Is There A Point To Continuing Anything Therapeutic That Has No Predictable Schedule?

[Tinyflame]

Just wondering what others believe. Things that are unpredictable in scheduling, and unpredictably unavailable, is that not like ripping a band aid off every week or few weeks, and aggravating the wound? Not to mention, if I do not do something 2 or 3 times in a row (my fault or not my fault), I rarely go back to it. It becomes important- to nonexistent, like I can't remember even having a part in my life. But especially when it is difficult, and disclosure etc is difficult, and things are difficult to listen to or face, or conversely support is sporadic, it's too important to have to shift gears, and the uncertainty (I think). Like opening Pandora's box, but not closing the lid. Causes harm, more than helpful.

Do others have thoughts/ experiences? I know 'healing' is up to us, and no one else's concern, but if it were a side-hobby that would make sense, but it isn't, and it's de-stabalizing and makes it feel not worth the fight.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Ps, I just realized, I know it accommodates people and the others they want to help, and that is good, so I think I answered my own question, I have to do what is best for me. I'll ask to delete post! (Sorry! :( )

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Junebug.

I agree with you that it depends what suits you. Sometimes writing it out like helps us figure out what we think doesn't it? Are you considering doing some therapy? That's amazing if so. I also think it depends on the nature of what that treatment is about. WHat is the approach and what is it going to entail. Some people manage very well with this type of pattern. I could do it if it was more of a learning situation such as a DBT or mindfulness class but not if it was one to one therapy. I lose too much trust too quickly.

 

[Teamwork]

My response before you delete is this. My psychologist saved ten am every other Friday in his diary since day one of seeing him the past five years. I dont miss and neither does he. On the occasion it lands on a holiday weekend I have to wait 4 weeks. Im in the spot, haven’t left it, haven’t been asked to and thats what I know.

 

[MyWillow]

I hope you don’t delete the post as it’s a good topic for discussion. I was really struggling with my previous T - sessions were only booked one at a time, they were random in terms of when she could fit me in - sometimes once a week or fortnight or month or longer if she was going away. I was having a lot of flashbacks in session - dissociating through them with no memory of what happened - plus regular dissociation - so obviously getting triggered a shit load (without realising it) and struggling in between appointments. Drinking, self-harm, anxiety all went nuts.

My T referred me to a psydoc who now sees me every week for an hour. She is very insistent that I forward book ESPECIALLY when either of us will be away. When she is going away she’ll actually get a calendar and show me. When my old T just told me I had a terrible flashback.

I’m currently booked up until the end of January. I’ve never experienced this before but it feels much safer. She also manages our sessions better. Much less dissociation although I still feel smashed afterwards. I’m now remembering flashbacks and some are of being abandoned physically and emotionally as a child so it’s no wonder inconsistent appointments were triggering. I still see my old T for equine sessions and she now books 3 in advance although they are not regular. It’s a nice fit.

 

[Skywatcher]

Does your T not allow a regular scheduled time?

 

[scout86]

How unpredictable is "unpredictable"? Like, are you pretty sure you can meet once a week, or every other week, but you don't know the day & time? (In that case, is YOUR schedule that flexible?) Or, do you mean the appointments will be unknown till the last minute & may not happen at all, but you won't know in advance? Or something else?

I don't know that it matters that an appointment is always the same day & time but totally unpredictable would be tough, unless you lived near by & had no other obligations. What's the reason for the non-schedule?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think if you elaborate and share the level of unpredictability, we can comment with more certainty in what we say.

Unpredictable to you may seem more regular to someone else.

ie if you can't have every Wednesday at 2pm, things feel unpredictable, but others may feel that once a week no matter what time/day is predictable.

 

[Abstract]

Hey again Junebug. As far as I remember you have never had formal therapy before so if its on the agenda that is an enormous step for you. :) We are all different so I wonder if its worth listing the things that get in the way of you doing it. I know there have been feelings about worth. It might be relevant when deciding if sporadic is better than nothing or worse. Also what you would be discussing. If its general present day stuff then I think its less important.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I've found it beneficial to continue, but also incredibly difficult to navigate...but to be honest, the set scheduling I received with certainty via the typical insurance approved methods are the very methods that made things much worse in many ways, too, so it seems to be 6 of one, half dozen of the other, so to speak.

I receive free counseling from a local domestic/sexual abuse shelter/office and there are times when court cases and emergencies interfere with scheduled appointments. Some weeks, it's no big deal...other weeks, it drop kicks me right back into the depressive/worthlessness/wtf do I even bother trying to get help for ditches that take a while to dig back out of.

I also barter with several healing practitioners which means a couple of them see me on their off time in their own homes and life happens and things get in the way and I don't have the opportunity to partake in some of the things that help me the most when I feel I need it the most and actually request a scheduled visit. Again, there are times I can manage and other times it feels like the end of the world.

I've been trying to teach my brain to silently give thanks for yet another f'n growth opportunity to test my ability to use the tools I've already acquired to make it through the disappointment of yet another lost chance at connecting with something genuinely helpful, but then those damn tornadic thoughts come blowing in and the what-ifness thinking inevitably takes over for a while, sometimes causing me to want to go ahead and sever ties or burn bridges. A vicious cycle, indeed.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you everyone for your kindness, I am sorry I'm just not coherent enough to get everyone mentioned, and I probably won't even find the words. I couldn't delete but Admin were even really kind about that.

to obviously getting triggered a shit load (without realising it) and struggling in between appointments. Drinking, self-harm, anxiety all went nuts.. but it feels much safer.

