Advice

[B0103mcus]

Friday... you totally lost me on that one. Sorry.

Nvm I think I get what you're saying. Yeah I dunno. Maybe it is fronting and avoiding (his coping). I would never speak ill will of him or the ceap. Those closest to me see it and they learned quite quick to not tell me anything but just listen when I need to unload. It's just suffocating (probably for both) at work because that it is how he is identified there by the relationship and me (not in a big headed way but I'm the one who knows a lot of people, very chatty/helpful, and has progressed career wise. Him acting up at work and showing his arse hasnt been helpful for him. He still thinks he is in the military, it may be a fed facility, but um you're dealing with a lot of civilians. Cant behave and say certain things. No emergency service, but medical program services high stress. Either way, I set a boundary and have to maintain it. As for the consequence of breaking it that is a deal breaker to continue down that path. I just secretly hope it'll get him to wake up for his own self but also because I dont want to have to walk. The odd part is my close peeps cant understand why I'm not angry and hateful about the impact, behavior, and choices on his end. I'm not even angry. I dont even want to be. Its not like he is an ass by his own omission. He is a ass because he cant cope. Im just hurt. I cant get angry for him doing what his comfort/norm is. He doesn't sleep around or do drugs. Now if he is drinking again ehh and he totally isolates keeps people at a distance but maintains close friends all family men. But his nast butt behaviors towards the one closest to him, not cool. The distance and lack of contact has actually helped me see things more objectively. Like breaking from the fog.

 

[Freida]

I now have a serious personal bet with myself that your former-beau works emergency services in some capacity or other. Although being prior service military is enough to ingrain the habit.

shhhhh!!!! stop telling our secrets!! :roflmao:

 

[B0103mcus]

Oh I know the secrets...most lol!! I dunno... a buddy of his went to check on him and called him out on his behavior of late told him he was also worried. My ex asked him if he had been talking to me to which his buddy lied. My ex said yeah she has been worried about me too. I've been sleeping like shit for weeks and this work shit. Well well so now I know he know he is reading my texts asking to please let me know if he is ok and I'm worried because this out of the norm... but straight up ignoring. His buddy told him that at least she cares. Clearly he knows what he is doing? I asked him to at least tell me to eat dirt so I can stop worrying and I have the right to stand my ground on not being treated crappy which is entirely separate about me being concerned about his well being. Is this even "normal" for PTSD or am I dealing with major passive aggressive controlling behavior or someone who just doesn't give a fudge? This man is going to drive me insane.

 

[Friday]

shhhhh!!!! stop telling our secrets!! :roflmao:

LMFAO... I don’t understand why it’s not SOP everywhere.

Is this even "normal" for PTSD or am I dealing with major passive aggressive controlling behavior or someone who just doesn't give a fudge? This man is going to drive me insane.

It’s so normal for PTSD, it’s practically textbook.

Doesn’t mean it’s okay, just crazy super normal.

The best way I can explain it is to think back to the last time you were super sick. You know how when you first start feeling it come on, you feel “off” but can still do everything? Then you cancel your social engagements because it takes everything you have just to drag your ass to work, come home & collapse? Then it’s rescheduling important stuff, as well as the social stuff, because all you can manage is getting to and from work. Then it’s not even being able to think straight and staring at a wall AT work, and needing to go home and go to bed halfway through the day? Once at home, not even undressing but falling face first into the couch/bed to swear and groan at the phone ringing (not answering, go away, aaaaaah, go away). The next day struggling to even phone into work, and the glass of water right by your hand is too far away? Then, as you start to get better you start making decisions about who/what/where ... Work today, but not girls night, although you might make an appearance at the christening tomorrow for 15 minutes because it’s super important, it wipes you out and you don’t even make it to the grocery store on the way home, thank god it’s the weekend because you’re just going to stay in going through 3 boxes of Kleenex and Campbell’s soup and staring at movies you don’t even really “see”. Damn. Work yesterday was a mistake. Did too much, feel sicker today than yesterday. Tomorrow and the next might make some stabs at cleaning the house, but damn this cold is just kicking your ass. Tempted to call in sick on Monday, but 5 gallons of coffee, enough cold medicine to fell an ox, and you get there. Things start clearing up, you get your energy back, and resume your normal schedule. Freaking 10 days feeling like utter garbage. Ugh.

Are you curtailing your activities as some part of a master plan (passive aggressive), or because you don’t care? Nope. You’re restricting your activities stage by stage, because that’s all you can manage. Often doing more than you “should”, because you need to, until you can’t even do the things you need. And then you add things back in, again, based off of one of those mental equations of need/want/should/can’t. Do too much too soon, and you’re right back on your ass, again.

