Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I relate to this so much right now.
We had visitors at our house too and they were very loud and it really stressed me as well. It's raining here too and I think I might have got myself sick too. I'm currently curled up on the floor under a blanket.

Remember to stay hydrated :hug:

I don’t know. I won’t be alone because legally my mom has to be in the car. I tried to tell her that I’m not sleeping well and am having nightmares from not having the medication. She didn’t understand. She told me she needs us to get it done early in the morning.

She would be angry if I called an ambulance. She is angry any time I tell a therapist how I am feeling. It is hard to explain right now. I am not thinking clearly right now. I will try to sleep.

 

[Freida]

oh hunny!!!! I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this...

I am too weak to handle grocery stores if I’m not medicated.

You are not weak. You are amazingly strong. You may need your meds to help with your stress level but you are not weak by any means

And i am feeling abandoned and depressed. I have never had anyone help me with these feelings before. There is no one I can trust. I am having a very hard time. I am overwhelmed and I head hurts.

I didn’t want to put that in here. I’m sorry. I

I know we aren't "real" but you can trust us. Its ok to tell us that you are hurting and it is ok to let us offer you support. We may not be in the room with you but that doesn't mean you can't lean on us. This is the one place in the world you don't have to pretend to be ok. You can be real here. You can tell us you are scared or worried or panicked or sad or whatever feeling you have. And no one here will ever look down on your for that. You never need to be sorry for sharing how you feel. It's why we are all here - to support each other when things get bad.

So no more apologies for being honest. That's what I WANT you to do. Be honest and let us help you.

it. And there has been chaos everywhere. Threats and guns and bombs. I don’t want to go anywhere. It’s not safe.

This is a huge thing and it's normal to be afraid. Many, many people are right now. It's a normal reaction for anyone -- and for someone who has ptsd and needs her meds? Hun I would be concerned if you weren't a bit afraid right now.

It will pass. This situation will be the number one thing for a bit, then it will fade away. If it makes you feel better to hide until it's over thats ok. It's like combat vets who need to hide away during the 4th of july. A trigger is a trigger -- you don't need to feel ashamed of having one.

I know you mom will be pissy if you call an ambulance but she's going to pissy about something anyway. It may as well be something that can help you. Please think about going into the hospital if you think you would be safer there. I'm worried about you.. :hug:

 

[bellbird]

I hope you have a good sleep. I'll be here tomorrow if you want to talk then :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

I am unable to call an ambulance. My therapist thinks I am fine this week and didn’t make me schedule another appointment. The other therapist isn’t returning my calls or texts and my mom was counting on me. A gang moved into a nearby city. A shooting targeting a group of people happened in the pharmacy. Then a bomb threat in the other store. And I have several papers to write. I can’t get behind. Ambulance would mess with all these.

 

[littleoc]

I hope you have a good sleep. I'll be here tomorrow if you want to talk then :hug:

Thank you. I plan on an excellent sleep

Thank you guys :hug:

 

[bellbird]

I can’t get behind.

I understand this very much.
But safety is a prerequisite for this too.

Hope you're having a restful, excellent sleep :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Oh hun I'm so sorry :hug:

Hope you're getting some rest.
We love you! :hug:

 

[somerandomguy]

Hey. I hope you're sleeping. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I slept okay. Had a weird nightmare with toilets and a high school class room after all the students left.

Was able to ignore my fear in the grocery store that was shot up because a woman collapsed and needed help. My mom ignored me while I was telling her about it. I think she was having a hard time walking and meant nothing by it. But I felt irrelevant.

I snapped at her after she said all men are stupid and that’s why my sister’s husband acts the way he does. I snapped that I have male friends who don’t act like complete f*cking irresponsible idiots, and it is not an excuse to act stupid. It’s a stupid thing to say.

Made my mom drive the hour. They couldn’t give me all my medication. They could only give me what they had in stock at the pharmacy. We were unable to vote because they closed the office early due to all the chaos probably. I don’t know. There were a lot of accidents and people being jumpy. A traffic light broke which made it more hectic. I think I’m confusing last night with this morning. I had trouble getting up this morning and made my mom late. Worked out okay, but I felt like a failure.

Am eating fish. Will have to continue rationing my medication, but better than having none.

 

[littleoc]

I guess before the age of three I didn’t learn to regulate emotionally so well. Romeo and Fuzzy and Sponge did try though. But they have cat emotions. Not human emotions. But they came when I or my siblings cried. My dad would be smoking weed in the kitchen with purple penis completely ignoring us unless we touched something. Or made too much noise. Too much noise was a way to get killed. I am still afraid of toys that make noise.

 

[littleoc]

Am hanging in there. I’m not going to take any morning doses of my medication and am going to half the evening doses until I have enough of a stash to last. They said they’d be getting more soon but they’ve been saying that over and over and I don’t believe them.

Nestle wanted to help the woman who collapsed also. Also my mom pulled up to a couple of cockatoos so I could tell them hi. They were sweet beans

 

[littleoc]

Brandi said this is why I’m unlovable. This is why no one else will put up with me. But I “put up with” my bird when she has night frights. I deserve at least that much.

Brandi was more dysregulated than I was. I at least was getting treatment. I was trying. I wasn’t hurting people and then getting mad when they said it was abuse. I should have backed off the first time it happened. I knew she was like my dad. It was the first thought I had when she hit me. And she said it was a joke. Hitting is a joke.