Massive internal conflict re therapy/therapist....again!

[talon]

@ROBERT TALON - have you read this whole thread? Because I’m not sure what it is that I’ve written that’s making you think I need telling that there must be boundaries in the therapeutic process? Or why you think I need a reminder that therapists are human?

You seem to be suggesting that we are lacking in boundaries and that I am overly dependent on her and demanding too much of her. Because, while you say you’re not suggesting that I am, I don’t know why you would say it if that’s not what you’re thinking?!

I briefly felt disappointed that she had stopped texting to check in, because it had been nice having that extra support at a difficult time. We don’t generally communicate between sessions apart from logistical/scheduling stuff or, very occasionally, I’ll email her something to explain something I had struggled to express in session or to set something up for what I want to talk about next time. She doesn’t reply to those - it just gives me space if I want to to get something out of my head and send it to her so that I don’t need to think/worry about it anymore and we can then just pick it up together next session. She started texting regularly a few weeks ago because my mother died totally suddenly and unexpectedly. So, it was quite exceptional circumstances.

The push/pull and conflict around wanting to be in relationship with her/wanting to run isn’t an issue of boundaries or anything about her. As you say, it’s likely to be related to trauma. And I think it has also been exacerbated by my mother’s sudden death. And some current triggering stuff in the news. That’s why I’m hanging in there, showing up to sessions and being open about these current feelings that are confusing even though it feels mortifying and excruciating.

Good no i wasn't suggesting that you were over reliant or that boundaries are / were blurred . Maybe i missed something but what i read i felt needed clarification . I hope that you understand that i was merely commenting on the fact your therapist may be also taking on too much. If she could not cope then she would not benefit you . Apologies if i misunderstood

 

[hithere]

@hithere What has lead to you switching to going fortnightly? And what is it about that set up that you’re feeling you can’t do?

thank you @barefoot for this post to me about going every other week. I need to go back and read it again as you have listed a lot of helpful things. The reasons that it's difficult you have listed as well. Mainly my relationship with my T is a start and stop one as there have been many times I have been hurt and completely misunderstood. It has been bewildering. The T has admited to be ambivalent and it's been a mess. Still in all of that mess, somehow my intenral "gatekeeper" opened the gate and let out so very very painful things-like opening pandora's box. Then the schedule was full and I couldn't get back in for two weeks, to finally get back in to find out I had to wait 4 weeks due to a full schedule. I can't even begin to explain the hell I experienced until it all calmed down. By the time I finally got back in I couldn't reconnect easily and it was start and stop again. Then another misunderstanding at this point I can't help but wonder if there isn't something going on subconsciously with the T that is causing some of it. Anyway the difficulty reconnecting is hard, and my mind will work between the long sessions to convince it isn't worth it anymore. The part of me that really want to tell someone what happened has lost hope in many, many ways and coaxing that person back out is at this point impossible.

The T doesn't allow emails except for schedule changes. Their email is not private as every employee, even the receiptionist, at the clinic can read the emails. The T is not willing to share a private email address with me. The reason the change was made, the T made the change and said it is impossible to meet weekly anymore. At first was being seen twice a week, and got the most work done on a major trauma during that time. Then it went to weekly for over a year and a half. The T has had a career change (they say I don't know if that's true or not) but none the less they changed it to every other week. I feels like a way to discourage me from coming to be completely honest. The T said they would reach out to me via phone on the off week. They did do that twice, but then did not do it last time at all. Then didn't mention it again. It was very disappointing to say the least. No matter how hard I tried to not to feel pained about that, I do. It is hard to understand why they would say they will do something and then forget or just not do it.

 

[blackemerald1]

@hithere - your circumstances with your T sound ugh!

What a mess. There needs to be consistency or at least some kind of agreement on what will or won't be happening.

You should be able to give your opinion about the change in appointment schedule and be given clear reasons why.

I guess it would have been ideal to also have been given the opportunity to wean down to the alternate week appointments with some reliable communication in between to help.

Have you considered changing T's?

 

[Friday]

The T has had a career change (they say I don't know if that's true or not) but none the less they changed it to every other week. I feels like a way to discourage me from coming to be completely honest.

Or you could look at it the other way around?

Despite changing careers, instead of simply discontinuing your therapy with them? They’re not only squeaking you into their schedule every other week to ease the transition for you, but also ringing you to touch base during most off weeks.

Rather than shove off... That sounds pretty cool, and very above/beyond, to be honest.

Certainly doesn’t mean that it meets your needs trauma-therapy-wise, but it gives you the opportunity to keep a source of support in your life whilst looking for a new therapist that can meet weekly/twice a week to do trauma work with.

 

[barefoot]

@hithere Dropping to fortnightly sessions because it’s your T’s decision not yours sounds tough - ideally, these sorts of changes are collaborative where you both discuss things and work things out together. So, I feel for you in that going fortnightly wasn’t your choice and I understand how you are maybe feeling fobbed off/abandoned/that she’s trying to get rid of you etc.

I do think there’s something in what @Friday says though...that your T is changing careers so can no longer accommodate weekly sessions...but she is still finding a way to continue to work with you (ie fortnightly sessions) and has also provided some phone support where she can between sessions to help you with the transition. So, I don’t see this as her not caring/her wanting to put you off coming to sessions. I think she is offering to provide you with the most that she can at a time when her work set up/availability etc is different because of her career change.

But - just because she is doing her best to find a way to continue to work with you, that doesn’t mean that what she’s offering you now works for you. Perhaps you do really want/need someone you can see weekly. Or someone who is open to emails between sessions (especially if going fortnightly and if you sometimes find it difficult to bring things up and express what you need to in sessions)

Perhaps something to discuss with her and see what you can put in place to ease the transition to fortnightly sessions and see how it goes for a bit. And also know that, if it’s not working for you and her availability isn’t going to change in the foreseeable, you do still have a choice...you can choose to find a T who does have the availability to provide you with the support you need at this time.

Good luck with it. These things can be difficult to navigate.

 

[hithere]

Thank you @barefoot