Massive internal conflict re therapy/therapist....again!

[hithere]

I also just can't seem to get to the point in sessions. I blank out entirely at times. Just completely blank out. I understand she doesn't want to say something that could be contrued as "pressure" leaving you with the decision to get back to her. I think she would have to say that; she doesn't want to "keep" as in control you. However, can you schedule another appointment with her, send her message this is the topic I want to discuss, and please bring it up if I can't? Do you really have to wait a super long time to resolve it?

 

[Friday]

We didn’t really get a chance to discuss it because I just dropped it on her at the end

<chuckling> I worked with an MSW in an unofficial /quasi official capacity for a few years (not PTSD stuff, life stuff) and that was my M.O. I didn’t even realize it until she pointed it out to me, and then I spent ages trying to change it, and failing. And then one day I looked up and hasn’t don’t it for yonks.

She said she just counted on that if there was anything really BIG going on with me? That she wouldn’t hear about it until the last 5 minutes, whether we spent an hour together or 4, and if it was reeeeeeeally big not until I had my hand on the knob and was literally walking out. I would drop whatever bomb it was & walk my happy ass out the door.

She said in the beginning it really freaked her out, from a clinical point of view, but that her supervisor asked her what happened next? We came back to it next week. That essentially what I was doing was providing next week’s topic of conversation a week in advance. Her supervisor said that was fine. That some people just need that kind of distance & control over a bad situation that they don’t have any other kind of control over. So here’s X, prepare yourself, because that’s what is up next time!!! :sneaky::eek::D Shrug. She said it would be different if I were decompensating or going to crisis during the week interim, but that since I seemed to be managing myself? Needing that distance actually showed that I was a) already self-regulating by applying space between awareness and working on it, b) showing a lot of conditional trust / willingness to build trust by handing a nuke over, and seeing if my MSW would still be there next week (and other experiments in response). By still being there, not freaking out, etc. that I’d slowly learn to bring things to her in real time. Unless something threw me. In which case I’d probably revert for a little while to “By the waaaaaaay....” (this thing I’ve been sitting on all session) & “Oh! I forgot! This.” <<< Which was, by the way, exactly what happened.

 

[barefoot]

That doesn't really sound like a failure to me.

It sun's like it took you the better part of a session to work up the courage to bring up a difficult, complicated, confusing topic. But you did and then ran out of time. Not a failure.

Thanks @scout86 - and others - who said this wasn’t a failure because I did actually manage to bring it up...I thought about all this a lot yesterday and did finally manage to get to a place of feeling less frustrated with myself. And reading all your messages saying it wasn’t a failure did help a lot with that.

@Friday your post made me remember that I have done this loads of times too - including the casually dropping a bomb when my hand is on the door handle before then bolting and sprinting down the stairs! And, yeah....I think, without realising it, I haven’t done that for a while...
I’m quite surprised that your therapist was freaked out about it though - mine has said it’s really common...that lots of people drop a bomb right at the end when they’re out of time because they can blurt what they need to blurt and get it out in the space but have the safety of knowing that they won’t have to say anything more about it that day. And, as you say, it’s then out there to set up another conversation another time. Thanks for the reminder.

In this case, maybe that means sitting with the discomfort of enjoying her company and what you're getting out of it. And then trying to figure out what about that is so uncomfortable.

Yes...I think there is something in this, for sure...
I think it’s something around someone showing they care and me liking how it feels/liking the attention...and then that makes me feel needy and pathetic...and maybe a little manipulative? A bit like I feel bad because I’ve somehow duped them into being nice to me or something?!
I don’t know, because that doesn’t really make sense...something to think more about...

No need to answer but it made me wonder if you didn't get all you wanted from your mum. I hope thats OK to say here at this time. I think its OK to discuss and have all feelings we have when there is a loss.

Yes, it’s ok to say @Abstract - and thanks for your sensitivity in checking. My mum was fun and funny and smiley and friendly...and I have never, ever felt unloved. Quite the opposite. Her family were her world.

And...she could be quite vicious and judgey and critical...she could be quite blunt (to the point of sounding mean) sometimes but then was super sensitive herself and took offence easily even when there was absolutely no offence intended. So, she could be quite unpredictable...I used to phone her or go to visit and always felt quite tense beforehand wondering how she would be...would it be easy and fun with lots of laughs or would she be quite difficult to be around. I often used to feel that she didn’t listen...but it was hard to know whether it was that or whether she heard and then forgot!

In the past, when I have had ruptures with my therapist, it has always been about me feeling angry with her because I felt that she hadn’t been straightforward, I didn’t know where I stood and I was finding her inconsistent so didn’t feel clear about how to set my expectations. I guess now I can see a link in those things to my mum...!

And then I suppose there’s this, which I haven’t got any further with and I haven’t discussed it any more with my therapist...the idea of my mum perhaps being “less than ideal” in a situationwith a doctor that then turned out to be abusive:

“betrayal from mother” and blame?

