Massive internal conflict re therapy/therapist....again!

[blackemerald1]

I may take a Valium before I go...I’ve wondered about doing that before in anticipation of a tough session...

^^ @barefoot - I'd hold off on the Valium till after the session with T.

I think if you get deregulated whilst in therapy - you are in the perfect place to get some help.

It's outside and later on when you do not have your T that the Valium may be needed.

I know it is extremely difficult but please try to wade through all of your stuff when with your T - without damping it down.

I think it is important that your T see and hear how painful this all is for you - so she can help.

:hug:

 

[Abstract]

Good luck @barefoot

 

[barefoot]

@blackemerald1 yes, you’re right.
I know I’m in absolutely the right place there if I get dysregulated and that she will help. And I know that, if I’m going to get upset and cry with someone, there’s surely no one better to do it with than one’s therapist.

But the thought of getting upset and crying in front of her (or anyone else) is so anxiety-making. It feels so excruciating and out of control and exposed and shameful - even though, intellectually, I know those things aren’t right.

I think I’m putting so much effort and energy into staying composed - both about my mum dying and this push/pull with my therapist - and wondered if a Valium might help with that. But, you’re right, probably best to go having not taken anything but take it with me in case it would be helpful for getting home afterwards.

I will definitely try my best to dig around in it all with her. I’m just worried that I’m going to find it overwhelming and then not be able to voice anything. But that’s why I emailed her, I guess...so she knows what’s going on so I don’t need to bring those things up myself, cold. Hopefully she will help to guide the conversation. And I will try very hard to be honest about how difficult I’m finding it and not gloss over things and focus on trying to look ok.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh barefoot this is such a really sad time for you right now. Idk how you are holding yourself together.

Your therapist is absolutely the right person to disclose all of your feelings that don't have to be sanitised for family and friends.

I think emailing your therapist is a very good idea and I am glad you have done that. Can you email her with more of what you described above and let her know you may find it very difficult to speak about, want to avoid or dismiss it out of hand but it is really causing you a lot of pain while you grieve? That way she can steer the session and keep you focused on moving through it.

:hug:

 

[barefoot]

Feeling incredibly nervous about my session tomorrow.
I just don’t know what to say so hope she will guide the session a bit (a lot!)

I hurt myself. Nothing serious or sinister. Just an old habit that doesn’t rear its head very often anymore. I feel ashamed and disgusted. Telling her would feel mortifying. And conversations we’ve had in the past about it haven’t ever proved very useful. Mainly because I have tended to get defensive.

I feel a bit broken. But not sure whether I can say that ie whether I could actually express that things are this hard at the moment. Or whether I even should.

And I emailed her a few days ago about a news story that was triggering. And now I’m hoping she doesn’t bring that up tomorrow.

The therapeutic relationship stuff, my mum, the news story....it all feels a bit much at the moment ?

 

[Teasel]

it all feels a bit much at the moment

I can imagine it does. Well actually it is a lot. Well wishes for tomorrow @barefoot :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Lots of support to you Barefoot. You don't have to fill expectations. Things are what they are and you are at where you are at.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel a bit broken. But not sure whether I can say that ie whether I could actually express that things are this hard at the moment. Or whether I even should.

^^I think you should either send her long emails and vent or if you think that is too much do some dot points on what are the most prevalent feelings you are experiencing. Then let her guide you. Ask for guidance. Just say can you help me through all of this, I don't know the way.

The therapeutic relationship stuff, my mum, the news story....it all feels a bit much at the moment

^^Because it all is too much - trust you own feelings.

Could you ask her to concentrate on things that are destabilising you the most and leave the other subjects until you feel less broken?

It's not avoiding or disregarding. It is managing. Remember your mother's passing came suddenly and you are still shocked and grieving.

 

[barefoot]

I was a bit rubbish in the session today...I seem to have regressed to a point when I found it difficult (pretty much impossible actually) to bring up anything in therapy and instead hoped that she would just magically read my mind and bring things up for me...

In the end, she did bring up my blurting last session/the email I’d sent her. By that point there were only about 20 mins or so left of the session. That felt a bit frustrating in the moment. But, in retrospect, I think she was probably pacing it carefully. It was so utterly excruciating and stressful doing those 5 mins of blurting last week that I actually don’t think I would have tolerated it if I’d have actively tried to address it for the whole session today.

She didn’t mention the triggering news story I sent her....a bit relieved at that. I’m not sure if she didn’t see the email or whether she forgot or she was waiting for me to say about it....Or whether she thought it would tip me over the edge if she brought it up today! Which it probably would have, to be fair.

She said it was understandable that feelings were being triggered...that this (my mum) has been traumatic and a huge shock and a massive life event. And that it happens to all of us...that we think we’ve done good work on things and processed stuff and moved on...then something major happens and we get triggered and then suddenly feelings come up and old patterns start repeating again etc.

She said that, when things feel excruciating/unbearable/intolerable etc, that’s ok...the space is there for me to feel those things, name them and then we can hold them together. And she encouraged me to accept the feelings that are there rather than trying to change them.