Getting hit with PTSD stuff is a lot like getting hit with a nasty cold. Except it lasts a lot longer, usually. And instead of a nasty virus flagging your energy and fogging your mind, it’s stress & stressors & anniversaries, & FFS why today??? Aaaargh. I have THINGS TO DO :banghead:

 

[EveHarrington]

Just remember that even if something is textbook ptsd, that doesn’t mean we aren’t making decisions along the way. Yes, sometimes our decisions are 100% fight/flight/dawn/freeze, but still, we have the power to change, we have the power to behave differently. No, it’s not easy and it won’t be overnight, but it can happen....IF we are actively working on it.

I honestly think that ptsd relationships require certain dynamics on both sides of the equation. Sufferers who are working on healing and can honestly communicate; Supporters who are patient and understanding but can set the hard boundaries when need be, without taking everything personally. Of course there are other things that go into making a ptsd relationship work, but my point is that it takes effort on BOTH sides.

I honestly think that if a sufferer can’t give the basics of communication ie “hey I’m not dead I just need some space, I’ll contact you in X days” then no, he/she isn’t ready for a relationship. If you can’t give the basics of respect then stop dragging a partner into this nightmare. It’s fcking selfish imho.

 

[B0103mcus]

LMFAO... I don’t understand why it’s not SOP everywhere.



It’s so normal for PTSD, it’s practically textbook.

Doesn’t mean it’s okay, just crazy super normal.

The best way I can explain it is to think back to the last time you were super sick. You know how when you first start feeling it come on, you feel “off” but can still do everything? Then you cancel your social engagements because it takes everything you have just to drag your ass to work, come home & collapse? Then it’s rescheduling important stuff, as well as the social stuff, because all you can manage is getting to and from work. Then it’s not even being able to think straight and staring at a wall AT work, and needing to go home and go to bed halfway through the day? Once at home, not even undressing but falling face first into the couch/bed to swear and groan at the phone ringing (not answering, go away, aaaaaah, go away). The next day struggling to even phone into work, and the glass of water right by your hand is too far away? Then, as you start to get better you start making decisions about who/what/where ... Work today, but not girls night, although you might make an appearance at the christening tomorrow for 15 minutes because it’s super important, it wipes you out and you don’t even make it to the grocery store on the way home, thank god it’s the weekend because you’re just going to stay in going through 3 boxes of Kleenex and Campbell’s soup and staring at movies you don’t even really “see”. Damn. Work yesterday was a mistake. Did too much, feel sicker today than yesterday. Tomorrow and the next might make some stabs at cleaning the house, but damn this cold is just kicking your ass. Tempted to call in sick on Monday, but 5 gallons of coffee, enough cold medicine to fell an ox, and you get there. Things start clearing up, you get your energy back, and resume your normal schedule. Freaking 10 days feeling like utter garbage. Ugh.

Are you curtailing your activities as some part of a master plan (passive aggressive), or because you don’t care? Nope. You’re restricting your activities stage by stage, because that’s all you can manage. Often doing more than you “should”, because you need to, until you can’t even do the things you need. And then you add things back in, again, based off of one of those mental equations of need/want/should/can’t. Do too much too soon, and you’re right back on your ass, again.

Getting hit with PTSD stuff is a lot like getting hit with a nasty cold. Except it lasts a lot longer, usually. And instead of a nasty virus flagging your energy and fogging your mind, it’s stress & stressors & anniversaries, & FFS why today??? Aaaargh. I have THINGS TO DO :banghead:

Seriously... thank you so much!!! Everything you said is exactly what I have seen him go through but guy version. And some of that he has disclosed and confirmed before. You have no idea how much you telling me that helps. Ok, well now I know I'm dealing with that and not some jack butt behaviors. He can be a butt but this is different. You are right it's not ok, but I cant determine what is ok or not for his crisis survival just as long as he is not going back into that very very dark trying to not come back place again. So hopefully it will help me sleep a little easier tonight and less of getting up and pacing worried about unknowns and wtf is going on. My last message I pulled out the big guns not playing anymore. I told him he can be pissed at me that is fine but send out an I am fine not HI or SI or I will have to send someone to check on him like before. I literally have no one else here local that will put themselves in the situation of approaching him. At this point it's not even about a relationship and boundaries and blah, my gut is telling this is no good and my gut in the past has been right. I'm so mad I should have pulled my head out of my arse and jumped on this months back but I was so stuck in not even seeing the reoccurring signs and getting frustrated because I thought he had a different handle on it. Urgh!!!

 

[B0103mcus]

Just remember that even if something is textbook ptsd, that doesn’t mean we aren’t making decisions along the way. Yes, sometimes our decisions are 100% fight/flight/dawn/freeze, but still, we have the power to change, we have the power to behave differently. No, it’s not easy and it won’t be overnight, but it can happen....IF we are actively working on it.

