Bipolar Bipolar I, with severe mania, but no depression - having a hard time finding people to relate to - feeling isolated, input/advice wanted

[Sweetleaf]

n bipolar, psychosis can happen during depression too.

Yeah I am very well aware, but I am not worried about that happening for me, honestly. Nor is my pdoc - who said to me that some people with bipolar get psychotic when depressed, the first appointment after my mania ended. But also that the most important thing was to just get enough sleep - in regards to preventing psychosis. Which of course, while manic, requires anti-psychotics. Hahahaha.

Also remember - I was subjected to things that would make anyone go psychotic, when I did go psychotic. Torture, not being allowed to sleep - that triggered mania, and the not-being-allowed-to-sleep would have made anybody psychotic. Bipolar or not. Even now that I'm diagnosed Bipolar I, my pdoc still says anyone would have gone psychotic in those conditions. The bipolar mania just made it worse after it was over, let the sleep deprivation continue, and the psychosis worsened - and the fresh trauma certainly didn't help either.

I've also been suicidally depressed in the past - without any psychosis.

I'm not saying it's impossible - I am just saying, I am not worried about it presently.

(which you did, when you went to see a doc when you were psychotic)

I noticed the psychosis during the torture - told my torturer/abuser/ex-from-hell, and he thought it was cool. He was like "oh nice! That's just like the guy I was friends with in the psych ward!" - the guy who had slit his own throat and set himself on fire.

However when I did actually go to the hospital (because my old T, while shitty, still wasn't stupid enough to miss someone who was EXTREMELY psychotic right in front of her - and she called the hospital and had my mom drive me there), it was only on the drive there that I had insight into me being still psychotic - once I arrived at the hospital, the insight was gone.

So while I did want to see a doc during the psychosis, at multiple points - when I did actually get to a doc, I was goooone. No insight, at that specific time. In fact that was the most intense part of the psychosis - in the hospital, prior to falling asleep in there, and waking up connected to reality again. That was where the hallucinations and everything was the most intense.

Side note: My (abusive) mom REALLY didn't help - I was begging to go to the hospital, the day before I wound up in the hospital. She didn't want to take me there, I said I was going to drive myself there if she didn't, she wouldn't allow it, made me stay in my bed - not that I should have drove then but.... any mother who actually gave a f*ck would have done something. She made my psychosis worse by not letting me go f*cking treat it! Ugh! f*cking stupid bitch.

Instead of concern for her offspring having some serious and -obvious- mental trouble, she was just angry because it was an inconvenience to her, and annoying. She didn't give a f*ck about how I was feeling. She just yelled at me for being weird or whatever the f*ck - for acting like a psychotic person. As if that would make it go away. To her, yelling is the solution to all problems that exist. That and hitting, if the person is both weaker than her, and her child.

How the f*ck can you look at a psychotic person, who is also manic as all f*ck, and not go "Hmmmmm maybe I should listen to them when they say they want to go to the hospital instead of making them lay there all night"??? - that was the night where I -completely- lost it, totally and utterly lost connection with reality. That night, being forced to not go to the hospital - when I knew that I needed to go before things got worse.

Another fun story from my psychosis - I went to get my restraining order, the day after I freed myself from that horrible situation - on the drive back, I don't even remember or know why, but she kept yelling at me, I think because I was begging her to not talk about what just happened, and, because she's so self-absorbed, she could not shut up about it - because that's what -she- wanted to talk about. My feelings didn't matter. She yelled, and yelled, I begged her to stop, and she wouldn't - so I left the car while it was still moving. She started slowing down when she realized I was serious about leaving the car. When I got out, I'm lucky it was very icy - because I slid foreward on my feet for a bit, due to the continued foreward momentum (no idea how I didn't fall), and my mom just drove off and I walked the rest of the way home. While psychotic. And very cold, underdressed for the weather.

Then she yelled at me more when I got home.

f*cking crazy bitch.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have this kind of BP. I am rarely in the depressed stages, usually in a manic or mixed episode. When I go super manic, I usually end up in the Hospital. The last super manic I had, they gave me Prednizone (a steroid drug) and it sent me up into the stratosphere. I was told later on by my Pdoc that it is never supposed to be given to Bipolars for this reason, so beware. I refuse all steroids, including injections, for this reason. That is my decision.

I strongly suggest that you get some hobbies to put your energies into when this kind of thing hits you. I crochet and I paint. These 2 activities can usually help me to get down to a reasonable level.

I have a job. I am a caregiver. I have kept this job for a year and a half now, longest I have ever been able to hold one. This is due to medications and therapy both. Also a lot of determination on my part. I work part time though, I think that is important. You need some time for yourself, to take care of you.

 

[Stephani8o]

Sweet leaf- I read all your posts and I can relate. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 last year. It was severe. I didn't work for months. I did outpatient twice. It was horrible feeling so out of control. My episode was mixed. 1st time I was up and down multiple times a day. 2nd time I had like agitated depression. I was really suicidal and had the energy to follow through. I think the latrogime is helping you. My dose was lowered once and I fell to pieces.

