Very depressed, share your story

[Theverytiredgirl]

Hey guys. I’m feeling like I have nothing left to live for, but holding on for dear life. I’m not happy with my life, none of it, I’ve been balling my eyes out for hours now. Tell me how you are, maybe you’re in a dark place rn, or you’ve been there in the past. I feel so f*cking alone and terrified of my pain and thoughts and that I’ve messed up my life beyond the point of fixing it. I don’t want to be this person anymore.

 

[ILoveLife]

Can I tell you it passes instead?
Like, I don't see the value in telling you how horrible I felt, but I do see value in telling you it does get better.

:hug:

 

[bellbird]

I feel so f*cking alone

You're not alone, I promise.

but holding on for dear life.

I am so very proud of you for this.

Tell me how you are

Well, right now I'm sitting on my bedroom floor.
The evening sun is low in the sky, shining directly through my bedroom window and landing on the right side of my face.
I can hear birds singing outside, and there's also one very chirpy bird sitting in his cage to my left. He's all fluffed up with his head nuzzled against his absolute favourite toy and he's making soft little tweets with his little eyes closed in total contentment.

Before writing this post, I was outside in the garden. Doing some weeding and thinking about where I'm going to plant my sunflowers, as we head towards the southern hemisphere summer.
There were bees buzzing around on purple flowers near me, and the bees had so much pollen on their backs that it looked like they couldn't even fly straight. It made me smile.

Five months ago though?
I was in a psychiatric ward. I didn't want to live anymore and everything just felt too much. Too difficult.
The mere thought of being outside the ward literally terrified me. The thought of being inside it terrified me too.
And I certainly didn't think I was brave enough to stay there for my entire treatment duration.

Well.
I did.
I proved myself wrong, and here I am, sitting in the sunshine.

Life is still hard. But there are good moments too. And they're becoming more frequent. I didn't used to have them at all.

I relapsed with self harm since leaving the hospital. That was really hard. I was very upset with myself. I thought that once I started again I wouldn't be able to stop.
But I proved myself wrong with that too.


It gets better. It does, it really does.
When we're in our lowest moments, its so hard for us to see that though.
But that's where other people can tell us that it does, until we're able to see it for ourselves again.

Thank you for reaching out to us.
You're not alone in this.
And you will get better.
Sending you gentle hugs, if you wish to accept them :hug:

 

[Lionheart]

When I first went for psyche evaluations, ...when I was brand new to therapy and still very raw from past traumas, my score on the Beck Depression Inventory was 'off the charts'. They actually had no number for it because I scored so high and was so deeply depressed. Day by day it got better and over time I have healed really well from my wounds.

My life is not perfect, I am now grieving the loss of my baby sister and depression might be just around the corner from me. However, I have more resources for dealing with it today than I had back then. I have medication, a support team of doctors and therapists, forum friends, extended family members etc., and a stronger sense of self to help me through.

It has taken a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but it has all been worth it. There was a time when I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel and today there is a rainbow at the end, so hang in there and keep reaching out...you are definitely not alone and it can and will get better if you'll only stay on a healing path like you are now.

My best to you,
Lionheart777

 

[Survivor3]

@Theverytiredgirl , hello, well done for reaching out!! Do not think that your alone, your not and things will get better for you as you share with people on this site. I too have felt like you have described.
Alone, terrified of the pain, because let's face it, it is emotional pain and the feeling that you can't change the past or mistakes that have been made. But by recognising it you made the first step in changing the present and future for yourself. Try to be kind to yourself. This forum is a blessing to me and I hope it will be for you too. Best Wishes. ?

@Theverytiredgirl , There are a lot of very smart people on this site, I'm still learning but if you talk a little bit about what has been happening leading to this point then they might be able to help you. I hope things improve for you.

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

You're not alone, I promise.

I am so very proud of you for this.


Well, right now I'm sitting on my bedroom floor.
The evening sun is low in the sky, shining directly through my bedroom window and landing on the right side of my face.
I can hear birds singing outside, and there's also one very chirpy bird sitting in his cage to my left. He's all fluffed up with his head nuzzled against his absolute favourite toy and he's making soft little tweets with his little eyes closed in total contentment.

Before writing this post, I was outside in the garden. Doing some weeding and thinking about where I'm going to plant my sunflowers, as we head towards the southern hemisphere summer.
There were bees buzzing around on purple flowers near me, and the bees had so much pollen on their backs that it looked like they couldn't even fly straight. It made me smile.

Five months ago though?
I was in a psychiatric ward. I didn't want to live anymore and everything just felt too much. Too difficult.
The mere thought of being outside the ward literally terrified me. The thought of being inside it terrified me too.
And I certainly didn't think I was brave enough to stay there for my entire treatment duration.

Well.
I did.
I proved myself wrong, and here I am, sitting in the sunshine.

Life is still hard. But there are good moments too. And they're becoming more frequent. I didn't used to have them at all.

I relapsed with self harm since leaving the hospital. That was really hard. I was very upset with myself. I thought that once I started again I wouldn't be able to stop.
But I proved myself wrong with that too.


It gets better. It does, it really does.
When we're in our lowest moments, its so hard for us to see that though.
But that's where other people can tell us that it does, until we're able to see it for ourselves again.

Thank you for reaching out to us.
You're not alone in this.
And you will get better.
Sending you gentle hugs, if you wish to accept them :hug:

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I’m so proud of you for getting through that situation. I’m having small relapses into depression and suicidal ideation, but they last a short while, but are very intense. I also used to self harm, but I hadn’t in eight years until last month, but it just happened once. It’s so weird, when you’re in that place it feels like you’ll never get out, but you totally can, I know that. It’s like my rational brain shuts off, and I just spiral downwards. I’ve caught myself already, sometimes just posting here and getting it out of my head and into words helps a lot! I hope you continue on your journey to healing truly ?