I think a feeling of safety is part of it, and not knowing is never a safe feeling. I present 'good enough, I think,' and apply everything I know to stay afloat on a day to day basis. But I know 'where I'm at', fragile or strong, on any given day or week. I don't share it, but I have to accept it.

Hey again Junebug. As far as I remember you have never had formal therapy before so if its on the agenda that is an enormous step for you. :) We are all different so I wonder if its worth listing the things that get in the way of you doing it. I know there have been feelings about worth. It might be relevant when deciding if sporadic is better than nothing or worse. Also what you would be discussing. If its general present day stuff then I think its less important.

@Abstract the same obstacles are there, it's private and very costly (conventionally). I suppose that's not a concern for some, or those insured. But it's cost prohibitive for me. I'm not sure? I don't as much weigh it in terms of 'past' or 'present'- I suppose it's all 'present' in so far as the past is gone, so present understanding, present coping, present struggling, present acceptance, present meaning is all I have. But thank you.

This resonates with me the most:

some weeks, it's no big deal...other weeks, it drop kicks me right back into the depressive/worthlessness/wtf do I even bother trying to get help for ditches that take a while to dig back out of... I've been trying to teach my brain to silently give thanks for yet another f'n growth opportunity to test my ability to use the tools I've already acquired to make it through the disappointment of yet another lost chance at connecting with something genuinely helpful, but then those damn tornadic thoughts come blowing in and the what-ifness thinking inevitably takes over for a while, sometimes causing me to want to go ahead and sever ties or burn bridges. A vicious cycle, indeed.

except that it's more that I just don't have the energy or courage to invest in 'hopefulness' of genuine progress without even a plan. Not because I don't have resolve, I do, I dare say I have often held on longer than some, or really taken efforts on a wing and a prayer, without knowing if it would bring healing. And I suppose I've had so many 'failures' (eye-openers) that no- this understanding wasn't the Holy Grail I expected -hoped- it would be (aka ptsd and all it's challenges are now gone), or that an instance of new knowledge would solve it. So I know it's a stepwise process, or lifelong learning. But I've also learned, or maybe have come to admit, even some small things others take in stride are too difficult for me. Maybe they won't be forever, but they are, due to fallout. Like affirmations, or uncertainty, or hope, or envisioning 6 months ahead. Even if the hope is only so small as knowing where to go, or what to do, on a given day. I'm way too worn out to decide spontaneously. Although, I can do that easily with denial and avoidance, because I can put out of my mind 'me', whether it's me struggling, me floundering, me trying to meet my needs, me dissecting something from the past, me realizing there's much I've done I'll never intend to say, I'll take to the grave.

Idk how to explain it, it's not about control but uncertainty, and having to decide 'why' to try, why to invest any more in the unknown. It's too hard (for me) to face what I do, or force myself, simply because sometimes it might be there, sometimes not. On any given day there are parts very hard. When I don't have to face them, I don't want to. And if I can put the ptsd in a box, I will, I don't want to revisit it with any reminder or pushing out of my comfort zone in 2 weeks or 3 or 4, only to have to dig out again, as you said. Because there is a price to pay for processing. But then, I know most people don't get hit hard hearing things about families, seeing children, celebrating Holidays, or hearing certain words or being stuck in a room with no door. Etc. And I do know how stupid those all sound, to people who don't understand.

I suppose it doesn't bother me at all, when I have zero expectation of benefitting psychologically, or coping better. If I do, there's that nasty 'hope', and I can't bear more disappointment and loss, or predicating hope on the unknown. It's easier (for me) having no hope, and planning around what is concrete and mostly within my reality only, since that is predictable. If I don't know if or when I can refill some hope, I realize it's unwise to even consider it as an option.

Hope that makes sense- eiy :rolleyes: , thank you to all.

 

[grit]

I find therapy brings up feelings so primitive for an adult to even contemplate. I feel your feelings about certainty, predictability, and scheduling is really profound and have a real message for you.
Thank you for posting and keeping this. Appreciated you are trying to share a very difficult and complex set of feelings.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @grit , but there's no message, and no scheduling, I suppose if there were I could take it personal. I don't, not because it isn't personal necessarily, it is to the extent they are aware that makes it impossible for me, but it's for "many's" benefit, not my own, so that feels irrelevant to me, as I attend 'invisibly'. The only thing I realize is not the feelings, but finding words for them (though not very well ): I am not strong enough for the challenge of relying on something that I don't know will be there or not, when it's all I can do to cope. I just don't have the resiliency. 'Fragile' is a really lousy word, can't think of another, except it's too tenuous, too difficult, too disheartening. It;s not about 'mattering', because I don't, that's irrelevant. And it's not about business, because I am not charged for it. It isn't even a new lesson, or primitive or non-understandable emotions: I learned it as a child, as a teen, as an adult. It doesn't matter. It's progress for me to put it in to words, even poorly, as I don't generally feel entitled to having an opinion about what hurts me.

Have a lovely day to you. :hug: