What use is insight? How does it aid recovery?

[Sandstone]

In dramas, the new insights from therapy enable people to make dramatic changes. I find I realise things outside therapy, but I can't see what to do with them. There doesn't seem to be a way to apply them.

Two recent examples

1. We are fostering a nervous dog, who has attached solely to me. My husband is being unfailingly gentle and patient with her. I've realised, with the force of a revelation, that I am constantly waiting for him to get angry; with her for being so inadequate and with me for bringing this animal that won't like him into the house. It's the pattern I experienced as a child.
2. While wiping the food mixer before putting it away, I realised this was yet another normal behaviour I grew up not knowing about. My family were strange, so it was inevitable that I would find my actions were out of the ordinary when I eventually met other people. So my sense of being wrong came not just from within the home, but also from repeatedly being wrong in society.

The first example just seems to confirm what I'm told is also a cognitive distortion "It's all my fault". If I wasn't anticipating anger I wouldn't have a problem - I create the problem, I am to blame.

So what am I meant to do with these lumps of knowledge, to move me towards getting better?

 

[shimmerz]

So what am I meant to do with these lumps of knowledge,

Notice the faulty patterns (doesn`t matter where they came from really)
Decide that the patterns you are displaying are bullshit and challenge them.
Decide what you would rather do instead.
Do it.

My T gave me an example of someone in a forest who is lost. They keep walking and walking and walking but alas cannot find their way home. As a way to change the situation, one must notice they are getting nowhere; decide they actually DO want to get home; think through how one gets oneself out of such a situation (look for the sun to see what direction is what); commit to an alternative plan of action; walk the body towards it until you get someplace.

Has been the story of my healing. I am a biological computer I realized. I have been programmed with Windows 95 (which was a piece of shit btw) and I choose to upgrade to my own operating system. I just need to make sure I know what I want the new OS to do.

 

[Abstract]

I do think realisations without taking that information and using it only tends to take us so far. But also realisations often need to add up and build a big enough picture to help prise apart the truth, patterns and let the realisations sink in. So like Shimmerz I have found I need to keep being self aware, catch myself, and try to do and do the corrected way when at all possible. I found it helpful to keep neuroplasticity in my mind all the time. Repeat repeat repeat and try to avoid the old. Having dealt with an eating disorder before realising I was dealing with the effects of trauma helped in that way I think.

But also insight is invaluable as its hard to know what to run down and focus on when you don't know what it is. Its a little like erecting a target and then the next phase is trying various things to hit it, and often enough to break it down.

Good realisation.

 

[Friday]

FWIW... Simply coming to see your husband for who he IS, unfailingly patient and gentle with both of you, instead of obscured by shadows of the past painting him a villain? IS one of those dramatic changes in life. The beginning of one.

Insight > Perception Shifts > Actionable Change.

Keep trying to see him for himself, until that’s all you see.

It will come & go, most likely. That’s normal & expected. The more you try to see, the easier it becomes, until it’s hard to see him any other way.

 

[Sandstone]

Well, that has taken some thought and digestion. I was going to reply in indignation that I don't see my husband as a villain - he isn't

obscured by shadows of the past

. I have always known that he is a calm, patient, reliable man, who is wholly committed to me and to doing whatever he can to support me.

Then I began to think about why, if that is the case, I am anticipating anger as a response to frustration. The outcome of that links very neatly into the work I'm struggling with in therapy. I don't see anger directed at me as anything but normal - from others or from myself. I am actually rather like a woman who gets into a series of abusive relationships because that is her learned normality. It's why any gentleness to myself feels so impossible and wrong and dangerous. It's why, way back, the first psychiatrist I saw recommended compassion based mindfulness. Yet, I still sat in therapy yesterday grappling with my response of punitive rage towards my inner vulnerability and need. There is more I need to think and see and do.

I choose to upgrade to my own operating system.

Decide what you would rather do instead.
Do it.

I think that bit is what I had been doing for most of my life, until it all fell apart 8 years ago. I was very definitely a do-er, but now I'm stuck in a programme loop of fear : blame : inertia : blame.
I know you have made massive strides forward, so I'm going to listen to what you say - you are walking the walk.
So - the pattern I'm displaying is anticipating anger as a response in others. But when I try to think about how to change that, I get stuck back in the self-blame loop, and end up concluding that everything I struggle with is entirely my fault. What would you think / do?

I do think realisations without taking that information and using it only tends to take us so fa

keep being self aware, catch myself, and try to do and do the corrected way when at all possible. I found it helpful to keep neuroplasticity in my mind all the time. Repeat repeat repeat and try to avoid the old

So I can apply that to my self talk - the dog made a huge mess and while washing the walls I began to praise myself for doing a job that had bee on my list, and caught the thought " Well, you should have done it sooner" and resisted it, But then when I burned the toast I exploded at myself in rage and hatred, and that seemed more natural. One incident of positive response isn't enough to rewiire, it needs to be repeated.

 

[shimmerz]

One incident of positive response isn't enough to rewiire, it needs to be repeated.

Yes, and it needs to be repeated when you are in a better space. Once the negative reaction has happened, from my experience, it is too late to 'overwrite' it. Instead, because I don't want the potential issue of attaching that new 'trigger' (the calmness) to the bad reaction I program the new trigger to stand on its own and have it's own firm sense of positive to my body. For myself, I needed to instill the sense of calmness in my new program first - have my body really respond to that and then introduce it with my 'attacks'.

