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Trying to figure this out as well - friend of mine shut down on me about 6 weeks ago. He's apparently still talking to other mutual friends and is planning to meet up with them for a convention in a few weeks so I'm not taking this as a general isolation period, it seems to be specific to me. What he wants from me is about as clear as mud. Not sure if it's worth waiting to reach out again later, or if I should just let go. :(
From a supporter side currently in who knows what status because I had to step away until he makes healthier choices again. Finally getting some form of contact but he is mad as hell at me and his pride is currently in the way. My combat vet had told me that he pushes away/isolates from those closest to him to "protect" yet he can still function with superficial relationships (friends/colleagues) and attend "must go to events", but is severely drained and experiences the aftermath for days. I've watched him interact with others while isolating from me. It flipping sucks and puts a head spin on me, but I remind myself of what he told me and how his head is working at that time. It is something that if we come back from this current situation, it needs to be addressed. I like to call the isolation and pushing away, rising the wave, but sometimes that wave gets the better of me and triggers my own crap.
Reaching out would be dependent on you, the person, and situation. He knows regardless of the relationship I love him and care. We have been at this a while. I reach out to tell him I love him. Tell I'm here for him. Anything heavier than that causes him to retreat and I have to really control myself because I'm filled my own feelings about the whole thing. It doesnt hurt to let someone know you care and until he tells me to go kick rocks or blocks me I'm going to reach out because I told him I wouldn't give up and I'd be there for him.
Putting aside for a moment the obvious effects of the loved one being shut out and the fact that the situations is often not viable for them to stay in and be happy:
I think you are right that in many instances it would be helpful to the symptomatic person to stay/stay engaged in short term and always longer term. However I dont think that it would always be helpful. It depends on the people involved, the personalities, the nature of someone's triggers, the nature of the supporters responses. It sounds like it absolutely would be for your guy.
No judgment as it must be painful and confusing but I think many loved ones respond in ways that exacerbate symptoms when in that mode. Mostly through normal natural impulses. You are saying it would help the person to stay but if the loved one can't leave space, displays anger etc (dependent of situation, trauma, people) then being around loved ones can definitely make symptoms worse. For me I really really need at a least an amount of emotional detachment.
my usual analogy is that I am on the tightrope, over open flames and dodging weapons thrown at me. I don't have the space in that moment to talk about a relationship. I am less symptomatic at present and it enables me to see my stuff even more clearly.
Then again if left and it continues I can feel myself sucked into a black hole of isolation that feeds a self perpetuatiing cycle. And a life line thrown in can make all the difference. Complicated. Its a horrible situation for all, all round.
@NaeNae75 .... I had read something of yours on another post and I would like to ask you a question about it. Is there a way to private message/convo on this site?
Putting aside for a moment the obvious effects of the loved one being shut out and the fact that the situations is often not viable for them to stay in and be happy:
I think you are right that in many instances it would be helpful to the symptomatic person to stay/stay engaged in short term and always longer term. However I dont think that it would always be helpful. It depends on the people involved, the personalities, the nature of someone's triggers, the nature of the supporters responses. It sounds like it absolutely would be for your guy.
No judgment as it must be painful and confusing but I think many loved ones respond in ways that exacerbate symptoms when in that mode. Mostly through normal natural impulses. You are saying it would help the person to stay but if the loved one can't leave space, displays anger etc (dependent of situation, trauma, people) then being around loved ones can definitely make symptoms worse. For me I really really need at a least an amount of emotional detachment.
my usual analogy is that I am on the tightrope, over open flames and dodging weapons thrown at me. I don't have the space in that moment to talk about a relationship. I am less symptomatic at present and it enables me to see my stuff even more clearly.
Then again if left and it continues I can feel myself sucked into a black hole of isolation that feeds a self perpetuatiing cycle. And a life line thrown in can make all the difference. Complicated. Its a horrible situation for all, all round.
Everything you're saying here makes perfect sense to me. I understand fairly well how you're trying to explain it all.
Having the conversation helps so much. I just wonder sometimes what he'd do if I ever actually left. Sometimes I think he realizes he's safe to do this because I don't go anywhere.
Even now when we talk even though we're "broken up" he does stuff that's counter intuitive to that. Like sent me a text apologizing if when we spoke a little earlier if he seemed cross. He said he didn't want me to think he was mad at me, he just had other stuff he was dealing with. He goes out of his way to keep peace and keep me happy.
That's why the terminology is such a damn joke to me. I know you get that too. Like being broken up and talking basically every day and going to family events then together isn't a breakup... it's space.