I know the feeling of what is happening. Is it bipolar or is it PTSD? I don't know. Sometimes I think about going to the pdoc and telling her everything. The sadness, the stress of work, emdr. I'll make a seperate post about that.

But your not alone. I work and nobody would know I have it. I've met other people, successful people, in the hospital. Have you heard of NAMI? They have support groups across the country. I went for a while.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Changing4Best thank you, it's great to know I'm not alone here lol.

In regards to hobbies to occupy yourself - I am very covered there. I play piano, bass, guitar - other instruments too but I don't own them anymore thanks to the abuse in my adulthood. Only could hang on to the 3 most important, cause I wouldn't lose them for anything. Too much sentimental value in the guitar and bass, I couldn't ever let them get destroyed or sold. They'd be destroyed if they were made of less dense woods and materials. Gibson Les Paul guitars are f*cking -sturdy- I will tell you that lol.

That's what I did last time I went severely manic - I played instruments a lot, wrote a lot, etc.

Now I also like to make pictures with oil pastels - nothing fancy, just the sort of shit I did in art in high school. I've kinda left art alone since then, kinda nice to pick it back up - even though metal jewelry, along with pottery, were really my strong suits. Those are a bit hard to do without the right equipment though. lol. Drawing/painting is much easier. I like the paint-like quality that oil pastels can have, and the blending you can do, the texturing, almost like brush strokes - though a lot of artists for some reason do not like them. I might get back into charcoal but, I dunno.

It was horrible feeling so out of control

That's a great way to describe it. A horrible, out of control feeling. Also, thank you for helping me feel less alone in this.

I know the feeling of what is happening. Is it bipolar or is it PTSD? I don't know. Sometimes I think about going to the pdoc and telling her everything. The sadness, the stress of work, emdr. I'll make a seperate post about that.

But your not alone. I work and nobody would know I have it. I've met other people, successful people, in the hospital. Have you heard of NAMI? They have support groups across the country. I went for a while.

It is hard to know whether it's bipolar or PTSD going on - I just talked about this with my pdoc the other day, and she said that often, it is very hard to tell, and often, both can be affecting you at once. They can have a stacking effect. But, yeah. It's hard to tell if depression, sleeplessness, etc. is PTSD or bipolar. Same for many of the symptoms I experience, such as anxiety. Though I feel like anxiety is primarily PTSD and panic disorder at work, rather than bipolar.

But yeah. It's hard to make heads and tails of it all, when you've got multiple mental illnesses with overlapping symptoms.

Also I've never heard of NAMI - though they do have a local office with meetings and stuff.

What are the support groups like?

 

[Stephani8o]

@Changing4Best

Also I've never heard of NAMI - though they do have a local office with meetings and stuff.

What are the support groups like?

Nami is the association the national association of mental illness. It helped when I was first diagnosed. I went to their website and found a meeting time.

There are meetings for family and meetings for people who have it. It's mainly people with depression and bipolar. Pretty much go around a circle and talk about life and symptoms. Being around other people with bipolar helped. The best thing I got out of it was to quit drinking.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Lol I know! I wish I could have met you IRL because your mind was throwing words down on the page and they all made sense! There was a lot of energy pumping through your veins clearly but it wasn't stupid, guff - it was all intelligent

^^Yes you kept yourself safe! Something to remember when you become anxious about this new diagnosis. Knowing that you are able to keep yourself safe should help you relax just a little as you ease into acceptance of this illness.

Clearly self-preservation is deeply embedded in your personality - you are intelligent, sensible and practical imho.

Meant to say thank you to you for saying these things - but I guess I forgot. But yeah. Thank you - it really helps me feel better about what happened, and less crazy. It all helps.

To me, it felt like I was all over the place, and like I was just spewing useless garbage lol. But it's good to hear it wasn't perceived as such - though I'm sure it certainly looked manic haha.

 

[Milo's papa]

Hi @Sweetleaf, when I had my first hipo-maniic episode I was all of 11 years old. When I was hospitalized they mis-diagosed it as schizophrenia and medicated me accordingly. That caused all sorts of problems. I was hospitalized again a couple days later and this time they got it right.
"Bipolar 1 with severe manic tendencies."
Like you, I don't have a great deal of "down side" episodes and when I do they're not too severe. However, when I go manic, look out! I go for weeks with little or no sleep, I talk non-stop, I have extreme grandiose thoughts, you can pretty much open the book and look at any of the traits and that discribes me.
I've been lucky to have been regulated for much of my adult life, with the exception of one"med break" when the medication I was on stopped working for me. It wasn't caught for almost a month, and in that amount of time I basically ruined my life and my mariage
I was hospitalized for 2 weeks while they got me regulated on a new med. I live with the fear of a repeat of that time frame every day. My wife and kids pay very close attention tmy mood swings to make sure that they're not getting out of control. I've had therapy 6 different times to make sure that I don't let my emotions get out of control and I see my P every 3 months to get blood work done and check out where I'm at.
It's a lot of work, but I guess I have to choose between that and surrendering to my illness which I won't do.
It sounds like you will have a long road ahead of you as you learn to live with this illness we share. I want you to know that I am willing to be there for you whenever you need me. I'm willing to share my email address if you want to talk off site. I have one set up just for people I've met here. Let me know if you would like that and we can do it whenever you want.
I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey. Hugs if you'll except them.