No idea if I am explaining this properly. So an example would be -- I use my essential oils to get me out of reactionary 'states'. My states happen to be catatonia (complete body freeze). It is happening a lot to me right now because it is getting cold out. That's a huge ugly and dangerous trigger state for me to be in. I expect it would be the same with rage.

So I blend up an oil blend. The olfactory (sense of smell) doesn't run through our belief systems, so smell is the easiest, most pure (no memories attached), and best way I have found, to break into a reaction. I suggest making up a blend because there are no memories attached already to something new. So let's say I put together peppermint, lavendar and lemon. Throw it into a roller ball or spray.

As I am working through my day, when I am feeling productive, or happy-er, or whatever good feeling I have, I take out the rollerball and I rub some on and smell deeply. Breathe to 5 in and 5 out. Relax tongue. <--- this is important. I have literally trained myself to pull out that rollerball anytime I am feeling semi good or better. <---- New program.

That, to me is a positive trigger program. The smell will anchor me into a 'feel good' response. Even if I have dropped into a negative state. On top of that, I am inhaling deeply to smell the smell. So you are reprogramming yourself to breathe in deeply and out again when you are messed up. The tongue relaxing thing stops me from thinking - interrupts what my brain is doing with the trigger, if that makes any sense. <----New program to tie in physical and mental stress response and break it.

"It's all my fault". If I wasn't anticipating anger I wouldn't have a problem - I create the problem, I am to blame.

So what the essential oil bit has to do with all of this is that it creates an interruption in this program. Most importantly, it is causing your breathing to change. That takes you out of the physical part of the program loop you have gotten into.

The stuff in this last quote; that is belief system stuff. Body reactions along with faulty belief stuff is deeper. But beliefs, for me are all about words and concepts that have been programmed into me in a faulty way. So I have to ask you about a word I noticed in your quote.

Who defines problem? Is that your idea of a problem or your husband's idea of a problem?
And what is a problem anyway?
1. Something that is going to make me or someone else die?
2. Something that is going to make someone mad at me and then I or someone else might die?
3. The idea that I was wrong and when I am wrong I or someone else may die?
4. Something else?

The answer to that leads to the cognitive distortion. And cognitive distortions lead to a double bind because when one might die if they make a mistake and because cognitive distortions are at the root of it all, mistakes -- see where I am going with this? That's the double bind. So instead I relate to it as a programming error. Because a programming error isn't my mistake so it isn't going to lead to death or annihilation of some sort. Again, I have a long history with programming, so it is easy for me to see a programming error as an external thing. Which is important to me because if I make a 'mistake' I am bound to get myself killed.

Once I figure out where the programming 'glitch' is, I figure out what I want the program to do instead.

with her for being so inadequate and with me for bringing this animal that won't like him into the house. It's the pattern I experienced as a child.

So if you were that child's parent, what would you want her to feel if she made a mistake? If she caused a problem? How would YOU deal with it. <-- New program being created.

This might take some time, so patience is a virtue, but literally think about this over and over again; try to feel how it could have been different; try to picture other people with kids that weren't taught this. What were they taught instead?

And as a disclaimer, I may sound like I am saying this with some sort of authority but I am not. This worked for me. It continues to work for me. I am pretty sure the concepts in this are good ground for improvement of reactions, but the things one uses with change from person to person. Maybe sucking on a lemon appeals more than essential oils to others.

Right now I am dragging around a thermos full of Vitamin C and hot water to try to create a new program that runs like this:
1. It is cold out <-- I die; get abused; go catatonic; drop in a ditch to die; etc etc etc
2. When it is cold out I freeze to death --> turn up the heat; drink hot water; wear socks; have a shower; --> I can now warm myself <-- Replacement physical and thought interventions --> notice the reference to now. Keep the trigger historical in nature.
3. Body craves these warm things rather than going into catatonia <-- Replacement reaction
4. Body loses fear of cold <-- Ultimate replacement program.

lol I'll let you know how this new program of mine goes.... this one is deep, deep for me. It's going to be a challenge.

 

[grit]

In my life experience, one of the reasons I am realizing therapy works (I only got on later in life so I am sort of newbie) is you are sharing yourself and your sense with another person who understands you.

so now, I wonder, and this just my curiosity, did you share that insight with your husband? because if you were expecting him to be "annoyed" about the dog, it is very possible, you do this with other things so it may strengthen your relationship that you are showing who you are to him and he is taking you in. You have the insight of your inner feeling but you may not have insight of how others see it from the outside or the consequences yet unless you share this with a therapist or your husband. this is just my feeling. Insight is good when it is actionable.

This may sound odd. I am not a good writer about these sort of things. For me when I realise an insight about my fundamental ways, I share with my husband and I even go a step further and ask him did he ever notice this about me? sometimes yes and sometimes no (it was so hidden). I do this so I can see how often I was programmed from the past? this is to me all about the "post" in the trauma.

I also use humor to deal with it in the future so now my dissociation is like rabbit hole. If my husband is talking to me and I am like hmm yeah hmm he may say, I see you are in the rabbit hole and it really cracks me up and gets me out...and we will do this until probably it becomes boring cause I am no longer dissociating...hopefully or I need this training until I get it!but humor lessens the impact.