barefoot
Diamond Member
For the past 18 months-ish, I’ve been seeing my therapist once a fortnight for an hour per session. A few months ago, we seemed to be dipping a toe in to some interesting an important stuff re relationship dynamics and some weird things when I was a kid etc so I was thinking it would be good to return to weekly sessions to build some momentum around those things and start touching into trauma more. But I couldn’t afford to do that, so kept to fortnightly, then some here and now stuff came up around work so we parked the other stuff and focused there for a few sessions, which was useful.
After my summer holiday, I wanted to refocus on the relationship/trauma stuff, told her that and we booked a double session in to kick things back off.
And then my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly so the agenda for that double session then changed.
That was a month ago and, in those four weeks, I have gone to therapy every week for two hour sessions.
I have a one hour session booked in for tomorrow and then have hour long sessions booked in for every week for the rest of this month. Was then thinking I’d probably go back to fortnightly sessions.
She has been very caring and supportive re my mother’s death. Up until last session she had been very in touch, texting to check in most days. She has also been very insistent that I can text her whenever I like - she has actively encouraged me to keep in touch - and that, if I need to talk, I can just phone her including evenings and weekends (which I haven’t done)
Last session, I basically spent two hours factually debriefing the funeral. And I said I wasn’t really thinking about Mum and she said that it was fine that I wasn’t wanting/feeling able to process the loss/connect to my feelings about it yet.
I also told her that I had been dreaming about her quite a bit lately (my therapist, not my mum) and she said she didn’t think that was surprising....that, usually, we see each other for an hour a fortnight and rarely have contact in between and that, recently, we have been in touch most days and seen each other more. So, it’s not surprising that she’s more on my radar. And I described one dream to her and she interpreted it as being a metaphor of wondering whether I could trust a key female in my life at a time when I had just lost one with my mum’s passing...and she mentioned ideas around whether I could trust a key female in my life to be trustworthy, reliable, to not abandon me etc.
That evening after the session, I felt really upset and cried quite a bit about my Mum.
Since then, I have noticed that I feel very conflicted about therapy/my therapist.
On the one hand, there is part of me that feels really piney towards her....that wants to see her as much as I can because I want to sit with her and feel calm in her presence and feel like she cares about me. This makes me feel ugh! Like I’m needy and pathetic. It’s like a real longing for her.
On the other hand, another part of me feels very anxious about her and feels like cancelling my appointments and running from her/therapy altogether.
I feel really angry with her but I know she hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, she has been incredibly caring and supportive and a big help over the past few weeks and, over the past few months, I’ve actually felt that I’ve made good progress in terms of the therapeutic relationship - I’ve felt much less anxious about “being in relationship with her” and we have felt closer in a way that has felt ok (ie not anxiety-making). So, this feeling angry with her and wanting to quit therapy is an old pattern that I’d thought I’d got over. I’d thought I’d got to a point of feeling more secure attachment with her. And now it feels like two years ago when I was having really extreme feelings towards her - I was either really loving her and pining for her and counting the days between sessions and wanting to be with her or I felt absolutely furious with her for no real reason and wanted to fire her and, at the same time, felt frightened of her somehow, I think. Well, not frightened of her, really....frightened of the relationship/intimacy etc, I think...
I feel so conflicted and it is getting really exhausting and confusing.
She hasn’t kept in touch this past week, which is bothering me a bit but not to the point that it’s the cause of all this internal conflict, I don’t think. I don’t know whether she hasn’t been checking in because she doesn’t think I need it or because she has been busy with other things or because me telling her about the dream has made her think she should step back a bit or...what. I don’t actually need her to text me. I’m fine. But I was appreciating it when she was, because it was nice to think she was thinking of me and to be on the receiving end of her kindness and care. I did text her on Thursday to update her about a GP appointment and she texted back. So, although I have noticed she hasn’t been checking in as much and part of me has felt disappointed not to have had that connection with her, I don’t feel that that’s the cause of me now wanting to run.
Because I feel so conflicted, I don’t know:
- whether to go tomorrow or cancel
- if I go, whether to mention all this
- what to really talk about in my sessions now...I can talk about my mum in terms of talking around her dying and what happened at the funeral etc but am not feeling willing/able to really process/talk about the loss and what that really means. Talking around it seems pointless. But this doesn’t seem like the time to be diving back into the relationship dynamics/old trauma stuff either.