@Theverytiredgirl , hello, well done for reaching out!! Do not think that your alone, your not and things will get better for you as you share with people on this site. I too have felt like you have described.
Alone, terrified of the pain, because let's face it, it is emotional pain and the feeling that you can't change the past or mistakes that have been made. But by recognising it you made the first step in changing the present and future for yourself. Try to be kind to yourself. This forum is a blessing to me and I hope it will be for you too. Best Wishes. ?

@Theverytiredgirl , There are a lot of very smart people on this site, I'm still learning but if you talk a little bit about what has been happening leading to this point then they might be able to help you. I hope things improve for you.

thank you guys for the kind responses. Well, I’m crying now lol so I’ll continue and actually explain what is going on. I destroyed a lot of relationships this year, and I don’t find ppl easy, to really connect with. I finally got a diagnosis for an illness I have- ehlers Danlos, no cure, not a lot of treatment options is putting it mildly. I haven’t gone to university this year, too much pain from illness- and I pushed away everyone I cared for, and I despise myself for it, like seething self hatred. I recently started Neurofeedback, and have awakened out of a deep slumber of my emotions, like I was dissacociating a lot before and now I’m feeling emotions constantly, and I’ve become aware of how much I hate my life, and I want to change it, and change myself, but I’m scared. My ambition is coming back to, which is a double edged sword. I literally feel like a switch has been flicked on, and it was easier when I just passively accepted my misery, and self sabotaged constantly. Wow okay, see like I have all this stuff going on in my head and my heart, and emotions keep hitting me, like I’m unbearably alive. Regret and shame, about my own actions, how I treated ppl, how I didn’t get A’s in my last semester, like- yes, others have treated me badly, but no one is better at it than me, and killing any chance of success or happiness before things get that far.

 

[bellbird]

Hey @Theverytiredgirl :)

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I’m so proud of you for getting through that situation.

Very glad I could help in some small way, and thank you so much :hug:

I hadn’t in eight years

!!!!! This is so incredible. I am so proud.
When I relapsed I'd been two and a half years.
When it happened to me others told me that my relapse didn't take away the hard work is put in those 2+ years. So I want to say it to you too. Because I see so much strength in you.
And I'm also so proud that you were able to keep it to just one time.

It’s so weird, when you’re in that place it feels like you’ll never get out, but you totally can, I know that.

Yes yes yes. So true.

It’s like my rational brain shuts off, and I just spiral downwards.

Totally. I call that brain, rational brain too.
Sick brain takes over and it's so scary sometimes huh?

I’ve caught myself already, sometimes just posting here and getting it out of my head and into words helps a lot!

Definitely. When thoughts are racing around in sick brain they just feel completely untouchable but seeing them written down can give you the chance to see them more clearly. And having a different perspective from other people really helps too I find.

I hope you continue on your journey to healing truly ?

Thank you, kind one.
I truly hope you do too ?

I finally got a diagnosis for an illness I have- ehlers Danlos

:hug:
I have a neurological disorder (essential tremor). And none of the medication options helped me, and having that conversation with my neurologist where he said that I'm never going to have an improvement to my condition- best case scenario is to stay at this level, was pretty soul crushing I must admit.

I've found that the most helpful things for it have been lifestyle changes.
I eat a pretty clean diet- I cut out refined sugar, and drink a lot of water.
I meditate (I've been quite slack with this recently and really want to get back to doing it more regularly), and exercise like walking and yoga.

I’ve become aware of how much I hate my life, and I want to change it, and change myself, but I’m scared.

This is a massive step just getting to this place. So so scary, I know. But massive.

how I didn’t get A’s in my last semester,

I'm in uni too. And I completely get this. I'm like this with myself too.

others have treated me badly, but no one is better at it

So relatable.
But hey, big props to you for noticing this. Because it's a catalyst for change. And things will get better.
You're gonna do it, and prove Sick Brain wrong. I see so much resilience in your words.

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

When I first went for psyche evaluations, ...when I was brand new to therapy and still very raw from past traumas, my score on the Beck Depression Inventory was 'off the charts'. They actually had no number for it because I scored so high and was so deeply depressed. Day by day it got better and over time I have healed really well from my wounds.

My life is not perfect, I am now grieving the loss of my baby sister and depression might be just around the corner from me. However, I have more resources for dealing with it today than I had back then. I have medication, a support team of doctors and therapists, forum friends, extended family members etc., and a stronger sense of self to help me through.

It has taken a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but it has all been worth it. There was a time when I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel and today there is a rainbow at the end, so hang in there and keep reaching out...you are definitely not alone and it can and will get better if you'll only stay on a healing path like you are now.

My best to you,
Lionheart777

Yes! STAYING on the path to healing is the challenge, and I don’t mean that in a bad way at all, but it can get tricky, I’ll slip a little and the next thing I know I’m falling head first into the rabbit hole. Man I’m bad at replying, but everyone on here, this is why I posted this! I’m so incredibly proud and inspired guys, and wish from the bottom of my heart that everyone finds their healing and their happiness and themselves. I had a major breakdown and breakthrough this week, and it started here, and continued with me through therapy, if anyone is interested- I did something called Neurofeedback, which along with certain conversations, books, and disclosures to myself has I can only describe as awakened me. With a qualified practitioner, hey if you’re interested- I think it works. Of course I must continue now, and I hope you do as well ???