It's like we both hold onto the dichotomy of the terminology for opposite reasons. He needs to say it to feel safe that he can have his space without feeling guilty for not living up to his job as a good boyfriend. Like a week before when I could see he needed it, I offered him space, and he refused to take it because it would be selfish if him. But less than a week later he takes it via breakup... this makes zero sense to me other than to think that label is very powerful to him.
Buuuttttt, it's clearly powerful to me too, because of how hard I'm clearly fighting to keep the label attached to us. I think for me, it has security to it because I know how seriously he takes it.
I've been cheated in by two of the 4 men I've dated in my adult life. (Hes one of the non cheaters) So I don't want him to "cheat" while we're "broken up ". Maybe this is my problem with it. Funny thing is, I've answered myself... ...he doesn't "cheat" even apart when the other jerks did while together. Oh dang, this is a genuine revelation!
Maybe, since he still participates and is kind and loving either way, I should just give up my side of the dichotomy for now. Just love him back and worry about the rest when he's in a better place.
Now the last piece of the puzzle is to know if this is what's actually going in and not a real breakup... this is the other part that trips up supporters, especially when the survivor is otherwise "functional"... for me, I'll have ti worry about that later. This is enough to bite off for now.
Ah. Everytime mine isolates I think he is cheating... this is because of my own past issues. My issues**. I think I would take this time around a lot easier if I could get that notion out of my head. Mine was isolating and mean slowly for months and then I finally just lost and said "I'm done". This put him and I in a place we have never been. I've reached out because I want to work through things but I cant work through them his way. I'm "letting go" for my own mental and emotional health yet I dont want to close that door. If I could just get him to stop focusing on me "f***ing breaking up with him" and get him to understand its solely because if the rabbit hole he was entering back into. I guess only time will tell. Screw time because it sucks with the unknown. I have learned a lot from this time around and one key thing is this time of the year, same pattern. I hope whatever demons he is fighting he knows I love him and I care and I want to fight the fight together to reach the goal.
@NaeNae75 .... I had read something of yours on another post and I would like to ask you a question about it. Is there a way to private message/convo on this site?
If you want you can ask me in my diary or somewhere else. I'm a fairly open book on here. This is my "safe space" so to speak. Otherwise I'm not sure where you would feel safer.
I so wish I had the words to explain that "get away from me" feeling. When I'm there I just forget who hubby is. I have very little angst about it or the affect it is having on our relationship. I just, don't see him. And yet, as you all have said, I function pretty normally in the real world. I wonder if that has to do with keeping my facade up in public is way easier than keeping it up around those close to me? Or is it simply impossible to accept those who love me will accept me when I'm losing my fight to my demons? Or maybe it's that's when the things I've done are strongest in my memory I know I won't be able to stop from taking it out on them. And yes, I know you all say its ok if I do - but it's not. So it adds a whole new level of stress to my life when I'm barely holding on to my sanity as it is....
I just wanna pop in here and say these recent posts have kept me going. My sufferers best friend cut ties with me for reasons unknown and my head has been spinning, but she herself seems to be slowly coming around. Reading all of this from the other side of the coin is a real comfort especially since her trauma anniversary is all through next month. Thank you for helping me see that it's not my fault.
Even now when we talk even though we're "broken up" .....a text apologizing if when we spoke a little earlier if he seemed cross. He said he didn't want me to think he was mad at me, he just had other stuff he was dealing with. He goes out of his way to keep peace and keep me happy.
That's why the terminology is such a damn joke to me. I know you get that too. Like being broken up and talking basically every day and going to family events then together isn't a breakup... it's space.
Just throwing this out there but it sounds like you maybe need to catch him when he's not symptomatic and have a direct conversation about it. Maybe that you can see how much he cares about not being a partner that takes advantage and lets you down. That thats why he needs to be broken up to be away from you. But that there needs to be a third way to deal with this. If you can figure out what you can really honestly be OK enough with then that can be the start point. Maybe you can call it a made up term of your own. That way you dont have to deal with BreakUp and he can lesson his shame about not being what his moral code sees as required in a partner. Then you have rules for what can and cant happen when in that phase. It sounds like you presently dont put up boundaries of your own and as a result are left feeling powerless and abandoned.
Just throwing this out there but it sounds like you maybe need to catch him when he's not symptomatic and have a direct conversation about it. Maybe that you can see how much he cares about not being a partner that takes advantage and lets you down. That thats why he needs to be broken up to be away from you. But that there needs to be a third way to deal with this. If you can figure out what you can really honestly be OK enough with then that can be the start point. Maybe you can call it a made up term of your own. That way you dont have to deal with BreakUp and he can lesson his shame about not being what his moral code sees as required in a partner. Then you have rules for what can and cant happen when in that phase. It sounds like you presently dont put up boundaries of your own and as a result are left feeling powerless and abandoned.
