Oh good god - No wonder you are so stressed. And yep -- just when you could use his support the most he bails on ya. That. Sucks. So maybe thoughts about what is going to happen in the future with him should be back burnered until you get a chance to deal with your own stress in the present? Not being snarky honest--- I'm genuinely concerned. That is a ton of bad for anyone to deal with -- adding wondering if your relationship is going to fail is just ..... wow.. way to much. I think maybe some self care is long overdue :hug:
I didn't detect an ounce of snark. He's gone this weekend, he texted he made it safely - thankfully because his son is with him. So, this means since I know he's safe at his parents, I should be able to focus back to getting my crap together. I have so much stuff that got out of hand to get back to. Getting my home and work stuff back in order is really good self care for me. The physical aspects of it especially.
Plus order is nice. It looks like chaos right now, and I can't handle it! I'm disappointed in myself for getting so spun out of control. I'm still a little panicked because I'm doing stuff different on purpose this time.
I'm terrified of what it will mean if he doesn't come back. History does dictate he will, but we're both trying different stuff this time, mainly because of both of us being in therapy. I'm praying that his therapist isn't pushing him to be alone while he's in therapy and doing his EMDR.
I know my therapist never did, but that always scares me.
When he's in a bad place he makes our relationship sound codependent. It isn't, especially when he's not symptomatic... we both lead separate lives while we do our "together" stuf too. Our relationship, overall, is good and healthy... as healthy as it can be with two PTSDers.lol. We're very respectful of each other. We're family. He's sweet and nurturing and gentle, too me and "our" kids. He works so hard... probably too hard. So I hate it when he can only see the bad or really invents the bad. (Distorted cognition)
I guess the fact he says he has warm thoughts of me while he's so numb is hopefully a good sign. I hate the universe for him having to feel like he needs to be numb to be safe. It sucks because we love each other, but he can't feel it right now because he can't feel anything. I know what that's like.
He said that he's felt closed off ever since his friend died this spring in the helicopter crash. He's also talking about his father's mortality a lot lately. He's very afraid of it. His father had cataract and shoulder surgery but he's convinced his dad doesn't have much time left. It makes sense he doesn't want to loseanything else, so to speak. I guess at least.
I used to be numb to the world because it was too painful to feel. I still struggle with it sometimes, like now. I hurts so bad to feel this. Part of me says, just go numb so you don't have to hurt, because when you hurt, you start going back to the past. But the part of me that is trusting in my therapy is screaming no. Because then you'll never give your granddaughter the healthy life she deserves. If you go numb, then everything might fall apart. Be a good little Catholic girl and suffer.
I want to get rid of all of the pain, but I'm not willing to give up all of the rest. Not right now. So I'm completely exhausted. It's taking all of me to deal with the shit storm I left my life become. Wow....major tangent and off track... but I'm not going to delete it, I think I need to honor it as my feelings.
I guess maybe to keep myself safe for right now, I'll think of it as a new deployment. I was with him right after his second and during his last one of the 3 he's had. I took care of his son while he was gone when I could get his mother ti let me take him. Honestly, it's eerily similar. I'm trying to keep everything together here while he's off fighting a war. (In his mind) I'm taking care of the kids and whatever else I can. I'm worried about what it will mean if he doesn't come home. Yep... similar, but harder in some ways easier in others.
Easier because I know, for the most part, he's "safe", so that's the most important difference. But if he doesn't get rid of the numb, he's dead inside and won't be able to feel love. So it will be our great romance that will perish instead.
Harder because he's physically "right there". Also, the level of support and understanding from society as a whole is virtually nonexistent. People hold you in high esteem when you're supporting your "man", staying faithful and loyal to him through deployment.
But when you support them when their behavior isn't perfect or in line with what society deems healthy and normal, they chastise you. Outside of here, very few people are willing to listen with an open mind. So like with that "support" group I went to, I get the opposite of support. So when when you try to be diligent about self care, you are still lost in an abyss of lonely. There are very few willing to empathize.
Honestly, through his deployment, ....and other "breakups" I was fine. I'm excellent at staying busy and occupied. I also have been comfortable with the limited amount of contact being enough for me, because it existed. He was detached, but not gone. He isn't gone now either, but a deeper level of detached than normal.
I just have a hard time with "the world" and their "opinion ". I guess I care about their opinion because I know I'm not always healthy, so I defer to what some norms are. I ask professionals for their opinion on what is healthy. But I'm learning the hard way that isn't working for me. So now I'm left with the self talk that I'm not capable of being healthy and I'm a fraud, so why bother?
LOL you just described the last 20 years of my life. Workaholics have no time left for these things called feeeeelllings. But yea, I know when I go down that rabbit hole it's easy to ignore the people in my life and replace them with "tasks."
Oh, I'm also guilty as charged. Im probably a worse work a holic than he is. That has been my go to survival mode since I was in elementary. I was determined to be perfect to show all of "them" they were wrong. I was desperately searching to show them and me I was worthy. But I could never meet perfect, so I felt less and less worthy. Behind that I never slept, got straight A's, worked to support my own stuff, kept everything spotless, etc....I was still amused and treated like a nothing. So I numbed and accepted my life wasn't worth anything except for too be a servant. It was my job to take care of everything for everyone, because you (I) would get noticed and praised once in a while. Like I was a working animal on a farm, a beast of burden as it were. So it didn't matter how I was treated because I was livestock.
K is the first person to really make me look beyond that in myself. He helped me see the light and supported me to get the treatment I desperately needed. When I had brain surgery, he was there everythin when not 1 person from my family of origin was. He brought my son's to see me.
But now that he's suffering, they all want me to leave him to suffer alone. I don't know that I can. I'm going to live and trust him enough to do his own work... .so it means something to him. But I can't just not be an ear or shoulder. I can't let his son suffer the isolation without trying to help him. What would that say about me? I can protect myself without being selfish. That's what I want to try to do.
But you're right, I can only be successful if I handle my own health first. So that's where I'll start.