I honestly think that ptsd relationships require certain dynamics on both sides of the equation. Sufferers who are working on healing and can honestly communicate; Supporters who are patient and understanding but can set the hard boundaries when need be, without taking everything personally. Of course there are other things that go into making a ptsd relationship work, but my point is that it takes effort on BOTH sides.

I honestly think that if a sufferer can’t give the basics of communication ie “hey I’m not dead I just need some space, I’ll contact you in X days” then no, he/she isn’t ready for a relationship. If you can’t give the basics of respect then stop dragging a partner into this nightmare. It’s fcking selfish imho.

Thank you. Yes I agree with you 100 percent and that is something I brought to his attention last month. I told him I cant work with non communication because it is not guiding me into what you need and what works for you and I'm not able to gauge if I can meet those needs and vice versa. I'm so in it for the long haul but I gotta be able to work with something and be respected too. It's like I told him once, I so feel like I'm in a relationship by myself. This isnt "your" show it's "our" show. Yup he was working the treatment but somewhere he went rogue. That is his choice all on his own he knew my boundary on that. .

 

[B0103mcus]

Next question maybe someone can give me insight: I have repeatedly inquired about his safety and shown concern with no response back. He said he would drop my belongings off a week ago, never did. He keeps popping up in places at our work which never occurred when we together and he clearly is talking about me (positive way to others). What is this that is going on? Today he was outside my office with a colleague of mine as I was leaving, looked right at me and then stared at the ground. For professional reasons and because I had an appointment I didnt stop. I dont want him loosing his shit like he has before when I've tried approaching him when he does this. He cant answer my calls or texts letting me know anything or yeah ineant ti figure this out or hey I'm not thinking of offing myself. This is not okay, I'm starting to loose my grounding and break down emotionally. I'm at the point where I feel like I cant escape this situation at all, not even for a minute. It's not like this relationship was some little dating relationship. We went through some heavy stuff together. All because I set a hard boundary and stood by it. What is this that is going on?

 

[EveHarrington]

Well you dumped him so why does he need to soothe your worries and assure you that he doesn’t want to off himself?

I’m not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand this dynamic of assumed continued contact after you made it clear that things are over.

 

[Friday]

This is not okay, I'm starting to loose my grounding and break down emotionally. I'm at the point where I feel like I cant escape this situation at all, not even for a minute. It's not like this relationship was some little dating relationship. We went through some heavy stuff together.

Any chance you have some vacation time coming, or some sick days you can use? Because I’d really suggest a week or two at the beach, or skiing, or martinis poolside, or coffee in cafes in the City, trail riding, shopping (ha! I remembered some people dig this!)... whatever & wherever gets your mojo thumping. Time to just be you, relaxing and reenverating.

Hell. Even just a long weekend. But if you’ve got a couple weeks coming to you? Getting that little bit of distance can give a relationship the space it needs to transition from romantic to friends & colleagues.

 

[B0103mcus]

Well you dumped him so why does he need to soothe your worries and assure you that he doesn’t want to off himself?

I’m not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand this dynamic of assumed continued contact after you made it clear that things are over.

You are right.

It's not to soothe my worries. I genuinely care. For me, its separating the I couldn't cope with the way I felt in the relationship from actually wanting him to not give up on himself. I've watched him go through the ebs and flows and hearing him in those times with the despair and defeat, that resonates in my mind.

Friday.... I don't have vacation time. I'm juggling so much right now there is no way.

 

[Mytime]

I hear all that your saying and understand you want only the best for him. You set a boundary for yourself and your needs. And maybe partly because you felt it would help him stay with the program. ( just a feeling I’m picking up. Doesn’t mean I’m right.) but it’s set and you have to follow through, even if it hurts. It’s hard to sit back and watch someone you love, hurt and struggle. It’s natural to want to fix or help that person. As much as we wish we could fix someone, we can’t. We can only fix ourselves and the people we love can only fix themselves. Can we help? Yes, but in the way of being a supporter. To be a supporter, you have to put you first, in order to have the energy and right mind set. It’s the balance of supporting the person we love and allowing ourselves to feel happiness and joy in other areas in our lives. It can help our partners, feel less pressure as they work towards their recovery. I understand how upsetting and at times fustating it can be to send an email and not receive a response. Try a different way to communicate. When you see him at work. Say hi, give a smile. Make it laid back, a minimal response from him. A response doesn’t have to be big. It can be a node of a head, because little or big. It’s a response. No matter how you look at, the relationship is on hold or done in a romantic way. The boundary was set and you followed through. So what does the relationship look like to you now?
Friendship? Co-worker? ect. Once you know yourself, let him know. Be straight forward and to the point. No need to go back to why the relationship ended. He knows.
Saying,” I would like it if we could have ..... this kind of relationship. Then he can decide what he is able to give or not give. Or wants. Sorry your going through a hard time.