I just feel a bit lost really. And am disappointed in myself that I seem to have taken a massive leap backwards in terms of being in the therapeutic relationship. It all just feels like a bit of a mess. And I’m sure my therapist has no idea I’m feeling like this and she’s made a lot of effort to go above and beyond to keep in touch and offer extra support over the past few weeks so she doesn’t deserve me now feeling pissy towards her.
Not sure what to do ?
After my summer holiday, I wanted to refocus on the relationship/trauma stuff, told her that and we booked a double session in to kick things back off.
And then my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly so the agenda for that double session then changed.
That was a month ago and, in those four weeks, I have gone to therapy every week for two hour sessions.
I have a one hour session booked in for tomorrow and then have hour long sessions booked in for every week for the rest of this month. Was then thinking I’d probably go back to fortnightly sessions.
She has been very caring and supportive re my mother’s death. Up until last session she had been very in touch, texting to check in most days. She has also been very insistent that I can text her whenever I like - she has actively encouraged me to keep in touch - and that, if I need to talk, I can just phone her including evenings and weekends (which I haven’t done)
Last session, I basically spent two hours factually debriefing the funeral. And I said I wasn’t really thinking about Mum and she said that it was fine that I wasn’t wanting/feeling able to process the loss/connect to my feelings about it yet.
I also told her that I had been dreaming about her quite a bit lately (my therapist, not my mum) and she said she didn’t think that was surprising....that, usually, we see each other for an hour a fortnight and rarely have contact in between and that, recently, we have been in touch most days and seen each other more. So, it’s not surprising that she’s more on my radar. And I described one dream to her and she interpreted it as being a metaphor of wondering whether I could trust a key female in my life at a time when I had just lost one with my mum’s passing...and she mentioned ideas around whether I could trust a key female in my life to be trustworthy, reliable, to not abandon me etc.
That evening after the session, I felt really upset and cried quite a bit about my Mum.
Since then, I have noticed that I feel very conflicted about therapy/my therapist.
On the one hand, there is part of me that feels really piney towards her....that wants to see her as much as I can because I want to sit with her and feel calm in her presence and feel like she cares about me. This makes me feel ugh! Like I’m needy and pathetic. It’s like a real longing for her.
On the other hand, another part of me feels very anxious about her and feels like cancelling my appointments and running from her/therapy altogether.
I feel really angry with her but I know she hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, she has been incredibly caring and supportive and a big help over the past few weeks and, over the past few months, I’ve actually felt that I’ve made good progress in terms of the therapeutic relationship - I’ve felt much less anxious about “being in relationship with her” and we have felt closer in a way that has felt ok (ie not anxiety-making). So, this feeling angry with her and wanting to quit therapy is an old pattern that I’d thought I’d got over. I’d thought I’d got to a point of feeling more secure attachment with her. And now it feels like two years ago when I was having really extreme feelings towards her - I was either really loving her and pining for her and counting the days between sessions and wanting to be with her or I felt absolutely furious with her for no real reason and wanted to fire her and, at the same time, felt frightened of her somehow, I think. Well, not frightened of her, really....frightened of the relationship/intimacy etc, I think...
I feel so conflicted and it is getting really exhausting and confusing.
She hasn’t kept in touch this past week, which is bothering me a bit but not to the point that it’s the cause of all this internal conflict, I don’t think. I don’t know whether she hasn’t been checking in because she doesn’t think I need it or because she has been busy with other things or because me telling her about the dream has made her think she should step back a bit or...what. I don’t actually need her to text me. I’m fine. But I was appreciating it when she was, because it was nice to think she was thinking of me and to be on the receiving end of her kindness and care. I did text her on Thursday to update her about a GP appointment and she texted back. So, although I have noticed she hasn’t been checking in as much and part of me has felt disappointed not to have had that connection with her, I don’t feel that that’s the cause of me now wanting to run.
Because I feel so conflicted, I don’t know:
- whether to go tomorrow or cancel
- if I go, whether to mention all this
- what to really talk about in my sessions now...I can talk about my mum in terms of talking around her dying and what happened at the funeral etc but am not feeling willing/able to really process/talk about the loss and what that really means. Talking around it seems pointless. But this doesn’t seem like the time to be diving back into the relationship dynamics/old trauma stuff either.
I just feel a bit lost really. And am disappointed in myself that I seem to have taken a massive leap backwards in terms of being in the therapeutic relationship. It all just feels like a bit of a mess. And I’m sure my therapist has no idea I’m feeling like this and she’s made a lot of effort to go above and beyond to keep in touch and offer extra support over the past few weeks so she doesn’t deserve me now feeling pissy towards her.
Not sure what to do ?
