Relationship Ground Rules

[EveHarrington]

I know that @Freida has relationship ground rules, so I’m wondering if others do too? That is, PTSD related ground rules, not just regular relationships ground rules (but they could be the same depending on how you struggle).

In my last relationship, one of the rules was no breaking up, but I could have as much space as I wanted, whenever I wanted.

In my current relationship I don’t have that rule, and I want to break up about once a week. Instead we have decided on a cooling off period (since I’m so very very very impulsive).

I’m just wondering what kinds of ground rules others have in order to navigate a ptsd relationship.

Thanks!

 

[EveHarrington]

....maybe this is why we are all single or in messed up relationships. Lol.

 

[NaeNae75]

We've tried to set ground rules, but he moves the football line Lucy with Charlie Brown. It's hard for me ti answer, since they haven't been adhered to. Sorry...

 

[MyWillow]

Honesty. And not walking away.

It doesn’t mean “tell all”. I’ll say “I need to tell you something but I need to tell you without emotion. I need you to pay attention and not turn your back to me. But I need you to not get upset or sympathise. I need you to put your arm around me so I know you’ll be there for me”

Then I’ll explain about the flashback (not specifics but the physical reaction) and dissociation and how it makes me feel.

This is working well. It’s a new thing. He struggles with listening (blessed life) but this really helps.

 

[EveHarrington]

Honesty. And not walking away.

It doesn’t mean “tell all”. I’ll say “I need to tell you something but I need to tell you without emotion. I need you to pay attention and not turn your back to me. But I need you to not get upset or sympathise. I need you to put your arm around me so I know you’ll be there for me”

Then I’ll explain about the flashback (not specifics but the physical reaction) and dissociation and how it makes me feel.

This is working well. It’s a new thing. He struggles with listening (blessed life) but this really helps.

Yes, honesty! This is a big one, honesty and openness between us, but things are kept between us. I’m BIG on privacy. He says he wants it to be just him and I, so I say that means it’s “our world” and everyone else is kept out, in terms of privacy matters.

 

[Friday]

Every relationship I’ve ever been in has had different ground rules. That’s half the fun of new relationships, the dance. Of figuring out where we intersect, overlap, conflict, accentuate, irritate, synergy... a whole lot of other stuff... in short? How we work together. Or not.

The common themes in my relationships are mostly about me, what I’m bringing to the table & my own rules of living. That’s an entirely seperate matter. My deal is mine, theirs is theirs, and ours are all seperate things.

 

[grit]

I need space. End of the story. After work I do not want to be chatted up. I have been given this by default since I come home early but occasionally, I have to remind my gorgeous hubby, why I am not in the mood for chatting.

If I spend $$$ a month impulsively, I am OK and do not want to have discussions about it. This has worked so well because it made me more aware when I need to be impulsive to buy some! Missing love????)-; (because it was a ground rule of sort, I had to think when I feel impulsive and it is no longer a problem for me). I guess I processed it.

If I am in and out (my BFF dissociation or her buddy depression are here), I can nap all day and do not want to be talked about. Especially, I do not want to be guilt or pity or feel sorry for. It comes and goes and just consider as you would when nature calls!



Thank you very much!



PS. I grew up with rules so strict so I try not to make more for myself, but these are just things I learned over the years, I need some space to be me in a relationship. They were not a problem when I was single (except the buying thingy).

 

[shatter eyes]

Do not have emotional discussions near sharp objects....

Leave me alone. I love you.
I dont want to talk. I miss you.
Gimme a hug.....later.

 

[PreciousChild]

This thread is making me think... I've never had ground rules to accommodate my ptsd. I usually try to be the one accommodating. But after my last relationship, I really wished that he could see me and my needs. Instead, if I was triggered, he would get triggered too and then it would become about my role in harming him and how I was going to change or make him feel better. At the same time, when he was triggered, I could definitely see that he was struggling and would try to help calm him. He even thanked me for those times. It was frustrating that he could not distance himself enough to see my struggles apart from his own feelings (I never yelled or got mad, just became really quiet and uptight only very occasionally). My ex husband is a gambling addict, who I had to accommodate to the extreme. When I needed him, he was gone, and he usually came back having gambled the rent and money for bills, so the focus became financial problems. There was never time or space or my needs.

I don't think I've ever felt entitled to someone's care and effort.

 

[NaeNae75]

This thread is making me think... I've never had ground rules to accommodate my ptsd. I usually try to be the one accommodating. But after my last relationship, I really wished that he could see me and my needs. Instead, if I was triggered, he would get triggered too and then it would become about my role in harming him and how I was going to change or make him feel better. At the same time, when he was triggered, I could definitely see that he was struggling and would try to help calm him. He even thanked me for those times. It was frustrating that he could not distance himself enough to see my struggles apart from his own feelings (I never yelled or got mad, just became really quiet and uptight only very occasionally). My ex husband is a gambling addict, who I had to accommodate to the extreme. When I needed him, he was gone, and he usually came back having gambled the rent and money for bills, so the focus became financial problems. There was never time or space or my needs.

I don't think I've ever felt entitled to someone's care and effort.

I relate to this on so many levels. But it's definitely a work in progress for me. I'm working on boundaries as a priority. Lots of other stuff too, but too run down to discuss at the moment.