In a way, that feels reassuring and sort of comforting/calming. In another way though, if the thing feeling excruciating is being in relationship with her (even though that is probably actually about other stuff)...doesn’t that kind of mean that the relationship/space becomes the trigger and is also supposed to be the the place that I’m meant to be feeling safe to feel the triggered feelings in?! Not sure if I’ve misunderstood...

Plus...I don’t really want to accept the feelings....I’d rather change them. Stop them. I don’t want to feel this internal conflict, this push/pull. I thought we could somehow do something to make it go away. But that doesn’t seem to be an option?!

I booked a session for the week after next...there’s already a part of me pining and wishing I’d booked to go next week. FFS! I feel so pathetic ?

 

[MyWillow]

I think you did awesome. Just sayin’ :hug:

 

[hithere]

I am now going every two weeks, and I don't think I can really do that. I have to come up with solutions for the off week. So I'm reading your posts with interest. Hang in there. sometimes I feel like a masochist and wonder if I am concerning therapy.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @MyWillow - I definitely don’t feel remotely awesome about anything of this so it’s nice (if a little bemusing) to see you say that!

@hithere What has lead to you switching to going fortnightly? And what is it about that set up that you’re feeling you can’t do?
Early on in my therapy, I was in a bad way and off work for a few months so we upped my sessions to twice a week - one x two hour session and one x one hour session. Then I dropped back to one x two hour session per week. Then to one x 90 min session per week. Then for the last 18 months-ish I’ve been going fortnightly for an hour - until upping them recently to longer weekly sessions to get some extra support after my Mum passed away.

To be honest, I thought the move from weekly to fortnightly (which was purely for financial reasons) would be extremely difficult. In particular, I thought I’d really pine for my therapist, really struggle with missing her and obsess about counting down the days between sessions. And I worried that going less frequently would maybe create a disconnection with her...like I would somehow fall out of relationship and lose trust in her during the gap between sessions.

It hasn’t worked out like that though - it’s actually been much better than I had expected. Sure, it took a bit of adjusting to at the start but it really wasn’t a major deal and it didn’t take long at all to get into the new routine.

The big plus for me in switching to fortnightly is that it creates some space around things. Going weekly, fairly long term did often make therapy/session content feel all-encompassing. Plus, if I had a rough session (particularly if I dissociated badly) it took me the best part of a week to recover and then it was time to go back in for the next round.
It felt like a pretty brutal routine at times. So, putting some space in between sessions did help in putting some space around sessions and lessening the intensity of the impact on my day-to-day life. And, of course, a practical plus - going fortnightly saves a lot of money ?

There are some things that I do sometimes find challenging about not going weekly, so I’ll share them in case they are of use to you:

- if we have finished a session with something pretty big left hanging or if I haven’t managed to bring up something I wanted to bring up, two weeks feels like a long time to wait before I get a chance to go back in and pick it up again/try to bring it up again. When I haven’t been able to express what I wanted to express (because I couldn’t get the words out) I will often send her an email, just so that I have got it out of my head and expressed it somehow. She’s ok with me doing that and will happily read things but not respond. It relieves some anxiety for me so I’m not just stewing about it for two weeks. If we finish a session with something really key hanging, I’ll often try to add an extra session the following week and, if she can accommodate itin her diary, she will do that, no problem.

- when I was switching to fortnightly and feeling unhappy about having to do that, someone here advised me (I think it may have been @Suzetig ) to find a way to sort of park things between sessions because you can’t possibly hold onto everything for two weeks. Sometimes, that’s hard to do. So, it might be worth you thinking about what could help you with that. Journaling? Using the forum? Finding new distraction methods/grounding tools? This may be worth talking to your T about.

- it can sometimes feel a bit stop/start and feel difficult to build momentum around things. For me, this has mainly been because I have a habit of jumping around from topic to topic - and those topics being a mixture of here and now stuff and historical trauma-related stuff. So, I sometimes feel like we have lots of plates in the air/lots of lose ends and like I don’t really get to fully move everything on. This would still happen if I went weekly, I think...but I think having a longer gap between sessions can exacerbate that sense of lack of momentum.

- if you’re concerned about the routine/missing your therapist or missing the fact that you always go to therapy at that time and now you’re not....what can you put in place for your usual session time on the weeks you won’t now be going? Could you arrange to call a friend/meet a friend for coffee? Could you do some other self-development work (read a trauma-related book or watch relevant YouTube videos)? Could you agree some homework with your T in the previous session that you then do in that time slot)? Could you journal? Could you write out the conversation you would like to have with your T at that time if you were in the room together? Could you take up a hobby or sign up for a class to take or even just pledge to go for a walk or do something else pleasurable at that time instead?

Fortnightly sessions can work and may turn out to feel better than you think. But we all need different things at different times. If it’s something that’s really concerning you about it, I hope you’ll be able to share your concerns with your T and that, together, you can come up with some ideas that may help you make the adjustment (or find a way around not switching to fortnightly just now)