So, there are some conflicting feelings, for sure. But, overall, I really loved her and I’ll really miss her. Although I’ve been deliberately not thinking about her because I can’t bear to properly engage with the loss and my feelings about it yet, I’ve had an almost constant ache in my chest for the past weeks.

You said you may go back to fortnightly sessions , this sounds like a plan. Get your appointment booked in .

I texted me therapist yesterday morning and have booked a longer session in next week. Later on, I then emailed her to better express what was going on and how I was feeling. I felt better having sent it - she doesn’t reply to “psychological content” emails, only to logistical things, which is fine....I just felt some relief getting it out of my head and over to her so next session we both have a starting point and can go from there. So, I’m hoping that in next week’s session we can discuss some of this so I can hopefully get to a point of feeling less stressed about it all.
I think then going back to fortnightly sessions will feel more manageable but I’ve left that open and haven’t booked any further appointments as yet.

Thanks everyone for helping me work through this. I’m feeling a bit teary today ?

 

[Freemartin]

someone showing they care and me liking how it feels/liking the attention...and then that makes me feel needy and pathetic...and maybe a little manipulative?

Oh wow, yea, totally relate. I just hate that manipulative feeling.

 

[Teasel]

Glad that you were able to get how you feel off your chest and into an email.

Glad too you feel a little less frustrated with yourself :-)

 

[Abstract]

? If OK. Brave you. These things are always complex as are all relationships. Sounds like you took great further steps.

 

[barefoot]

My therapist replied to my email, which I wasn’t expecting at all. She was kind and encouraging and reassuring...said it’s a “complex and difficult time” for me.

She also said let’s discuss all the areas I mentioned in my email when we meet next week. I was sort of hoping we wouldn’t have to talk about it all if I’d clearly written it out....no such luck! Going to try not to think about that just now....my five minutes of blurting about it this week felt completely excruciating...my anxiety shot of the scale, my voice got hijacked, I was literally squirming in my seat while trying the whole time not to cry. So, I’m not sure how discussing all the points in my email during a two hour session is going to go...

I may take a Valium before I go...I’ve wondered about doing that before in anticipation of a tough session...think I may have posted here about it actually. Have never actually done it. I wonder if it might help to make things feel...more tolerable/bearable, I suppose...?

 

[scout86]

I was sort of hoping we wouldn’t have to talk about it all if I’d clearly written it out....no such luck

I can relate to that! :) She sounds very nice. And she IS on your side in all this. It will probably go better than you think.

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 Yes, she is very nice and she is on my side...I think that’s somehow part of the problem?!

But I’m sure she will manage the session well and do what she can to make it less excruciating. I hope I will find it all less stressful once we’ve properly talked it through.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe its a little like exposure therapy? Sitting with the niceness and the care?

 

[talon]

For the past 18 months-ish, I’ve been seeing my therapist once a fortnight for an hour per session. A few months ago, we seemed to be dipping a toe in to some interesting an important stuff re relationship dynamics and some weird things when I was a kid etc so I was thinking it would be good to return to weekly sessions to build some momentum around those things and start touching into trauma more. But I couldn’t afford to do that, so kept to fortnightly, then some here and now stuff came up around work so we parked the other stuff and focused there for a few sessions, which was useful.

After my summer holiday, I wanted to refocus on the relationship/trauma stuff, told her that and we booked a double session in to kick things back off.

And then my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly so the agenda for that double session then changed.

That was a month ago and, in those four weeks, I have gone to therapy every week for two hour sessions.

I have a one hour session booked in for tomorrow and then have hour long sessions booked in for every week for the rest of this month. Was then thinking I’d probably go back to fortnightly sessions.

She has been very caring and supportive re my mother’s death. Up until last session she had been very in touch, texting to check in most days. She has also been very insistent that I can text her whenever I like - she has actively encouraged me to keep in touch - and that, if I need to talk, I can just phone her including evenings and weekends (which I haven’t done)

Last session, I basically spent two hours factually debriefing the funeral. And I said I wasn’t really thinking about Mum and she said that it was fine that I wasn’t wanting/feeling able to process the loss/connect to my feelings about it yet.

I also told her that I had been dreaming about her quite a bit lately (my therapist, not my mum) and she said she didn’t think that was surprising....that, usually, we see each other for an hour a fortnight and rarely have contact in between and that, recently, we have been in touch most days and seen each other more. So, it’s not surprising that she’s more on my radar. And I described one dream to her and she interpreted it as being a metaphor of wondering whether I could trust a key female in my life at a time when I had just lost one with my mum’s passing...and she mentioned ideas around whether I could trust a key female in my life to be trustworthy, reliable, to not abandon me etc.

That evening after the session, I felt really upset and cried quite a bit about my Mum.

Since then, I have noticed that I feel very conflicted about therapy/my therapist.

