General What are they thinking?

[HopefulD]

If we get past this, maybe. He really likes to dismiss anything I have to say sometimes about the subject. I think when I say something, he feels like I'm judging or blaming him, I'm not. I guess I deal with this l il ke my son's asperger's or my own PTSD it just is...there's no connotation attached. It's something in our lives that needs to be dealt with.

I know he absolutely won't listen right now...in one ear and out the other. Maybe he thinks I bring stuff up to blame him or his PTSD for the "breakup" like I'm not talking him seriously. Or that I'm making excuses to hold on when he told me to leave, and I'm not "doing what I am told".

Well, I do believe him. I believe he believes there are bigger problems than I think there are. I believe it's not worth separating myself until we really are. We talk almost every day. We have plans with the kids...that's not how breakups work. Now, I'm not saying we're together either.
I guess what we are needs it's own category...the situation (like most things in life) isn't black and white, there's lots of shading and layers.
But he has a hard time with that.

He's not willing to think about anything other than "his version " of reality right now. I suppose nothing else, including the truth is safe to him right now. So if I show truth when he's like this, or share articles or whatever, I don't think it's really received...maybe at a later date if at all.

Do you guys see those things, or feel shifts in your "realities"? Are you ever willing to admit them? I think the only thing I can do is be safe and hope he reconnects. But in order to do that, I have to be a place he can connect back too.

I too think about how mine views PTSD. He acknowledged it and told me he was looking into an online test for it. We spoke about his plans for group therapy but he still isn't willing to give up the gov contractor job that's causing the trauma. So I'm confused. My thought is he's not willing to give up the adrenaline rush... the life he loves. I can only assume he knows he's got to change. Otherwise why mention getting diagnosed and therapy with me?

 

[Freida]

He's finally in treatment regularly. His EMDR starts in two weeks!

yea! and so happy you have already done this so you know how he will feel and that when he tanks it's not because of you

What things has your husband done to garner your trust?

wow -- that is a really good question and I'm not sure I have an answer. The first thing that came to mind is "well, he is still here." I think trust came from patience. No matter what I did to get rid of him it didn't work. Of course it helps that he is my polar opposite -- I'm like a ping pong ball and he is like one of those kettle balls that never moves. :laugh:

Did you ever try to break up with him or leave him in the past?

yep. I don't know how many times I've told him to get out. He says ok, waits around for a while, I lose the urge to kill him, we go back to normal. I've always been a fan of counseling (which is hilarious when I think about these days) so we've done marriage counseling a couple times. This was long before we knew I was nuts. One of the best things I ever heard was when a T told us that ALL marriages go thru cycles and that about every 5 to 7 years we would want to divorce. Which, 23 years in - is true. Our counseling was always about how to communicate rather than how to "feel" which is probably why it worked. T said we needed to learn to fight more effectively - and that was surprisingly helpful

I don't want to change him, but I think he will feel better if he genuinely works his treatment. He deserves that.

.

For me, I didn't start my healing until I got into the real issue...the PTSD. The rest helps, but only like a band aid for a partially severed limb...

Yep - but he has to be ready to hear that

I suppose nothing else, including the truth is safe to him right now.

He's not willing to think about anything other than "his version " of reality right now.

Are you ever willing to admit them?

I don't know that i wasn't willing to "think". I was stuck in "nothing to think about". It was like I KNEW the sky was purple but everyone else insisted it was blue. That was their truth, but it didn't make sense to me. And it was so fundamental it was impossible to get thru my brain that there was another option. Plus I carried so very much shame after I was diagnosed. I just went off on a tangent about that in my diary -- finally...after FIVE years, I'm letting go of the shame of the diagnosis. Not what caused the ptsd - that's still a work in progress. And if he's a cop? Oh that adds an entire other level to the embarrassment. Emergency services people Do.Not.Crack. If you do? It's a level of humiliation that is really hard to live with. People in the field avoid you like the plague because if it happens to you it could happen to them. It's seen as a huge, huge, failure or weakness. The shame of being called "that person with ptsd" was devastating. So you hold on as long as you can.

