often starts pulling back to such thoughts. I'll work on it.
But yeah, my point was...taking a day off was needed, but today is harder because of it. Taking a day off when depressed can be tricky.

 

[DharmaGirl]

That I'm already messy and behind and so I'll never catch up and I'm useless and lazy

Wow, this is so me! I am restructuring my thoughts when I can though. We are not useless and lazy no matter what we say to ourselves. I have been a terrible housekeeper since my breakdown, and now I'm coming out of it. I told myself I was lazy and worthless. Didn't help. I started telling myself I had a mental and physical disability, and I started feeling better. It is so hard when you are depressed to feel good about yourself. I'm happy to see your posts everyday, since that means you are doing well enough to do that.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Wow, this is so me! I am restructuring my thoughts when I can though. We are not useless and lazy no matter what we say to ourselves. I have been a terrible housekeeper since my breakdown, and now I'm coming out of it. I told myself I was lazy and worthless. Didn't help. I started telling myself I had a mental and physical disability, and I started feeling better. It is so hard when you are depressed to feel good about yourself. I'm happy to see your posts everyday, since that means you are doing well enough to do that.

I'm working on mine too. But it's still in the early stages of working through them, so the more anxious something makes me, the worst thoughts I have and the longer it takes to get rid of them. I was raised to think hard work is one of the most important things in life. So now sometimes having days when I'm so anxious that I work in 15min increments with breaks, and take so much longer to finish anything, that just makes me feel like a horrible person. I was starting to get a hang of that feeling and on my productivity, but then all the staying in bed and health issues that changed my work schedule knocked me right back. I'm trying to use different strategies to get a hang on my brain and make it possible to get back in work flow, but for now it's all scattered and chaotic, with productive hours and then times when I'm so anxious I have panic attacks when I attempt to work and do insane things like 15min work- 15min break and... it feels like I have to fight myself all day just to get work done at all. Not a great feeling.

I know that DBT used to help me with reframing thoughts and also soothing myself enough so that I can even attempt it, but now... I don't know. I have lost so much time to physical health, I haven't allowed myself time for that. Plus I only have the book on computer and it tires my eyes to read it and to have to rewrite every exercise. I want to print it, but it's 300 pages so I'm waiting until I can. Sorry, I'm rambling. I got that anxious at work day kind of thing again right now. So I'm preparing for 8h of working in 15min increments and it feels brutal.

Thank you for writing though. Honestly writing on here has actually been really helpful for me lately. I guess I've been holding a lot inside. I should start journaling again, but right now everything I do takes so much effort, so...one thing at a time.