On the one hand, there is part of me that feels really piney towards her....that wants to see her as much as I can because I want to sit with her and feel calm in her presence and feel like she cares about me. This makes me feel ugh! Like I’m needy and pathetic. It’s like a real longing for her.

On the other hand, another part of me feels very anxious about her and feels like cancelling my appointments and running from her/therapy altogether.

I feel really angry with her but I know she hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, she has been incredibly caring and supportive and a big help over the past few weeks and, over the past few months, I’ve actually felt that I’ve made good progress in terms of the therapeutic relationship - I’ve felt much less anxious about “being in relationship with her” and we have felt closer in a way that has felt ok (ie not anxiety-making). So, this feeling angry with her and wanting to quit therapy is an old pattern that I’d thought I’d got over. I’d thought I’d got to a point of feeling more secure attachment with her. And now it feels like two years ago when I was having really extreme feelings towards her - I was either really loving her and pining for her and counting the days between sessions and wanting to be with her or I felt absolutely furious with her for no real reason and wanted to fire her and, at the same time, felt frightened of her somehow, I think. Well, not frightened of her, really....frightened of the relationship/intimacy etc, I think...

I feel so conflicted and it is getting really exhausting and confusing.

She hasn’t kept in touch this past week, which is bothering me a bit but not to the point that it’s the cause of all this internal conflict, I don’t think. I don’t know whether she hasn’t been checking in because she doesn’t think I need it or because she has been busy with other things or because me telling her about the dream has made her think she should step back a bit or...what. I don’t actually need her to text me. I’m fine. But I was appreciating it when she was, because it was nice to think she was thinking of me and to be on the receiving end of her kindness and care. I did text her on Thursday to update her about a GP appointment and she texted back. So, although I have noticed she hasn’t been checking in as much and part of me has felt disappointed not to have had that connection with her, I don’t feel that that’s the cause of me now wanting to run.

Because I feel so conflicted, I don’t know:

- whether to go tomorrow or cancel

- if I go, whether to mention all this

- what to really talk about in my sessions now...I can talk about my mum in terms of talking around her dying and what happened at the funeral etc but am not feeling willing/able to really process/talk about the loss and what that really means. Talking around it seems pointless. But this doesn’t seem like the time to be diving back into the relationship dynamics/old trauma stuff either.
I just feel a bit lost really. And am disappointed in myself that I seem to have taken a massive leap backwards in terms of being in the therapeutic relationship. It all just feels like a bit of a mess. And I’m sure my therapist has no idea I’m feeling like this and she’s made a lot of effort to go above and beyond to keep in touch and offer extra support over the past few weeks so she doesn’t deserve me now feeling pissy towards her.
Not sure what to do ?

In the therapeutic process there must be boundaries . This should be a caring relationship but therapists are human .They also need re-assurance and to know they are the doing the best for you . I don't know how many other client's your therapist has or whether she can give you what you need given there may be others who are as equally as needy . The roots of your problems are your past trauma and how it affects the here and now . Being over reliant on your therapist will not help you or her. Whilst i am not suggesting you are i am only basing this on the relationship you have mentioned is very close . It's your therapists job to do all she can to provide the very best for you in your healing process . But she can only achieve this within her own limitations in her care and support for others . Be as honest and as open as you can about your feelings . Its important it works for you in a professional setting . I do not know how much therapy you will have or how much therapy is available or how much you will need . What is important is it delivers for you . Finishing this relationship without issues being resolved can do more harm than good. I hope this helps

 

[barefoot]

@ROBERT TALON - have you read this whole thread? Because I’m not sure what it is that I’ve written that’s making you think I need telling that there must be boundaries in the therapeutic process? Or why you think I need a reminder that therapists are human?

You seem to be suggesting that we are lacking in boundaries and that I am overly dependent on her and demanding too much of her. Because, while you say you’re not suggesting that I am, I don’t know why you would say it if that’s not what you’re thinking?!

I briefly felt disappointed that she had stopped texting to check in, because it had been nice having that extra support at a difficult time. We don’t generally communicate between sessions apart from logistical/scheduling stuff or, very occasionally, I’ll email her something to explain something I had struggled to express in session or to set something up for what I want to talk about next time. She doesn’t reply to those - it just gives me space if I want to to get something out of my head and send it to her so that I don’t need to think/worry about it anymore and we can then just pick it up together next session. She started texting regularly a few weeks ago because my mother died totally suddenly and unexpectedly. So, it was quite exceptional circumstances.

The push/pull and conflict around wanting to be in relationship with her/wanting to run isn’t an issue of boundaries or anything about her. As you say, it’s likely to be related to trauma. And I think it has also been exacerbated by my mother’s sudden death. And some current triggering stuff in the news. That’s why I’m hanging in there, showing up to sessions and being open about these current feelings that are confusing even though it feels mortifying and excruciating.