My thought is he's not willing to give up the adrenaline rush... the life he loves.

Yep - I stayed in my job many more years than I should have because adrenaline kept me distracted. You can't think about ptsd when your brain has a million other things that have to be thought of RIGHT NOW.

 

[GatorsFan12]

I have a question for sufferers. I know this will be a different answer for everyone, but if you logically know that someone did nothing wrong to you, and wouldn’t hurt you, do you still shut them out? The person I’m dealing with has caused so much confusion for me...it went from complete adoration for me, to “I need lots of space and time”, literally overnight, and I just can’t make sense of any of it. It’s been over a month since any real contact, and she doesn’t seem like the person to ghost someone, but being ignored definitely isn’t a great sign. I’ve already talked about this in a thread that I made, but I wanted to see if there’s other who could give a perspective on this as well.

 

[somerandomguy]

if you logically know that someone did nothing wrong to you, and wouldn’t hurt you, do you still shut them out?

Yup. Ask my poor wife sometime. In my brain it's quite easy to confuse her and my abuser, probably because they are both women who have been married to me.

I've never ghosted or run away, but I do isolate and emotionally shut her out.

 

[Freida]

Yep. When I'm isolating I forget he is there. literally. He can be sitting right next to me on the couch and I have no idea he's in the room. It sucks, but we have at least gotten me to sit on the couch and forget him instead of driving away and forgetting him.

 

[HopefulD]

I too have a general question. When isolating and you receive an email, do you read them? Do you block them? Do you save them unopened until later?

 

[Freida]

When isolating and you receive an email, do you read them? Do you block them? Do you save them unopened until later?

uhg....you are going to hate this oh so specific answer but..... eenie meeni minee mo. It depends on the moment that I see it.
I think the most frustrating thing for supporters when it comes to this is that you are hoping for logical reactions from someone in a totally random state. So maybe I open it, maybe I don't, maybe I delete it and don't think about it again.

I usually try to ignore them because I KNOW its going to be full of accusations and recriminations and threats about coming home and blah blah. yep - I KNOW that -- even if it has never happened-- so I try to keep one foot in reality and wait until I feel better to read it.

 

[Abstract]

I don't forget about anyone when I withdraw or isolate. I am extremely aware of them. Feel profoundly guilty and self hating the whole way through and that pressure makes me want to withdraw more. It doesn't help when I logically know the person isnt a threat and my mind and body are in a threat state. Ironically I get out of it more quickly if I can be a bit more accepting of it. It is what is and if I could do better I would do better. Messages of all kinds bite when I am deep in. Until recently often went into freeze states when receiving them.

 

[HopefulD]

uhg....you are going to hate this oh so specific answer but..... eenie meeni minee mo. It depends on the moment that I see it.
I think the most frustrating thing for supporters when it comes to this is that you are hoping for logical reactions from someone in a totally random state. So maybe I open it, maybe I don't, maybe I delete it and don't think about it again.

I usually try to ignore them because I KNOW its going to be full of accusations and recriminations and threats about coming home and blah blah. yep - I KNOW that -- even if it has never happened-- so I try to keep one foot in reality and wait until I feel better to read it.

@Freida thank you so much for your honest answer! My intuition then is spot on. Also having PTSD from my childhood I

uhg....you are going to hate this oh so specific answer but..... eenie meeni minee mo. It depends on the moment that I see it.
I think the most frustrating thing for supporters when it comes to this is that you are hoping for logical reactions from someone in a totally random state. So maybe I open it, maybe I don't, maybe I delete it and don't think about it again.

I usually try to ignore them because I KNOW its going to be full of accusations and recriminations and threats about coming home and blah blah. yep - I KNOW that -- even if it has never happened-- so I try to keep one foot in reality and wait until I feel better to read it.