 

[joeylittle]

Just catching up around the boards, wanted to share a thought on this:

Also I'm on lamotrigine - maybe that's preventing it from swinging down too hard? It just feels like a "bleh" rather than a "I wanna die" or "I hate living" etc...Do I maybe need a higher dose of lamotrigine then, if I'm feeling "bleh"? I am given estrogen so it could be interacting and causing me to need more than the average 200mg.

Your Pdoc described what lamotrigine's job is, pretty well - it will generally keep one from going into the full depths of depression. Unfortunately, the 'bleh' feeling is what one is generally left with. In other words, lamotrigine won't actually lift your mood in any . way - it will just keep the bottoming-out from depression at bay.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Milo's papa thank you for saying all of that, it helps me feel less alone, less worried about all this. I tend to suck at email, so I'll probably stick to communication on-site, haha. But thank you for the offer.

@joeylittle thanks, that's good to know. Also reassuring, makes me feel better about how I've been feeling.

---

Looking back over my life a loooot of shit makes sense with the bipolar diagnosis in mind. Even as far back as my teenage years, at the very least. It just wasn't obvious enough to cause enough problems. Reading the bipolar book I have is helping me see/accept that.

At least now I know. That's the good side of things I guess. I know, so I can do shit about it, and I have another piece of the puzzle explaining why my life has gone the way it has.

Now I'm feeling a bit anxious about how I need to be on mental health meds the rest of my life. I went into this whole mental health 'adventure' thinking I'd get to walk out the other side without needing any meds anymore (aside from the endocrine meds I always will need), without having further problems. There are some I'm sure I'll get to live without eventually - but others that will never go away. It also makes me nervous knowing that if my supply of meds is cut off, I am -f*cked- and that is something that could happen in the future for all I know.

It's not like my life has been easy so far... shit, to me, it feels like I am Murphy's Law. What can go wrong will go wrong. So often, when things go wrong for me, I sit there and laugh (in a bad way) at how I f*cking knew it would go wrong, I go "well what the f*ck else did you expect Sweetleaf? We're talking about YOU here so yeah of course everything went to shit!"

But I hate being that pessimistic. Also that seems like a cognitive distortion, along with confirmation bias. I think of all the times things went wrong - without weighing them against the times things went right, which I'm having a hard time remembering right now. Then I think of things as absolutes, when they are not.

To my mental health all I have to say is - I want off the ride! Lol.

---

Ooh, another 'fun' bit I read in the one book I have about bipolar - apparently it's more likely someone with bipolar risk genes will wind up with bipolar disorder, if they're raised in a bad environment - like my traumatic childhood. So maybe I have my shitty f*cking family to thank for that, too? It has to do with the genes that are risk factors for bipolar, and how if someone with those genes is given a good, supportive childhood - they are less likely to wind up with the disorder. Whereas if they're traumatized as children, they will be more likely to have those genes act in a detrimental way, due to the environment they were raised in, and wind up with bipolar or some kind of mood disorder.

Kinda funny - the book also points out that people with bipolar are often more resilient to trauma, that they do very well under pressure - well for me, the doing well under pressure part is true (at least before PTSD came into play) - but the "resilience to trauma" bit doesn't seem to be there.

 

[Milo's papa]

Bipolar disorder is often genetic. I passed it on to my daughter. I was raised in a hellhole but my kids weren't. There is no way to predict who will be affected and who won't. There are a lot of theory's but nothing I've read says this is the key. You just don't know.
I understand about the medication thing. The last thing I want is to be taking a hand full of pills 3 times a day. But you do what you have to do to stay healthy, right.
Take care and stay safe..

 

[blackemerald1]

To my mental health all I have to say is - I want off the ride!

Hey @Sweetleaf - I think right now you are grieving and processing the information and diagnosis and yeah ^^I totally get that. Having ptsd would be by far enough to contend with but now.... Bipolar too.

We all want to know the origins of our illnesses. Sometimes it's worthwhile looking at this and other times the knowledge doesn't really take us any further, doesn't prevent or cure it.

I'm relieved for you that you are now diagnosed. As has been already suggested Bipolar disorder is very manageable. You will need time to adjust to the diagnosis and what that means and then I am sure you will manage it and do well.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, my mother and sister both have Bipolar, as well as me. We are the diagnosed ones. There were a few other folks in the family that never got diagnosed, but should have been. So, yeh, genes play a huge role in this Bipolar family tree of mine.