@Freida I am very grateful for your honest answer. It proves my intuition was spot on. I had to reach back to the earlier years when my PTSD from childhood was raging in me. Trying to remember how I would have reacted. I have worked through a great deal however am a "lifer" with anxiety disorder. Of course even with the Zoloft my anxiety and self doubt creeps in. So to have you answer has really helped. Thank you :)

 

[Abstract]

I have an unopened email from my mother from 8 years ago. ?

 

[Jay02]

I finally felt safe.

Ok, I confess, the relationship has changed, as we are no longer together, but we are texting every day and talking almost every day.....Friends. I am the sufferer. He is the one who ended the relationship. (A first for me as I’m usually the one bolting our the door.) The first few weeks were extremely painful but I refused to let go. (Another first for me.) I can’t even begin to explain why I’m finally holding on to someone. He understands in a way that nobody else has. He continues to care about me with genuine concern and nothing required in return. I am able to accept his (friendship) love for me as it is a safe kind of love. So I guess it boils down to feeling safe and secure.

I think the hardest thing for a supporter to grasp is "he/she isn't running from ME, he/she is just running". In any other relationship it's a break up. It makes zero sense to people who don't have that "flight" response. Confusion makes everything 20 times worse.

I think I'm grasping the general concept pretty well. Mine is a regular isolator. Its pretty routine for us, and it never lasts very long. However when he bails for longer than "usual", there are times I still get that nagging in the back of my head... "is it me/our relationship?" OR I just know he's stewing about everything wrong in his life and I worry he's vilifying me and everything I'm doing "wrong" while I'm not around.

It's pretty scary sometimes, even if you're used to it. Logically, sure... emotionally is a different story.

My biggest fear is him not being safe, followed closely by the idea of losing him.

I'm in this same exact boat right now! And hearing that other people feel the same way is a bit reassuring...

 

[NaeNae75]

wow -- that is a really good question and I'm not sure I have an answer. The first thing that came to mind is "well, he is still here." I think trust came from patience. No matter what I did to get rid of him it didn't work

That's pretty much been the way it is for us, I think. He pushes and pushes, but no matter what "truth" he's using to push me away at the time doesn't make me leave. I just stay right here. I think it pisses him off during, but I hope after it he appreciates it. But even as irritated as he gets, he still says he loves me, but doesn't think that's "enough".

yep. I don't know how many times I've told him to get out. He says ok, waits around for a while, I lose the urge to kill him, we go back to normal.

That was their truth, but it didn't make sense to me. And it was so fundamental it was impossible to get thru my brain that there was another option. Plus I carried so very much shame after I was diagnosed.

I think this describes his mind fairly well. Plus he really fights the reality of what PTSD is. He's willing to research the crap out if anything else, but not this. I wish it could be easier for him.....and me, lol.

Yup. Ask my poor wife sometime. In my brain it's quite easy to confuse her and my abuser, probably because they are both women who have been married to me.

I think he projects a lot of stuff into me from his ex, who was also an abuser to him. He's never dealt with any if that stuff, not really.

I think the most frustrating thing for supporters when it comes to this is that you are hoping for logical reactions from someone in a totally random state.

Uh....yeah. There is likely a disconnect here fairly regularly because he seems "normal" yet not at the same time. This is probably the hardest part for me. I'm very logical and analytical, so this screws with my comprehension.

don't forget about anyone when I withdraw or isolate. I am extremely aware of them. Feel profoundly guilty and self hating the whole way through and that pressure makes me want to withdraw more. It doesn't help when I logically know the person isnt a threat and my mind and body are in a threat state.

I think the thought of me can be very difficult for him. Even though he leaves, hes willing to see my kids quicker than me, even though he says he loves me and I'm his best friend. He admits he's not mad at me, but can't be with me. It makes more sense now...like it's harder because of all of those moving parts to be around me. He can hardly stand the thought of me being disappointed in him. It screws with him big time. I try to never tell him I'm disappointed...it's a kill shot for him.